Pollen

We needed to drive the van so we decided to take a trip into town. When my roommate pulled it out of the carport, the normally blue van was some icky color of yellow. We needed to get gas and while the pump was running, he cleaned the windows. Pollen would come off the windows in sheets. It was pretty nasty.

I'm feeling the effect of it now. My eyes are raw and blurry. My nose is deeply unhappy. My sinuses are swelling more. Meh.

Bad Sleep

Why didn't I write a blog post last night? Who knows. Honestly, I intended to, it just never happened. I'm sure it's because my sleep has been really awful for the last week or so and I'm just kind of drifting around. It isn't as bad as it used to be when I didn't have a CPAP, but it also isn't great.

The weather and humidity fluctuate so much at night that I have to wake up several times to adjust things. Turn on a fan. Turn off the fan. Adjust my setting on my machine and then do it again two hours later. It's exhausting. I really need some nights where things just stay consistent. That would make such a difference.

House Geekery

This was a neat architecture day for me. One of my cousins is building a house. She sent me her house plans and discussed the way she'd be changing it. It was so much fun. I know they say building a house is the most stressful thing many people will do, but I just love the idea of it. Seriously, seriously love the idea of it.

I was really tired when I talked to her, but getting to look at house plans melted all the tiredness away. After she ended the conversation, I stayed on the house plan site and looked around for other plans I might find interesting. Saw quite a few. It was awesome.

Fail All Around

The blog has been lacking. I'm quite aware of this. Last night I didn't write anything because the internet went out. Thing is, the internet has been out a lot. Some nights it's out for hours at a time. Other nights, it's just little flash outages. Those aren't as annoying as the others, but they're still annoying. Last night, we had both.

I go to see my replacement therapist on Wednesday. In fact, it's honestly about the same time as I was seeing my last therapist. It's probably good that I'm going back. My mellow is beyond gone now. I'm depressed again, generally sad, kind of anxious, and in pain. All the positive plans I had have melted away. Now it's just back to the quagmire of fail. Sigh.

FB informed me that several of the people I'd snoozed could be looked at again. I looked at them, laughed a little, said NOPE, and snoozed them again. I don't need their fear and insane logic clogging my feed. Their ability to communicate is also a fail.

Anyway, I'll close this off before the internet dies again.

Spring Interupted

Spring was this season that was supposed to happen. It hasn't. Instead, we've had prolonged, lingering wet and cold. Winter blankets are still out. I'm still in houseshoes. This is crazy.

We're expecting more rain for the rest of the week. I can't think of anything that sounds less exciting than more rain. Blah.

Unconditional Cats

Tinkerbell continues to be very unhappy that Millie now lives with us. Sometimes she will look at my roommate and growl at him about the Millie Situation. Tonight she looked at Millie wandering around on the floor and bopped my roommate. She didn't hurt him, but her opinion was made clear.

Cats teach you a lot about unconditional love. I do not mean they love you unconditionally. Don't let's be silly. I mean that when you have a cat, you find that you love that cat despite the fact that it can be a selfish, spiteful, difficult jerk. You love it when it's being cute and you love it when it's on your last nerve. 

That doesn't mean you let the cat get away with murder. They still know they have limits and they often test them. Even when they do push their boundaries, I still love them. I may have to tell Millie to get down from the table 6 times a day, but I still adore her.

I love Tinkerbell too but I'm sure she's just as offended by that is she is by Millie living in the house.

Sad Realization

The mellow is gone. Even though I tried my best to cling to it, it's gone. The dark thoughts, the depression, the focus on the bad things as returned. Having tasted the sweetness of a contented mind, I'm really hating this.

Maybe it will pass. I'm trying really hard to argue with all the negative thoughts. The problem is, that is exhausting and distracting. It's a constant battle. I really enjoyed that mellow. I need it to come back.

In the Moment

I think one of the hardest things to do as a living being is to live in the moment. It's difficult to just focus on what is happening in the NOW and not worry about the future or dwell on the past. It's cliche to even say so, really, but it's true.

Our little cat Millie lives in the moment. She's always busy playing with something or running around. She spends time basking in the sun or wanting just the smallest acknowledgment. It's adorable and also sometimes annoying. I love her for it.

On Drag Race this week, Mayhem knew she was going home, but seemed so chill about it. She told the others that she'd spent so many years wanting to be on the show, but once she got there, she was just nervous and exhausted. Finally, on the week of this challenge, she'd started having fun and started really focusing on the moments of BEING on the show. It was okay that she left because she'd gotten so much out of it.

This is what we get. We get this lifetime. There are no rules as to how to live it. We didn't ask for it, but here we are, going through constant experiences and sensations. We might as well get as much out of them as we can.

