Somehow I managed to step down wrong and now my foot is killing me. It's the foot on my good leg, which makes it even more frustrating. Now I'm kind of gimping along in two directions. Walking is even more hellish than it was before.
This is so frustrating. What's worse is that I'd been told (and let myself believe) that I would have my wheelchair by now. That wouldn't help me in the house, but it would help when I had to go out and do things. Now I have this horrible foot pain and no idea when I'll get relief from it. I could just cry.
Friday, August 31, 2018
Thursday, August 30, 2018
Comfort
For some reason, today my mind sent me into a memory tizzy about my many embarrassing and failing moments in middle school.
One of those happened when I was at a band contest. We had to dress formally for the performance and this meant my fat self would be standing around in shoes with high heels. I did my best to handle this. It was cold outside, so I borrowed my grandmother's black dress boots. It would give me a thicker heel and more ankle support. It was a good idea, but it wasn't enough. The strain on my feet was murder and I ended up removing the shoes as we were still in line to play. I felt like an utter fat little loser.
Later today, I read this article about how women's clothing takes a physical and emotional toll on the women who opt to participate in the conventional feminine way of dressing. As I read it, I thought about how I have no memories of what music we played or how well we did. I don't know what happened before or after that performance. But I can vividly recall the pain my feet were in and the pain my mind was in as I struggled to take them off or not.
The thing is, I now realize this situation, while embarrassing, was not really a failure on my part. I could have dressed comfortably but still looked formal enough. The problem wasn't me or society or shoes or anything besides just me not understanding how to advocate for my own comfort.
I wish as a kid I would have known how to communicate with those around me 'this doesn't work for me so let's look for other solutions.' I wish I could have pointed out that hose left my inner thighs bloody, that flats would leave blisters, that shirts needed to be longer so they wouldn't ride up due to my boobs, that pants needed to be bigger because they were digging into my belly so much it would leave cuts.
All of this stuff was embarrassing because almost all of it was due to the fact that I was fat. The thing is, they KNEW I was fat. It wasn't like me reminding them of it would suddenly place the idea in their heads. I had different clothing needs than other people.
When it comes to your own comfort, as it is with your own safety, you need to communicate with the people around you about what works for you. You can't assume they will know, especially if you come in a category they're not used to. Speak up. Say what you need. Say what doesn't work. You have a right to go through life with the tools that work for you.
One of those happened when I was at a band contest. We had to dress formally for the performance and this meant my fat self would be standing around in shoes with high heels. I did my best to handle this. It was cold outside, so I borrowed my grandmother's black dress boots. It would give me a thicker heel and more ankle support. It was a good idea, but it wasn't enough. The strain on my feet was murder and I ended up removing the shoes as we were still in line to play. I felt like an utter fat little loser.
Later today, I read this article about how women's clothing takes a physical and emotional toll on the women who opt to participate in the conventional feminine way of dressing. As I read it, I thought about how I have no memories of what music we played or how well we did. I don't know what happened before or after that performance. But I can vividly recall the pain my feet were in and the pain my mind was in as I struggled to take them off or not.
The thing is, I now realize this situation, while embarrassing, was not really a failure on my part. I could have dressed comfortably but still looked formal enough. The problem wasn't me or society or shoes or anything besides just me not understanding how to advocate for my own comfort.
I wish as a kid I would have known how to communicate with those around me 'this doesn't work for me so let's look for other solutions.' I wish I could have pointed out that hose left my inner thighs bloody, that flats would leave blisters, that shirts needed to be longer so they wouldn't ride up due to my boobs, that pants needed to be bigger because they were digging into my belly so much it would leave cuts.
All of this stuff was embarrassing because almost all of it was due to the fact that I was fat. The thing is, they KNEW I was fat. It wasn't like me reminding them of it would suddenly place the idea in their heads. I had different clothing needs than other people.
When it comes to your own comfort, as it is with your own safety, you need to communicate with the people around you about what works for you. You can't assume they will know, especially if you come in a category they're not used to. Speak up. Say what you need. Say what doesn't work. You have a right to go through life with the tools that work for you.
Wednesday, August 29, 2018
Life Piling Up
I'm building a collection of papers on my desk again. Tomorrow, I will deal with them. I don't even think they're of any importance. They're just piling up.
I've been in considerable pain since the trip. Well, before the trip, really. I've been rehabbing as much as I can, but it isn't helping. I'm sure summer has a lot to do with this. I'll do what I can. It's never enough.
My nephew asked me to play a game with him online. I decided I would because he's never really asked me to do anything before and it seems like a fun little game. It's like playing pool, only you hit people in the process.
Tomorrow, we pay a bill. I hope September is an easy month.
I've been in considerable pain since the trip. Well, before the trip, really. I've been rehabbing as much as I can, but it isn't helping. I'm sure summer has a lot to do with this. I'll do what I can. It's never enough.
