Tuesday Night Blues

I'm not really sure how good my Tuesday night posts will be from now on.  Wednesday is therapy day and I just started a program to help people who are adult survivors of childhood sexual trauma learn to cope.  I read the chapter. I did the work. Okay, let me rephrase. I read the chapter and I did the work as quickly after the appointment as possible so that I wouldn't procrastinate and put it off.  It was finished that day.  It's still been on my mind ever since.

On Thursday, it wasn't so bad.  Actually, on Thursday, I had some very intense physical issues happening, so my mind was elsewhere anyway.  Still, I don't think the chapter would have been such a deal to me anyway because it wasn't on Friday or Saturday either.  I relaxed and thought about other things, kept my mind free from the chapter and what I would be doing in therapy.

Sunday though . . . by this time, the chapter gnawed at me.  Every question played over in my head, again and again. Every answer written down in my serial killer handwriting ballooned up in my brain as I considered the truth and consequences of response.   I was frustrated by some of the questions and frustrated by some of the assumptions made by the book. By Monday, these frustrations found themselves on trail, as I weighed if this book was even the direction I wanted to go.

Today, I'm in somewhat of a half-nervous/half-Zen state about the whole thing.  I understand the book is best if it doesn't completely suit me tastes. That means I'm surrendering a bit of control about the situation, which I think is somewhat important in this case. Yeah, I keep taking very deep breaths and telling myself that.  We'll see how it goes.