Stares in Annoyance

I could really complain A LOT about things here and often do. I'm trying not to because the situation is my own doing. I made some assumptions based on information I thought was correct. I was mistaken. I let myself get my hopes up about something when I shouldn't have. 

And really, I think I placed TOO much goodwill into this. I honestly thought one of the small but all too often occurring annoyances about my life would be over. It won't be.

And that isn't any easier as another annoyance is happening as I type this. My fingers are sticky against the keys because it's so humid in here. 

The problem is, I let myself get into a situation where a factor of my life is technically someone else's deal. I really have no power in the situation and my own recourse basically makes me sound like a brat. What I should really do is find my own solution here, if, indeed, there is one. 

The Moment

I think it's really neat when you can actually know the moment something changes your life. I'd been watching some videos over The Silmarillion for about an hour or so. It was a lot of information to digest. Even people who have read the book first say it's easier to have some summaries going in because it's just SO much. Anyway, I was watching and enjoying it. I was forming some basic opinions about stuff and trying to reconcile all of this with what I remembered from being a child when my mom read it to me. 

Then the above image appeared. It's of Fingon at the moment when he knows he has no hope of saving Maedhros and the only mercy he can give him is death. I remember stopping the video and staring at this image. I was captivated by the anguish in his expression. I knocked the video back and listened to this part again, letting it sink in. It is a very powerful moment in the story and a very powerful visual. 

And then, of course, an Eagle comes and flies Fingon up to him. He's able to save him (except the hand, of course). It's just a beautiful story. And it's Tolkien actually subverting a trope because here we have a prince rescuing ANOTHER prince. And in doing so, finding a way to mend the rift in their family and people. 

By the end of that video, I knew it was over for me. This was the new obsession and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was in love. 

Outrage over Ignorance

Recently, I saw someone complaining because they were going to explore homosexual themes in Dorian Gray. They claimed this was the "gay agenda" and bemoaned that the purity of the character wasn't being presented. 

Basically everyone, with any sense and a smattering of knowledge of the novel, the character, and the author of said novel called them out on it. 

And then I saw that people were outraged that Disney's Loki was shown as being bi/pansexual. 

Loki. 

Loki. I mean, three seconds of looking up the myths about Loki and you realize he could have/would have banged just about anything.

This evening I watched some guy complaining about Amazon's adaptation of JRRT's work. His complaints were that the show would probably be full of Game of Thrones type violence and ideas and that this just wasn't Tolkien. And it isn't.....at least, it isn't unless you remember that the Amazon show is set in the earlier ages of Arda, where it kind of WAS like Game of Thrones. If they go back as far as the Noontide, we even literally have someone scheming to make a royal family go to war over their own throne. We have massacres. We have kinslayings. We have all the same levels of darkness and hell that you see in Game of Thrones. To get The Silmarillion right, you would have to theme it closer to Game of Thrones. It's a far, far darker book than Tolkien's earlier works. 

My guess is that this person, like the other people bemoaning the cultural decay of things that assume they understand, has no clue what they're talking about and just reacts to things before understanding them.

Now. Do I have concerns about the Amazon series? Oh yes. Many. Well, mostly one and it concerns them making Mairon/Annatar/Sauron fabulous enough.  

But with a budget that size, surely they can get mah boi some good wigs. Surely.

The Tease

Not only was the weather unpleasant today, but it was also a tease. Over and over again, rain was hinted at, never to really amount to anything. Sometimes you would feel just the start of a cooler breeze....and then it would stop. This was SO annoying.

Anyway, other than that, the day was mostly fine. As hot as it is, we're having to rethink meals. There are a lot of things we just can't eat during the summer. If we lived in a house where consistent cooler air was a reality, that might not be a problem. But we don't. So it is.

A Difficult Talk

Today my roommate and I had the difficult talk that one has to have when one has pets. Tinkerbell is getting on in age and while she is not sick or really in pain or confusion yet, we know it will eventually be here. With each year, that eventuality is closer.