My nephew asked me to play a game with him online. I decided I would because he's never really asked me to do anything before and it seems like a fun little game. It's like playing pool, only you hit people in the process.
Tomorrow, we pay a bill. I hope September is an easy month.
Tuesday, August 28, 2018
Relationship Rules
I heard several stories this weekend that really upset me. It seems that people will tolerate things in romantic relationships that they really should not tolerate. There are certain rules that should apply to any romantic relationship, no matter what the gender (or lack thereof) of the people involved.
1. You are respected. You are treated with kindness and spoken to in a respectful manner. There is no constant criticism. There is no namecalling. Even when this person is angry at you, if you are intimate with them, they should treat you respectfully.
2. You do not allow anyone to hit you. Violence is not a part of a healthy relationship. Lashing out isn't the sign of a healthy person. They are not violent to you, any children you may have, or any pets. Violence is not a sign of strength, it is a sign of a weak person who cannot control their emotions. Remove yourself from this person as soon as possible.
3. The relationship is equal. Problems are solved together. Decisions are made together. There is a balance of responsibilities in terms of who does what. No one should be my mother who would work a full-time job, then come home and clean while her husband sat on his ass and contributed no money or help at all. You might say that this isn't always the case because one person may be too unhealthy to do a lot of chores. You might even point out that this person is me. My comment back to that is that I'm not in a romantic relationship with anyone, nor should I be until I am a healthy person.
4. All of this should be communicated before the relationship ever starts. If you find yourself at the potential beginning of a relationship, a conversation needs to be held about everyone's needs and expectations.
I will respect you and you will respect me.
There will be no violence on the part of either of us.
Rights and responsibilities will be shared equally.
If the other person isn't interested in this, then do not be in a relationship with them. You can't change their minds. You won't make them better. If they can't treat you well, then they are not worth being with. It will only cost you time and effort with no payout.
1. You are respected. You are treated with kindness and spoken to in a respectful manner. There is no constant criticism. There is no namecalling. Even when this person is angry at you, if you are intimate with them, they should treat you respectfully.
2. You do not allow anyone to hit you. Violence is not a part of a healthy relationship. Lashing out isn't the sign of a healthy person. They are not violent to you, any children you may have, or any pets. Violence is not a sign of strength, it is a sign of a weak person who cannot control their emotions. Remove yourself from this person as soon as possible.
3. The relationship is equal. Problems are solved together. Decisions are made together. There is a balance of responsibilities in terms of who does what. No one should be my mother who would work a full-time job, then come home and clean while her husband sat on his ass and contributed no money or help at all. You might say that this isn't always the case because one person may be too unhealthy to do a lot of chores. You might even point out that this person is me. My comment back to that is that I'm not in a romantic relationship with anyone, nor should I be until I am a healthy person.
4. All of this should be communicated before the relationship ever starts. If you find yourself at the potential beginning of a relationship, a conversation needs to be held about everyone's needs and expectations.
I will respect you and you will respect me.
There will be no violence on the part of either of us.
Rights and responsibilities will be shared equally.
If the other person isn't interested in this, then do not be in a relationship with them. You can't change their minds. You won't make them better. If they can't treat you well, then they are not worth being with. It will only cost you time and effort with no payout.
Monday, August 27, 2018
Post Visit
Yesterday was a LOT. It was good to see my uncle, but I'm really not used to dealing with people in my house for that long. I'm quiet by nature and talking that much just really isn't my gig. There are only a select few people I can do that with.
Then my brother and his family came over. They were only here for 15 minutes, but it still exhausted me. Just too many people in one room, too many people in MY room. Uggh.
This is the last week of August and I'm happy about that. August has been a very busy month and everything that happened has required days of recovery. I need a quiet Fall so I can deal with all that holiday stuff at the end of the year.
Then my brother and his family came over. They were only here for 15 minutes, but it still exhausted me. Just too many people in one room, too many people in MY room. Uggh.
This is the last week of August and I'm happy about that. August has been a very busy month and everything that happened has required days of recovery. I need a quiet Fall so I can deal with all that holiday stuff at the end of the year.
Sunday, August 26, 2018
Blanked
I have no idea why I haven't blogged in two days. I guess I just blanked. I'm not sure. I was on a lot of medication for the infection caused by the gyno visit. Perhaps it was that. It's not been the most comfortable of weeks for me.
Any week I have to go to Tulsa never is. Well, okay, to be fair, I was mostly okay (other than being tired) when I would go up with my roommate, however, when it comes to these trips to the gyno, it's never comfortable. With few exceptions, every one of these trips stands out in my mind for rather bad reasons. I had panic attacks. I got hives. I had major leakage. I felt violated. It's never been easy.
Fortunately, after next year, I won't have to go there. I'll be discharged from their care and I can see whatever medical professional I wish for gyno exams. That's awesome.
