September Ending

So the plumbers didn't come today. I think this is part of the theme of "no one shows up or does anything on time no matter how much we need it" week. At least waiting for the plumber didn't involve me being naked from the waist down. Usually you're only naked and waiting for the plumber in porn.

I was in some pain today from the stuff I had to do yesterday. I know it will disappear, but it wasn't fun. We're edging out of September and I'm really hoping it will begin to cool down. The fact that I'm still running three fans in my room is rather annoying. I'm still wearing shorts too. This is also annoying. Get cold, dammit.

Ebola has some to the US and got more press than the Beatles coming to the US. My various medical professional friends made commentary about this. No one seems that worried about it. I'll refer back to this post if we have mass dying on the streets in a few months. No, seriously, I know they're right. Our health care system, as much as we complain about it, is quite well equipped to deal with this.

After being in several hospitals over the first part of the year, I'm really pretty impressed with how organized they are. I still think the most impressive bit of organization was when I had the pic line put in my arm. Those people were so amazingly efficient. Had I not been so panicky and in so much pain, I would have really been in awe of how well they worked.

Anyway, that was my day . . . hot, full of waiting, and lots of news over Ebola. May the plumber come, may it cool down, and may we all retain our health.

Doctor Disappointment

My doctor, who was gone from work without warning a couple of weeks back, is still trying to get all of her prescriptions refilled. Not mine. I had my oncologist do mine. It was one less thing I had to worry about today when I went to see her for my first vaginal swab. This was good, because I was just worried about the swab in general. I don't want more cancer. I also didn't want to take my clothes off in front of people. I hoped that my appointment would go smoothly and quickly, so I could go back to the safety of my home.

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

What I failed to realize is that if you leave work unexpectedly for a week, you have a week's worth of appointments that you have to redo. It will take quite a while to do this and even when you're, say, several weeks past this absence, you will still have a hoard of people in your office, trying to get their stuff handled.

Due to this, I ended up waiting for quite a while to get in to see her. When I finally did, I was instructed to remove my lower clothing and cover up with the paper sheet. Her office was probably like 60 degrees or something, and I was on a table, covered in a sheet, for an hour. AN HOUR! I was freezing and angry and hungry.

I suppose the only good thing about all of this is that I was so exhausted and pissed off that I forgot to be nervous about what was going on. By the time she finally got to me, I told her the stuff I felt I needed to tell her and just let her do what she needed to do. Over all, that part of it didn't last very long. I do kind of wish I could have just done the swab myself. I would have been out so much earlier.

Anyway, we'll see how this goes. I really hope nothing is happening down there. I'm  tired of doctors and cold rooms and naked.

Nervous About Tomorrow

I've been nervous all day. Tomorrow I go in for my three month swab to see if any cancer is growing. That seemed so simple and so easy when I made the appointment. Now I'm on edge about it. What if they find more? What if there are questionable things going on? What if this isn't over?

I'm going to try not to think about it and just get as much rest as I can. Part of me wants to just assume nothing is happening, but how many times in the last year have I assumed that and been proven so very wrong. I don't want to be wrong again, but then again, I'd like to be in the place where I can just emotionally rest about this whole matter and not worry about it either. I'm not sure that will ever be the case.

Like with every other aspect of this process though, all I can do is try to calm my nerves and just show up to the appointments.

Expressing Gratitude

I guess it was a couple of weeks ago when I was reading an article about how to compliment the people in your life. Instead of just saying "You're pretty," it is far better to be specific about your praise, especially if it can be framed in such a way that demonstrates something the other person actually did instead of something they just are. "I love what you did with your hair." "I really enjoy the way you match colors for your outfits." This way, the person accepts the compliment as sincere (which you should always mean anyway) because it isn't some vague platitude.

I think this can also be said when showing gratitude to someone. Mind you, saying 'thank you' is always good, but it can become rather habitual and lose meaning if you do it often. When you live with someone, work with someone, or have them in your life for an extended period of time, I believe it is important to make sure they know you don't take them for granted. People deserve to be appreciated, especially the ones who make your life easier.

For example, if someone cooks for you, thank them for the meal. Compliment what they did. "I really liked your choice of side veggies." "I think the way you spice this dish is wonderful." It lets them know that you are really paying attention to what they did. It also has the side benefit of letting them know what you like.

Oh, and before anyone gets suspicious about this, I'm not trying to hint about myself here. I feel valued. In fact, after I clean the litter box, one of the cats always comes and nuzzles on me. Only the one though. The other bitches could care less.

Never Date You

In retaliation to the #heforshe campaign, some men have started publicly stating that they would never date a feminist. One of the men even ended his statement with "Ladies, make your choices." I am sure you can imagine that the feminists around the world collectively chuckle every time one of these guys says this. As did I, honestly. However, I would like to take the time to turn this into a teachable moment.

First of all, I'm not insulted that people choose not to date feminists. Everyone has the right to make choices about what kind of people they wish to date. I accepted this many years ago, when I realized it was wrong for me to be annoyed when someone would say they didn't want to date a fat girl, but felt perfectly fine about my choice to never date a Republican. Everyone has the right to decide who will be a part of their romantic life.

When someone states flat out that they would never date _______, they are actually doing everyone a favor. There are so many people in the world, even so many people in our communities. We need as many filters for selecting potential mates as possible. People who have strong opinions about who they want make this easier for us. If they won't date anyone who is a feminist or fat or a folk singer, then all those people who fit into those groups can just nod and move on.

