2022 The Year of Minimalism

And by minimalism do I mean I'm going to cull down my possessions to only 20. Nope. That is a massive goal I could, in no way, accomplish. 

However, I am going to embrace one of the basic philosophies of minimalism: Less, but better. 

There are a lot of people who take minimalism into more aspects of their lives besides just their possessions. They use it as a guide to the people they let in their lives or the level of information they allow themselves to ingest. They use it as a way to set reasonable progress for themselves. 

And the thing is, as I said in yesterday's post (and as anyone will notice as they look around the world), things are rather unstable right now. It just really is NOT the time for big anything. Big projects, big decisions, big spending, big changes.....no. Not until the world looks a little more level. 

So. Here are my minimalist goals. 

1. Use things I have. One of the reasons why things are so cluttered is that have a lot of things I'm just not using. One of my goals for 2022 is to give these things purpose. No buying new hobby supplies. No buying new storage containers. I have plenty of this stuff. We'll find new and better ways to use it.

2. Organize small areas at a time. I managed to organize about two shelves in the utility room this last month. I did it about ten minutes a time over a period of two weeks. It looks pretty good (except for my jacket) and I feel happy when I look at it. The other two shelves I can't work on because my roommate has one already organized and the other one is out of my reach.  I think this is a good pace though. Small organizing steps. 

3. Maintain good habits. Even if I don't build on them, at the very least, maintain the ones I began.

4. Go to therapy. I've started again and my therapist is very good. It's been three years and it's certainly time for me to start again. 

5. Do the things that bring me joy. Read, listen to music, talk to friends, pet the cats, that sort of thing.

I'll be honest here. I am scared of 2022. The last two years have been really chaotic and I think we'd all like for that to stop, please. I'd like a nice, simple year where things just run smoothly and people make progress. There is no way I can control that though. The best I can do is just my small bit of it.

Joyful Saviors

Oh, the world outside is frightful.....

2021, fam. It wasn't the best of years. The political landscape was insane. People are radicalized and just stupid. People are ignoring logic and reason and common sense. Hell, the crowd that always claims to have common sense is ignoring it. 

......but these things are so delightful!

However, I have managed to make it through the year mostly sane...ish....kinda. And here are some of the reasons why. 

My closest friends. The people I talk to on the daily are people I've known for years. We have conversations that have lasted for years. No matter how bad things get, we'll find ways to either process the situations or distract each other. People, you need friends like this in your life.

JRRT's works. My mom read Tolkien to me when I was very young and it's always been a part of my life, but this year I dove headfirst into the fandom and allowed myself to become outright Tolkientrash. This fandom is my favorite thing at the moment and I love it so much. No matter how bad things got, I could sit here and think about Sauron seducing kings to their ruin and feel better.

An Archive of Our Own. On a related note, I also dove headfirst into Tolkien fanfic. Some of the works on AO3 are amazing. I've read many book-length works that made me weep. I've read short pieces that delighted me. I've considered characters and situations from so many different perspectives. Ahh, it's been so much fun.

YouTube. Actually, YouTube keeps me sane every year, but this year especially. This is where I find music to meditate, it's where I've discovered new stuff that speaks to me, and it's my usual source for education. You can learn anything on YouTube.

Focus. So I've tried to change some stuff in my life this year. Okay, admittedly, I try to do this every year, but I've had some success this time. I'm getting better at mindfulness. It's not a lot. It's mostly some focused breathing and perhaps stretching for 15 minutes or working on leg rehab or just letting my mind empty for a bit. It's never a lot, but it's something. It's more than I was doing and it's helping me. 

Anyway, I've gotten past the point of hoping the world gets better. I'm not sure that's even possible anymore. Despite that, we can still find joy in things. As I've written time and time again, I truly believe that if people put effort into working on their happiness, everything would get better. 

For 2022, I hope that all of us find more joy. 

Oddities

In my various gifts for Christmas, I received some bags of used yarn from my stepmom. One bag also had some knitting needles and a small book in it as well. I've decided, as to not make Ye Elder God of Yarn Stash even larger, I'll be using the Stepmom Yarn before anything else. That way Yarn Stash officially stays the same size.