Any week I have to go to Tulsa never is. Well, okay, to be fair, I was mostly okay (other than being tired) when I would go up with my roommate, however, when it comes to these trips to the gyno, it's never comfortable. With few exceptions, every one of these trips stands out in my mind for rather bad reasons. I had panic attacks. I got hives. I had major leakage. I felt violated. It's never been easy.
Fortunately, after next year, I won't have to go there. I'll be discharged from their care and I can see whatever medical professional I wish for gyno exams. That's awesome.
Thursday, August 23, 2018
Tired
I'm seriously tired. It's been a long day and I need a lot of sleep. Weeks of sleep. Years of sleep. Sleep sleep sleep.
The trip to the gyno just really threw me for a loop. I thought I'd be past it by now, but honestly that isn't happening. Emotionally I'm still deeply fragile. I cried on the way home today and I'm not even sure why.
Uggh. No more surprise gyno visiting.
The trip to the gyno just really threw me for a loop. I thought I'd be past it by now, but honestly that isn't happening. Emotionally I'm still deeply fragile. I cried on the way home today and I'm not even sure why.
Uggh. No more surprise gyno visiting.
Wednesday, August 22, 2018
Modest Mice
In public, I dress modestly. Loose black shirt, loose black pants. Everything is covered, you know, unless there is wind or something rides up. This is given the addition of a hoodie and a hat in the winter. Occasionally, if it is too hot, I'll put on shorts (again, loose, usually down to my knee). The way I dress makes me comfortable, although it is hot during the summer. It's what I want to wear.
Now, I don't do this for modesty reasons. I do this because I want to be comfortable and not be pulling on my clothes to adjust them all the time. How other people react to them is never an issue for me. My clothes are about my comfort level and I believe that is how it should be for everyone.
You should dress at your own comfort level. If that is wandering around in a speedo, fine. If that is waltzing through life in a burqa, fine. If this is wearing insulting t-shirts, fine. If this is wearing a tailored suit, fine.
People will judge you based on how you dress. In some cases, it is just a passing thought. "Businessman." "Mall chick." In other cases, they get a whole range of emotions. Whatever these people think about how you dress, ignore them. Their opinions about your comfort level are not important. That is their issue to deal with. Don't give them any power in making it yours.
The same is true for us as well, of course. If someone wears something that offends us, for whatever reason, it isn't our place to try and edit them. If you don't like it, just ignore them. Let them live their lives. It's not harming you.
We have better things to do with our time than police other people's clothing.
Now, I don't do this for modesty reasons. I do this because I want to be comfortable and not be pulling on my clothes to adjust them all the time. How other people react to them is never an issue for me. My clothes are about my comfort level and I believe that is how it should be for everyone.
You should dress at your own comfort level. If that is wandering around in a speedo, fine. If that is waltzing through life in a burqa, fine. If this is wearing insulting t-shirts, fine. If this is wearing a tailored suit, fine.
People will judge you based on how you dress. In some cases, it is just a passing thought. "Businessman." "Mall chick." In other cases, they get a whole range of emotions. Whatever these people think about how you dress, ignore them. Their opinions about your comfort level are not important. That is their issue to deal with. Don't give them any power in making it yours.
The same is true for us as well, of course. If someone wears something that offends us, for whatever reason, it isn't our place to try and edit them. If you don't like it, just ignore them. Let them live their lives. It's not harming you.
We have better things to do with our time than police other people's clothing.
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
Over
The evil appointment is over. The trip is over. We had a very good meal. The rest of it was pretty universally awful. They said my stuff looked fine. I have to come back in six months.
My body finally relaxed a little today. It's kind of shocking the level of PTSD this whole situation throws me into. I don't know that cancer/surgery/loss of organs was the worst thing in my life, but it's the most recent hell, so it's the fresh one.
I'm tired and my body is protesting the whole ordeal. I'm itchy. Hopefully, by the weekend, I'll be somewhat recovered.
My body finally relaxed a little today. It's kind of shocking the level of PTSD this whole situation throws me into. I don't know that cancer/surgery/loss of organs was the worst thing in my life, but it's the most recent hell, so it's the fresh one.
I'm tired and my body is protesting the whole ordeal. I'm itchy. Hopefully, by the weekend, I'll be somewhat recovered.
Sunday, August 19, 2018
Good News
I found out Friday that I've been approved to get my wheelchair. It should be here in about two weeks. I'm cautiously happy about this. There are still things that could go wrong. They could have ordered the wrong size or it may not work for whatever reason.....but those aspects are fixable. The process has started.
I'm still not happy about things coming to this point, but here we are. At least this way I can sit comfortably in more places and go to more places without having to spend two days' past it trying to recover. I had to skip seeing my best friend last week because everything unavoidable was going to tire me out too much. Hopefully, that won't be a problem anymore.
I am very grateful for this.
