The Hardest Night

We're in a hotel it's really kind of the only way to stay dry or cool or sane in this time with no electricity. The weird thing about this hotel room is that the bathroom looks exactly like the one that I stayed in the night before my hysterectomy. I suppose it's not strange because most hotels are laid out the same way. It's just strange for me.

When I went into the bathroom, my brain flooded with memories of what it was like that night. How I took the slowest most careful bath I ever had because I needed to be extra clean because of the surgery. I remember watching shows on television and really not even connecting to them because part of my brain was so numb. I was scared in a way that I'd never been in the all of my life. I felt so very, very alone.

Every second of that night was difficult. Every second that I lived through was one second closer to surgery and uncertainty.  I don't know that I would have done better had someone been with me. And for various reasons it was best that I was by myself. Still, the magnitude of being alone was so immense. It was not the most physically difficult night of my life, but it was the most emotionally and mentally difficult. I'm not really sure how I got through it.

I'm in this room tonight with my roommate, and that makes it so much better. I have someone to talk to and laugh with. I am very grateful for that.