State of the Nation

I'm writing this early because this is fresh on my mind. I feel very saddened about the state of my nation. I feel like the walls are closing in. I feel like the tyrant is trying to take all the power he can away from the people. Worst of all, I believe certain people will let him do this, because they have such unwarranted and blind faith in him. I hope I'm wrong. I really hope I'm wrong.

When I was growing up, I thought by the time I was in my 40s, approaching my 50s, I would see a more open US, a freer US, a more embracing and tolerant US. Sadly, that is not the case.

Instead, we're less open, less tolerant, and possess a more narrow sense of freedom. People hate you just because you're you. People hate you because what they assume you to be. Say the wrong thing, show the wrong bit of empathy, and even the people on your side will turn against you.

This is not the way to sustain a nation. This is not the way to sustain anything.

Waiting Around to Die

May was a weird month. It went by faster than the last two months did, but mostly because people decided to increase the scary by adding protests and threats. Then violence. Then riots. It's been a rough month.

But I guess people want to do SOMETHING. A lot of people are finding constructive and productive things to do, but maybe some people just lack that ability? I dunno. It's just scary

The Change

The cat likes to sit on my computer desk and often hides my taskbar. I finally realized she is a CAT and won't see to reason. I am a human and I can change things. So I changed a thing.

I put my taskbar at the top of my screen. Now I can always see it, no matter what the cat is doing. And that problem is solved! Now, mind you, it does cause other issues. This is strange for me. I've never had the taskbar up before and I keep missing things. I'm sure I'll get used to it though. And it's better than complaining to a cat that doesn't speak my language why she's annoying me.

A Lot

I am so scratched up right now. The cat has managed to claw me (by clumsy accident) so many times in the last few days. It's super annoying.

It's been rainy and dark for days. It will probably remain that way until June. Past that, who knows?

There is a lot of stuff going on in the world right now. Racism, tragedy, defensive people, tyrants who don't want to be fact-checked......I'm overwhelmed by it. As I said, it's A LOT.

My heart goes out to those whoa re aching tonight.

Rain, Soap, Happiness

It's been raining on and off all day. It's not a horrible stormy level of rain, but it's enough to make my body ache. When I get too tense about it, I look over at my blanket and smile.

I'm glad that I like the blanket now. When I first finished it, I didn't like it. That's just part of my process, I suppose. I'm only now getting to where I can upload stuff without feeling cringy about it. Maybe I just have an adverse reaction to finishing things. Maybe this is just the brain weasels fighting as hard as they can to stay in control.

Speaking of things that make me happy, I watched a video today over someone making soap that looks like cupcakes. It is amazing work. I think the fact that people make such beautiful things out of soap is fascinating. And it's so satisfying when they cut into it.

Gravity

I went to bed earlier last night and doubled down about the whole matter with a nap this afternoon. Between both, I had enough energy to do some minor vacuuming around my area of the living room. Cat hair was abundant.

In the midst of this, a lot of stuff fell. Basically anything I picked up fell. There is a movie on the floor I still need to retrieve. The vacuum fell as I was trying to clean out the brush part of it. Then it fell again. I just.....sigh.

I think I would be less exhausted right now if gravity hadn't decided to play tricks against me. I mean, yes, I realize that wasn't a direct attack. It just feels like it was. At least the area is cleanerish.

Memorial Monday

Okay so today I was in a horrible mood. Seriously, just horrible. Horrible. Growly.

I think I need sleep and more sleep. That will happen now.

Overwhelmed

I tried to relax this weekend and just chill after finishing the blanket, but that didn't go so well. The cats stressed me out (mostly just one of them) and it seemed like a lot of things were demanding my attention.

By this time last night, I just needed to shut everything out and just watch tv. I couldn't even blog, honestly, because everything just felt TOO much. I need to manage my time better this week.

Stormy Friday

There were many storms today. The cat basically sat on me as much as she could. She hates storms. I'm happy I am a source of comfort to her.....most of the time.

Although it was muggy earlier, it's cooled down a lot. Sleeping will hopefully be easy tonight.

Quick Post

It's been a few days but I'm okay. In fact, I've been really busy. I finished my blanket! I finished the most complicated video I've done so far. So accomplishment stuff.