I'm still not happy about things coming to this point, but here we are. At least this way I can sit comfortably in more places and go to more places without having to spend two days' past it trying to recover. I had to skip seeing my best friend last week because everything unavoidable was going to tire me out too much. Hopefully, that won't be a problem anymore.
I am very grateful for this.
Saturday, August 18, 2018
The Realness
On a lot of personality-based reality shows (ANTM, RPDR) there is this constant thing the judges always ask for. They want people to let go of the persona they're presenting and let who they really are shine through. They often refer to this as 'vulnerability' though I believe that isn't exactly the proper term. It's close, but being vulnerable means exposing weakness. I don't think that showing the genuine side of who you are is the same as that.
However, I believe the reason Shane Dawson has been able to sustain his YouTube career is that he is, naturally, so good at letting who he really shines through. Mind you, most of the time he's in character. He's playing the persona of Shane Dawson, a constructed YouTube personality based on his funnier side, his more whacky side. He's very entertaining when he does that.
However, there are also moments when he drops the character and is just himself. These moments aren't planned. There is no script of 'now I'm going to be me.' He just lets himself be open enough to the moment to allow himself to do this.
The latest example of this happened on the third installment of his day of pretending to be Jeffery Star. Dressed as Star, Shane followed the fashion icon around, seeing what it was like to live his life. Shane was overwhelmed by the expense of his Gucci clothes (well over 3000$) and price of the bag he was carrying (36,000$). He marveled at Star's cars, all custom and expensive and on brand Star Pink. He expected that stuff though, so while he knew it would be expensive, he was still able to roll with it, cracking jokes, playfully mocking things, being the clown.
Then Star took him to his warehouses, the place where his empire is really founded. Suddenly faced with the fact that Star had truly created an empire requiring a block of business buildings, organization, and true business savvy, Shane was left speechless. He stared at things in quiet awe, trying his best to ask questions, to process what he was seeing. You could watch as it dawned on him that Star wasn't just this amazingly queeny internet personality, he was a true businessman, with employees (over 100), and someone who had built his brand into a viable business.
Seeing Shane react to this is the true genius of who Dawson is. He didn't try to control or produce the moment. He let it happen as it happened. He let himself stammer, asked questions off the top of his head, repeated himself. He let himself be a real person, as it was dawning on him that Star was, also, truly a real person, a deeper and more complex person than he allowed himself to be shown in public. And as he did this, he allowed everyone watching with him to realize this same thing, all without hitting them over the head with it.
As I've mentioned before, Shane Dawson is someone I've followed for years. He's talented, but even more than that, he has a very beautiful charisma that radiates when he is open with what is happening in his moments. Even though he has admitted to a lot of insecurity about who he is, I think that the inner core of openness, of being so real, is what draws people to him.
However, I believe the reason Shane Dawson has been able to sustain his YouTube career is that he is, naturally, so good at letting who he really shines through. Mind you, most of the time he's in character. He's playing the persona of Shane Dawson, a constructed YouTube personality based on his funnier side, his more whacky side. He's very entertaining when he does that.
However, there are also moments when he drops the character and is just himself. These moments aren't planned. There is no script of 'now I'm going to be me.' He just lets himself be open enough to the moment to allow himself to do this.
The latest example of this happened on the third installment of his day of pretending to be Jeffery Star. Dressed as Star, Shane followed the fashion icon around, seeing what it was like to live his life. Shane was overwhelmed by the expense of his Gucci clothes (well over 3000$) and price of the bag he was carrying (36,000$). He marveled at Star's cars, all custom and expensive and on brand Star Pink. He expected that stuff though, so while he knew it would be expensive, he was still able to roll with it, cracking jokes, playfully mocking things, being the clown.
Then Star took him to his warehouses, the place where his empire is really founded. Suddenly faced with the fact that Star had truly created an empire requiring a block of business buildings, organization, and true business savvy, Shane was left speechless. He stared at things in quiet awe, trying his best to ask questions, to process what he was seeing. You could watch as it dawned on him that Star wasn't just this amazingly queeny internet personality, he was a true businessman, with employees (over 100), and someone who had built his brand into a viable business.
Seeing Shane react to this is the true genius of who Dawson is. He didn't try to control or produce the moment. He let it happen as it happened. He let himself stammer, asked questions off the top of his head, repeated himself. He let himself be a real person, as it was dawning on him that Star was, also, truly a real person, a deeper and more complex person than he allowed himself to be shown in public. And as he did this, he allowed everyone watching with him to realize this same thing, all without hitting them over the head with it.
As I've mentioned before, Shane Dawson is someone I've followed for years. He's talented, but even more than that, he has a very beautiful charisma that radiates when he is open with what is happening in his moments. Even though he has admitted to a lot of insecurity about who he is, I think that the inner core of openness, of being so real, is what draws people to him.
