Thoughts on GoT Season Six Part Three

Faith and Identity

(GoT spoilers)

Post the Age of Enlightenment, our culture has slowly let go of the bonds that tie faith and identity together. It's one of the reasons why we have so much trouble relating to people who still do this. Mind you, I feel like we probably need another dose of this, given how strongly Personal Identity Politics seems to be captivating people, but that's a blog post for another day.

One of the difficult things about writing fantasy is that you often deal with worlds that have not had their own Age of Enlightenment. The concept of the person as separated from what s/he believes in is alien. The problem is, people who write these stories are products of a post-Enlightenment and have trouble thinking outside of it. I think that Game of Thrones Season Six did a fairly good job with it.

Faith is very important to the people of this world. Faith in gods. Faith in political figures. Faith in groups. Faith in codes of behavior. None of this is without merit either. Quite often, many of these faiths have a lot of justification for why people believe in them. The characters and we as the audience see proof of something that might be worth believing in. Magic. Miracles. Wars won against all odds. The tie to the individual is where things get complicated. When the faith is strong, so is the person. When faith falls apart, what is left of identity?

I'll warn you now, this was getting huge so I had to divide it into a couple of posts. We'll tackle Faith in the Person first.

One of the more interesting things about the Free Folk is that most of them don't accept the idea of bloodline leaders. That isn't to say that if you lead your tribe that your kid wouldn't, but more that your kid is going to have to prove themselves on their own merits, not based on what you've done. And it makes sense. Too many times, powerful and inspiring rulers are followed by lackluster or just downright awful children. That should never be the case.

As the story progresses, we find that this concept isn't just one the Free Folk believe. We as the audience also want to see the leaders be people who have strong qualities, not just impressive bloodlines. A lot of other characters, however, want those bloodlines in play. What begins to happen is that we see characters who have both royal blood and the ability to inspire others emerging as the leaders.

Jon is starting to just begin to experience something Daenerys has been dealing with since the last episode of the first season. He is now someone who inspires faith. He is someone people believe in and see as a person who can get them through the rough times. There is a reason for it. He's been brought back from the dead. He lived through a battle where he should have died a dozen times over. He walks with an albino creature of legend as his companion. Making Jon their king wasn't just a declaration of faith in his abilities, but a way of bonding his followers to him. Faith in Jon will get them back on their feet during battle. Faith in Jon will help them to survive the dark days.

Ever since she stepped out of the fire with baby dragons, this has been Daenerys's reality. People follow her. A lot of people criticize the character for having things too easy but tend to forget this is a teenaged girl in an incredibly sexist world who is not only staying alive but succeeding. She started out with nothing and is now heading towards her homeland with a massive army. Is it just because of the dragons? Of course not. But even if it were, it's important to keep in mind that no one else had managed to bring dragons into the world for over 100 years, even though a lot of people had tried.

One of the polarizing things about Daenerys is that she draws strength from her belief in herself. This doesn't bother me, but I guess a lot of people have trouble with the idea that a woman can place her faith in her own identity. Dany does, and really, Dany HAS to. She has nothing else. When she is in a scary situation, she is prone to listing her titles and names, but then again, that is also her way to keeping up her own inner strength. She had to face people who wanted to rape, enslave, and possibly kill her. She had no choice but to rely on her own abilities.

Even though people have often tried to come to her rescue, over and over again, Dany has proven that no one can really save her but herself. The same faith that others give to gods or kings or codes, Daenerys Stormborn gives to herself. Had she not, she would be dead by now.

Like Jon, she has publically displayed reasons for people to put faith in her. She walks out of burning buildings. She hatched dragons. She is able to unite people and inspire even the most cynical of Lannisters.

In our bitter and jaded modern way of thinking, this kind of Magic Jon and Dany can set our teeth on edge. It seems too much. People start bringing up terms like Mary Sue about them. Of course, we do this from the comfort of our homes, sitting in front of computers. We are not people who are facing the kind of despairing and harrowing situations that require people like Jon and Dany to inspire them. Dire circumstances require impressive people. Otherwise, people will lose hope.

Thoughts on GoT Season Six Part Two

Rules, Power, and Application

(Spoilers for GoT)

I was watching Scream last night and one of the jealous bystander characters commented that when it came to the main characters, it seemed like the rules didn't apply to them. This is a criticism I hear often when it comes to successful characters who survive any story. They didn't play by the rules. They didn't do the proper thing. They cheated. They were dishonorable. They chose violence.

Well, yes. Yes, they did. When it comes to successful characters in any story, what we often see are societies established to benefit the few and keep the masses compliant. Whatever we see as the dominant ruling class will be the people who benefit from the rules. We have to remember that rarely are stories set in places where everything is perfect and everyone is treated well. Usually with almost any story, there is this idea that the current system needs to be tweaked, if not completely altered. Charges in the society (and the rules it established) are usually good things.

