The Rest of the Week

I finished my garland and it's really cute. I'm in somewhat less pain than I was. I managed to do stretches this morning. So yay. 

Tomorrow I start therapy again. I have an agenda of things I want to accomplish. We'll see how it goes.

A Little More Festive

I am in pain. Despite that, it was a good day. The house is a little more festive than it was because my roommate surprised me with a garland, some more lights, and some ornaments. It's all adorable and I think it will help us with our SAD.

I pulled out my knitting because it's cool enough for me to work on that now. I also tried to talk my dad into moving to my hometown. We'll see how that goes.

Festive

The Thanksgiving decorations are put away and the Christmas ones are up. We even have the little plastic candle display working this year. I like to think it will make someone outside happier. 

It's not QUITE the last month of 2021, but we're getting there. I know this has been a harrowing year for a lot of people, but to me, it seems to have blipped by in a second. Once Trump was out of office, time sped up again. That helped things a lot.

I'm not going to like FORCE myself to be happy during December, but I'm going to try my best to make it happen. Lots of music. Ignoring things I can do nothing about. Focusing on positive changes. You know, the stuff that produces the good brain chemicals.  Maybe that will help matters. 

Black Friday

I am exhausted. This is a short post. Several of my subscriptions updated and it's been a good reading night. However, I need sleep. I need a lot of sleep. 

A Thanksgiving Miracle

Randomly, the ban on my Sims games was lifted today. I can play again. I'm kinda glad. There is a visualization project I've been working on and I think Sims will help me with seeing what I need to see. 

Aside from that oddness, our holiday was nice. When you have just two people, you have to get creative about what kind of meal you serve on holidays. No one wants to be eating leftovers for days. We limit what we have to just a few things and make small amounts of each. We also have one small pie. We used to try for one for each of us, but that proved to be too much. This is better.

I guess one of the other traditions we've started is that if we miss a dish at the actual holiday, we try to have it sometime around the holiday. A couple of weeks ago I had the green bean dish I love. We'll be making some other things between now and Christmas. I think it's a good way to ensure everyone gets what they want without overwhelming any specific meal. 

Anyway, I'm off to play Sims. 

Two Days Before Thanksgiving

Okay, so I'm going to make a list of things for which I am grateful. It's that time of year, after all. 

I am thankful for my friends. My friends are the best people. My friends keep me sane and happy. I love them so much. They mean the world to me.

I am thankful for good conversation. This connects back to the friends thing, but it is important. I thrive on good conversations. A good discussion is better than sex.

I am thankful for the strong relationship I have with my dad. When my dad says he loves me, I know he means that. 

I am thankful for humor. Again, this keeps me sane. 

I am thankful I've been making some positive changes in my life. I get frustrated with them because it's not moving as quickly as I wish it was, but I'm still thankful it's happening.

I am thankful for fanfic writers. I love how fanfic writers can take a subject matter and explore it in so many different ways. It really adds to my love of the original work. 

I am thankful for all of the things I have learned in this last year. Even if the lessons were harsh, I am better off for having them. 

The Worst Company

You know how we were looking forward to watching Rudolf? Wellllllll the cable company decided to screw up and ruin the whole thing.  It was frustrating and annoying and not a good start to the holiday season. Ugggh.

Boosters and Traditions

Looks like they're approving booster shots for everyone. I'm thinking it might be better to get one sooner rather than later. We'll see. Hopefully, this won't cause MORE drama. 

Thanksgiving is this week. It'll just be the two of us, but that's fine. There is a great deal of comfort in our little rituals. I love that we have a small display of holiday cheer and often get candy after the holiday is over and the candy is cheaper. It makes me feel like even being on the fringe has its lovely points. We'll watch Rudolph tomorrow night and sing the songs and snark about it. It's one of those things I've done my whole life and it makes me happy to continue to share it with someone. 

All the Usuals

Today wasn't bad but the usual complaints are there. I am tired. I hurt. Neighbor dude burned things/caused a lot of smoke/screwed up my breathing. The weather isn't ideal. House is a mess. Things seem to be weighing us down. Things seem futile. 

On the other hand, I had a really great conversation about alchemy tonight. 

Lagging

I'm tired and I'm in pain. I still managed to do my small workout. However, as always, when will this get easier? When will there be benefits like...I dunno, LESS pain and MORE energy? Does that part just not work for me? 

Cold Cats

Tinkerbell hid in my room all day. I think the cold is getting to her. Every time we checked on her, she looked comfortable, if sour. 

Millie, on the other hand, wanted to cuddle with my roommate and/or run as fast as she could through the house. This seems to be what SHE plans to do to combat the cold weather. 

In all cases, everyone gets lots of blankets. Look, I tried to make some peace with Summer this year, but I've yet to experience anything in summer that feels as immediately good as being under blankets. 

Extra Steps

I'm going back to therapy. I think I mentioned that before in the blog? Anyway, it's a little annoying because I requested to be at one place because I know the building and know I can manage it physically. That....is not the one she called. Uggh. 