Update of Me

I still don't feel great. I still don't feel that functional. I still wish the weather would settle into one season or the other.

My neighbors managed to NOT burn down their house. It's a little shocking. I seriously have no faith in those people.

I've still not heard from New Therapist about when we'll meet. I'm starting to lose a bit of my mellow and that makes me sad. Hopefully, I can get it back.

Unpleasant 24

I didn't post last night because the internet went out. I almost didn't post tonight because I'm sick. It hasn't been the most fun 24 hours of my life.

Also, the neighbors have a fire going. I don't think these people have ever started a fire where I didn't quite seriously wonder if it was going to burn their house down.

Anyway, that's all I have in me for a post.

Busy Monday

We went to town today so my roommate could pay a bill. We also looked through some shops but didn't find anything we needed. After that, we picked up pizza and came home. It was nice, mostly because it was the first time I've been to town in a while where it wasn't raining on the way back.

Even though school is back in session, the educators aren't giving up. My sister-in-law posted this on her FB. It's a blog post about the aftermath of the Oklahoma teacher's strike.

Possibly Less Cold

The forecast for the next ten days is showing some rain and a lot of weather in the 70s. I guess that's better than it getting really stupid hot. I'm certainly not ready for that yet. My allergies were horrible today and I'm sure they won't get better over the next several days. Bah.

Talked to my former therapist for a while. We're mostly just discussing movies now. She asks me how I am but I'm kind of vague. I don't want her to fall into the pattern of being my unpaid therapist. That wouldn't be fair to her.

It's Here

Uh. It happened. I am now leader again. It was the main thing I didn't want, and yet it happened. Sigh. We'll see how it goes. At least I'm doing this from a different perspective this time. That helps a lot.

The person who was leader decided he was going to leave the game completely. It wasn't because of our guild. He had issues going on with other people in another part of the game and most of it exploded today. As a parting gift, he bought me a small vip with what he said was the last gold he had left in the game. It was nice, but it was also sad.

Anyway, the drama he was a part of exploded into the common lands. People were throwing fits and grandstanding. It was ugly and stupid. I hope it settles down soon.

And Some Whenever They Go

There has been some drama in my game recently. One charm-impaired person was kicked out of another group and caused a scene in our common chat. He also had a persona in our group, that chimed in to defend the one causing problems. Soon he was fighting with everyone who was inclined to fight. I just ignored it and worked on my game. I'm not interested in other people's drama.

Unfortunately, I have some authority now, so another dramaphile informed me that if he did not get his way (other dude got kicked), then he would be leaving. I was really super more than okay with this because this one is just as obnoxious as the other one. So when he quit, I told him it was nice playing with him and went on with my day. When I talked to the other sensible person in the group, we both predicted this one would be back soon. It was less than two days.

He went to our guild leader and said he would return if the following conditions were met. The first was that Crazyhouse #1 was removed. This has since happened and Crazythehousedown is screaming revenge on us all. His second condition was that I am made the leader, as I am on more often than the current leader.

Honestly, I don't want any of this. I don't want Dramadude back. I really don't want to have to listen to Crazypants screaming in chat about his revenge. I most certainly do not want to be leader. I couldn't prevent the first two but I am going to do all I can to prevent the last.

Kitty Update Again

Millie was a lot better today. She did some running around and seemed more interested in things. My roommate thinks maybe she just had a cold or a bad reaction to something. Whatever the case, it's good to see her on the mend.

My throat is scratchy and my eyes won't settle down. It's going to be this way until the pollen calms down. Given that, I'm really not shocked the cats don't feel well. Spring, man.

Kitty Update

Millie was more lively today. She wasn't at her 100% "Run Around and Drive Us Crazy" but she moved around more and actually looked for attention. This is good.

I realize I have a level of PTSD about sick kitties. Just because a kitty is a recent addition to your home does not mean she will be there for a long time. Alice taught us that lesson. When you bring a cat in off the streets, you have to accept that she may only be with you for a short time.

It's best to savor the better moments.

The Gift of Love

Yesterday the grass was mowed and none of us took it well. Milliecat wasn't feeling well anyway and just seemed drained after the mowing. I don't know if there was some smell she didn't like or if her time having to be an outdoor kitty and abandoned was making her feel bad. I could hear her crying some in the night. It breaks my heart.

I love that cat. I love Tink too, even though she still dislikes me. Love is something I think about a lot these days. I think about the love people had for me as a child. Before, when I was more depressed and my thoughts were more toxic, I would focus on the people who didn't love me. These days, that doesn't even matter. Why waste my energy on that instead of being grateful for the love I did receive? It's something I hope to give to the kids that I now adore.