With Game of Thrones Season Six, one of the major themes is the tension between compliance and noncompliance. Many characters are faced with moments when they have to decide to follow the rules or break them. Some try pretending, others try outright defiance, and other characters discover loopholes within the establishment that allow them to move forward in new directions. Others still look for ways to overthrow the current rules in order to establish their own.

This season's best example of pretending to follow the rules is Margaery Tyrell. Margarey found herself a prisoner of the Faith of the Seven and knew she was not only fighting for her own freedom but that of her brother as well. She knew Loras would break before she did. She'd been trained to handle people better. In order to save them both, she pretended to become a devout follower of the Faith and convinced her husband, King Tommen, to do the same.

Pretending to follow along has always worked for Margaery so far. She was taught to agree with and mold herself to people who had more power than she did because it was the best way for them to let their guard down and trust her. Once she was trusted, she could carve out a level of influence on this person.  At first, this seems to be working. She finds out that the High Sparrow is targeting her grandmother and is able to warn her to get out of the city. She doesn't have to do the walk of shame that Cersei endured. She seems to have a small amount of leverage, enough to free  her brother after his confession and trial.

Unfortunately, but the finale, we see that Margaery's plan fails. Unlike the other men she'd played before, the High Sparrow was new to power. Where the other men saw her as less than they were, he still viewed her as part of the upper class, someone who could never really be trusted. When the stakes were the highest they could possibly be, she told him the absolute truth about Cersei. Had he listened to her, they would have lived. He didn't and everyone died.

Speaking of the High Sparrow, when it comes to matters of compliance, he's an interesting case. Here is a man who was nowhere near the top of the power structure and yet he was able to find a way to topple it and put his own set of rules in place. Last season, the High Sparrow began to build his cult of followers in the wake of the confusion and fear that had gripped the people since the War of the Five Kings started. Do I believe he was sincere? Nope. Not even for a second. I think he was a great con man who saw a situation he could exploit. He was also very charismatic and knew how to work people.
In fact, he basically played Margaery's game last season. He pretended to comply with Cersei's wishes and be used as her weapon .  .  . until he had the chance to take her down. After that point, no threat from anyone in power mattered to him. He had the people on his side and the power of their belief. With that, he was able to start rewriting the rules in his favor.

It's easy to hate the High Sparrow, but you have to admire his tactics. Given how late he comes to the Great Game, he's actually one of its better players in that he gained control over Kings Landing in less than a year. He is threatened at every turn by some of the most influential people around. He bests Olenna. He bests Cersei. He isn't afraid of the King's power or Jaime Lannister's threats. Even when faced with the combined military forces of the Lannister and Tyrell armies, he manages to win.

Honestly, the High Sparrow could have stayed in power and led a religious revolution in the whole Seven Kingdoms had he not made one small mistake. Rules and the compliance to rules are like a dance when one is playing this kind of game. Cersei was defeated by him last season, but not out of things completely. According to the rules before her, she had one saving grace. She could ask for a trial by combat and win it.

Now, had the High Sparrow let this trial by combat happen, Cersei would have won. There is no denying that. But really, what would that have meant? All it would have proven was that the gods found favor in her and she couldn't be punished for the crimes she'd been charged with. It didn't mean the High Sparrow was out of power. In fact, had she lost, he would have stood to lose power because one of those charges against her was that Tommen wasn't legitimate and Tommen was the High Sparrow's best ally.

More than likely had Cersei's trial by combat went her way, Tommen still would have sent her out of the city. She probably would have taken Qyburn and the Mountain with her, meaning the High Sparrow had more influence over the Small Council. With Cersei out of the city, Jaime wouldn't have returned either, meaning the major physical threat to the High Sparrow was also gone. He really had nothing to lose by her winning, a lot to gain if she did, and a lot to potentially lose of she lost her trial.

In the end, though, he just couldn't stand the idea of being beaten. He changed the rules to where her trial could only be determined by the Faith. He backed Cersei Lannister into a corner and when backed into a corner, rules do not matter at all to her.

Cersei tried to play by the Faith's rules, but it was getting her nowhere. She tried the usual methods for circumventing those rules. She looked for allies like Kevan and Pycelle. She basically begged Olenna to help her. She tried to work the loopholes allowed to her. Honestly, if you look at her actions over the course of this season, she tried every possible method she could before she opted to kill all her enemies with fire. Nothing worked.

If she wanted to survive, her only remaining option was to destroy everyone at once. People will blame her completely for this, but I really don't. Cersei remained loyal to the people who were loyal to her. Had Kevan sided with her, she would have made sure he wasn't in the Sept. Had Olenna sided with her, I really do believe she would have tried her best to save at least one member of her family. No one aided her. Everyone took this situation as a way to laugh as 'that insufferable bitch Cersei' got what she deserved. And yet, they forgot how deeply dangerous she really could be.

