Slight Reprieve

The humidity was lower today. It's gone up this evening, but it was low during the daylight and that made such a difference in my life. I was able to sleep well. I was able to actually take a nap. It was really nice.

It's higher now and nasty in here again. I'm not sweating but I can certainly feel the dampness and the pressure. It's so nasty.

Anyway, I hope this week is decent. I hope August is decent. I need good things.

Purgatory

I hate it when the temp is in the 80/upper 70s. We really can't justify turning on the AC, but at the same time, it's still hot ENOUGH and usually humid as hell.

Really it's the humidity that's the problem. I can handle it being 95 so long as there's no humidity. But on days like this, when the air just stays wet, it's miserable. And the only way I can handle it is with cooling towels, which are wet, so I'm even wetter. 

Tomorrow is the last evil day of evil July so maybe it will just be a hot, dry August and things might be marginally better. Probably not, but I can hope.

Another Outage

The power went out again last night. It was only from about ten until 1:30 or so, but it sucked, and after last week's 36-hour outage, it was scary. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with going into panic mode every time it starts thundering again.

Look, I understand that sometimes these things happen, but if they have to, they should be doing this in the Fall or Spring or some time when it's not insanely hot. The power going out when it's cooler is inconvenient and hard on my breathing, but it isn't life-threatening the way it is when the power goes out during the summer. I could die from that. A lot of people could die.

The utility companies need to get their shit together and make sure the power stays on during the more extreme months. It's literally their job.

New Storms

It started storming again tonight. I freaked out about it a little, worried the whole hellscape of last week would happen again. No power, damage, ruined food, expensive bullshit. All of it.

Clearly, at least so far, none of that happened. We're safe for the moment. Hopefully it stays that way.  

Microburst

They're saying what we experienced last Thursday was a microburst with sixty mph winds landing on us. That would explain a lot, actually. It was terrifying.

Anyway, the adrenaline has started to wear off. Now I'm just exhausted and depressed. Writing is like pulling teeth. I'm kind of paranoid. I need this summer to be over.

A Bit Better

I finally started writing again today. I wrote a few pages and got things settled in my head. Mostly. 

We went shopping to replace some of the stuff we lost from the fridge/freezer. It was super expensive. This is becoming that Joe Exotic moment when he said, "I will never financially recover from this." And I really hate to be Joe Exotic. 

Anyway, still good to be back in my bed. Still good to be back in my house. Thankful for that. 

Still Tired

I slept well last night but I am still so very tired. This whole ordeal wore me out and I kind of need another long bout of sleep. Hopefully I'll get that tonight.

I would write more but I just literally can't.

Home Again

We only had to stay in the hotel for one night. They had the electricity back on this morning. It's good to be home. The room we were in was very cool and the internet was fast, but the beds were pretty awful. Still, I am grateful we didn't have to stay in the horribly hot house for another night.

We're both exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally. The whole ordeal was scary. I've never seen that many trees broken and covering streets and yards and tangled up in lines. I think everyone in our neighborhood is strung out after this. We'll need some time to recover.

The Hardest Night

We're in a hotel it's really kind of the only way to stay dry or cool or sane in this time with no electricity. The weird thing about this hotel room is that the bathroom looks exactly like the one that I stayed in the night before my hysterectomy. I suppose it's not strange because most hotels are laid out the same way. It's just strange for me.

When I went into the bathroom, my brain flooded with memories of what it was like that night. How I took the slowest most careful bath I ever had because I needed to be extra clean because of the surgery. I remember watching shows on television and really not even connecting to them because part of my brain was so numb. I was scared in a way that I'd never been in the all of my life. I felt so very, very alone.

Every second of that night was difficult. Every second that I lived through was one second closer to surgery and uncertainty.  I don't know that I would have done better had someone been with me. And for various reasons it was best that I was by myself. Still, the magnitude of being alone was so immense. It was not the most physically difficult night of my life, but it was the most emotionally and mentally difficult. I'm not really sure how I got through it.

I'm in this room tonight with my roommate, and that makes it so much better. I have someone to talk to and laugh with. I am very grateful for that.