I think it's important to have these talks before a pet gets ill. I think it's important to start preparing yourself for the reality of the various ways this may happen. In the years we've lived together, we've had 7 cats (not all at once) and four of the five we've lost had to be taken to the vet. Two were emergencies where we didn't return home with the kitty. Two were scheduled appointments where we knew we would not be leaving with the kitty. One kitty passed away at home, with his kitty sister by his side to send him off.

Of the two that remain, Millie is young and will be with us (hopefully) for a long time. With Tink, the time is nearing. It isn't right now though, so I'm going to make the most of this gift while I still have her in my life. 

Favorite Things

I had a couple of conversations with people today about doing things to maintain sanity. Right now, in the middle of all the stress of the world and the heat, it's important to work on keeping the brain chemicals in a good state.

Now mind you, for some folks, this can't happen with tricks and techniques. They need meds to keep things balanced. And honestly, even then, sometimes you still have to do the tricks and techniques. Sometimes, you have to do everything you possibly can to hold on.

One thing that helps me to is to remember times when I know I was flooded with happiness. I go and listen to the music that made me happy or I watch a movie that made me happy during that time. It helps to reset the brain. 

This is one of the reasons I'm glad my dad finally has a smartphone. He can listen to music or watch videos all he wants. It will help him to keep his own mental health in check. And he certainly needs that, as he's still trying to untangle the botched job my grandfather did with his will. 

Look, I know this time of year can be hard. Let's be honest and accept that all the times of the year can be hard. Do what you can to help yourself through it. If that means listening to the boyband you loved when you were ten, then so be it. No shame in that at all. Do what makes you happy. 

The Return of Complaining

Honestly, does the complaining ever actually stop? Okay so it was warm again today. We had to turn on the AC and before that (and in the rooms where the AC doesn't reach), it was nasty. 

It's not really super great in here right now, but with fans I can handle it. Drag Race All Stars started today and the episode was good. I'm actually excited about All Stars. Kinda missed it.

And Then Fireworks

For some reason, children in my neighborhood never move away. They just stay around and bide their time until it's the week before July 4th. Just as soon as they can, they purchase every firework around and shoot them until the air around my house is full of smoke and nastiness. 

I hates it forever. 

Seriously, if I am ever The Grinch, it's during fireworks season. They should do a version of the story where the Grinch dresses up like Uncle Sam and steals everyone's fireworks. But doesn't grow a heart or give them back. He can steal everyone's hotdogs too. Hah!

Elfbilly

Someone posted a thing about describing Tolkien characters without using their names and it struck me how, even though JRRT claimed Fëanor was the wisest of his kind, our boy really comes off as Florida Man. To demonstrate this, I shall give the timeline of Fëanor in news headlines. If I copy one you've seen before, I didn't mean to. Also, spoilers, I guess, for the book.

Okay.

Local elf rages over father's second marriage, disowns half-siblings.

Local elf refuses to believe in the letter 's'

Local elf fathers seven children to win 'child having' contest that only exists in his head. 

Local elf makes creepy demands for niece's hair.

Local elf stays in homemade lab, invents shiny things that make people crazy.

Local elf draws weapon on half-brother at social event.

Local elf seen screaming at brother of government official. 

Local elf proposes mass exodus of population over dispute with local officials. 

Local elf convinces family members to commit murder in boat-stealing incident. 

Local elf abandons extended family, burns boats.

Local elf moves to new neighborhood gets into violent altercation with neighbors.

Local elf seen screaming at children. 

Local elf dies after trying to destroy monsters alone. 

Wisest of his kind? Really now?

Scary Storm

This morning there was a pretty scary storm. The sky, for a while, was really black with an underlayer of weird light. It was some kind of Pennywise stuff going on. I honestly expected a tornado.

After the storm, however, it has been really nice. It cooled down a lot and I think I'll be able to get some good sleep tonight. So yay!

Counting the Pleasants

To try and combat my usual anger at summer, I'm going to try and note when I'm actually happy about things. Perhaps if I focus more on that and less on the awfulness, my brain will produce happier chemicals. 