I don't think she meant for Tommen to kill himself, but when he did, I believe her reaction was based on an understanding that in the end, even he wasn't on her side. People will blame her for his death, but of all the people in the equation, Tommen is the one who should have realized what his mother was capable of and what siding with the Faith and betraying her would accomplish.

Cersei is the one who set up the board for the Faith to take power and she is the one who took them down. In the process, she lost her last child and suffered a great deal of humiliation, but she also learned who her true friends were and at the end of the day, managed to still get everything else she wanted. All her enemies were dead and she sits on the throne. Margaery may have tried to work within the system and the High Sparrow may have tried to change it, but Cersei, by understanding when to decide the rules no longer applied, won in the end.

Thoughts on GoT Season Six Part One

(Warning, massive Game of Thrones Season Six spoilers. If you haven't watched and don't like to be spoiled, don't read.)

Season Six of Game of Thrones has ended and I have a lot to say about it. As I may have mentioned (I don't quite remember), Season 5 was my least favorite season and I came into this one, given that almost everything would be off-book, with a lot of hesitation. It could have gone horribly wrong. It didn't. While I won't say the season was perfect, it did produce some of the best television I think I've ever seen.

It did some other interesting things as well. Because the showrunners are still trying to tell a comprehensive story, they had to delve into some traditional storytelling techniques. Because they were working beyond the book material, they were suddenly in a position to write this in their own way. To do this, there are certain things that good writers employee, methods to weave stories in ways that both make sense and please the audience.

I don't mean they pandered to the audience (okay, on occasion, maybe they did), this is more that centuries of listening to storytellers has given us certain exceptions to how stories are delivered, cadences and themes. Patterns. One of the reasons this season felt so completed and right has to do with how it had repeated patterns and themes throughout. I wanted to touch on some of them because I really dig this kind of thing.

Reversal of Fortune is one of the major themes of the season. This is always the case for some characters in the show, but in this season, it is a huge factor. In the last Inside the Episode, one of the showrunners mentioned that Jon Snow started the season as a dead man. Given that he's King in the North by the last episode, he's done pretty well for himself.

When he said this, I realized this was true for many of our major characters. Several of them started this season out at one of, if not their very lowest points. Jon is dead. Cersei, still recovering from the emotional and physical damage inflicted by the Faith watches as her daughter's dead body is brought to her. Sansa and Theon are running from Ramsay's torture and very convinced either the elements or Ramsay's dogs will kill them. Daenerys has been captured by the Dothraki and is having to listen to them idly joke about raping her.

By the last episode, Jon is King in the North. Cersei has defeated her enemies (at a cost) and crowned Queen of the Seven Kingdoms. Sansa has rid the world of Ramsay and sits at the high table of Winterfell. Theon has regained his standing with his sister, most of his sense of self, and is sailing home with Dany. With them is amassed is the biggest armies we have ever seen on the show. From their lowest points to as high, as they can reach, these characters have used what they have available to them (and, admittedly, some luck) to change their lives for the better.

The truly satisfying thing about these reverses is how all of it feels earned. Sure, all of them have some help. Jon is brought back from the dead. Sansa and Theon are saved by Brienne. Cersei has Qyburn (and to a lesser extent, Jaime). Dany does have her dragons and followers. However, in most of these cases, even that help has been something they earned. Sansa's mother may be the reason she has Brienne, but Sansa still had the courage to escape and ask for help. Jon is saved because Davos is convinced he is needed (and talks Mel into doing it). Cersei shows respect to Qyburn's abilities and is basically the only person who does. And Dany did hatch those dragons and inspire the loyalty and love of the people who follow her.

Beyond the ways they are helped, each of these characters makes decisions and use their own agency to change where they are at the beginning. Jon leaves the Night's Watch and fights a very horrible battle. Sansa convinces her brother to wage that war and makes sure that he has help when he needs it. She also understands that Ramsay Bolton isn't the kind of person who can be left alive. Survives the Dothraki by understanding this is a culture where strength is admired. She is at her most haughty while she is with them because she knows any sign of weakness will be the end of her. She kills when she needs to and shows mercy to the others. Later, she remembers that her temper can get the best of he and listens to Tyrion instead of just killing everything. It seems to have paid off. Cersei tries to play by the rules and when it doesn't work, she takes matters into her own hands.

With Theon, we have an actual bigger payoff. From the very first season, Theon has been struggling with a lot of issues. As Ned Stark's hostage, he was never secure in his place. He felt half-Stalk/half-Ironborn. When he tried to act like his father's people, it backfired in the most nightmarish way possible. He lost so much of himself, was shattered as a person, and only started to regain a bit of who he was when Sansa came back into his life.

His actions are more subtle than the others but very much as significant. He chooses to go back home instead of continuing on with Sansa. He knows he has failed and that his culture doesn't accept failure, but he chooses home anyway. When he gets there and finds that his father has died, he has a chance to push his own claim for the throne, but instead chooses to support his sister. He knows she's the better option. When he supports her, he gains something he's felt he's not had in years. Yara is his family again. She becomes the embodiment of home he needed the whole time.

