I've had to go to Fort Smith 3 times in the last two weeks. Every time, it's been raining buckets on my way back. Everything was gray and wet and nasty. Worst of all, it was late enough in the day to where I couldn't just ride the rain out because it was going to get dark.
Normally, I love rain, but driving in it when it's hitting that hard is not fun. Mind you, one of those times I was just riding in the car, but still. It's stressful as hell. I'm aware I sound like an old lady. I do not care. This weather need to find some other time to pee.
Tuesday, February 27, 2018
Monday, February 26, 2018
Warfare
I've started a new tactic with the main asshole in my game. I read an article a while back about how American men don't really have a lot of adult friendships with other men. They have buddies and companions, but no true friends who really talk to them and engage with them on an emotional level. In some cases, a lot of men don't get spoken to at all. This isn't all of them, of course, but a great deal of them do.
I started thinking about the dynamics of the difficult guy from the perspective of the male persona I was playing. What were his actions telling me? Well, for one thing, given the way he would sneer at teamwork, he probably never participated in team sports as a kid. Now for me as a kid who grew up fat, this seems like a good thing, but for many kids, especially boys given the way they are socialized, this is another point of loneliness and isolation.
I also examined why, in this persona, I was more offended by him taking gov after gov than I had been when I was just being myself. I realized it was because of the influence of growing up around hunters. Hunters have a limit to how much game they can take and it's considered in very bad form to go over that.
If I knew this just as someone on the margins of that culture, it was pretty certain the difficult dude was not part of it at all. Now, again, growing up the as a little fat girl, I have no problem that no one ever took me hunting. But for many boys (and yes, some girls too), this is a rite of passage into adulthood. Going into the deer woods isn't just about killing things. It's about hearing stories around the fire, getting taught skills by the older men, and earning their respect as you excel in your tasks. In other words, like with sports, it's another bonding experience.
I also realized that the male persona I was playing, given where he has grown up and the job I have designed him to have, WOULD HAVE done these things. He played baseball as a kid. He played it in high school too and knows the feeling of winning as a team. He's been in the deer woods with the men of his family since he was 11 or so, was happy when he was included. In fact, his sense of male inclusion is one of the reasons he's so chill most of the time.
With that in mind, when I encountered the difficult guy in the multiserver again, I engaged him in conversation. I didn't confront him for being difficult like almost everyone else does, I talked about the game, asked him some questions, and commiserated with him about certain aspects of it.
Later I came back into the multiserver. A gov was getting lower and lower. He was standing near it, but I went up anyway and hit it on 0. I got it.
"Oh I must have had the wrong skills on." He typed this in after congratulating me. It's possible he did, but it was sitting at 0 and he could have taken it at 10. I think it's more a matter of me having the right skills in this situation.
I started thinking about the dynamics of the difficult guy from the perspective of the male persona I was playing. What were his actions telling me? Well, for one thing, given the way he would sneer at teamwork, he probably never participated in team sports as a kid. Now for me as a kid who grew up fat, this seems like a good thing, but for many kids, especially boys given the way they are socialized, this is another point of loneliness and isolation.
I also examined why, in this persona, I was more offended by him taking gov after gov than I had been when I was just being myself. I realized it was because of the influence of growing up around hunters. Hunters have a limit to how much game they can take and it's considered in very bad form to go over that.
If I knew this just as someone on the margins of that culture, it was pretty certain the difficult dude was not part of it at all. Now, again, growing up the as a little fat girl, I have no problem that no one ever took me hunting. But for many boys (and yes, some girls too), this is a rite of passage into adulthood. Going into the deer woods isn't just about killing things. It's about hearing stories around the fire, getting taught skills by the older men, and earning their respect as you excel in your tasks. In other words, like with sports, it's another bonding experience.
I also realized that the male persona I was playing, given where he has grown up and the job I have designed him to have, WOULD HAVE done these things. He played baseball as a kid. He played it in high school too and knows the feeling of winning as a team. He's been in the deer woods with the men of his family since he was 11 or so, was happy when he was included. In fact, his sense of male inclusion is one of the reasons he's so chill most of the time.
