The Album: Peepshow Siouxsie and the Banshees
The Story: I saw an album cover, picked up the cassette and knew, even without hearing it, it was meant for me.
I took it home, opened it up. They'd perfumed the inside and it smelled like mysteries and darkness. Soon I was on the phone with Nathan and we listened to it. Again, the world shifted.
I started buying up the Banshee back catalog and loving it. This band deepened my moxie and helped to shape me into who I would be not only in my teens but for the rest of my life. It also added a lot of attention to my eyeliner.
Peepshow is an album about seduction and fear. Some of the songs are hot as hell, others as cold as the tingling chills that run over your spine when you know things are NOT RIGHT. The hot and cold blend together, moving back and forth. At one point you're at the bottom of a well. At another, you're with a pyromaniac as he burns down everything. The sway from one to the other is hypnotic.
Fun side fact: One time I had this list of videos you could order from various goth/punk bands. My grandmother thought all the names sounded like porn titles and threw it away!! No, Gran, Alien Sex Fiend is a BAND, not a movie. Actually, it's probably a movie too.
Thank you to: My intuition
The Lesson Learned: One of the vexing things about life is that sometimes you have faith in yourself and sometimes you don't. I trusted myself enough to buy this album on a whim but didn't trust my instincts when it came to high school.
My Freshman year was hard. It was a new situation and I let myself lose control of my narrative. I fell into that all too typical trap of feeling like I wasn't good enough. They made a song up about me and my fatness. I heard through the various channels that I was going to be forced to sing this song on a band trip.
I retreated. I didn't go on the trip and let my mother talk me into changing schools so she and her new husband could have more influence on how things went than my grandparents did. To say the least, this was a mistake.
I wish I would have gone on the trip. I wish I would have sung the song, jiggled and danced, made a massive production out of it, and looked the cruel little beasties in the eyes as I did it. I wish I would have owned the moment, owned what they saw, and showed them even more, been, as RuPaul once sang, 'Mother of the House of No Shame.'
Life gets a lot easier when you face up to the things that people deem as unacceptable. I was fat. I was poor. I was weird. These were facts, but they end as facts. The idea that I should be ashamed of these facts, well, that is an opinion. I don't HAVE to feel one way or the other about those things.* Beyond that, those facts are just a very small portion of the facts about who I am. If those facts were all they were willing to see, that really wasn't my concern.
I just didn't know that at the time.
Oh. It didn't help that at the high school I'd moved to, they ALSO made up a song about me being fat. That felt so horrible at the moment, now I just smirk about what a great muse I am.
* This only counts for things that aren't hurting others. If you beat other people, if you rape them, if you harm them just for your own pleasure then yes, you should feel shame. You should also stop this. Keep your opinions, hands, and genitals to yourself. Stay completely away from people (or animals or whatever you harm). There is no excuse for being abusive.
No comments:
Post a Comment