As you know by now, every Monday I allow the topic of the blog to be decided by someone else. Oh and if there is something you want me to discuss, I will. Just leave me a note someplace. There are links and besides, we all know we've lost most of our ability to really have privacy these days. Anyway, on to tonight's topic. Why do I blog?
Several years ago, I went to this weekend conference where a children's writer talked about his writing, writing in general, and what he believed to be the key to his success. He held up a journal. Then he pointed to a large stack of journals on the table beside him. Ever since he could write, he kept a journal. He would write in them until they were full and then start on a new one. He drew his source material from his journals and felt they were the most important thing about his writing.
I didn't feel inspired to start doing my own journal because of this, but that weekend did stick with me. Over the years, I've come back to it time and again, kind of in awe of someone having that much documented material over their own life. In my more depressed states, this sounded pretty horrible, because the concept of documenting all the crap that was happening seemed liked a very bad thing to do. When I wasn't so depressed . . . well, let's face it, for a long time, my two states were depressed or apathetic. Neither of which were very conducive to journal writing.
When I started therapy, I was encouraged to journal . . . and I didn't. In those early, dark years of therapy, I still couldn't bring myself to write about what was happening in my life. I felt like I would either be faking it to feel better or just complaining bitterly about what was going on. You'll note that when I finally did start blogging, I do sometimes write about my darkness, my crazies, and my bitters. However, that's all part of the process. And in the end, I think it's beneficial.
What actually started this blog was that a friend of mine began to blog and didn't want to do it alone. Okay, he didn't say that exactly, but he did encourage me to blog as well, so my assumption was that if he was blogging, it would help to have someone else doing it as well. Kind of like how people don't like to talk walks by themselves. Actually, it's a lot like that.
What kept me blogging, in those first months, was the fact that I stop almost everything I begin, and I didn't want to stop doing this. It was fairly easy for me, after all. It involved sitting and staring at the computer, two things I tend to be quite good at doing. I tried to give the blog direction at first. I thought I was going to blog about weird crafts and the like. However, if you're starting to blog, I'm not sure having a specific subject matter for your blog is the BEST way to go. I know it works for a lot of people, but it also limits your options. For some people that's fine, but I realized it wasn't going to work for me.
As I continued to blog, what I found I was really doing was rediscovering my writing voice. I'd lost that along the way somewhere. And even when I did have it, it was far from refined. When I look at my old writing, I find a lot of my influences in it and very little of me. After a while, I realized this was what I needed to do with the blog. I needed to find my Voice again.
I also realized there were a lot of things I wanted and needed to process. Part of it was the crazies, some of it was the grief, and part of it was the general annoyance at the fuckery going on around me. At the same time, I needed to talk about the beauty of my life, about the love I have, the blessings, and the amazing moments that I find myself being part of. I needed to see and write about both, document all of what was happening to me, so I could understand that the darkness is never bigger than the happy bright red funball that is the rest of the time.
Now I blog for all of these reasons, and also because it has become a large part of what is beautiful for me. I love this time I spend writing. It makes me happy and brings a nice sense of accomplishment to the end of my days. It helps me to feel I am being heard. It helps me to vent out my pain and rage out my angry. It helps me to poke fun at myself and the rest of the world.
I blog because I'm a better person for it, because I feel more complete for it. I blog because I know it's progress. I'm not sure towards what yet, but it's progress nevertheless. Finally, I blog because I love it. I really do love it. I think that's the best reason of all.
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