With that in mind, when I encountered the difficult guy in the multiserver again, I engaged him in conversation. I didn't confront him for being difficult like almost everyone else does, I talked about the game, asked him some questions, and commiserated with him about certain aspects of it.
Later I came back into the multiserver. A gov was getting lower and lower. He was standing near it, but I went up anyway and hit it on 0. I got it.
"Oh I must have had the wrong skills on." He typed this in after congratulating me. It's possible he did, but it was sitting at 0 and he could have taken it at 10. I think it's more a matter of me having the right skills in this situation.
Sunday, February 25, 2018
Last Sunday in the Month Post
Today was really tiring. All we did was go shopping, but that was honestly enough. I'm glad I don't have to shop in the morning. I'm glad I can just sleep for a while and try to recover. The dismal rainy weather is getting to me.
This is the last week of February and it's had its ups and downs. It didn't snow, thank all the gods, but we've had some horrible rain. It's good we made our rain totals for the month, but I like it more when that's happening that while I'm not driving.
Anyway, here's hoping for a good week.
This is the last week of February and it's had its ups and downs. It didn't snow, thank all the gods, but we've had some horrible rain. It's good we made our rain totals for the month, but I like it more when that's happening that while I'm not driving.
Anyway, here's hoping for a good week.
Trauma
I read this morning that some of the kids who survived the school shooting in Florida are getting death threats from gun supporters now. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, though it always baffles me how people can be so counter-productive about what they're trying to accomplish. You don't convince people that guns are perfectly safe by threatening to shoot them.
Besides, in this case, it probably won't even work.
Most of the time when people experience trauma, it screws them up. They're fearful and broken. They retreat and grow quiet in the hope that if nothing else hears them or notices them, nothing else bad will happen. This response is understandable, but it often doesn't work. The monsters in the world seek out the people who are reacting this way because they know that something with cracks in it is easier to break.
Sometimes, though, when you traumatize someone, they don't get quiet. They are still scared and messed up, but they believe the best way to find security is to fight as hard as they can for it. They get really loud. In situations like this, where there are groups of them, they find strength in unity.
They also realize they've faced death, which makes your death threats rather meaningless.
Besides, in this case, it probably won't even work.
Most of the time when people experience trauma, it screws them up. They're fearful and broken. They retreat and grow quiet in the hope that if nothing else hears them or notices them, nothing else bad will happen. This response is understandable, but it often doesn't work. The monsters in the world seek out the people who are reacting this way because they know that something with cracks in it is easier to break.
Sometimes, though, when you traumatize someone, they don't get quiet. They are still scared and messed up, but they believe the best way to find security is to fight as hard as they can for it. They get really loud. In situations like this, where there are groups of them, they find strength in unity.
They also realize they've faced death, which makes your death threats rather meaningless.
Friday, February 23, 2018
A Year
My roommate reminded me that it was a year yesterday since I had to take Rhiannon to the vet. I still miss her. The grief is still with me and while it isn't as intense as it was there for a while, I'm still not the same since I lost her and her sister.
I still feel a lot of guilt about her death. Rationally I know that as the human responsible for her, I was making the best decision. Her quality of life was poor due to her declining health. She spent a lot of her time confused and scared. She was having a number of physical issues that medicine couldn't solve. This was the kind choice, but sometimes being kind is very hard.
The truth is, no amount of reasonable facts can make me forgive myself for the act. Part of me feels there should have been another option, even though I know there wasn't one. Then again, I still feel that way about holding my grandmother's hand as she died. Even after all these years, I feel like something else should have been done.
In both cases, things ended the only way they could . . . with me holding on to the person I loved as they died. In both cases, this was profound. In both cases, I think something in my psyche was altered. I'm just not the same person I was.
Then again, on some level, I think that's for the best. I don't think we should ever get used to watching those we love die. I think it should always rip us just a little bit. It is a reminder of them that stays with us, tugs at us, and keeps their memory alive.
My roommate and I talk about Rhiannon (and the other ghost cats) a lot. When I pet the new kitty, I always think about how the fur of the cats I've lost felt against my hand. When I sing songs to my best friend's daughter, they're the songs my grandmother would sing to me.
