The Example

You know all that sturm und drang from my last post? I'm going to explain the why of it now. 

My nephew and I share a Youtube channel. For the last couple of days, I've been trying to post a video on it. The video wouldn't post. I couldn't get it to function for me at all. 

Now the rational side of my brain stated that this was probably something to do with the internet connection or the number of people trying to upload at that time or whatever. Reasonable and logical explanations that were confirmed when I googled it. 

The insanity side of my brain was screaming that somehow the channel had been suspended. And somehow it had to be my fault.

And I had harmed my nephew because of it. I was a bad aunt. My family would never speak to me again. I couldn't be trusted. All I did was destroy things. I'd ruined his faith in humanity. 

I'm serious too. It was THAT BAD. My brain was in such a doom spiral. 

The rational side of my mind kept trying to calm everything down and keep me going and functioning. I wanted to cry and wail and curl up in a ball of paralytic brokenness. 

Today, the video uploaded. I assume this is because traffic slowed down enough for that to happen. Everything is fine, although the insanity part of my mind is trying to convince me that this is all a trick and all the above stuff will still happen. 

When I would babysit my best friend's kid, if she didn't talk to me later that night, Insanity Brain always started telling me I had somehow harmed the kid and my best friend now hated me and would never speak to me again. Even though I'd done nothing to warrant any of that, my brain still felt like exploring the idea. 

The worst part about this is twofold. The first is that this is happening WHILE I'm on meds and after I've developed strategies to handle it. 

The second is that it's very damned exhausting.