Some of this yarn is just going into the next rounds of the stash-busting blanket. Some of it is really nice though and I think I'll make it into some hats. I still need to do the hat with bells. 

Some of it though.........

Okay, admittedly, my yarn exposure is not massive. I've tended to purchase only what involved a project for someone else (usually baby blankets) and some various bits for myself, but given that I still basically suck at this, I never buy anything uncommon or expensive. And I do not think this stuff was expensive. It's just....strange. 

I made a trivet out of one ball of it. It's big enough to basically handle my teacup or any hot bowl I might need to handle. I tried to make a bracelet out of some of it but that turned out ugly so I may try to unwind that and....maybe another trivet?

The rest of it is in fall colors so I'm combining all of them to make a skinny fall scarf. So far it's pretty, if, yeah, still odd. The really good thing about this stuff is that it knits quickly so I should be finished with the scarf tomorrow. 

Treasure Chests

I read another version of Fingon saving Maedhros from the mountain again today. It was really good. Hell, it's always really good. I have read this story and versions of it over and over again for months now and I always love it. It always thrills and hurts and sometimes it makes me cry. The one I read today did. I even know exactly what is going to happen in them, but it's still just so amazing.

Some stories, some moments in books or songs or movies, or what have you, are treasure chests. No matter who opens it, they will always find wealth inside. Tolkien wrote tons of such moments, but I think Fingon's rescue of Maedhros is my favorite.

Betwixmus

A woman for The Guardian wrote an article about a tradition she and her single friends have between Boxing Day and New Year's Eve. They call it Betwixmas and it's basically Single People's Chistmas. 

It's the time when you don't really have to go to work (or no one cares if you show up) and you can hang out with your friends and not be bothered by family obligations or anything like that. I think it's a lovely tradition. 

Of course, every traditionalist in the comments had to trash this as hard as they could. They insulted the writer for being single and claimed there was no way she could be at peace about it. They insulted the idea of single people just wanting to live their lives and have fun. The ones who were married tried to argue their choices were far better and the ones who were still single and bitter about it (most often, men) ranted about how horrible it was that people could possibly CHOOSE this as a way of life. 

Once again, stop hating on other people's joy. Let people be joyful about whatever they want. It really isn't harming you. Your time would be better spent finding some joy for yourself. 

Cat Concerns

Tinkerbell has been living with us since 2012. She was several years old when she was rescued. I'm not sure how old she is, but it is considerable. Her face has a lot more white on it than it used to. 

I don't know how much longer we'll have her. I don't really want to think about it, but right now things are pretty depressing so my mind is going there. I hope our time with her is long, but that's less likely every year, isn't it? 

I'll end this now. I need to hold my cat.

Day After

Okay. So next year I am going to insist I do not have to spend my birthday with my family. I am going to make sure we see each other either before or after my birthday so I can do what I want to do on my birthday and not worry about other people. 

I think that's only fair.

Day Before

Tomorrow is my birthday. I just really hope nothing screws up. I don't want the stress. Just please let it be an easy birthday with nothing weird or broken or sad or awful. Please.

The Next Step

I took the car to the mechanic's this evening because I did not wish to get up early and take it tomorrow. It's going to be cold. Hell, I can't even take credit for this because I almost talked myself out of doing this today but then my roommate reminded me of how much Future Me would hate Current Me for making them get up so early. He was right.

I really hope this is the end of the Car Issues for a while. There has been enough for my current headspace. I have no more spoons for the car. 

My nephew calls me after he gets off work to help reflect on his workday. I like that. It's sweet that he feels comfortable doing that. 

Seriously Cold

Today was pretty nippy. On the bright side, I got to wear my new hoodie for the first time this year. It's heavenly comfortable. I love it.

We bought holiday candy to indulge us for the week. We have a movie to watch tomorrow and hopefully some more holiday specials. We may have to make those happen via Netflix or something. 

The cat is under a blanket I'm knitting and has been sleeping for hours. When she wakes up, she either purrs or growls, just depending. 

I got some magnetic earrings because my ears hate penetration. I'm not sure how well this will work, given my fat. We'll see. 