Thursday, August 16, 2018
Mixed News
Today was a mixed bag for me. On one hand, I found out the request I made of the Tulsa clinic would not be honored. They don't have what I need and TOO BAD! they also won't be getting it to help me. The thing is, I may be fatter than most people, but I'm not THE only person of my size around. It would do people of my size a lot of good to have equipment and items that work for them, but far be it from the medical establishment to help anyone. The stupid thing is, even people who weren't this big could still use the equipment. It would be fine for everyone.
This was frustrating and disheartening. However, about an hour after that, Sims did a major update and tossed a lot of free content at us. I get why they're doing it. Most of the free stuff they send out is multicultural. It's to help people of other backgrounds and cultures to feel the Sims experience represents them as well. I love the pack, honestly. It's nice and tropical.
If you're wondering how one actually made up for the other, I guess all I can tell you is that this is my usual coping mechanism. The serious real-life thing didn't happen, so I'm soothing my brain with the toy/make-believe thing. It doesn't alter the reality, but it keeps me from dwelling on it. Right now, any little bit of that sort of thing helps.
This was frustrating and disheartening. However, about an hour after that, Sims did a major update and tossed a lot of free content at us. I get why they're doing it. Most of the free stuff they send out is multicultural. It's to help people of other backgrounds and cultures to feel the Sims experience represents them as well. I love the pack, honestly. It's nice and tropical.
If you're wondering how one actually made up for the other, I guess all I can tell you is that this is my usual coping mechanism. The serious real-life thing didn't happen, so I'm soothing my brain with the toy/make-believe thing. It doesn't alter the reality, but it keeps me from dwelling on it. Right now, any little bit of that sort of thing helps.
Wednesday, August 15, 2018
Wet
This is a strange August. It's raining, even flooding in some areas near me. Normally this is the hottest month of the year. It seems that this year decided to switch things up.
In between the bouts of rain, we got my oil changed and the tires looked at. I also called the doc's office to find out about the progress on getting my chair. So far, nothing. The hell of medical drama is that it stays medical drama until it's solved.
Tomorrow I plan to get as much rest as possible. I'm trying not to stress about the trip to Tulsa on Monday, but to be honest I kind of hope it floods out to where I can't go and then I'll just not make another appointment until December. Yes, this is how my demented brain works.
In between the bouts of rain, we got my oil changed and the tires looked at. I also called the doc's office to find out about the progress on getting my chair. So far, nothing. The hell of medical drama is that it stays medical drama until it's solved.
Tomorrow I plan to get as much rest as possible. I'm trying not to stress about the trip to Tulsa on Monday, but to be honest I kind of hope it floods out to where I can't go and then I'll just not make another appointment until December. Yes, this is how my demented brain works.
Tuesday, August 14, 2018
Improvement?
Sims is overhauling their Gallery and it's a real pain. All the search words I usually use to find houses for my Sims (like 'abandoned' and 'poverty' or 'haunted') now yield little to no results. They wanted to change everything to hashtags, but instead of doing that with keywords, they're trying to base it on creators. That just won't work for most people.
Anyway, hopefully, they'll come out with something new this season. The last two packs were great, but before that, we had a series of duds. Rumor has it the next few packs will be something about farming, witches, and then a larger university pack. All of these things sound great to me!
Anyway, hopefully, they'll come out with something new this season. The last two packs were great, but before that, we had a series of duds. Rumor has it the next few packs will be something about farming, witches, and then a larger university pack. All of these things sound great to me!
Sunday, August 12, 2018
Dread
A week from tomorrow, I have to go to Tulsa. I am completely and utterly unhappy about this. I'm going to try my best not to let this ruin my week, but given that I'm also fighting a pretty intense bout of depression, I'm not sure how that will go.
I have skills to deal with my depression. I know how to recognize it and how to try and talk myself out of the Dark Places. But that gets tiring and when you really have nothing to hope for or look forward to, it's damned near exhausting.
See, that's why the wheelchair is needed. With that level of added mobility, I WILL have a chance to do more things, look forward to stuff, not just DREAD every possible activity. The wheelchair isn't about me trying to find a new level of lazy. It's about me trying to find a way to survive.
It's to the point where I need that.
I have skills to deal with my depression. I know how to recognize it and how to try and talk myself out of the Dark Places. But that gets tiring and when you really have nothing to hope for or look forward to, it's damned near exhausting.
See, that's why the wheelchair is needed. With that level of added mobility, I WILL have a chance to do more things, look forward to stuff, not just DREAD every possible activity. The wheelchair isn't about me trying to find a new level of lazy. It's about me trying to find a way to survive.
It's to the point where I need that.
Friday, August 10, 2018
Hmm
I noticed my post about the fictional situation where I destroy a bridge with my fatness got double the hits of my usual posts. Sometimes Blogger randomly tosses posts up for people to read and perhaps mine hit the rotation. It's also possible that people were morbidly curious by the title and clicked on it, hoping for a story about actual bridge destruction caused by fatness. Either way, it seems the title was catchy.