The one she called has a great FB page. I'll give them that. However, it's in a building I know I cannot navigate. So when I talk to Ol Girl, I'm going to have to muddy the waters from the start by explaining we can't meet in their building. Hopefully, that won't be A THING. Maybe we can do virtual or just hang out in the park or something. I don't want them in my house. 

Anyway, I'm seriously pissed about this because if she'd just used the one I wanted, I could just be focused on the therapy. She didn't and so now my focus on how I'm going to manage the physical obstacle now in my way. That gives me a very specific headache. 

Return to Form

In states currently ran by conservatives, we're starting to see something that always happens when they're in charge. They're looking at lists of books that they want to be removed. They want the range of information limited. 

This is, of course, from the party who whines about cancel culture. 

I've always found this complaint quite amusing when it comes from the Right. When I was growing up, conservatives were always the ones who wanted to ban books and music and anyone who stepped out of line. There were preachers who specialized in convincing kids to burn their albums or their comic books. They were always the ones who hated new ideas, or complicated ideas, or any ideas that didn't support their very narrow worldview. 

It's going to be interesting to see how they try and balance their fake outrage about cancel culture with their very strong need to cancel everything they don't approve of. Who am I kidding? They won't try to balance or justify it at all. They'll just push and push and see what they can make happen. 

Communicating

This may come as a shock to some (of my like five readers) but I can get very shy about speaking to people online. In fact, most of the time, I do not speak to people online. I don't want to encourage them. 

Except, well, I've decided sometimes I DO want to encourage people. You can only leave kudos ones on fanfics at the place where I read and sometimes I feel that isn't enough. So, in order to encourage people to keep writing, I've started engaging with the authors. I tell them what I like. I discuss what really made me feel things in the story. When someone shows an insight or a perspective I'd not considered, I just love that and I write about that in the comments. Comments on this site are pretty well monitored and rarely do you see anything negative. Most people are happy to be there. It's like knitting communities in that way. 

And okay this also feeds my ego a little too. I was the only person to figure out what was happening in a certain fic and the author was so happy I did. So...heh. YAY! 

Blankets Out

I want to start this by saying it still doesn't feel like November. Intellectually I know it is, but the rest of me seems to be rejecting the idea. Though admittedly, I'm not sure what month the rest of me thinks it is. Maybe still October or something?

I still managed to get the rest of my blankets out of storage. Okay, look, that sounds productive but 'storage' was just them being in a long pillowcase on my bed. They're out of THAT now. I was nice and warm last night. So yay.

Fresh Eyes

Even though I try to keep an open mind about adaptations of things, I know I can still get frustrated when things range so far away from the original material that it's basically not even the same story anymore. Sometimes I'm fine with that. I just accept the adaption as an alternative universe. Sometimes it's really difficult. 

This is one of the reasons why I'm looking forward to Wheel of Time. I've not read it and so I will approach the show in blissful ignorance. I plan on just taking it at face value. I'm not going to read the commentary. I'm not going to wiki the characters. I'm just going to let the story, whatever it happens to be, unfold around me. 

This is actually really refreshing to me. It's going to be so nice to have no expectations and no theories and, honestly, no clue as to what is going on. I'm not even going to let people make me feel bad about not already being a fan. They won't be able to because I'm going to look at no fandom content. None. I want this to all be fresh. 

I got the idea from an article I read a few months ago. The author hadn't read GRRM and knew little about the plotline or the books. They watched Game of Thrones with fresh eyes and really enjoyed it. This made me think about what a quagmire fandoms can be and how expectations can just ruin any possible pleasure you might find in a show. We've all let the details poison us. We've ruined our experiences by hyper-focusing on someone wearing the wrong wig or someone not looking like how WE want them to look.* We're making ourselves miserable over the trees when the forest is still beautiful.

So Wheel of Time will be a new forest for me. I'm walking into it with no clue as to what will happen. I have a feeling I'll probably be the better for it. 

*Understand I say this knowing all too well how frustrated I'm going to be if Annatar isn't pretty enough or in a pretty enough wig on the Tolkien show.

Long Week

This week seriously felt like three weeks. Monday alone felt like three weeks. I'm glad the car is fixed (as far as we know) but making that happen was exhausting. My appointment on Tuesday was exhausting. Trash day (which also involved some drama with me getting my medications) was exhausting.

In fact, today has felt like the first day all week where things were okay.  I even took a nice, long nap and I seriously needed that. I'm going to try and get to bed at a reasonable time tonight because I still need more sleep. Like I said, this week really wore me out.

Oh and we already have some drama appointment lined up for next week too. So...yay. Thanks, life.

Dark Wednesday

Between the time change and an overcast sky, it was dark most of the day. I didn't use my light box, but I probably should have. I'm not in a bad place though. My brain tried to go there a few times but I am actively working on not letting that happen. 

I could hear the snap in my voice and set to work trying to talk myself into realizing that everything was fine. Stupid goblin brain. In any case, I'm very good right now. I have a kitty's paw on my arm. What could be better than that?

The Happiest Day of my Life

This is not to discount all the other days I've lived. I've had some very blissful days spent with friends and loved ones. I've had some very wonderful days just reading commentary over books I love. Those days were amazing. I'm not trying to disparage them. Honestly, this is less about happiness and more about trauma. Or rather, it's about the removal of trauma.