I saw my best friend's daughter today. She wanted me to sing to her and it's funny how I always find myself singing songs to her that my grandmother sang to me. It's this continual spread of song, of love, from one generation to the next. I feel that I honor my grandmother by singing to this kid. It makes me deeply happy.

Wallpaper

Watched a DIY video about the new wallpaper that is peel and place. It looks neat and the work they did with it was great. It kind of looked like shiplap. I have questions about it though. How well will it hold up in temperature changes? In houses where they keep the temp pretty even, this isn't a problem. But if you have a range from 30 degrees to 100, is it going to stay on the walls?

I also have trepidation about any kind of 'quick fix' when it comes to home decor. I think anyone who has these accursed carpet tiles would. Man, I hate those things.

Wet Sunday

My roommate's post was titled Spring has Broken and I think he's right. This spring has mostly consisted of cold, wet, and dreary. Forcast for the next ten days is still cold, wet, and dreary. Looks like we're going straight from this into eventual hot weather.

April is always a weird month though. One year, we moved in April and it rained every day except for one. That was also rather miserable. Anyway, I guess this week I find out when I'll be meeting with the new therapist. That's all still really strange. It's giving me weird dreams.

Processing

My roommate asked me this morning how I felt about the whole therapist thing and I honestly didn't know how I felt. I didn't know what TO feel. It's strange. This was a significant relationship in my life, albeit, a professional one. It's more than that though. Therapists know so much about you. I don't even remember how to re-establish that kind of thing. This isn't going to be easy.

On a positive note, two people brought new music to me today. I loved both and am very grateful to have been introduced to them. I love it when people share new music with me. It really brought me back to my good spot.

End of an Era

I've been in such a good place for a while now, but today was not easy. I found out my therapist of over ten years is leaving the profession. This is hard for me. This person has been with me through deaths of my grandmother and mother, through the move, through cancer, through pain and surgeries. This person has heard all the dark, scary details of how all of that affected me. Now I'm losing that connection and it's really strange.

I'm not even sure how to talk about this yet. It may take a while.

Early Days

The week is halfway over. The strike continues. Today my sister-in-law and the kids were protesting today in town. They were with a lot of other teachers. Businesses from around town brought them water and food. Everyone seems strong, but it's early days.

I watched Suffragette. After seeing the violence and anger directed toward women who try to stand up for themselves, I know things can get uncivilized very quickly. I hope it doesn't come to that.

Still Striking

Looks like the teachers' strike is going to continue. One of the Broken Arrow reps decided to throw a fit on his phone about how he would never ever vote for teachers again after seeing how they are behaving. Clearly, he's not happy with the idea of people not being grateful for the pennies his tosses in their direction.

My sister-in-law was at the Capitol today, holding signs and showing solidarity with the other educators. I'm proud of her. I'm proud she shows her kids that they need to stand up for what they believe in, even if it does make other people angry.

Some schools have called for no classes for the rest of the week. It's a little shocking this is happening, but I'm glad it is. My state needs to make a lot of changes and this is a good place to start.

Strength of the Pack

As the creeper that girdles the tree trunk, the law runneth forward and back;
For the strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack. -Kipling.

Basically every teacher in Oklahoma is on strike right now. They're not paid enough, the schools aren't funded, nothing is being repaired or replaced at any decent rate. They now stand in opposition to the legislature, GOP-heavy, who refuse to even consider doing the one thing they really NEED to do to fix our state. They need to raise taxes.

The 'leaders' are digging in their heels because they believe their party's philosophy that if they keep taxes low, they will attract businesses and jobs.This may work in some states, but it has not worked in Oklahoma. Businesses do not want to come here because the state has been so drained that it sucks. The roads are bad. The educational system is bad. Healthcare is bad.

They are missing the fundamental idea that the state IS the people. If they people have nothing, then the state has nothing. If the people are uneducated, sick, dying, homeless, hopeless, addicted, and lost, then this is what the state will be. If the people are poor, then this is what the state will be.

True leaders are able to admit they are wrong. True leaders are able to see problems and begin to look for solutions. True leaders work WITH their people, not in opposition to them. We need true leaders running this state.

April Showers

April has arrived and with it, there is rain and a return of the cold. We thought lawnmowing would start this week, but that will be put off until the ground is dry again. One of my friends from the East Coast is expecting more snow this week. It's possible I'll be scraping ice off the windows if I go out early. Spring is always such a weird and unpredictable season.

All the cats and humans in my house are rather unhappy about this cold shift. The cats were starting to get their summer fur. This is really interesting for Camilla because she actually changes color. In the winter, she's far darker but the dark fur is what she's shedding at the moment. This is unexpected and adorable.