Dark Days

I think until the day I die when things go wrong, I will always assume it's because of something I did. I wish that would end, but I don't think it will. I wish I could have some self-assurance. I wish I could be collected and confident about the world around me. I can't. I've read books by people who are and their mindset just amazes me. It's so foreign to how my mind works. 

Most of the time I can quiet that darkness, but other times, it's just screaming at me. Screaming every sin I've ever committed. Screaming every wrong I have ever done. 

In moments like that, I just freeze and wonder how I can continue to go on. After a while, it passes, but sometimes that takes a long while. It's like, when I meet new people, I just want to tell them how I'll betray them and disappoint them and fail them over and over again.

I'm actually not trying to get sympathy here. I'm just trying to show how things can be, from time to time, when you have some nasty mental illness going on.