TMNTWTF?

You know, just the other day I complained about Michael Bay and his need to destroy things beloved by others.  As if he heard me, he decided to do it again.  He's taking TNMT and turning it into some horrible Michael Bay fuckery that he thinks will be awesome but will just end up sucking the caked up pus off the festering sores of a filthy giant's balls.

How does this stuff even happen?  Do movie execs get together, knock themselves in the head with cast iron skillets and then say things like, "Well, everyone hated his last movies, so why not let him destroy new things?"  Did he sell his soul to the Devil?  If so, does this mean the Devil is deeply lame or incredibly cruel? Both?

Michael Bay has already stated the ninja turtles will be aliens. So I'm guessing this makes them Teenage Mutant Ninja Aliens? Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles? Though, my guess is that they won't be teenagers and probably won't be ninja.  So really, it's just Aliens. Probably who explode. Or cause explosions.

Wait, I'm not being logical about this. Okay. This is my prediction for the Michael Bay Teenage Alien Mutant Ninja Alien movie.

So the movie will really be about some hapless geek boy who is in love with a girl who has a really great body.  We see the body and possibly the girl's face. The girl will be very cliched and typical pretty, with this one quirk that just happens to be something that she either has in common with Hapless Geek Boy or something that will draw them together once the aliens land.

Somehow the government will be involved. Some scientist will say stuff and no one in the government will believe them. The scientist will either already be friends with Hapless Geek Boy or they will become so.  The scientist will also either be an attractive woman who is thinly masked as bookish OR it will be male with an assistant who is an attractive woman thinly masked as bookish.

Hapless Geek Boy will meet one or all of the Turtle Aliens. He'll be the only person they trust and there will be shenanigans where he tries to hide them from others.  Somehow the Hot Girl will get involved in his Alien Turtle secret.

At this point, things will stop making any sense at all, but this will be covered up by a lot of battles, fast music, and explosions. The Hot Girl will bounce around and somehow decide she loves Hapless Geek Boy. In an unrelated note, the government will show up.  More explosions will happen. Hapless Geek Boy will do . . . something . . . that saves the day. You will know when he is doing this because he will run and look very serious while explosions happen around him.

When the explosions stop, everyone will be in a circle around Hapless Geek Boy. The Aliens will smile at him, as will the government works and the scientist.  They won't smile in groups either. It will be one smiling at him, then the next. Once all the smiling is over, the Hot Chick will kiss him again.  Soon after this, the credits will begin to roll.

And . . . the movie will make a lot of money because everyone will go to see it and tell themselves that Michael Bay couldn't screw it up so badly, not again. Surely, not again.  After all, there are only so many times you can do that kind of thing to a movie before they just drag you away and throw you in a dungeon, right?  Right?

*sighs*