I still feel a lot of guilt about her death. Rationally I know that as the human responsible for her, I was making the best decision. Her quality of life was poor due to her declining health. She spent a lot of her time confused and scared. She was having a number of physical issues that medicine couldn't solve. This was the kind choice, but sometimes being kind is very hard.
The truth is, no amount of reasonable facts can make me forgive myself for the act. Part of me feels there should have been another option, even though I know there wasn't one. Then again, I still feel that way about holding my grandmother's hand as she died. Even after all these years, I feel like something else should have been done.
In both cases, things ended the only way they could . . . with me holding on to the person I loved as they died. In both cases, this was profound. In both cases, I think something in my psyche was altered. I'm just not the same person I was.
Then again, on some level, I think that's for the best. I don't think we should ever get used to watching those we love die. I think it should always rip us just a little bit. It is a reminder of them that stays with us, tugs at us, and keeps their memory alive.
My roommate and I talk about Rhiannon (and the other ghost cats) a lot. When I pet the new kitty, I always think about how the fur of the cats I've lost felt against my hand. When I sing songs to my best friend's daughter, they're the songs my grandmother would sing to me.
Wednesday, February 21, 2018
Eye Exam
Yesterday I had my eyes examined. It was awful. It rained on the way up there. I wasn't driving, thank all the gods, but it still wasn't fun. We were both wet when we walked into the office.
The appointment itself was also awful. My eyes were dilated and that always makes me nauseous. Plus, once they did that to me, they kept flashing more and more awful light into my eyes. I was a wreck by the time we left. Also, my vision is worse.
The trip home continued the trend of awful. The rain was so fierce we had little visibility. Everything in front of us was gray. We both felt drained and a little broken by the whole thing. Everyone was driving slow and their lights kept destroying me because of the eye dilation.
When we got home, my roommate put in the order for our glasses. I opted to get the same frames I have now because I know they're comfortable and I am to the point in my life where I honestly don't care past that. I'm not sure if that is maturity or depression.
The appointment itself was also awful. My eyes were dilated and that always makes me nauseous. Plus, once they did that to me, they kept flashing more and more awful light into my eyes. I was a wreck by the time we left. Also, my vision is worse.
The trip home continued the trend of awful. The rain was so fierce we had little visibility. Everything in front of us was gray. We both felt drained and a little broken by the whole thing. Everyone was driving slow and their lights kept destroying me because of the eye dilation.
When we got home, my roommate put in the order for our glasses. I opted to get the same frames I have now because I know they're comfortable and I am to the point in my life where I honestly don't care past that. I'm not sure if that is maturity or depression.
Tuesday, February 20, 2018
FInally
I have posted about this before, I know. However, I think it needs to be repeated. Finally, FINALLY Sims 4 is putting out something that looks good.
Seriously, everything since Vampires has been so boring. Laundry? Working out? Playdates for toddlers? No one wants to do that crap in real life, why would they want to do it in Sims?
But THIS looks so good. This is the kind of thing I've been wanting for a long, long while. Also, you get a machete!
Seriously, everything since Vampires has been so boring. Laundry? Working out? Playdates for toddlers? No one wants to do that crap in real life, why would they want to do it in Sims?
But THIS looks so good. This is the kind of thing I've been wanting for a long, long while. Also, you get a machete!
Monday, February 19, 2018
Appointment
I'm getting my eyes examined tomorrow. I always hate this process. I'm convinced I'm not giving them the right information about what I'm seeing or not seeing and it will end up screwing up my eyes completely. I'm always worried my new glasses will make me sick. I worry I'll be told I have some horrible eye condition.
You know, all the normal stuff I bet everyone goes through.
I'll tell you how it goes tomorrow.
You know, all the normal stuff I bet everyone goes through.
I'll tell you how it goes tomorrow.
Sunday, February 18, 2018
Black Liner Run
I've been in a very nostalgic mood with my music lately. The thing is, usually, this means music from the '80s or 90s. Not this time. I've been listening to music from about 10-12 years ago, which, scarily enough, was about 2006-08. It's crazy that it's been so long since then, but in its own way, that was a really good time for music.
