I have a busy week ahead of me. I have to go to therapy, a doctor's appointment, shopping, Fort Smith for most of a day, and then do Thanksgiving on Saturday. I am not looking forward to any of it. Maybe I will when it gets closer to time, but right now it just all seems overwhelming and painful. A lot of physical effort and pain. I've been in so much pain lately.
I've been rehabbing my arms, but they still hurt. It's going to take time and maybe they're hurting a little less than they were before. I am still aware of them, though, and that is the biggest annoyance. I suppose the main reason I will never completely be able to honestly believe in body positivity is that I know I hate my body.
I don't think it's ugly and unworthy. It isn't like that. Those issues are meaningless. I hate my body because it is the major source of my pain, discomfort, and embarrassment. Seriously, most of the mortifying moments of my life have been caused by my physical form. Because of the size of my body, I am almost always in situations where I have to manage discomfort. I don't fit into things. Nothing can hold me. Things aren't wide enough.
The pain drama is always the worst part though. Aching here. Hurting there. Pain so intense I can't sleep. Pain so profound and prolonged I can't think. Shoulders today. Hips tomorrow. Feet. Hands, Butt. Sinus hell. It's like my body is just in this constant state of agitation and anger. It can't just be quiet, be stable, and be nice. If I could have a week where this or that wasn't hurting, where I didn't have sinus issues, where no stomach issues occurred, where everything just functioned without drama, there is no telling how much I could accomplish.
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