The happiest day of my life happened when I was 40.

My roommate brought me home from the doctor's office. They'd removed all the staples from my upper arm. I was in my bed and I knew I didn't have to go back to Fort Smith or back to any doctors for two whole weeks. I'd never felt such happiness. 

The earlier months of being 40 were terrifying. I couldn't stop bleeding and then the ER where they did nothing and then weeks of trying to see my doctor and then a horrible gynecologist and then cancer diagnosis and then a complicated surgery where they removed a 13 lb lump from my arm (not related to the cancer) and staples running from my shoulder to almost the bend of my arm and pain and pain and pain and drainage tubes and exhaustion and the horror of trying to keep so many staples from getting infected and having to talk to so many strangers and answer so many questions and be evaluated by so many people and itching and pain and don't take the meds and still no way of knowing how the cancer thing would happen and--

And then I was in my bed, healed enough for the staples to be gone. No doctors for two weeks. No appointments for two weeks. I was healing. There was progress. I was still exhausted, but the chaos of my life had lifted just slightly, and that lifting left me happier than I had ever been. 

It was a beautiful moment. Admittedly I like all my other days of happiness more because I didn't have to stumble through Hell to get to them. 

Performances

I may or may not start doing videos again. It just depends on my nephew and his schedule. He wants to and I'm open to the idea, but he's really busy right now. We'll see.

The car received fuses and an oil change. Everything seems to be working again and hopefully, there will be no hidden surprises. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and hope there are no hidden surprises there either. We'll see. 

Still not sure about seeing my dad this week. That's still going to depend on how I feel around Thursday morning. I need to see him though. It's been a long damned while. 

Good Reading Weekend

A lot of my subscriptions were updated this weekend and I had wonderful things to read. I also found some new stuff that turned out to be amazing. 

I'm honestly in awe of the depth put into some of the fics right now. One of them is about everything happening just pre-War of Wrath and it's astounding. I've liked Gil in other people's work, but this author just really makes him LIVE. It's becoming one of my favorites. 

Not Tired

I slept so well last night. I took full advantage of that extra hour. It was blissful. I feel so much more human than I usually do....which is stupid because I could sleep more if I wanted to, I just don't. 

This week is going to be busy. My car goes into the shop on Monday and I see the doctor (virtually) on Tuesday. I was going to see my dad on Thursday but I'm not sure if I will now. It just depends on how things go with the car. We'll see.

 

The Downers

Pretty much all the time now, I encounter people who are the Debbie Downers. A lot of them don't even realize they are. 

There are people I know who are aware of my political leanings and yet, for some reason, they keep insisting on talking to me about stuff I don't agree with. I don't want to discuss those things. I don't want to argue with them. They won't listen to what I have to say and I think what they're saying is, at the very least, annoying. Why do they do this? We can talk about fun things. Why keep bringing your beliefs into it? Move beyond that.

Speaking of moving beyond, there are a couple of people in one of my fan groups who keep posting political things. Mostly, they're complaining about 'woke culture' and it seems like the only thing they can focus on. Everyone else is posting fun pictures or fun memes or discussing stuff ABOUT the fandom and these people are posting video after video about 'oh no the Woke people are going to ruin things.' Look, if that is a concern of yours, fine. But this isn't the focus of the group. The focus of the group is it being an escape from the world and a happy delve into the glory of the fandom. Stop bringing us down. Stop it.

Late Discoveries

As I've mentioned before, I always feel like you find things when you're supposed to. That's been happening to me a lot this year. 

An artist I've liked for years was in a band before he went solo. I looked up some of his old tracks with that band because I missed them. I noticed one I didn't realize they'd done because at the time they had a different singer. I listened to that song because it's been since the late 90s since I heard it. It still felt new and fresh and perfect. 

I was curious about the change up and did some research. The reasons the first lead singer left the band are really shitty, but I guess typical of the time. Anyway, when I was watching the vid over the band's history, I really loved every sniglet they played from this first album with the first singer. 

Tonight I listened to that whole first album and it really blew me away. I love it so much. It's perfection. I didn't find it when it was current, but I'm not going to feel weird about that. I have it now and I'm better for it.

A Good Tuesday

I did my stretches this morning and then went to the living room for light therapy. It was earlier than I usually do it, but it was so dark today I felt it was best to get an early start. I read for a while and then the day got started. 

I won't always have the time to use the light in the morning, but when I do, I think I'm going to try and make that happen. It seemed to have really helped. I was at peace, for the most part, the majority of the day. 

The year is winding down quickly. It's kind of strange. It seemed like the first part of the year lasted forever.....and summer always lasts forever.....but this season is just speeding by. 

Whatever the case, the TODAY part of the experience was nice.

Appointments

The car goes to the mechanic on Monday. I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday. This is all next week's stuff. It was a lot easier to get the car appointment than the medical one. 

SAD is already hitting both of us. I'm going to do my best to be gentle and try to cause as little chaos as possible. This is a difficult time of year. Best to just make things as easy as possible.

If nothing else, I have wonderful things to read.