It started when I heard Death Cab's "Soul Meets Body" on the radio one morning. I got really excited about it, even though, in retrospect, it's totally the theme music in Quinton Coldwater's head. Since then, I've started relistening to VAST and She Wants Revenge.
SWR is such a great listen because some of the songs are so captured at that certain time. My title "Black Liner Run" is about people falling in love on AIM and not knowing if they can ever meet, the excitement and dread of that whole scenario.
That was a weird time for me. I was out of work, fighting for basic options, very screwed up because of my sleep apnea, like to the point where I would just fall asleep without any control over myself for hours on end. I don't even remember a lot of these years, other than being depressed and scared, living in a cold trailer and having this music to console and amuse me.
It's nice to revisit.
It started when I heard Death Cab's "Soul Meets Body" on the radio one morning. I got really excited about it, even though, in retrospect, it's totally the theme music in Quinton Coldwater's head. Since then, I've started relistening to VAST and She Wants Revenge.
SWR is such a great listen because some of the songs are so captured at that certain time. My title "Black Liner Run" is about people falling in love on AIM and not knowing if they can ever meet, the excitement and dread of that whole scenario.
That was a weird time for me. I was out of work, fighting for basic options, very screwed up because of my sleep apnea, like to the point where I would just fall asleep without any control over myself for hours on end. I don't even remember a lot of these years, other than being depressed and scared, living in a cold trailer and having this music to console and amuse me.
It's nice to revisit.
Saturday, February 17, 2018
The Bathroom Lurker
When I was a Freshman in high school, a song was made up about how fat I was. They tried to make me sing it on a band trip. I was warned about this ahead of time and didn't go. In fact, I let the situation convince me that my mom was right and I should transfer to another school.
When I got to that other school, they made up a different song about how fat I was.
My home life was terrible. Mom was married to one of her more awful husbands. I was old enough to stand up for myself but not mature enough to gauge when to do so. She had isolated me from my grandparents, my friends from the first school, from her. I had never felt so completely alone.
At this new school, I would walk straight from the bus to the bathroom and hide in a stall to avoid people. I would go straight from my classes to the bathroom and hide in a stall at lunch. No matter how hungry I was, I could not face that lunchroom full of people. The bus came so early I wouldn't have time to eat before I left so it was usually five or so in the evening before I ate my first meal of the day.
The bus rides were the worst. I was insulted. Sexually harassed. Threatened. I would just close my eyes and be elsewhere in my mind. One guy got really bad about the sexual stuff and I reported him. After he was disciplined (what little there was of that), he threatened to rape me. I said something in bravado like "bring it" though I'm sure it wasn't that exact wording at the time. I knew he wouldn't do anything.
And yet, despite all this, I never even considered bringing a gun to the school and shooting people. I mean, even after I'd been in situations myself where I HAD been shot at, I didn't even entertain the idea of that being an option to handle my problems.
Instead, I found some other outcasts and befriended them. They became my little tribe at the new school. I took up smoking and listened endlessly to my new friend's stories about fucking her boyfriend. We would listen to Salt&Peppa and talk smack about the popular kids. I stopped hiding. I would hang with her, her boyfriend, and some other outcasts and we'd say shocking things to keep the little bastards away from us.
In the matter of a few weeks, I scraped myself up from the floor and remembered to own my own weirdness. By that point, I knew I could go back to my old high school and be fine.
Is there a point to this? Oh yes. I read some jackass article about how everyone should befriend the loner kids so they won't go shoot up the schools. Maybe the author meant well, but it came off as this blame game thing "oh it's your fault that everyone is being killed because you won't be nice to that weird guy." It pissed me off because the author made some comments about how the people reading this had great support systems.
That isn't always the case. Some of us, many of us, have been in some dire situations where we had to hide and starve and cry and face all manner of hell just to get through the day. We didn't shoot up schools. We didn't sit around WAITING for someone to be nice to us. We did the social work of finding people who would accept us and befriending them.
Yes, it sucks when you're in the bad social position. You have to be the one to get you out of it though. Even though it seems like friendship and companionship and social acceptance come easy to some people, everyone has to work for it. It's a problem to be solved and it can't be solved with violence. That just makes people dislike you moe.
