And After the Panic Dance, Miss Blackhaired Barbie Reflected Some More

The day got progressively better.  The roommate and I tackled some of our paperwork issues. I talked to a friend about walking me through a possible fix on my computer.  Clothes got washed, games got played, meds kicked in.  After a while, things were calmer.

My blog wanders all over the place. I guess because there are a lot of aspects of myself that I want to write about. No, no, I'm not talking about other personalities. Believe me, it's all my personality.  I just mean that sometimes I want to explore communication theories, sometimes I want to snark, sometimes I want to happyhappy, and sometimes, I need to break the hell down.

I'm good with this.  The blog is what it needs to be. A tangible documentation of where my brain is on any given day. It's therapeutic for me, possibly for others.  Beyond that, it is insight into me, just in case anyone is ever interested in that sort of thing down the line.

Think about it.  If I died tonight or the aliens came to get me or whatever, there would be 60 some odd entries for my family to have.  They could read them, puzzle over them. You know, that kind of thing that people do when someone dies.   If nothing else, I have accomplished to leave a lasting record of the weird dance that is me.

Not that I'm planning to die to night or anything. You get the idea though.

Also, look at the change in my mood and motives. Earlier today, I talked about not wanting to communicate, not wanting to reach out, not wanting to be social. Now, all of these things are important again. Vital.  I also don't see them as an impossible goal so much as something I take for granted.  Anxiety attacks are such nasty things.  It's like standing on the edge of a cliff and thinking with frantic hopelessness that it would be so much better to just go ahead and jump.

Here we are, hours later, and the threat of complete mental collapse seems like a distant thing.  I would so love to say I'll never be that bad off again.  I know it's not true though.  I can always hope though.

Well, at least I can hope when I'm not in the panic attack. Hah! I'm even joking about it now.