The Bad Storm

Yesterday we had an unexpected storm. It destroyed quite a few trees around our neighborhood. And the power's out. Because of course the powers out.

We don't know when the power is coming back on. We are in a hotel. And while that's not ideal, it's cool, it's dry, and the electricity is on. Oh and also, there's internet. Obviously.

Appearing Characters

Okay.

So JRRT admits that he didn't plan Aragorn. Aragorn just showed up in his head and announced he was there. He'd had elves in the Hobbit, but they felt very different than how they did in LotRs, and, really, all three major works (Hobbit, LotRs, The Silmarillion) feel vastly different from one another.

To suddenly have Aragorn in your head is to, quite literally, suddenly have the whole of this world in your head. Part of Aragorn's bloodline can be traced back before the world even existed. He probably saw the whole thing in a new light. 

Stuff like this is why creativity just astounds me. I love the moments when you suddenly realize you have so much more to your story or when you write that one lyric that transforms your song into something great or when you've just been adding yarn to a project and suddenly it's not just 'the project' it's a doll. LOVE THAT.

Hot Mess

As we speak, I have boils on one of my thighs. The outer side. Today one of them burst and shot nastiness all over my leg. Fortunately, I was in the bathroom. 

I have been stung by an unknown bug, probably a wasp. Just a few minutes ago, I was stung by some ant. Twice. It hurt like hell and it is swelling.

It's hot. I barely slept. This is hell. I am in hell. 

The State of Sadness

Sometimes it feels like nothing happens except sadness.

Sometimes I feel like I do nothing but fail everyone around me.

Sometimes it seems like the world is just one giant ache, one massive hurt, that has no idea how to do anything except perpetuate that agony.

You'd be shocked how often I wish for the meteors to hit us. 

Stupid Hot Days Worse Hot Nights

My sleep is so sketch right now. It's so hot and humid I really can't get into bed before three. I'm waking up around 8 so my body can inform me that's still unpleasant. Then I try to doze back into sleep and usually fail. I'm just a walking zombie right now. I still have between six and ten weeks of this depending on what level of bitch that September decides to be.

Summer is really getting to be too much. I need to see if there is a way this can change. There needs to be some kind of other solution here because tons of fans that do very little (but are still better than nothing) plus sketchy AC that can only stay on for so long before it starts to get scary isn't working. 

I mean, it's fine so long as we never get into three digits, but we are. And we're staying there for weeks on end. This is going to kill me and quite frankly I'm just basically okay with that given the alternative is being soaked to the bone and miserable. 

Life Preservers

Today I drank a cherry limeade slushie. I did so because I knew it was something I used to do quite frequently. I knew it was something that used to make me happy. I needed it, specifically, for that reason.

Don't get me wrong. My home life is fine. I live with a good person who is kind to animals and to me. My needs are, for the most part, met. 

But it is crushingly hot.

And the world is crushingly sucktastic.

And today I found myself running on about the last third of my last emotional spoon. 

To combat this, I decided to do things that made me happy when I was a teenager and the world was less complicated and I had hope for the future.

It worked. I downed my slushie and felt human again.

A lot of people knock the concept of a midlife crisis. I do not. I think sometimes a midlife crisis is the only thing that keeps people alive. 

And right now, with all of THIS going on? We need all the help we can get. 

Denial

Ever since the report came out about the ten yr old rape victim who had to go to another state to get an abortion, the Right has been denying it happened. The rapist was convicted and even still they deny it happened. 

The ones who will admit to the reality of at least it happening are saying stuff like 'well if only we'd stress the benefits of having babies' and stuff like that. 

No, bitch.

There is no benefit to a ten yr old rape victim having a baby.
There is no benefit to a rape victim having a baby.
There is no benefit to anyone who does not want a child to have a baby.

Not even to the baby.

FUCK! Especially not to the baby.

Wishing a life of being unwanted on someone is cruel. And don't start with that aT lEaSt ThEy HaVe A lIfE! No, bitch! They do not. They do the fuck not. Being unwanted is hell. It's completely hell. You never get over it.