When I got to that other school, they made up a different song about how fat I was.
My home life was terrible. Mom was married to one of her more awful husbands. I was old enough to stand up for myself but not mature enough to gauge when to do so. She had isolated me from my grandparents, my friends from the first school, from her. I had never felt so completely alone.
At this new school, I would walk straight from the bus to the bathroom and hide in a stall to avoid people. I would go straight from my classes to the bathroom and hide in a stall at lunch. No matter how hungry I was, I could not face that lunchroom full of people. The bus came so early I wouldn't have time to eat before I left so it was usually five or so in the evening before I ate my first meal of the day.
The bus rides were the worst. I was insulted. Sexually harassed. Threatened. I would just close my eyes and be elsewhere in my mind. One guy got really bad about the sexual stuff and I reported him. After he was disciplined (what little there was of that), he threatened to rape me. I said something in bravado like "bring it" though I'm sure it wasn't that exact wording at the time. I knew he wouldn't do anything.
And yet, despite all this, I never even considered bringing a gun to the school and shooting people. I mean, even after I'd been in situations myself where I HAD been shot at, I didn't even entertain the idea of that being an option to handle my problems.
Instead, I found some other outcasts and befriended them. They became my little tribe at the new school. I took up smoking and listened endlessly to my new friend's stories about fucking her boyfriend. We would listen to Salt&Peppa and talk smack about the popular kids. I stopped hiding. I would hang with her, her boyfriend, and some other outcasts and we'd say shocking things to keep the little bastards away from us.
In the matter of a few weeks, I scraped myself up from the floor and remembered to own my own weirdness. By that point, I knew I could go back to my old high school and be fine.
Is there a point to this? Oh yes. I read some jackass article about how everyone should befriend the loner kids so they won't go shoot up the schools. Maybe the author meant well, but it came off as this blame game thing "oh it's your fault that everyone is being killed because you won't be nice to that weird guy." It pissed me off because the author made some comments about how the people reading this had great support systems.
That isn't always the case. Some of us, many of us, have been in some dire situations where we had to hide and starve and cry and face all manner of hell just to get through the day. We didn't shoot up schools. We didn't sit around WAITING for someone to be nice to us. We did the social work of finding people who would accept us and befriending them.
Yes, it sucks when you're in the bad social position. You have to be the one to get you out of it though. Even though it seems like friendship and companionship and social acceptance come easy to some people, everyone has to work for it. It's a problem to be solved and it can't be solved with violence. That just makes people dislike you moe.
Friday, February 16, 2018
Quick Post
Our time of warmth was brief. It's cold again and threatening to be rainy all week. This is annoying because both my roommate and I have a lot of stuff to do this week. Bah. I have a feeling that is going to cause problems the whole time.
I think I'm going to stay off FB outside of private messages and my games. Things are very political and shitty there right now. This is also very annoying.
I hope everyone has a good weekend.
I think I'm going to stay off FB outside of private messages and my games. Things are very political and shitty there right now. This is also very annoying.
I hope everyone has a good weekend.
Thursday, February 15, 2018
Hot
It was in the 70s today and just warm enough last night to where I should have turned on a fan. It set my teeth on edge just a little because it means we'll soon start edging into Spring which means we will eventually edge into the dreaded season of summer.
The thing is, I think I dealt with some aspects of cold this year that basically helped me to accept the idea of summer. My chilblains were so bad that I'm still recovering from them. And honestly, this is the first time in weeks that the top portion of my toes hasn't been some rather disturbing color of purple.
With that in mind.....maybe I can be grateful about the warmer weather.
The thing is, I think I dealt with some aspects of cold this year that basically helped me to accept the idea of summer. My chilblains were so bad that I'm still recovering from them. And honestly, this is the first time in weeks that the top portion of my toes hasn't been some rather disturbing color of purple.
With that in mind.....maybe I can be grateful about the warmer weather.
Wednesday, February 14, 2018
Drained
Basically everyone I know, including me, is really exhausted right now. It's like the usual allotment of spoons we have has been cut in half. People are just dragging around and dreading any kind of activities, even ones they used to enjoy.