Thursday, August 9, 2018
Just to Make Note of It
This afternoon, both my roommate and I felt nausea. Mine hit about 7, but his had been going on most of the afternoon/evening. I wasn't home until 6, however, so it's possible I just picked up on whatever was wrong with him, or it may have been unrelated.
He was better by around 8. It took me until around 11 to feel completely better. I didn't even feel like messing with any writing until just now.
Whatever it was, I'm glad it's gone and hope it does not come back.
He was better by around 8. It took me until around 11 to feel completely better. I didn't even feel like messing with any writing until just now.
Whatever it was, I'm glad it's gone and hope it does not come back.
Wednesday, August 8, 2018
Fat Woman Destroys Bridge
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| Vicky Vox: Best person at flipping off others. |
My first thought was, "Well, shit. I'm probably going to be on that damned bridge when it breaks."
I mean, I don't even use that bridge very often. It's on the far side of town from me and I like my backroads and country highways more. I also hate the convoluted way it merges and generally dislike that stretch of highway because it feels like it takes forever.
It doesn't matter. There will be some stupid rainstorm that floods out the roads on my side of town or a tractor pile up or cows or SOMETHING and I'll have to drive over that bridge. And when I do, even though semis, triple semis, massive trucks pulling massive boats, and billions of other people have driven over that bridge, it will break while I am on it.
I'll fall into some chasm of Embarrassment Hell. I won't be lucky enough to DIE, from the fall. Oh no, I'll be very much alive and very much conscious. Helicopters will fly over. Police will arrive. They'll try to hoist me out and I'll probably break the damned hoists. And, again, I won't die from that or even faint.
The newspaper's headlines the next day will be "Fat Woman Destroys Bridge."It will probably go viral.
Sigh.
Okay, so I thought about that last part, as it is really the only part I have any kind of control over. I've decided that when they're taking my Fat Woman picture, I'm sitting
Tuesday, August 7, 2018
Rubicon
I love Julius Caesar so much. His boldness as a general has always inspired me. I must have been there, somewhere, with him, when all of that was going on. And his moment of crossing the Rubicon, even though he was not supposed to, has always filled me with excitement.
Except when I apply it to my own life. I mean, I've crossed several Rubicons, but they never seemed to be due to my accomplishments.
Tomorrow I'm having to cross another one. I'll be asking my medical provider for a wheelchair. I won't need it all the time, certainly not just meandering around the house. The problem is, meandering around the house has become my limit. It's horribly uncomfortable for me to go anywhere. Most chairs are uncomfortable. Often I would have to walk beyond my capacity. I get panic-stricken just thinking about most long trips. Or even short ones. I can't stand in lines.
This will increase my mobility and expand what I can do. I could wheel around a museum. I could sit during a concert. I could sit in line to meet an author. I could maybe see Hamilton if it comes near.
At the same time, I feel like I'm failing even deeper at life by having to take this step. Clearly, my health isn't getting better. Clearly, my ability to handle myself isn't getting better. Clearly, nothing is getting better. As always, I am utterly utterly utterly failing at losing weight and it pisses me off to the CORE of my soul. WHY was I given this challenge if I can't solve it? WHY was I given this situation where my weight would get worse and worse and worse and I just be unable to really get a grip on how to fix it? WHY?
But it's pointless to wallow in the failure. I've failed. Whatever. I still would like to do more than sit in this house. So.....wheelchair request it is.
Except when I apply it to my own life. I mean, I've crossed several Rubicons, but they never seemed to be due to my accomplishments.
Tomorrow I'm having to cross another one. I'll be asking my medical provider for a wheelchair. I won't need it all the time, certainly not just meandering around the house. The problem is, meandering around the house has become my limit. It's horribly uncomfortable for me to go anywhere. Most chairs are uncomfortable. Often I would have to walk beyond my capacity. I get panic-stricken just thinking about most long trips. Or even short ones. I can't stand in lines.
This will increase my mobility and expand what I can do. I could wheel around a museum. I could sit during a concert. I could sit in line to meet an author. I could maybe see Hamilton if it comes near.
At the same time, I feel like I'm failing even deeper at life by having to take this step. Clearly, my health isn't getting better. Clearly, my ability to handle myself isn't getting better. Clearly, nothing is getting better. As always, I am utterly utterly utterly failing at losing weight and it pisses me off to the CORE of my soul. WHY was I given this challenge if I can't solve it? WHY was I given this situation where my weight would get worse and worse and worse and I just be unable to really get a grip on how to fix it? WHY?
But it's pointless to wallow in the failure. I've failed. Whatever. I still would like to do more than sit in this house. So.....wheelchair request it is.
Monday, August 6, 2018
Virtual and Holy
I read this article about how a landmark in World of Warcraft is burning, parts being destroyed for the sake of gameplay. I understand the melancholy. We grow attached to game locations. Sometimes we use them as our base starting point. "I get here by going six places past THIS landmark." Other times, we have memories attached to them because of gameplay situations that happened there.