STOP trying to legislate situations where people are born into pain and disadvantage.

Especially when it's quite clear you only want that so your own little spawn will have people to look down on. 

We see through you.

Rough Day

We had a lot of errands today. It was hard. We had to be out in the heat and everything was tense. It probably wouldn't have been if we were still used to traveling. We're not though. I was on edge. I felt worn out, and I just sat in the car.

It was easier once we were home. I just listened to Old Gods of Appalachia and tried to stay cool. I need to write but that isn't happening tonight.

Tired

It was actually a bit cooler last night and I slept better than I have in about two weeks. I needed it. We might have that again tonight and it would help so much. Sleep is just really a rare thing when it's this hot.

My CPAP machine's humidity level is on zero right now because anything higher is messing with my lungs. It isn't ideal, but honestly what about summer in this house is?

Three more months of this. September is basically a summer month now. Ugh.

Writing Update

I finished my first section of the Angband part of the story. Sauron is so delightfully fun to write. I also worked on my art story. I'm, I would say, about 3/4 of the way finished with the first draft. I want to be finished by the end of this month so I can spend next month editing it and then have it ready by the September deadline. 

It's going to take me longer to edit because it's a massive piece. Thankfully I've been sending segments of it at a time to the artist so there is editing happening in the process. I'll still need to polish it before publication.

Still, lots of progress today!

Reprieve

I guess it got so insanely hot today that the sky finally had to give and by ten it was raining. We're supposed to have storms all night. So long as the electricity doesn't go out, that could mean a night of good sleep for us. It's something that everyone in my household needs.

The world is really unstable right now. It always is, but it's been a while since we had political assassinations and stuff like that. The flags are flying half-mast and it could be for any number of reasons. 

Also, the Georgia Guidestones were blown up. One of the GOP candidates for governor decided they would take them down if they were elected and some asshole took it upon themselves to do it anyway. It's funny how the GOP always acts like they believe in freedom of speech and expression, but any chance they get to take down something that doesn't follow their rules, they'll do it. 

Humidity

Humidity levels make such a difference in how I handle my life. If it's low, even weather as hot as 95 is tolerable. When it's high, there really isn't any hope. It can be in the 70s and still feel like it's 98. 

I have cuts on my face from sweat gathering under my mask when I sleep. I have cuts on my arms where I scratched them because they were sweaty and itchy. Sleeping is almost impossible. Writing is almost impossible. 

Something needs to give. 

This Is My Blood

You know what would have completely helped all of Christianity? If Jesus would have spent half the time here on Earth as a woman. Or maybe, a third of the time he was male, a third she was a woman, a third they were non-binary. 

I think Jesus would have had a much more accurate picture of the world through the eyes of a woman or through the eyes of someone who did not view themselves as either. I think dealing with a period, dealing with the social restrictions, dealing with the harassment and the fear of rape and the daily grind of just being someone who was othered, someone who was treated as less than....I think that would have helped to round out the perspective of the experience. 

I think it would have helped the religions based around Jesus (such as they are) if these people had the teachings of someone with a fuller experience of what it meant to be human. 

Or maybe I'm being too positive here. Maybe they'd still be the same.

State of the Cats

Last year when my roommate decided to trick the cats into eating more food during the summer, we saw them handle the weather with better health. It seems to be working this summer as well.

Millie isn't sitting with us as much. I don't think she likes the fan or the direct AC. Most of the time she's hanging out in my roommate's bedroom or in the laundry room.

Tink rules us from the ancient old blanket chest in the living room, which is, of course, right by the AC. When the AC is off, she sits on my desk, usually with a paw on or near my leg.

She'll indicate when she wants more affection. 

Her coat looks good and thick. It's so hot the fleas have more or less decided to give up. The heat does have advantages in that way. 

Freedom Woo

People are popping fireworks all over the place tonight and it's really annoying. Then again, who am I to complain about what someone does to keep themselves sane in These Times?

I don't feel much like celebrating freedom this year. Not when people are trying to take it away. The only good thing I've heard is that people are starting to move out of the post-christofacist states to protect their womb-having children and themselves. It takes a lot of money to move out of state, but at least some people are going to get out of the hellzones.