Today I had to take out trash and then shower because I have to be gone early in the morning. Right now, I feel like I've been beaten by the tired stick. These are no more activities than I usually do on Wednesday, but I feel just drained of all life right now.
I don't know if it's the weather or the political climate or something else, but I really hope this ends soon. We could do with some more energy.
Today I had to take out trash and then shower because I have to be gone early in the morning. Right now, I feel like I've been beaten by the tired stick. These are no more activities than I usually do on Wednesday, but I feel just drained of all life right now.
I don't know if it's the weather or the political climate or something else, but I really hope this ends soon. We could do with some more energy.
Tuesday, February 13, 2018
Finally
Sims4 has been putting out boring stuff for a while now. Laundry? Work out equipment? Pets? Bah! I didn't want any of that! Though of all of it? Honestly, seriously? LAUNDRY?
Anyway, finally, they are putting out something that not only looks fun, but is also something I've been wanting since Sims3 World Adventures. This game pack is going to be about exploring the jungle. It's our second vacation pack since the camping one. We'll be getting back traps and temple exploration. I'm so excited about this! Sims is best when there are puzzles to solve.
Anyway, finally, they are putting out something that not only looks fun, but is also something I've been wanting since Sims3 World Adventures. This game pack is going to be about exploring the jungle. It's our second vacation pack since the camping one. We'll be getting back traps and temple exploration. I'm so excited about this! Sims is best when there are puzzles to solve.
Sunday, February 11, 2018
Nails
If you read the blog (we'll assume you do), then you know I have an ongoing battle with painting my nails. I've always liked to have my nails done, but I've never been good at it. They always end up looking awful. In fact, a while back I let a 3 yr old paint my nails and they honestly didn't look that much worse than what I usually do.
Because of this, I've never really kept much nail polish around. However, at Christmas, I requested polish. My stepmother not only got me colors, but also a kit that contained base coats, good for your nail coats, and top coats. I'd never really messed with these and you know what? That was honestly half the problem.
My polish was usually off by the next day, peeling and chipping away in the most awful manner. But right now, it's been since Wednesday and my polish is still mostly in place. I have a couple of chips, but for the most part, it's all still here.
So really, one of the reasons I've been bad at this all my life is because I never bothered to really sit down and learn the proper steps to make it work. Now that I'm doing those, I can already see a difference. Who knows, with some practice, my nails may look great in a year or two.
Because of this, I've never really kept much nail polish around. However, at Christmas, I requested polish. My stepmother not only got me colors, but also a kit that contained base coats, good for your nail coats, and top coats. I'd never really messed with these and you know what? That was honestly half the problem.
My polish was usually off by the next day, peeling and chipping away in the most awful manner. But right now, it's been since Wednesday and my polish is still mostly in place. I have a couple of chips, but for the most part, it's all still here.
So really, one of the reasons I've been bad at this all my life is because I never bothered to really sit down and learn the proper steps to make it work. Now that I'm doing those, I can already see a difference. Who knows, with some practice, my nails may look great in a year or two.
Saturday, February 10, 2018
Stairway To . . .
I actually had a really good week of television. Riverdale is just its usual batshit crazy self. Drag Race All-Stars made me laugh out loud so many times. Magicians explored what it means to live a beautiful life and did so in a very cool way.
Best of all, Channel Zero started back up. I had some hesitation about watching this season, as I didn't exactly like the way last season ended. My best friend dvred it and told me to watch the season opener and see what I thought. I did and I'm already hooked. The season is based in a city that is falling into the trappings of urban decay, which is a horror setting I always love. And and AND they are dealing with one of my favorite bits of creepypasta.....stairways that appear out of nowhere!
Anyway, I'll see how it goes. So far, I'm quite pleased.
Best of all, Channel Zero started back up. I had some hesitation about watching this season, as I didn't exactly like the way last season ended. My best friend dvred it and told me to watch the season opener and see what I thought. I did and I'm already hooked. The season is based in a city that is falling into the trappings of urban decay, which is a horror setting I always love. And and AND they are dealing with one of my favorite bits of creepypasta.....stairways that appear out of nowhere!
Anyway, I'll see how it goes. So far, I'm quite pleased.