However, and perhaps this is the weirdest part and maybe the first time this has ever really happened in recent memory, there are also places in games that we love for reasons we can't put into words. These locations just sing to us, make us feel things. In some cases, they trigger memories we didn't realize we had or fill us with emotions we can't quite connect with anything tangible. It's a true soul connection.
I had a place like this in Glitch. I honestly felt like this little section of the world was holy. When that world ended, I stayed in this location and waited for the world to blip out. Then I jumped and jumped as high as the moon. And even though I was sitting here in this chair when it happened, and even though that was a video game, part of me felt like I ascended. I suppose the part of me that was Glitchen that did.
I feel for the author of the article about Warcraft. I feel for any game player who has had to watch their sacred places burn or die or disappear. It aches and maybe to someone who doesn't play, that makes no sense. All I can say to people like that is I hope, someday, you find something that connects to your soul in this same way. It is an amazing feeling.
Sunday, August 5, 2018
The Curtain Closing
Depression and anxiety are on high right now. I know this because when I think about the stuff I have to deal with this month, part of me just kind of hopes I die in my sleep before I have to deal with it. Dramatic? Probably sounds that way, but in my mind, it's just this feeling of exhaustion.
There are things in this world that I want that I will never get. Beyond that, I don't want much. Mostly to just live in peace with no drama and not dealing with people sticking things in me after I've been in a car for 2 and a half hours.
I'm just going to have to try to go on autopilot this month and let things happen. I'm pissed off about the whole situation and just want it over with. However, at the moment, I'm sick of dread. I'm sick of feeling my teeth being on edge. I'm sick of being tired and just wanting EVERYTHING to be over with. I'm just tired.
There are things in this world that I want that I will never get. Beyond that, I don't want much. Mostly to just live in peace with no drama and not dealing with people sticking things in me after I've been in a car for 2 and a half hours.
I'm just going to have to try to go on autopilot this month and let things happen. I'm pissed off about the whole situation and just want it over with. However, at the moment, I'm sick of dread. I'm sick of feeling my teeth being on edge. I'm sick of being tired and just wanting EVERYTHING to be over with. I'm just tired.
Friday, August 3, 2018
The Perfect Moments
I had some perfect moments today. I laughed a lot and really felt alive. In fact, I'm having more of those moments now because I'm listening to music and chair dancing. I needed this.
This month is going to be intense for me. I have to do several things that I DO NOT want to do. I have to try to set some things into motion and I'm not sure I even can. I hope I can. All of this will involve me pushing my body against its usual limits. I'm more than a little scared about all of it.
But not tonight. Tonight I'm dancing. Tonight I'm happy. Tonight things are good.
This month is going to be intense for me. I have to do several things that I DO NOT want to do. I have to try to set some things into motion and I'm not sure I even can. I hope I can. All of this will involve me pushing my body against its usual limits. I'm more than a little scared about all of it.
But not tonight. Tonight I'm dancing. Tonight I'm happy. Tonight things are good.
Thursday, August 2, 2018
Arms
My arms are decorated with freckles. Scars tell stories of childhood mishaps, stories of adult survival. One scar is a gift from a boy who threw a fire ant on me. One scar is a gift from a cat that did not wish to be bathed.
My arms end in a reflection of my mother's hands. When I look at them, I see her, though her hands were thinner and more worn. It's always bittersweet because while I love the memory of her, I hate the memory of how much she disliked my softness. Perhaps this is why my palms are so different. My palm that reflects my outside fate tells one story. The palm that reflects my inside love for myself tells a better one.
My fingernails vex me as much as my hair often does. They're often jagged and uneven, but when I paint them, they certainly display both my skill and personality.
I have a lily on my left hand and I love it every time I look at it. Right now it runs parallel to a cat scratch from the cat who has recently decided to love me.
Take a moment. Look at yourself. Know yourself. Your body is yours. Don't focus on the marks and imperfections as being bad, consider them as your story, as your uniqueness, as part of what makes you you.
My arms end in a reflection of my mother's hands. When I look at them, I see her, though her hands were thinner and more worn. It's always bittersweet because while I love the memory of her, I hate the memory of how much she disliked my softness. Perhaps this is why my palms are so different. My palm that reflects my outside fate tells one story. The palm that reflects my inside love for myself tells a better one.
My fingernails vex me as much as my hair often does. They're often jagged and uneven, but when I paint them, they certainly display both my skill and personality.
I have a lily on my left hand and I love it every time I look at it. Right now it runs parallel to a cat scratch from the cat who has recently decided to love me.
Take a moment. Look at yourself. Know yourself. Your body is yours. Don't focus on the marks and imperfections as being bad, consider them as your story, as your uniqueness, as part of what makes you you.