This isn't to say these reversals of fortune will make things easier for anyone. Each of these characters is in a far better place than the first of the season, but now the risks are higher and the falls could be massive. Many of them won their new status at great costs, costs they are yet to pay. Still, for the course of ten episodes, it's amazing to see how different things were for them.  

Broke Light Monday

We had to replace part of the ceiling fan today. Yes, the new one. It's really frustrating, but then again, it makes some sense. When I watched some videos on it (found by my roommate) Fixit Dude said the parts shouldn't be screwed in too tight because it can break (because it's plastic) and the one inside our kit was as tight as it could be.

Ol Boy who fixes things came over and replaced it for us. He was his usual charming self, but at least it got fixed. Hopefully the thing won't break for a while.

The whole light thing disrupted our day and plans. My roommate commented that we didn't need any more unexpected adventures. I tend to agree.

Cats in Summer Mode

During the winter, cats are easy pets. They sleep under blankets. They cuddle with you. They get really fluffy and plump. They want attention and affection. Best of all, when they sit on you, it helps you to battle the cold.

During the summer, cats are annoying snits. They want nothing to do with you. They get skinny and their fur looks weird. They lay in front of the AC and hiss when  you try to turn it off. Worst of all, in a constant effort to stay cool, they find the most annoying places they possibly can and sit there.

One of my cats thinks the bathroom is the coolest room in the house. Anytime I go in there to do my business, she's there, lounging somewhere. If you do anything on the toilet, she looks offended. If you turn on the water, she acts like you're threatening her. Worst of all, as soon as she realizes the door is closed, she starts howling like it will never open again and she's  trapped forever.

If she's not in the bathroom, she's trying to find comfort on a shelf. This rarely works out because she's clumsy and falls off of them. The other day, she fell off of the bottom shelf. It's so close to the floor she basically had to invent a new way of falling.

Later, she tried to lay on  the shelf next to me. My shelf is organized to use the space as best I can. At first, she was laying where I put my shoes. Then she was on top of where I store my meds. She tried to get on  the top shelf and I stopped her, but not before she dug her claws into the messenger bag I use to carry my tablet.

I get it. They're uncomfortable. Hell, I'm uncomfortable. When I first got cats, I was in a house with central air and it wasn't so bad. Regulating a 100-year-old house isn't easy on anyone. Still, they could at least TRY to be less annoying. They won't, but they could try.

Toxic State of Affairs

I had to be in  the hot van today and it sucked. However, it did make coming into the house, even without the AC on, seem pretty nice. The lawn was mowed today and weeds were handled. It's possibly hot enough and dry enough that lawn mowing won't be a major issue this year. We'll see.

Brexit happened and Britain will be leaving the EU. A lot of people are upset about this, but a lot are also very happy. I can see both sides. Britain benefitted from the EU in a lot of ways. And considering that the global economy is freaking out about this, clearly, the EU benefitted from Britain's participation.

However, just like with any relationship, there is a point to where the continual dissatisfaction and mutual bad feelings make the whole thing toxic. After a while, the toxicity outweighs any benefit. The EU kept adding more rules and regulations. Even if they were good for Britain in the long run, this wasn't what they signed up for. The people were complaining and angry.

And you know how it goes in a relationship. If the other person is constantly angry and unhappy and being dissatisfied with everything, you have to wonder why they're not leaving. If someone is that unhappy, they should just go away, consequences be damned.

Will this be the start of the end of the EU? Perhaps. It's also possible that the EU could use this shocker to take a good long look at what it's been doing and make some changes. At this point, no one knows what will happen.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

You can't always get what you want . . . though, in  this country, you can certainly sue for it. Today, the Supreme Court of the United States had to rule on a case that never should have gone to the Supreme Court. Fisher v. The University of Texas at Austin is a case of someone's spoiled unwillingness to understand that the world does not revolve around them, nor is it out to get them.

Basically, Abigail Fisher didn't have the grades or test scores to get into the university. That is the bottom line here. She didn't have the grades to get in. Think about that for a second. Even when I was in college, most people who knew what school they wanted to go to would start working towards those requirements early on. If you needed a certain ACT score and you didn't have it, you would work on computer tutorials or hire a tutor to help you. You would do what you needed to do to get the grades. It isn't like she would have been  unaware of what these requirements were. Any college will tell you basic requirements online.

So it isn't like she met the requirements in the first place. Even if she had, we live in a society where LOTS of people meet the requirements for college. LOTS of people work hard. LOTS of people try to get in. Even if you do everything right, you still may not get what you want. Then again, how many countless stories over the centuries have been written about people who didn't get the THING THEY WANTED but then move on to something even better.