Still Not an Analogy

I decided to try the hat prep again last night. I didn't try with the ruined chaos mess of yarn because that was beyond repair. I salvaged everything I could from that and tossed the rest in the trash.

I had another twisted hank that I needed to unravel and turn into a ball. I watched some videos over it but it seemed to be missing the steps I needed to understand how to keep it from just becoming this massive knotmess. When I examined the problem myself, I realized the whole thing unraveled in a way counter-intuitive to how I think AND the trick was to never let it leave loop shape. 

I have an old empty picture frame that I hung it over and used that as a way to keep everything in the same shape, then I just went slowly in my unraveling process and let it go where it needed to go. Occasionally I would smooth everything back out, but for the most part, the keys seemed to be keeping the loop open and going slowly. I'm sure that isn't the case for everyone, but it certainly was for me. 

So in the end, I have a ball of yarn that at no point became a massive mound of chaos. The process took a long time, but it happened. It may not be the BEST solution, but it's A solution. I can live with that.

Birthday Week

So that big mass of tangled yarn I wrote about yesterday? I decided life was too short and I didn't have to put myself through the agita of unraveling it. Again, not an analogy about my life, but.....possibly.

Anyhow, this is my birthday week. I'm going to try to make the most of it, despite having to deal with my family and get the car worked on AGAIN. Aside from that, I'm going to do my best to just chill out and have fun. Read smut. Eat candy. We'll see how it goes.

I have some chores I need to do as well, but they'll happen as they happen. 

Unraveling

I'm trying to unravel a chaos mess of yarn. It's so pretty but it's a complex knot and tends to break apart quite often. I mean, this isn't an analogy for my life but kinda close, right?

Anyway, I have plans to make a hat. I've experimented with two weights of yarn and neither suited. This will, I think, but I have to untwist it first. that could take days. Then I'll have to tie all the little balls it keeps breaking into back into one big ball. Sigh. I hope this is worth it.

Again, not an analogy, but basically could be. 

The Shirt Thing

My birthday is in seven days. 

I ordered a festive holiday shirt for myself. It was perfect. Black with the Grinch's hand on it, holding an ornament. I loved it. I checked the sizes and it came in my size. I was so looking forward to this. 

When it arrived, the label said it was in my size by the damned thing was maybe a medium, at best. It was also very narrow. Even at my thinnest, my shoulders wouldn't have managed to fit in this shirt.

I just.....okay, look. I was really looking forward to this. I was excited about it. The whole idea of it made me happy. Do you know how rare it was for me to find something in my style AND my size for a holiday?

Well, clearly rarer than shit because it didn't actually happen and those people screwed over everyone who ordered from them. 

The Car Issue

Our experiment worked! We successfully captured the liquid from the leak! When we presented it to the mechanic, he was able to confirm it was oil. The leak is coming from some hoses and we'll have it fixed next week. I feel so much better now that I know what it is, that it IS a thing that can be fixed, and that plans are on the way to make that fix happen. 

So yay.

December Plans

Things are situated, more or less, for my family holiday plans. Even though I try to get this on any other day but my birthday, it still ends up on my birthday. 

Also, the main gift I was looking forward to may not be in. And it's going to be late and dark and I know I'm not being that positive about the holiday but so far December has been stressful. 

It's always stressful, but this year is just eating away at me. Stupid car with its stupid leak and its stupid inability to be found so it can be stopped. LOOK, if you're going to leak, leak in a way that is obvious. I don't need this in my life right now. 

Weaver Goodbye

Dear Anne Rice,

I read The Vampire Lestat before I read Interview and I think it shaped not only how I saw your books but how I saw life. Lestat was exactly everything I wanted a vampire to be and I honestly never believed things from Louis's perspective. Ever. I loved it when later Lestat burned down his house.

The beautiful thing about Lestat was that he was a charming as hell narcissist. No one you would want in your actual life, but fun as hell to read about. I wasn't in love with him. I reveled in him. I was thrilled by him, the same way I adore Starscream and Sauron. Here were these fey creatures who defied gender and norms and rules and everything. It was an energy I connected with and found solace in. For a young teen who felt that the world didn't love, respect, or understand her enough, characters like Lestat were soothing. 