I'm going to take the weekend and wind down a little. I need to get back into my routine, which does include doing this blog at a certain time. If that doesn't happen tonight, it will be due to storms.

Yarn and Beauty

Yarn is a fascinating material. I was moving some balls of yarn from one container to another and thought about how beautiful all of that yarn is. I have plans for it. Maybe too many plans. It's all so lovely and I want to do so much with it. I always have to remind myself that looks can be deceiving when it comes to yarn. There are so many ways yarn can show beauty.

• Yarn can be beautiful on its own. A lovely color and texture to the yarn that makes it attractive as it just sits there. 
• Yarn can be beautiful when knitted. I had some ugly weird blue yarn someone gave me. I really disliked it. But when I knitted it, it showed the pattern of the knit so beautifully. It made me love that yarn.
• Yarn can reveal beauty when paired with other colors. Sometimes there are hidden depths to the color. I have some yarn in my current project that is not attractive on its own, but when paired with other colors, hues in the dyes come through and make the yarn lovely.
• Yarn can possess the beautiful quality of making other yarn more attractive. I think this is the neatest one. Sometimes yarn isn't all that remarkable to look at on its own, but it has this way of highlighting the beauty of other colors. It makes me really enjoy seeing what combinations I can put together to create that.

I'm near the end of my blanket. Things have been a little busy the last few days, so it will take me on into the week before I finish. I have really loved this project. It's kept me sane in a time of uncertainty and given me a lot to think about. Beauty is one of those things. 

New Homes

Because I was rather sick all weekend, I didn't put up my new clothes, my clean clothes, or some other stuff that has recently entered my life. I'm not upset about this. I knew I didn't feel like it. The trick was making sure I did it as soon as I felt better.

And you know what? I did! Today I folded and put away my clothes. I cleared out a container for my sound equipment. I did the things that needed to be done.

I am quite happy about this. I am not just letting stuff pile up around me and cause problems. The more things have homes in MY home, the better off we all are. So glad I did this. Hopefully, my brain is really altered on this subject.

Queasy Weekend

I was rather sick all weekend. It was the worst on Friday, but I've not been 100% since then. I'm better enough tonight to do some stuff. I kinda neglected my goals all weekend, but I honestly just didn't feel up to it.

The cat is grumpy. I don't think she feels well either.

Shorts

I had orders come in yesterday. One of the orders was clothes. Most of the time when I'm wearing shorts, they're shorts I made myself by cutting the lower half off of my tattered and starting to wear out pants. These cuts are always poorly done. My shorts are unsightly. I mean, not too short. They are modest, of course, but they're also jagged and crooked. Badly.

I've always kind of been apprehensive about buying shorts because I worried they would be too tight on my fat thighs. I was even worried about these. Luckily, that isn't the case. They have a nice relaxed fit on my legs and fit me comfortably all around.

Best of all, they are, of course, hemmed and even and suitable for company. And soft! They are so soft. I love them. I'm so happy about this.

Edge of Eeek

I have not worked one bit on my blanket today. I plan to when I finish this. I have to put up some clothes at some point in the next couple of hours. And for some reason, I am exhausted.

My sleep pattern has been weird. My mind won't settle until past three and then I'm tired all the next day. Even when I go to bed, I can't keep my thoughts calm. Not really stress, just....lots of loud thinking. No idea why. Perhaps anxiety over the world being on fire? I mean, could be.

I'm ashamed of myself. I blamed the cat for something last night when I have no idea if she was at fault or not. It was petty and stupid. I was frustrated and annoyed, but I should have controlled my emotions and been rational about the situation. She didn't deserve to be yelled at. Thankfully, she forgave me.

Peer Pressure

I have, more than once, quit games due to peer pressure. There is this problem with games where guildmembers will try to guilt you into getting VIP levels so the guild is stronger. They can get really awful about it. As a result, I no longer play games with guilds. I've just watched that happen too many times.

Right now in our time of crisis, there seems to be another level to this. Some people are escaping into their games and want their friends there too. They don't quite realize that this doesn't work for everyone. While some people find games relaxing, other people start to feel tense if they play for too long. The game starts to just be The Grind.

Recently a friend had to step away from her game because her friends were pressuring her to play all the time. It was eating away at her and when she tried to explain it to them, they attacked. She lost friends because she couldn't devote ALL of her time to them.