Friday, February 9, 2018
Switch Discoveries
I continue to notice a lot of differences now that I'm presenting as a male on my game. I knew there would be some differences, just based on the fact that I'd had so many issues with people while playing as a girl. Most of those had to do with people bothering me in a romantic way, and as well all know, I am a conscientious objector to such matters. As the game has progressed, I've noticed a lot more stuff.
- It is easier for me to function in multi-server situations. I can get the assistance I need just by asking. No one tells me no or tries to blow me off.
- I am always thanked for my help. Always. That certainly didn't happen before.
- I am given a fun level of comradery with the opposing side on my server and always told we had a good battle.
- I can speak in commands "Go do this." "Change that." and no one complains I'm being bossy. They realize I'm making suggestions and helping them.
Now, here's the thing, in my real actual life, I am very much used to having all of these things happen. Anyone who actually knows me and plays games with me will do so in an entertaining way, that I'll do my best to be good at my character, that I'll offer help to others. But online, without seeing me, without hearing my voice and my tone, I find that people get an idea of someone different. In a weird way, the actual me is being accepted with this male persona far more than it was with a girl one. That has very little to do with me and more to do with how people think about women.
Tuesday, February 6, 2018
Cat Update
Millie has finally stopped freaking out for half an hour when we come home. Before she would run around excitedly like she didn't expect us to return. Given that she was abandoned, this is understandable. The fact that she's not doing it suggests to me that she's gotten the idea that we will always come back home to her. That makes me happy. I want the kitties to be secure.
Tinkerbell, on the other hand, is used to nothing. She still hates Millie and hisses, growls, and screams at her any time the other cat comes near. It's sad because Millie LIKES other cats and wants to hang with Tink. In fact, at the moment, she's staring longing at her. Tink isn't looking in her direction and when she does, she still gets into Positions of Protest and stays there until the younger cat is out of her sight.
Camilla used to spend her evenings in my room in my basket of clothes. She was close enough to hear us talk and to look at my roommate, but she wasn't in the room with us. Now she usually hangs out on the floor at his feet or in the recliner near me. She's being part of the household group as a member of it.
Tinkerbell, on the other hand, is used to nothing. She still hates Millie and hisses, growls, and screams at her any time the other cat comes near. It's sad because Millie LIKES other cats and wants to hang with Tink. In fact, at the moment, she's staring longing at her. Tink isn't looking in her direction and when she does, she still gets into Positions of Protest and stays there until the younger cat is out of her sight.
Camilla used to spend her evenings in my room in my basket of clothes. She was close enough to hear us talk and to look at my roommate, but she wasn't in the room with us. Now she usually hangs out on the floor at his feet or in the recliner near me. She's being part of the household group as a member of it.
Monday, February 5, 2018
Dodging the Jerkface
Tonight someone in the multiserver asked me to let them do some kills on my character. I was fine with this because I like this person. While we were going about our business, one of the major assholes in the game showed up and started killing her character.
There is a 20 second breath time after you get killed where you can't get attacked again. This 20 seconds became a chase between me and Asshole about who could get to her first. If I did, she could kill me and get her points. If he did, he got the points. I was dodging that jerk like no one's business.
Either because I had a smaller mount and could see better, or just because I'm a plucky old lady when using mouse-foo, I was able to dodge him and let her get to me first. He killed her right after, but he didn't stop what we were trying to accomplish. I'm pretty sure said asshole is the guy who is on my server causing all the problems. Hopefully he'll get bored with us soon and go away.
There is a 20 second breath time after you get killed where you can't get attacked again. This 20 seconds became a chase between me and Asshole about who could get to her first. If I did, she could kill me and get her points. If he did, he got the points. I was dodging that jerk like no one's business.
Either because I had a smaller mount and could see better, or just because I'm a plucky old lady when using mouse-foo, I was able to dodge him and let her get to me first. He killed her right after, but he didn't stop what we were trying to accomplish. I'm pretty sure said asshole is the guy who is on my server causing all the problems. Hopefully he'll get bored with us soon and go away.
Sunday, February 4, 2018
February Sunday
My roommate and I completely forgot to run an errand yesterday so we ran it this morning. Everything went well, but the weather is grim and gray. It's honestly depressing and by the time we got home, we were both kind of down. In this way, I'm happy Millie is with us right now. She's very much a burst of energy and humor. It's nice to have that.