I have liked your other books over the years, but I feel the universe NEEDED you to write The Vampire Chronicles. I think our society collectively needed all that lust and drama and decadence. I think we needed the pulse you gave to us. I'm so grateful you wrote what you did.

I've roleplayed with some people for over 20 years, and your work has informed a great deal of that world-building. Even in places where there are no vampires, the way you tackled secrecy and sensuality and ancient things and darkness and wickedness still leave a trace in what I build. Others have added to it, but I can always feel your threads and I thank you for that.

Outside of your writing, you were sometimes a kook. You let your husband put his bad poetry in your books and you went religious for a while and maybe I lost interest in your writing as I got older. And that's fine. It doesn't change the foundation you gave to me. It doesn't alter that you brought happiness and joy to me when I needed it as a teen. 

I am saddened by your death. It is weird to think of the world not having you in it. Then again, the world WILL always have you in it because your books changed so many of us and your characters live on inside us. 

Thank you.

Good News Bad News

Bad news:

They did not find the source of the leak.

I had a panic attack and yelled a lot.

Good news:

I mostly just yelled in the car by myself. 

I was able to pull myself out of panic mode.

I came up with a plan for the car.

My roommate was wonderful and forgiving. 

I now have a passport for my computer so most of my stuff is off of it.

Therapy Plan

We went over my treatment plan today. I was pleased with it. Some aspects of it surprised me, but then again I'm supposed to be pushed (ever so gently) out of the little nest I've built for myself. This week I am to work on doing breathing exercises to calm me down before bed. I think I can, at the very least, manage to breathe.

Tomorrow the car goes into the shop so they can look at whatever is leaking. I've been trying so hard not to think about this all week. There is nothing I can do to fix it, nothing I can do to change it.....well, outside of just calling someone else to fix it. I hope it's an easy fix. I really do. I don't need to spend my birthday month in mechanic shops.

Better Discipline

I can't spell 'discipline' for the life of me. I always have to look it up and I shudder to think about all the places I've spelled it wrong.

Anyway, I had better snack discipline tonight. I planned for healthy snacks and said I would only eat those. I managed to make this happen. So yay. 

It's a day-by-day thing. I have a tendency to skip the healthy stuff for a few days and then assume it's all over. I am trying my best not to do that anymore. I'm trying to return to healthy habits even if I have a bad day or a series of them. I have to. This has to happen this time. 

Car Issues

The car is leaking something. It's not oil, but it's also not just water. I'm having it looked at on Friday. Didn't need car issues, but no one ever does so such is life I guess. 

I was better today. The booster has left me exhausted, nauseated, and fractious, but at least today I could do some folding and make some plans for stuff. Most of the plans are altered forms of bigger plans I had. Those can wait. I just need to get things SLIGHTLY more in order. 

Anyway, it was cold today. I wasn't disciplined about my eating. I'll try better tomorrow. 

Love and Music and Questions

Falling in love with another person is lovely. Sex is fun. 

But have you ever fallen in love with a song? Have you ever heard a song for the first time and felt like something inside you unlocked, like some you suddenly understood some new secret joy about the universe? Have you ever found that song and then listened to it over and over again, craving it like life itself, resenting that you have to sleep because that's keeping you away from the song? Ahh, is there any better love than that?

The best part is, even when you find that you're attention is drifting away from the song, the change is still there. It still altered you. It still made you better. Nothing changed that. Every time you go back to the song, everything is still there. 

No greater love.

Not Well

The booster was difficult. I've been feverish, achy, and ick. I hope it clears up in a few days.

The Baby

The old cat has decided she is a baby and must spend the evening on my chest, usually covered with a blanket and always with the majority of my attention. 

This can be annoying but I'm letting it happen because she's old and she probably needs the warmth and reassurance. It's fine. I love her. I hope someone lets me be all cuddly and grumpy when I'm old as hell. 

New Start

I started therapy again today. I'm glad I did. It's been a bit over three years since I stopped and to be honest even that last year was pretty sketchy. 

I'm going into therapy this time with a very clear focus on my goals. I know what I want to accomplish and I accept that it will take time to break this down. I'm not expecting a quick fix but I am expecting results. I don't mean just from the therapist. I mean from myself as well.