I have policies where games are concerned. I don't spend money on loot boxes. I don't play when I don't want to play. I quit when I get bored. I quit when it's no longer fun. Games are supposed to be a fun distraction. When the game stops being that, walk away. 

Becky with her Mask Off

You know who I'm sick of? I'm sick of all the smug people on Facebook who think they know so much better than everyone else about Covid. The ones who have to post screeds about how they won't wear masks or get vaccines or gloves or social distance because this whole thing is a hoax and everyone who thinks it isn't is stupid.

I mean, let's pretend for a minute it IS a hoax. Why would you feel the need to smugly talk about how much smarter you are than everyone else and how you won't obey? You think that's taking a stand? You think that's making you look impressive? It isn't.

When I was in college, there was this guy who ended up in a lot of humanities classes with me. He was a non-trad who talked in class. A LOT. He answered all the questions. He challenged the professors. He was always, always, ALWAYS wrong. He also made D's on most of the tests and got mad about it. He would then try to argue why he should have done better. THAT GUY is who all these smug non-maskers remind me of.

And, you know, if it's a hoax, and they're right, no harm done, other than my eyerolling.

However, if it isn't a hoax and they're wrong here, the D's they'll be getting are death. And that is the worst kind of D's.

Quiet Mother's Day

I actually got a lot done today on the blanket. The second side isn't finished, but it's close to being so. By tomorrow night, I should be on the third side.

Today was Mother's Day. I wished the mothers of the world a happy one on Facebook and did nothing else. I did think about my grandmother when I looked at the plants through the window. I thought about my mother as a put a headrag on over my hair. I miss them. I hope they have peace.

Weird Energy

I am on the second side of the last row of my blanket. It may actually be finished this month. That would be excellent. It helps a lot that May has been weirdly cold.

I've had a lot of strange levels of energy lately. I'm more or less having to force myself to go to bed and I'm waking up earlier than usual. Not a lot earlier, but, still, earlier. It's odd.

There is a lot of stuff I need to make happen in the house. So much needs to be cleaned and reorganized. I keep reminding myself that spending several hours a day to knit and thereby deal with yarn stash is PART of that process. This will take time. I just need to focus on the tasks at hand.

The Beauty of Flaws

When I was a little kid, my mom hung a quilt in the corner of my room. I didn't have a headboard and it served as one, in a way, as my bed was pushed up against the wall. The quilt reached the ceiling and I loved it.

A neighbor gave my mom the quilt after our house burned. The neighbor's mother pieced the quilt together during her last years of life while she was struggling with dementia. This reflected in the quilt. At the top, the pieces were perfect, a complex strategy of solid colors and patterns placement. In the lower blocks, this began to fall apart. Sometimes colors or patterns would meet in places they shouldn't. Sometimes the same colors would be next to each other.

As a little kid, I loved this quilt. I would study it. I would pick various pattern blocks as my favorite, only to change my mind the next day. I would study the placement, the repeating patterns, and wonder why some of them didn't quite work. It wasn't until I was older that I was told about the condition of the original artist while she was working on the quilt. This made me love the quilt more. I felt a connection to the humanity of it, to the woman who was still trying to create, no matter how difficult that became.

I don't know what happened to the quilt though I suspect it was destroyed when that house burned.

The quilt imprinted on me. Whenever I make my household an afghan or a knitted blanket that has a lot of colors involved, I always have places where I put the same color too close together or purposefully mess up a design here or there. It's my way of paying tribute to this quilt I loved as a child, and to the woman I never met who brought comfort to my life.

Disheartening

One of the difficult things about These Times is how disheartening it is to see some of the things people post on Facebook. A lot of these people are good people. A lot of them have their heart in the right place. And yet, they spread so much misinformation and lies. They believe things that are twisted and outright dangerous. It's sad and it's sick. It's one of the reasons I stay off of there most of the time now.

They seem so passionate about their ideas. And yet all their ideas are based on manipulations. These are manipulations they would even see through if they just thought about it. . . . if they just analyzed what they were reading. Sigh.

ZAR Part II

A security guard in Michigan was shot by some asshole who didn't want to wear a mask into a store. Yes. A person was shot because someone else didn't want to wear a mask.

