The Album: Violator Depeche Mode
The Story: I was in Hastings at Central Mall, the sad one in the middle, not the fancy one at the edge of the mall that would come in a few years later. I knew of Depeche Mode, but I'd never owned one of their albums. When I saw the cover of Violator, I just had to have it.
By the way, if someone wants to get me a gift, I would LOVE to have that album cover in poster form.
Anyway, another perfect purchase for me. Violator opened up some doors in my mind that needed to be opened starting with the first song.
"World in my Eyes" is a wonderful way to start an album. It's an invitation to someone's playground. It hints at the fun they can give you, in various ways, but with a warning that there is a limit. You only get so much.
I found the whole album seductive, enchanting, and just the perfect level of jaded. I suspected a lot of these songs were about drugs, but having not been exposed to such things since I was a child, wasn't really sure. The album was clearly about pleasure and various aspects of pleasure, including following the decorum of not ruining the pleasure. "Policy of Truth" and "Enjoy the Silence" offered such unconventional but needed wisdom. Shut up. Don't tell me the truth. Don't kill the moment. Don't ruin this.
Seriously, about the silence thing. Watch people. If they seem to be enjoying your conversation, they'll let you know. Otherwise, they'll like you a lot more if you're quiet. Trust me.
I found that bit of wisdom to be very appealing. As someone who has always been a trickster at heart, the idea of constant honesty strikes me as rather boring. It's like, in early elementary school, every time I would weave some game for the other children, there would always be this one Literalist kid who would try to destroy it. I'd have us all pretending to be monsters and that kid would be standing there, snide and confused, whining in protest "But you're not REALLLLLY monsters." Then they would usually tell on me. Sigh.
Look, YES, there are things you should be honest about where pleasure is concerned. Get consent for all the things. Tell people what you do and do not want. Don't let people harm you (unless you're into that), but in the midst of things, if other people are doing things that are not affecting you, don't suddenly start with all the talking and mehmeh and 'you know you're not REALLY monsters.' If you can't refrain from this, go be elsewhere.
Soapbox over. The power of this band rests in their ability to blend Martin Gore's musical genius with Dave Gahan's vocals. It mixes to create this mesmerizing atmosphere. Depeche Mode could enfold you, bring you into this space where you just felt everything all at once. It was beautiful. Although not on this album, DM also wrote "Never Let me Down Again," which is one of the songs on the list of my personal life soundtrack.
I still love that red flower on that black background.
Thank you to: We were talking tonight about how amazing it was when Walmart and such places still had huge collections of music, with odd offerings that one might not expect. I realize Depeche Mode might not have seemed like a risky selection in many places, but in my neck of the woods, it kind of was.
This thank you goes out to all the people who do the ordering in shops like that and TAKE the risk to order the odd things. You have no idea what joy you have probably brought to others.
The Lesson Learned: I was kind of shallow and awful at this point. I was selfish and way into my own headspace. I didn't words or conflict or the truth because I just couldn't face any of that at the moment.
My mother, her husband, and my little brother had disappeared without a word to anyone. I didn't know where they were. I didn't know what was going on. I worried my mother and brother might be dead and the idea of that was horrifying.
I felt guilty. I thought if I'd just stayed with them, maybe I could have stopped this whole thing, whatever it was. As an adult, I know I couldn't have. I did what was best to protect myself. I wasn't responsible for anyone else in the situation and yet, I still felt guilty.
I couldn't wrap my head around all the possibilities of what could be going on. To keep me safe, my mind shut that off. I focused on what I could handle. I focused on what would keep me functioning. That part of my brain knew there was nothing I could do to fix this.
So the thing I learned was to assess situations, focus on what I could control, and let the rest of it do whatever it was going to do. I do my best (with varying degrees of success) to let go of the stuff beyond my control. This is honestly a time when disassociation is helpful.
When I had cancer, this basically kept me going. Usually, the only thing I had any control over was making sure I showed up to the appointments. I would allow myself to stress about that, but once I got there, I'd do my best to let go of all the negative energy, all the nervousness, and all of the fear. It didn't always work, but when it did, it was quite helpful.
Don't waste your energy on what you can't control. Don't run through all the scenarios of doom if there is nothing you can do to change them. Let them go. Be in the moment. Let your mind go quiet and enjoy the silence.
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