This isn't even why she was suing. The University has 47 open slots for people who don't meet the requirements, but otherwise demonstrate potential to be at the college. These slots were given to people who were not Fisher. Did she have better grades than they did? Yes. However, it needs to be remembered that her grades were still not good enough to get her into the school. Other factors were considered for these slots. Her argument was that she didn't get in due to Affirmative Action and that this wasn't fair.

As I said, you can't always get what you want, but you can sue for it. You can also lose that suit. In this case, that was certainly the correct call.

For one thing, as a woman, even if she is white, Fisher is still considered in the group of people who would benefit from Affirmative Action. Affirmative Action isn't there just to help people of color. It helps any group who is under-represented, including women.

Second of all, and I think this is THE most annoying part about the suit, of the 47 slots open to students who didn't make the grades or have the test scores, 42 of them DID go to white students. Fisher wasn't suing over 47 students. She was suing over 5. She was angry because 5 people who weren't white were chosen before she was and the ONLY reason she could accept for this being the case had to do with them being chosen for the color of their skin.

She DID NOT lose her position to Affirmative Action.

Most often when it comes to slots like this, many factors have to be considered and many of those have to do with character. Now, I'm not one to harp on the content of one's character, but when it comes to things like college acceptance and getting jobs, I know it's something people look at. "How willing are you to work to achieve your goals?" "How well do you handle setbacks?" "How mature are you when you face rejection?" "What happens when you don't always get what you want?"

If the answers to these questions are basically "not much," "not well," "I throw a fit," and "I blame everything else, throw a fit, and waste everyone's time and resources so I can throw my fit at the Supreme Court" then I really don't think you meet the character requirements most colleges are looking for.

In the end, being angry about something that is just a flawed narrative in your head still won't get you what you wanted, even if you sue. All it gets you is being known as #BeckywiththeBadGrades for the rest of your life.

Summer Sickness

I was insanely sick and spent the majority of last night in my humid and horrible bathroom. Even when we can get the rest of the house to some kind of pleasant temp, that bathroom stays horrible. Walking in there causes instant sweating. When you're sick and you have to be in there, it's even worse.

I spent today recovering as best I could. I feel somewhat more human, which is helpful. Hopefully, I can get some better sleep tonight. Last night, sleep was almost nonexistent. Fortunately, I was able to take a few naps today to make up for that.

Hot Tired Stressed

The wheel on my desk broke today and it was kind of the nail in the coffin of what had been a really stressful and emotional day for me. I was very frustrated with everything. It was hot and humid, but not so much as I could justify turning on the AC. It was right on the edge of that, so I suffered in discomfort, but not danger.

I'm already so tired of summer and its various issues. Really, honestly, I'm just tired of everything. I'm tired and over everything. I know I'll feel better as soon as I can be in some hours of cooler air. I know it's just the heat and the stress of the heat that's getting to me, but right now it has me so on edge I could scream.

The worst part is that I can't even comfort myself with the idea that soon summer will be over. For one thing, this is the beginning of it. For another, I just know leaving the summer months will bring on other stressors and right now, all of it feels overwhelming.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.

Two Years

This is the second anniversary of my hysterectomy. Two years since the scariest day of my life. Two years since I was sterilized. Two years of being a survivor of the cancer.

I spent the day talking to people and organizing my very jumbled bookmarks. I worked on my blanket some. I listened to some songs. Other than the bookmark part, it was a pretty typical day for me on the outside.

On the inside, well . . .

My roommate reminded me that life altering things sometimes take a long while to come to terms with. Sometimes, they take the rest of your lifetime. I don't know if it will take that long, but I was grateful for the understanding.

So Happy Hysterversary to me.

Life Altering

They're having funerals for the people in Orlando now. It's a crazy time. A lot of people are trying to make this whole tragedy about their personal agendas. If you read the blog, you know how much I hate that. The dead need to be mourned. Let people mourn them and shut up about everything else. After all, the hard part is about to begin.

Many people died in the Orlando shooting, but a lot of other people didn't. Some of those people were injured and are still recovering. Others escaped unharmed by the shooting, though not unharmed by the shooter.

For everyone who survived what happened in that nightclub, their lives are forever altered. They now have to live with the knowledge that someone wanted to kill them. This person wanted to kill them enough that he brought a gun to the place where they were and tried to end their lives. They now understand hatred in a new way. And this understanding will change them. I'm not saying it will destroy them, but it will certainly change them and how they view the world.

When I was a kid, people hated my family enough to shoot at us and try to kill us. To understand someone could hate me enough (and mind you, at the time, I was under seven) to point guns at my home and shoot them opened up a kind of despair inside me I've never really moved past. I can't. And every time something like this happens and I think about the survivors, I wonder if they feel that same kind of disquiet.

This isn't something you can forgive. I mean, I guess you can, but it doesn't change anything. While you can harbor negative emotions towards the people who did this, that is far, far less jolting that the emotions you keep towards just, I guess life in general. It's less about them and more about just the horrible reality of knowing someone wanted to kill you.