With that in mind, it was nice when I woke up this morning. My room was cool and lovely. I'm grateful for that. Earlier this evening, the younger cat was sleeping like a baby. It was most adorable. 

So there. Two nice things. Take THAT, Summer Solstice. 

Legacy of Survival

Today I watched the season-ending of both Drag Race Down Under and the second season of Legendary. I found myself teary-eyed over both. I won't spoil things here, but both wins were very deserved and very emotional. 

Legendary is about Ballroom culture and of course, Drag Race finds its roots in Ball culture as well. I know that a lot of people have complicated feelings about both shows, but this is my thought on it.

People go on these shows to showcase their art. They do so much more than that. They showcase their souls.  They show everyone the beauty of who they are and what they can do. It entertains, yes, but it also gives people so much hope. 

From listening to people talk about the origins of the Ball scene, this was always the intention. Come to the Ball and showcase who you are. Celebrate your beauty, your grace, your strength. Use this as a way to survive, as a reason to hope. 

I know that people sometimes worry that drag has gone too mainstream. Then again, now drag is reaching a greater number of folks with all of its beauty and wit and glory. It's helping to keep more people happy, hopeful, and alive.

Grandfather's Birthday

Today is my grandfather's birthday. I'm pretty horrible at remembering birthdays, but I remember his because it's two days past my brother's. My family has a bad habit of having birthdays in clusters. My great-grandmother, her son, and his grandson were all born on the same date, for instance. 

Today it was also cooler, at least during the evening. The AC went off two hours earlier than it usually does. The cat is lounging by me on the table. She's trying her best to sleep. 

Tomorrow we'll go out shopping and then hopefully just ride into a quiet and easy weekend. 

June Musings

We went out today to drive the van around. The van was really hot until we got some wind in it. Past that, it was pretty nice. Once we were home, the AC was on and the rest of the day was decent.

Tinkerbell has moved to a low, empty shelf in the kitchen. This is now her summer home. We're making sure she is brought in to sit with us for a while each day so she has some affection and connection to others. At her age, she needs it. Mills, of course, is perfectly happy to have Tink out of the family area. Jealous cat.

My Brother

Today is my brother's birthday. I sent him a text, not to be distant, but because I know it's what he likes. Better than an awkward conversation. No one wants an awkward conversation for their birthday.

It wasn't horribly hot today. We still had to turn on the AC, but before we did, things weren't pleasant, but they also weren't miserable. During the summer, that's usually about as best as I can hope.

The facemask I did today was lovely. My skin didn't even feel like my skin when it was over. That's progress. Hah. 

 

Balloons

I got to talk to my nephew today. We played a game where monkeys pop balloons. It was deeply satisfying. Sometimes stress eases when you just watch stuff pop. 

The humidity was low today so even though it was in the 90s, we were able to function without the AC. It had its moments of unpleasantness, but it never got that bad. I could handle a few nice weeks of this. Hell, I could handle a whole summer of this.

The annoying issues that are happening right now continue, but honestly, I'm less annoyed with them today. The lack of wet air helped. It always does. Good conversation (with roommate and nephew) helped. And, of course, watching monkeys shoot balloons helped a great deal.

Prospects

We're trying decent ways to encourage the bees to move on. Honey bees don't sting usually unless they're threatened. That doesn't mean I really want them in the house. We have prospects of people who might remove them.

I really do not need summer stress.

You Knew It Would Come

I loathe summer. 

Not even a month in and I've had drama over the lawn and it's hot and now there is a bug swarm trying to invade my house. 

My roommate did what he could. If it doesn't work, we'll have to call the professionals, which means more money in a season when we already have to spend more money because of lawn mowing.

Oh. And also.

Because it's hot and I'm sweaty, the back of my head was itching. I was using a wooden backscratcher to handle the itch and it flung forward and whacked me in the nose. Now my nose is bleeding. The cut is right on the part of the bridge of my nose where the cushion of my CPAP mask rests. So now the cut will get subject to hours of hot sweaty plastic. I'm sure that will be just lovely for healing.

Wonderful. I could cry. 

Better News

My lawn is mowed. My roommate's issue is solved. These things happened on the same day. Also on this day, I got sick. I think it was the stress. 