I'm really disappointed in Biden because he hasn't addressed this in a meaningful way. I know he doesn't want to set an example of 'Supreme Court does Thing and the President Finds Way Around Thing' because that could be used by GOP people in the future. 

Still, at the very least he could give a speech and talk about how this is wrong and should be overturned and something needs to be done. He could propose stopgap measures to keep people from dying of ectopic pregnancies and being persecuted for their miscarriages. Something. 

Anyway, I don't know how this will get solved, but it needs to be. My suggestion of mandatory spay and neutering never seems to go well. 

Happy 4th.

To Add to a Saying

Growing up in the middle of the Bible Belt, one of the things people often said was "if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." It was a warning, of course, that it was best to plant your feet firmly in a system of beliefs (theirs) or the world would take advantage of you.

This is what I observe in the world around me, an alteration of the expression. "If you stand for something, you will fall for anything so long as someone frames it in a way that makes it appear to align with what you stand for." 

Every day, I see people believing things that are blatantly untrue. They don't listen to you when you point out the lies. They don't research anything themselves. They just go along with whatever meme or article they posted because they think it aligns with what they stand for. 

For example, a lot of the folks who see themselves as Christians are so happy about the coach who can now pray in public at the public games. They see this as a victory for Jesus. 

But what did Jesus actually say about this issue? 

A lot of the time, people have to make guesses about how Jesus would feel about certain things, but in this case, he was quite clear.

In summary of Matthew 6:5-8, Jesus basically taught, “When you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men … but when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father who is unseen.”

This wasn't an idle moment of teaching. Jesus fully well understood the harm that prideful and self-righteous public prayer could cause. He also knew that a relationship with God should, most of the time, be a private and deeply connected situation. 

In the wake of this SCOTUS ruling, I've seen some of the more serious and learned Christians post about these verses. I've seen people in the comments argue with them about it. They literally argue with people over verses that are quite clear in their meaning.

They argue with them because they have been duped and swindled so hard by the post-Christian/AmericanGunTotingJesus crowd that they can't even see the truth for what it is.

Stand for something. Got it. But if you stand for something, remember that not everyone who claims they also stand for that something really does. 

Stand for something. Sure. But standing for something doesn't mean you can be intellectually lazy. Do ACTUAL research. Find out the truth for yourself. And not just at whatever news outlet aligns with your beliefs. Find neutral sources. 

Stand for something, but really understand what that SOMETHING is. 

Grannies

Old Gods of Appalachia is amazing for a lot of reasons, but one of them has to do with how common all of the elements are to anyone who lives in country/mining areas. 

My family is from Arkansas, another place where mining was huge. My father's grandfather lived with and died from black lung. There were parts of their community that you just didn't go to. Too easy for things to cave in. 

My mother's father's grandmother (to give clarification) always kept a crow with her. She would bury jars in the yard with nails in them and keep bottles in the trees 'for safety reasons.' This sort of thing was passed off as eccentric. Thankfully. It's said she was very charming and if anyone suspected she was a witch, they brushed it off as superstition.

My grandfather was her favorite. WWII was going on at the time, and he told her that when he was old enough to join, he wouldn't be returning to the area. His older brother was abusive to him and everyone else. He was tired of the violence and felt it was best to just get as far away as he could. 

They had kept her other grandson's violence from her, otherwise, things might have changed earlier.

My grandfather told me that he remembers how after they had that conversation, she cried until he explained just how bad things were between him and his brother. He said she stopped crying then.  She hugged him. Told him to get on home. 

There was a mining accident later that day. My grandfather's brother was the only casualty. 

My grandfather did not believe in witchcraft. He was socially Christian and to call someone a witch would have been disrespectful, at the very least. But I could tell he wondered about it, wondered what happened to his brother, and wondered if something could have been done earlier if he would have said something. 

Did he feel guilty about it? No. Not at all. His brother was truly horrible to him. The only law enforcement in the area was his father and if he wasn't going to stop things, how could anyone?

Maybe sometimes these things just sort themselves out.