If you have to face this reality, you're not really the person you were before. You can't be. The world isn't the same world it was before.

Darkness of June

It's only been two years, so I really don't know for certain, but it seems that, at least for a while, this week of June is always going to be weird for me. I still feel the shadows of the fear and loneliness of this time. I still feel the way some minutes and hours could stretch out and seem far longer than they should have. This is a dark time for me.

I survived, but not all of me did. Part of me was ripped away and destroyed. That's a literal statement, actually, even if it does sound all cliche goth poetic.

Okay, this isn't like a major thing that sticks with me every minute of my day, but sometimes I feel really awful about this whole process. The part of me that would have brought kids into the world was diseased and had to be removed. I never really wanted kids, but that's still a tough pill to swallow.

It makes me feel like my being female was just some kind of cruel joke. I suffered for it and almost died because of it, with no real benefit from it ever coming my way. Then again, I know there are a lot of women who view gender this way, ones who have had far worse things happen to them because of it.

I'm in a pretty dark place right now. I suppose I will be for a few days.

Pennyroyal

I watched an episode of Murdoc Mysteries and the topic at hand was the various ways that women used to try to end pregnancies when abortion was illegal. The woman who died had ingested Pennyroyal in extract form and bled to death. Pennyroyal, in very small doses, can be used for various things, but it can be toxic to humans (and animals and insects, actually).

I find it interesting how the perception of abortion doctors can change depending on how people view the topic. Last year when they faked those videos about Planned Parenthood selling body parts, they played on the narrative that anti-choice people seem to believe .  . . that abortion doctors are these horrible people who prey on young women who have no idea what is happening.

I believe this is one of the reasons why Oklahoma passed a law to educate everyone on what happens during pregnancy, as a way to 'create an abortion-free society.' They seemed convinced that people don't grasp what is happening during pregnancy, which is complete bullshit.

Listen, we all understand that a baby is growing. I really don't think any woman goes to get an abortion because she thinks there is a lump of molding clay inside her body that needs to be removed. We get it. Throughout history, women have ALWAYS understood this. And yet, despite that, they still did whatever they could to end the pregnancies, because they knew bringing this baby into the world would be worse than killing it. It would be worse for them. It would be worse for the child.

In the episode, we saw the other narrative about abortion doctors. The one where these doctors would risk their careers and freedom to make sure the abortions happened as safely as possible. They'd seen too many women die from this and wanted to do what they could to stop that.

Abortion is a very bad solution to a much bigger problem, but making it illegal won't make that problem go away. It just puts everyone back in the dark about it, makes people take bigger risks, and causes more tragedy. If we want to end it, we need to promote birth control and work to create a more stable economy. Those are the only ways to really curb it. If we make it illegal, we just end up with more women dying from Pennyroyal.

Heat and Other Things

It got so hot today we had to turn the AC on. I have to admit, this is kind of a relief. The worst thing about the lower 90s is that I just can't justify the expense of using the AC. But past that, it has to come on or things get dangerous. It's rather nice to be dry for a few hours.

I saw my best friend today. I had a lot of fun with her and her family. We watched some Game of Thrones and laughed as the dramatic music made all the silenced commercials on TV look really funny.

It's Wasps Get into the House Season (another fun aspect of summer) and we needed a new place to hang the fly swats. We have hooks left on the window casings where we used to hold drapery tiebacks. I suggested we use the hooks for the swats. It . . . oddly looks more awesome than one might imagine.

103

103 is the heat index for today. It was humid and nasty and awful. I say was. It is STILL humid and nasty and awful. It isn't going to be a fun night to sleep. I hate summer, but everyone knows that already.

Seriously though, this is awful.

And yes, for some deeply crazy reason, I'm knitting a blanket right now. What possessed me? Anyway, I'm confident enough in my understanding of the pattern to start getting it to make some design sense. I guess that's a good thing. Still though, WHY am I knitting a blanket?

11

Eleven is the number of Tonys won by Hamilton last night. One of those was Best Musical, of course. And it was very well deserved. Everyone was quite gracious about it.

I'd never actually SEEN the Tony Awards before. I tend to avoid most awards shows because they're boring. The Tonys were a lot of fun but I suppose that makes sense considering most everyone there is used to performing onstage. It was very neat.

Miranda also read this sonnet, about the awards,  his wife, and what happened in Orlando. It's amazing. He's amazing. I believe he is our next important poet.

Thoughts on Various Levels of Terrorism

I've thought a lot about the whole Brock Turner situation and how horrible it is. I'm glad people helped his victim. I'm glad she survived, as much as she could, though her life will never be what it was before. I'm glad that most people who hear about what happened are outraged by him and his actions.

Sometimes people will ask why we let rape happen so often. And it is a matter of 'let' because we could raise folks better than this. We just don't. The truth of the matter is, we let a great deal of rape slide because some deep, dark aspect of our society likes being able to terrify people with the prospect of it.