And so now that stress is gone. It's hot now. We've had to turn the AC on the last two days. Still, it was nice to wait until a week into June before we did so. 

My nephew should be home from camp this weekend. I miss him.

Unexpected Loss

I found out someone I liked a great deal died a few months ago. Even though we'd not seen each other in a while, I'm still kind of reeling from the news. I think I need to process it for a while and make my peace with it. 

So the June Thing

As I've said before, June is cooler than it usually is. However, it's throwing us some unexpected and stressful curveballs. I do not like those.

To begin with, there is the Lawn Issue. It's still not resolved and the lawn continues to grow. The rain is not helping. Part of my mind keeps trying to soothe me into believing that even IF the lawn dude can't handle it, someone will be able to. But the other part of me is in a panic. 

My roommate is having issues with suppliers not restocking the things he needs. The items are supposed to be back within ten days, but at this point, who knows? It is deeply frustrating that we're still having shortages this far out. 

And to all of this, some of the answers involve us waiting to see where things land. I hate that. It's the waiting that starts to kill your soul. 

June needs to get herself sorted.

Some Progress

Half my clothes are folded. I'll put them away in the morning and fold the rest before lunch. That way it will somewhat be caught up. Aside from the cat refusing to dislodge herself from my body, the folding went well. 

We had to pick up some orders from the mailbox place today. Even though most things are back in stock, my roommate is still having trouble locating some basic items. Shortages are still happening. Perhaps by midsummer that will change. 

I plan on going to bed at a reasonable (for me) hour tonight. I think my lack of sleep is causing me too many issues. 

The Week Ahead

Decisions will have to be made about the lawn. Whatever they are, so long as it gets mowed by someone who isn't us and the price is somewhat reasonable, I'm gonna just accept it. Those three things have to happen though.

I need to fold clothes. I folded the towels today. Tomorrow, it needs to be my clothes. They're starting to pile. I usually don't wait so long, but who knows where my brain has been.

The cat and I continue our war of love.

No One Feels Well

So far, June has been mild and cloudy. It's a nice change from the usual Hot as Hell Already Junes we've been getting. I'm sitting here with only one fan on, and mostly that's just to combat the heat produced by my oxygen machine (and the cat that insists my shoulder is her bed), and that is a very delightful thing. 

However, despite the pleasant weather, no one here really feels all that well. We're both rather drained of energy. My depression is trying to creep back in. We're anxious about the mowing situation. It's A LOT.

A friend told me about the lovely night she had. It sounded like an ideal summer evening. It sounded wonderful. It made me think about how summer is rarely a place of nice or fond memories for me. I wish that could change. I am also aware I probably say that every summer. 

Somehow, I've yet to understand how to make this fun for me again.

Plans and Damage Control

We have a plan for how to handle the mowing crisis. I hope it works. I hope whatever solution we find won't be difficult. I hate the idea of fixing this and somehow that just being worse.

See this is my mental state sometimes. There are moments when I feel pretty good about how problems will get solved. Other times, I feel like my solutions are just wrong and awful. Hopefully, that's just the brain weasels talking. 

Just Sigh

We found out today that our lawn dude had surgery and won't be able to mow the lawn. I wish him a speedy recovery and I hope all goes well for him.

Now I have to find a new way to handle the lawn. I hate the lawn. 

Recovery

I didn't feel well today. The organizing from yesterday got to me. Hopefully, with another good night's sleep (that I will hopefully get), I'll be better tomorrow. Aside from that, the day was fine.

It really doesn't feel like it should be June yet. Part of that is the cooler weather. Part of it is just how fast time seems to be flowing these days. I'm grateful for both, it's just odd. 

I Did a Goal

Heyyyy. I said I was going to get my room summer-ready this week and I managed to do just that! The floor is clean. The winter stuff is put away. The bedding is now in Summer Bedding Mode. The fans are plugged in and ready for warmer nights.

And I......am exhausted. I am seriously tired. But hey! At least it's finished. My room is as accommodating to summer as it can possibly be.