Overall, the day was quiet. I'm happy about that. I paid about as much attention to the sports as I ever do to the sports. It just isn't part of who I am. My game went well, even though we do have some really, really annoying people on the server now. I can stay out of it, mostly, because I'm not top dog. The new idiot on the block keeps trying to have a pissing contest with my Guild leader. He isn't happy about it.
Overall, the day was quiet. I'm happy about that. I paid about as much attention to the sports as I ever do to the sports. It just isn't part of who I am. My game went well, even though we do have some really, really annoying people on the server now. I can stay out of it, mostly, because I'm not top dog. The new idiot on the block keeps trying to have a pissing contest with my Guild leader. He isn't happy about it.
Saturday, February 3, 2018
The Indoctrination of Pleasing
I've not really talked much about the #metoo movement or anything doing with all of the things coming out of it. I've not shared my own experiences on Facebook or whatever because I don't feel the need to do so. I've felt a lot of anger about this, especially because so many people seem so willing to blame victims, make it about us versus them, and backseat drive about situations they have never been in.
This article, however, really seemed to hit the nail on the head about the whole situation. While the author does discuss it in a male/female perspective, I believe she's doing so in response to someone else who did. It isn't just about men and women. This is about a society that pits the pleasure of certain people over not just the pleasure of others, but over the comfort of others. It needs to stop.
As one of my favorite drag queens recently said, sex is really no more than a getting a good meal. Is it really worth harming someone else just to be fed?
This article, however, really seemed to hit the nail on the head about the whole situation. While the author does discuss it in a male/female perspective, I believe she's doing so in response to someone else who did. It isn't just about men and women. This is about a society that pits the pleasure of certain people over not just the pleasure of others, but over the comfort of others. It needs to stop.
As one of my favorite drag queens recently said, sex is really no more than a getting a good meal. Is it really worth harming someone else just to be fed?
Friday, February 2, 2018
Cold Again
The weather warmed up for a few days but now it's cooling down again. No one in my home is happy about this. All of us spent the evening kind of looking tired and out of it. My roommate and I had to go out twice today and then he had to chase down a neighbor's dog that had gotten out of its yard. By the time evening rolled around, we just kind of sat around quietly. The cats weren't much better.
I'm grateful my roommate still had the energy during the day to play with Camilla. It's cute to watch and I certainly don't feel up to letting her chase me around the house. They seem to have fun with it though. I think she's beginning to see him as the moon and stars.
I'm grateful my roommate still had the energy during the day to play with Camilla. It's cute to watch and I certainly don't feel up to letting her chase me around the house. They seem to have fun with it though. I think she's beginning to see him as the moon and stars.
Thursday, February 1, 2018
The Kitten
Camilla is almost two years old . . . we think. She is, however, still very much a kitten. She has way more energy than any cat we've dealt with in years. In fact, even as I write this, she's banging on something in the kitchen. It's super annoying.
Today she jumped on top of one of the doors and tried to balance. She also likes to get on top of the . . . well, honestly, she likes to get as high as she can, as often as she can. This is also super annoying.
The main focus of her interest is Tinkerbell. She LOVES Tink. Tink hates her. Mind you, Tink hates most things, but she really, really hates the kitten. She growls in protest at that kitten like I've never seen her growl at anything. I believe she invented new noises to use when she makes her opinion known about Camilla's existence.
Yet, despite all this, I believe all three of us, yes, even including Tinkerbell, are happier that she is with us.
Today she jumped on top of one of the doors and tried to balance. She also likes to get on top of the . . . well, honestly, she likes to get as high as she can, as often as she can. This is also super annoying.
The main focus of her interest is Tinkerbell. She LOVES Tink. Tink hates her. Mind you, Tink hates most things, but she really, really hates the kitten. She growls in protest at that kitten like I've never seen her growl at anything. I believe she invented new noises to use when she makes her opinion known about Camilla's existence.
Yet, despite all this, I believe all three of us, yes, even including Tinkerbell, are happier that she is with us.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)