Think about it. One of the main reasons men fear prison is the idea of being raped. For some, that very detail will be the thing that keeps them from doing whatever illegal thing they were about to do. As for women, well, the fear of rape dictates a great deal of how we live our lives. How we dress, how we walk, our level of comfort in any given situation, who we talk  to, where we go, even what major we choose can often be rooted in the constant need to avoid rape.

Not that we can. If you're in a room with a rapist, the odds aren't in your favor, no matter how well you play by the rules.

Rape is a form of terrorism, designed to keep people in their place. Like all terrorism, it's not only an act of violence against the victims but a message to those who might be next. The mass shooting of the gay club in Florida is the same kind of thing. Play by the rules. Don't do things to offend us. Or we will destroy you.

In the end, I guess you'll have to destroy us. I believe most of us have grown weary of slinking around in the dark corners of society, faceless, nameless, and quiet. We're no longer quiet and we won't go back to that. We won't submit. We won't comply. Die on your feet and not live on your knees and all  that jazz.

Wouldn't it be peachy if we could just learn to leave other people unharmed?

The Oddball Yarn

As I've written about a lot, recently I was given some yarn by a friend. Some of it I loved and knew exactly what I wanted to do with it. Now, she didn't purchase this yarn herself so I know this won't offend her. Some of the rest of it was kind of ugly and I had no idea at all what would become of it.

In the end, I decided all of  the oddball yarn would go into a blanket for me. Blanket for me doesn't have to look like anything that great, as I am mostly interested in using the making of it for practice and the actuality of it for warmth.

Last night, I decided I would start adding what I considered to be the ugliest of the oddball yarns. When I pulled it out of the box the first time, but of us looked at it and made noises of dismay. It was a truly unfortunate color that I would never use in anything . . . other than this blanket.

The thing is, when I started working with it, I found that it knits beautifully. All the little details of my work are really clear. Everything is in nice rows. The yarn responds well to the sticks and to what I'm trying to do with it. It honestly makes me look like a better knitter than I am.

Before I started with this yarn, I kind of dreaded the time I'd have to work with it. Instead, it's become a real joy. I've actually stopped the post twice to work on the blanket just a little bit. That's how much I'm loving this.

So again, to my friend who gifted me with this box of goodies, thank you! Thank you so much!

New Things on a Friday

The project is still going well. I've switched colors and decided on the next color after this. I'm kind of getting a color scheme in my head. It's been sticky and uncomfortable all day. The weekend is looking like it will be as well. They described it as unseasonably hot with a chance for storms. Nasty.

All the new yarn is in various containers now, sorted by projects. Well, most of it. I tossed all the black and white into one container because I know I'll always be using it.  Oh! And I got a new lamp today! Yay!

Heh! I just had to edit that last sentence because I wrote I got a new 'lap' . . . everyone would have been so confused.

Little Sticks

As I was falling asleep, I realized some ways I could fix the new project. A lot of the continual problems were due to the awkwardness of trying to turn long needles for so few stitches. I finally realized I could easily fit ten stitches on my circular needles. I pulled them out this morning and it really has made the whole process easier.

The only issue I have now is that the closeness of my fingernails and the needles is screwing with the skin on my index fingers. I have little rips and I'm starting to get blisters. I hope they'll get some level of resistant soon.

In the meantime, the little sticks are making all the difference in  the project. I'm doing this one for myself, just to learn how and get a lot of practice in. Also, if I'm going to knit, I might as well have my own knitted blanket.

Grasping

I didn't blog last night because all the emotional nasty from the appointment finally caught up to me. I was kind of in a dark, frozen state for a few hours. I mean, I could function, but at a fairly shut down level. Tonight it's sticky and humid. I feel gross, but that's better than feeling emotionally broken.

On a happier note, I now have a bunch of new yarn! Much thanks to the friend who decided she didn't want it! I have projects more or less planned with most of it. It needs to be balled up. That will happen over the rest of the week.

There is a certain technique I want to do with some of the projects. I used my semi-fugue state last night to try and work on the technique, but so far, my mastery of it is about, well, what you would expect for someone of my limited abilities. I'm only grasping the smallest concept of it, but I'm sure with practice I'll get, well, not GOOD at it, but okayish at it.

I must truly love this hobby because I continue to pursue it even though I more or less suck!

Appointment is Over

I don't think there is a word in existence that can express the level of relief I feel right now. I dreaded this doctor's appointment so much. I did not want it to happen. As I wrote about, I considered canceling it several times. I was a mess when I left today. The only reason I managed to get any sleep is because I forced myself to just think about other things when I went to bed.

The new gyno is awesome because I won't really be seeing him! He has a nurse practitioner who handles all his follow up visits and I like her a lot. I had to go through the full pelvic exam, but it wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be. I didn't even up being a weeping, panicky mess by the end of it. So yay to that!

