Waking Up

Assuming nothing goes crazywrong, that I will be out on three Saturdays in a row.  And, you know, REAL out, not just sitting in the van while my roommate shops.  I know for a lot of people, that is just typical.  Keep in mind though, I used to more or less be a shut-in.

Until about 2000, that wasn't the case at all. I would still go places with friends, still enjoy social functions, still manage to be around other humans without being filled with complete and total fear. Then there was the downward spiral of things, culminating in the year before I finally got disability. I was in breakdown mode all the time. I was sleep-deprived, suicidal, defeated.  Most of all, I was not fit company.

Coming out of the fog of this, due to meds, therapy, and proper sleeping aids, has been nothing short of a miracle for me. Used to be, when I would go to see my best friend, I'd spend half the day sleeping.  Once my sleep apnea was under control, I could stay awake for hours at a time.  This means I'm talking to people, not just falling asleep during their conversations.

If you've never had a sleeping disorder, let me see if I can explain it to you. Think about the time when you were the most tired, like after you'd been awake for a few days, but still had to function, how you are, really STARVING for sleep. You ache. You're dizzy. Everything feels like you're trying to do it while underwater. Your reactions are slow and you only realize after you've done whatever that it probably wasn't the right thing to do.

Now, imagine you feel that way all the time.  Even when you try to sleep, it's never enough, it never quite works for you.  Your days become an endless fight to keep your eyes open. You struggle against it, but it's hopeless because you know you won't win. Then, most cruel of all, when you do sleep, which always seems so delicious at first, it never satisfies you.

For a long time, that was my life. Just tired, tired, tired.  Lack of sleep defined me.

I guess about three years ago this June, that all changed. I did a sleep study.  This basically involves spending the night in a medical clinic with lots of wires attached to your head while someone watches you sleep.  It's really not as bad as it sounds. IN FACT, I will state without a doubt it has been the best experience with the medical system I have ever had.

About half way through the night, the CPAP was given to me. Suddenly, my sleep was REAL again.  It was awesome. Within a week, my own machine was next to my bedside, and true sleep was mine again. Bliss, I tell you. Bliss.

And.....it really was like waking up.

When you don't sleep, you don't notice all the damage it's doing. Yeah, you notice fall-asleep-in-an-instant stuff.

You don't notice how you start to loose color, not all of it, just shades, intensity.  You don't realize everything is graying out.  Light loses its beauty and just becomes painful.  You stop looking, or maybe you're just too exhausted to look. Sleep deprivation puts you in a place where all you can do is function, and just barely that.

You don't notice how you begin to shy away from people, how every little thing becomes too difficult to process and manage. You don't notice, or maybe you just get used to, the pain in your eyes, your joints, your hands, your legs.  You get used to the swelling, the fright, the lapses in judgement.

When you wake up ...........

I had forgotten how vivid reds can be. And greens! Especially natural greens.  There is a level of green in trees reaching for sunlight that goes when you are exhausted. And when you DO sleep and really wake up....it's the most beautiful color you can imagine.

When you wake up, you remember your own voice, your own personality.  You share with people, interact, smile.  You can remember conversations from days (and hours and minutes) before because you were really awake to hear them.

You get to really live again, not just function.

It's estimated that over 40 million people in the US suffer from chronic sleep disorders.  Up to another 30 million suffer from occasional sleep issues. Chances are, if you're reading this, you're one of them.  If you are, I urge you to go to your doctor and ask for a sleep study.  It's a scary prospect, and getting used to a CPAP isn't easy, but believe me, waking up is well worth it.