After all, this is far less insidious than the people who really don't WANT to date people like you, but instead of just saying that, they spend their time trying to change you. It's like the guy who doesn't want to date anyone above a size 2, but starts dating you when you're a size 16. He makes it quite clear that he isn't happy about the situation and then starts trying to change you. It saves everyone a lot of pain and anguish if he just ignores everyone out of his 'range' and goes of the girls who are in it.

And you might argue that when people just outright remove whole groups of people because they aspire to a philosophy or a religion or happen to look a certain way is limiting their potential happiness. And you know what? It completely is. However, that really isn't my problem. Any time we make a choice, we are walking away from all other options. It's just the nature of the process.

Most importantly, if someone tells you that they won't date you because of some aspect of who you are, don't feel ashamed about that. Don't feel threatened or defensive. And most certainly do not change for them. If they don't like that one aspect of who you are, they probably won't be comfortable with a whole myriad of other aspects as well. More importantly, if they don't like aspects about you, you probably won't like much about them either.

So gentlemen, more power to you. Thank you so much for being honest about your feelings. Let us all walk away, breath a sigh of relief, and be happy that we never have to share an awkward dinner conversation.

Surprise Proof of Progress

When you embark on losing weight, one of the things that happens is that you sometimes see progress in the most unexpected of ways. This can be a great experience, like when you put on a hat that used to be tight and it's not. This can also be painful, like when you misjudge the size of your butt, miss the chair, and fall. The best examples of this, however, are times when it mostly proves just to be convenient.

I have to admit that one of the main things that keeps me motivated about losing weight (as much as I am ever motivated about anything) is the fact that being fat is inconvenient. The world is not designed for you. You have to be careful about what chairs you buy, about what kind of bedframe you use. In some vehicles, you can't use the seatbelts. In some restaurants, you can't fit into the booths. Depending on what all you have to do in a day, you may have to make tons of adjustments, just to find a way to fit into the world around you. That is far more work than one needs.

Today's moment of unexpected progress was a matter of convenience. Well, actually, it's somewhat a matter of annoyance. We have stray dogs in the neighborhood as well as some dogs that just never seem to be confined to the yards where they live. This has become a problem for setting out trash, because the dogs always want to tear into it. Because of this, we decided to start carrying out the heavy trashcans (that have lids) to the curb.

I'm fat and even if I wasn't fat, I'd still have big boobs.  And, until recently, I had that lipoma on my arm. All three of these factors made it difficult, if not impossible to carry that big, round trash can. Anything that is wide, heavy, and awkward isn't going to be carried well by me. I've already got enough wide, heavy, and awkward going on.

I am pleased to report, however, that carrying the trashcan wasn't so bad. With the lipoma gone and several weeks of working out my arms, I was able to hold the trashcan up high and away from my legs. This kept my legs from constantly bumping it. It also allowed me to somewhat rest the can against my breasts, meaning they actually worked for me in the process instead of against me (like they usually do). Due to my walking, I have more confidence in my sense of balance and pacing, so the fact that I couldn't watch my feet didn't bother me as much as it used to. 

See, this is one of the things about losing weight that I wish more people would emphasize. Don't tell heavy people they'll be happier if they're thin. They know thin people and those bastards are never happy. Don't talk to them about their health, because until something serious happens, that is abstract at best. And certainly don't keep talking about how much prettier they will be, because fuck you.

When you get them to think about all the ways that being fat causes them inconvenience though, and how losing the weight, even SOME of the weight, will make things easier on them, I believe a lot of people would see the benefit. As they lose weight and find life to be less malfunctioning, they'll certainly see the benefit.

Progress at the Drug Store

Well, I finally have meds back again. In a week or two, maybe they'll kick back in and things won't be so horrible. Things really haven't been horrible, but between menopause and meds withdraw, it felt that way. No matter how many times you try to tell yourself that, as the days go on and your nerves just keep grating down, after a while, you just forget. I'm quite ready for the nice happy solace of my medication. My chemical romance.

Oh, and just in case you were wondering, my meds DID come from my cancer doctor, not my regular one. My act of proactivity paid off. If I'd just relied on here, I might not get meds until next week, and only then because I saw her. Oh yes, next week is my first swabbing for possible cancer spread. I am pretending not to be nervous about that.

I was cleaning off my junk table and noticed I still owned some nail polish. Given that it's still in existence, I've decided to attempt to paint my nails again. However, instead of just doing it the way I always do (which is . . . badly), I've been reading up on hacks that supposedly make it easier. I'm going to try them tomorrow. We'll see if it works.

I should clarify that I'm not doubting the hack is capable of working. One of the problems when people do experiments like this is that they fail to consider all factors. If the nail polish hack doesn't work for me, it doesn't mean the hack is flawed. It probably means that the hack works, but you STILL need someone with more nailpainting skills than I possess. I doubt I'll ever be good at that.

That's okay though. I've accepted that there are many things I will never be good at, even though I like them and practice them often. I will never be able to crochet an even hat. Even though I count everything. Even though I double check my counting. I don't know. It's something I'm screwing up when I move from one row to the next and no amount of instructional videos seems to help me. Just when I think I have the problem solved, I screw it up in some other way. This results in a lot of bafflement and wonky hats. Though, I do like my wonky hats.

Anyway, that's where things stand right now. I have meds. I have a cleaner junk table. I can't paint my nails and I can't crochet an even hat. Progress!