Wednesday, August 1, 2018
Skillsets
This post rambles. TL:DR version: Childhood gives you the skillsets you use as an adult, even if that skillset is flawed. You just have to accept this and work with what you got.
My roommate wrote about being a kid and living with this sense of unwantedness, of being a burden. I get that. I often believe that the best foundation for a home is a commonality of raising. Ours may be a common childhood of pain and loneliness, but it helps to ground us.
There are moments of miscommunication, of course. After a lifetime of being the subject of other people's blame and the focus of their anger, I still have twinges of fear and the need to retreat when he's angry about something. Or when something breaks. Or when things just don't go correctly. Hell one time the neighbors were robbed and when they told us about it, I wondered if they thought it was me. Please. I probably couldn't make it to their yard without passing out. Still, when you're the accused party a lot, it's difficult to move past that.
Someone posted this Christian woman talking about how wrong it is to focus on self-love. Fuck her. It's so easy for people who have been loved all their lives to not grasp the importance of self-acceptance and self-love. Whatever.
Here is the conclusion I came to as an adult. When I was a kid, even into my teen years, actually, even into my 20s, I struggled, grasped, needed someone else to love me, to give me validation, acceptance. But as I got older, I learned that wasn't needed. Are there people who love me? Actually, yes. And I'm grateful for that. However, their love is not the foundation on which I've built my self-identity. That's me. It can only be on me because at any given moment, everyone else could die or disappear.
When we're kids, the adults teach us the skills we'll use to get by as adults. Sometimes they teach us those skills through active parenting. Other times, they teach us things through neglect.
I learned to patch things when they're broken and you can't afford to fix them. I learned this because there was always SO MUCH DRAMA when something would break, I learned it was best to just sort it out as I could and not mention it was broken. I learned to entertain myself because everyone else was paying attention to anything but me. I learned to slide through the rough moments, shutting down if I had to, using distraction otherwise. I learned to daydream, to fantasize. Even if the practical part of me knew the fantasy would never happen, I'd still allow myself to do it, because it helped me get through the moments.
I had this crappy job right out of college. I hated it, but it was the job I got so I would go, endure my crazy boss, and try my best not to make waves. When I was alone, I would console myself by looking through the catalog for the office supply store and design out my dream office. What if I had tons of money and could just get whatever I wanted? While my boss was in there being an awful person, I'd focus on the dream office and just let it ride. It was the best way to keep myself sane.
Some people would say that was irresponsible. Some people would say my need to zone out, play in my fantasy worlds, and pursuit of self-love are stupid. Let them. This is how I'm staying alive. This is what I choose.
My roommate wrote about being a kid and living with this sense of unwantedness, of being a burden. I get that. I often believe that the best foundation for a home is a commonality of raising. Ours may be a common childhood of pain and loneliness, but it helps to ground us.
There are moments of miscommunication, of course. After a lifetime of being the subject of other people's blame and the focus of their anger, I still have twinges of fear and the need to retreat when he's angry about something. Or when something breaks. Or when things just don't go correctly. Hell one time the neighbors were robbed and when they told us about it, I wondered if they thought it was me. Please. I probably couldn't make it to their yard without passing out. Still, when you're the accused party a lot, it's difficult to move past that.
Someone posted this Christian woman talking about how wrong it is to focus on self-love. Fuck her. It's so easy for people who have been loved all their lives to not grasp the importance of self-acceptance and self-love. Whatever.
Here is the conclusion I came to as an adult. When I was a kid, even into my teen years, actually, even into my 20s, I struggled, grasped, needed someone else to love me, to give me validation, acceptance. But as I got older, I learned that wasn't needed. Are there people who love me? Actually, yes. And I'm grateful for that. However, their love is not the foundation on which I've built my self-identity. That's me. It can only be on me because at any given moment, everyone else could die or disappear.
When we're kids, the adults teach us the skills we'll use to get by as adults. Sometimes they teach us those skills through active parenting. Other times, they teach us things through neglect.
I learned to patch things when they're broken and you can't afford to fix them. I learned this because there was always SO MUCH DRAMA when something would break, I learned it was best to just sort it out as I could and not mention it was broken. I learned to entertain myself because everyone else was paying attention to anything but me. I learned to slide through the rough moments, shutting down if I had to, using distraction otherwise. I learned to daydream, to fantasize. Even if the practical part of me knew the fantasy would never happen, I'd still allow myself to do it, because it helped me get through the moments.
I had this crappy job right out of college. I hated it, but it was the job I got so I would go, endure my crazy boss, and try my best not to make waves. When I was alone, I would console myself by looking through the catalog for the office supply store and design out my dream office. What if I had tons of money and could just get whatever I wanted? While my boss was in there being an awful person, I'd focus on the dream office and just let it ride. It was the best way to keep myself sane.
Some people would say that was irresponsible. Some people would say my need to zone out, play in my fantasy worlds, and pursuit of self-love are stupid. Let them. This is how I'm staying alive. This is what I choose.
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