This is the thing about times of crisis is that it really does reveal character.  Some people just do their best to endure the situation and mind their own business. Some people use this as a time to set order to their lives and tend to the things they've been neglecting. Some people thrive. They build new businesses and create art. And some people are just destructive assholes who scream, rant, live in fear, and make it worse for everyone else.

I don't think any of those paths are set. I think we as individuals have choices here. We can decide what character traits we will feed in these moments. You want some control over a situation? There you have it. Control yourself. Control YOUR actions. Control YOUR reactions. That's all the power you need. That is the freedom for which you are responsible.

Making Lemonade

I watch this Youtuber who is a style expert. I don't usually like her style, but I love her philosophy and general ideas. Actually, I think it's a good idea to watch people when you don't really like their style. When you see things they do that you actually respond to in a positive way, it informs you about what is really key to your own personal aesthetic.

Recently, she'd done some things with her business that I find really impressive. With lockdown going on, she can't exactly go over to people's houses and redecorate for them. This means a loss of funding and also a loss of content for her channel. She found a way around it, a very unique way. She started remotely giving style advice. People would film their rooms and ask her what to do about them. She would assess the room, show an inspiration board, and give them advice. This means she can still make content for the channel.

Then she took it a step further. She took on some clients who were willing to do the physical work of the redecorating and film the process. What she did was analyze their space, design a mood board, and give them a list of items to purchase (and the places these items are found). Now she has active clients AND content for her channel.

I'm so impressed with how well some people have been able to rally in the midst of this pandemic. This woman has found a way to keep working and keep helping people, even when she can't be there physically. Genius.

Mental Health in the Time of Corona

I won't speak to everyone's mental health, though I've read several things about how hard this is on people. Some people have compared our reaction to the pandemic to the grieving, and if that is the case, a lot of people seem to be in either denial or anger right now. I think a lot of other people are stuck in bargaining. Others are stuck in fear. Those who have reached the state of acceptance seem to have reached it in the most exhausted and nihilistic way possible.

I was telling someone tonight one of the parts of the zombie movie that they clearly gloss over is the moment when people reach a moment of clarity and despair when they just walk out into the streets and let the zombies take them. Exhaustion is a big part of this.

Hmm. It seems I am talking in general terms. I'll stop and get back to me. 

Okay, so MY mental health. As we all know, my mental health is never the greatest. Fortunately, I realized that a long time ago and have techniques and pills to help me with it. This situation is making things more extreme and sometimes my tactics aren't working. Nevertheless, she persists.

I am trying to keep with routines. I have some small goals I try to meet every day and I do my best to meet them. I am tending to my cat (no choice there as she makes me) and trying my best to stay connected. I am also trying to knowledge my emotions when they show up. I know I harp on that a lot, but it does help. I'm also trying to take a step back and breathe when things start to go sideways. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't.

I have had some very serious stress dreams. I have had some panic attacks. I have had some bouts of serious anger. I've never hit despair. I'm doing good as far as that is concerned. I'm not in the deep waters, at least not right now.

Anarchy by Other Means

Why do people always think that the best way to disrupt a system is by doing damage? Sure bombs and mass shootings can hurt a lot of people, but the impact is never as extreme as what the terrorists expect.

I think a far more longterm disruptive thing would be to create stuff that has a positive impact. Can you image how much you would change EVERYTHING if you found cures for major diseases and released them for free?

A lot of the money in US politics comes from rich people who control major swaths of companies, such as medical. Cure all the stuff, make those cures free, and suddenly you take out a lot of the control held by the people who are actually harmful.

By the same token, I don't get why drug cartels aren't taking their money and turning the Mexican border into a massive medical zone. Some of this is happening, but it could be far larger. If they started offering quality medical care and medicine at reasonable prices, they could change EVERYTHING.

Seriously. Kindness will always be the greatest form of anarchy.

MayDay 2020

I spent an hour and a half trying to record audio for a five minute video and only managed to halfass about a minute of it. It's still a minute more than I had though. I'll take it.

I'm in a good mood. The weather today was just beautiful. It was one of those days where I felt fantastic. I wish the weather would stay like this all summer.

Progress on the blanket continues. Progress on the video continues. Forward forward.