I would again like to express my thankfulness to the people who have helped me through this process. People have toted my nervous butt up to Tulsa and kept me kept me distracted while I waited for these appointments. People have talked me down from panic and kind of just gently let me freak out from time to time. It means so much to me that this was allowed.

Walmat Fat Shaming

I broke my rule today. I argued with people on Facebook. I shouldn't have. In fact, I've been pretty good about NOT doing it, but today, I just lost it and couldn't help myself. Someone, who is not that skinny of a person themselves, posted a picture of a fat person on the motorized wheelchair from Walmart. The caption was "This is for the frail, not for the whale."

And, predictably, people started talking about who true this is. I tried to keep myself from commenting, but in this case, I just couldn't. And really, I didn't do it for me. I'm not trying to sound noble here, because we all know that I'm not. However, there have been lots of times when people were saying stuff about fat people and the situation applied to me and I just felt awful and ashamed. There was no defense of people in my situation. No one looking at it from any other perspective.

The truth is, I have someone who is willing to shop for me. I am spared the hell of having to go into the store, and it would be a hell. I am spared from having to be on that motorized wheelchair and ride around, selecting things and knowing people were judging me from all sides. And yes, they would be. We may ignore a lot of things in this society, but not fat people doing fat people things.

So I commented that people can be fat and also frail. Some people don't choose to ride because they're just lazy. Some people choose this because they really have no other physical options. Someone protested back that they were fat and THEY walk through the store.

I told them this was awesome for them. Then I asked them if they have gout or constant hip pain or Pickwickian syndrome or legs so swollen they can hardly move them. Of course, they didn't.

To so many people, 'fat' is not being able to get into the size 8s that you wore in high school. They don't know what it means to really be trapped by it. They don't know what it means to have simple situations like going to the store be an event you have to dread. They don't understand how horribly scary and embarrassing facing situations like that can be. If they did, they certainly wouldn't post snide comments about it on Facebook.

Or hell, maybe they would.

I said my peace and blocked the post. I wasn't looking for any kind of apology or hoping someone would get a little sympathy. I mostly just wanted the people out there who are in the situation of being fat and at the mercy (and judgement) of riding in the cart to know not everyone saw them as a horrible person.

Wickedness with Sims

I spent part of the day giving makeovers to more dour men in the Simsverse. I felt kind of sad because one of the men I most wanted to makeover is dead. It's my fault he's dead, actually, or rather, the fault of one of my sims. She was banging him in public and he died. Yes, that is a Thing That Can Happen.

Anyway, I mostly want to give him a makeover because, despite being one of the richest sims around, he is also the crazy homeless man who hangs out in the park. I have no idea why he does both, but he does. Maybe it's some kind of performance art thing.

Hmm. I may have to bring him back from the dead, just to set this plan into motion.

Bad Friday

Even though I woke up okay, I ended up being sick most of the day. It's carried on into the evening. I hope I sleep okay because this is awful. I also hope it cools off some, because that's also a little bit awful.

I got the confirmation for my appointment on Monday. It settled in my stomach like the squick I've been feeling. I'm really not happy about this appointment or the changes it could bring. I'm doing my best not to think about it, but it isn't easy.

Beyond that, I'm just going to try to move through the minutes.

Amazing What a Little Lipstick Can Do

It was actually pleasant today. The weather stayed nice and we got some rain. The only real annoyances were the constant barking of neighborhood dogs and the fact that the yard got mowed. I don't really have anything against a nice lawn, other than the noise and the smell of wild onions. The rain knocked out the scent of cut onions, though, so all was well.

Sims 4 updated today in a most unexpected way. They lifted all the gender restrictions on their characters and added some nifty new options. I spent the rest of the day turning every dour, boring old Sim I could find into a drag queen. Every single one of them looked better. Most of them now have ballgowns on. It's kind of glorious.

I need to make a new club for them.

Various

Sometimes when my roommate and I go into Fort Smith, we are very successful in our shopping. Other times, like today, it's just a big mess of frustration. We only had two items to get, but neither of them could be found. Several stores were visited and several stores brought only disappointment.

It's June now. We've yet to have to turn on the AC and possibly won't have to until after the weekend. At the the same time, the humidity has been awful. I've had to use my oxygen a lot. The weather is draining and rough.  At least it's cooling down enough at night to allow for sleep. Once that ends, things are pretty awful.

Speaking of which, I'm really hoping the weather stays as it's supposed to for Sunday night. I have to go to Tulsa on Monday and I need to be able to sleep well the night before.

Words cannot express how much I DO NOT WANT to go to this appointment. Everyday I consider canceling it. The abstract notion of seeing a new gyno was one thing, but now that the reality is looming, I'm starting to really be uncomfortable about it. I have so many unknowns going into this. I'm  trying to calm myself down by plotting ways to make it go easier, but so far, even that isn't helping.

Then again, by this time next week, the appointment will be over and done with. By this point next week, hopefully I'll even be recovered from it.