Disfunction

You know, I've always known about the mental instability on my mom's side of the family. I grew up with the scars of it and gained a great deal of my own early scars from it. I also knew my father's father's side of the family had its own issues. Not as intense, but certainly still there.

My dad's mother died when he was in his late teens and most of my life he's had a lot of trouble discussing her or her side of the family. I honestly don't think I've ever met any of them. It's like after she died, her side of the family stopped existing.

Now, it seems, we were kept away from them for a reason. My dad has talked about certain cousins he's had to help over the years. Three of them lived together and two rotated out of prison while the other suffered from severe mental issues. Today he started telling me about the rest of them, how basically NONE of his mother's siblings or their children are that stable. Most of them can't hold jobs or they're criminals of one sort or the other or incapable of keeping their children or marriages or homes. He said it was like they just couldn't function in any sort of reasonable or normal way. 

So I listened to this and just kind of marveled at how much instability I have in my bloodlines. I mean. Seriously. WOW. Don't get it twisted. I'm not judging these people. Mental disorders and the inability to function aren't something people ask for.  It's just kind of amazing how both sides of my family consist of people who:

• have no impulse control
• cannot complete projects
• cannot hold jobs
• cannot maintain relationships
• often refuse to leave the house
• have strange and unexplainable habits
• cannot control their money
• cannot find a reasonable understanding of the laws
• often express themselves in ways that involve the eventual intervention of the police
• have difficulty maintaining emotional balance

And yet, I constantly feel like a damned failure for every little thing going wrong in my life. 

I'm not saying I should give up trying to function. I'm just saying maybe I should stop berating myself daily for the fact that I don't.