Comfort

For some reason, today my mind sent me into a memory tizzy about my many embarrassing and failing moments in middle school.

One of those happened when I was at a band contest. We had to dress formally for the performance and this meant my fat self would be standing around in shoes with high heels. I did my best to handle this. It was cold outside, so I borrowed my grandmother's black dress boots. It would give me a thicker heel and more ankle support. It was a good idea, but it wasn't enough. The strain on my feet was murder and I ended up removing the shoes as we were still in line to play. I felt like an utter fat little loser.

Later today, I read this article about how women's clothing takes a physical and emotional toll on the women who opt to participate in the conventional feminine way of dressing. As I read it, I thought about how I have no memories of what music we played or how well we did. I don't know what happened before or after that performance. But I can vividly recall the pain my feet were in and the pain my mind was in as I struggled to take them off or not.

The thing is, I now realize this situation, while embarrassing, was not really a failure on my part. I could have dressed comfortably but still looked formal enough. The problem wasn't me or society or shoes or anything besides just me not understanding how to advocate for my own comfort.

I wish as a kid I would have known how to communicate with those around me 'this doesn't work for me so let's look for other solutions.' I wish I could have pointed out that hose left my inner thighs bloody, that flats would leave blisters, that shirts needed to be longer so they wouldn't ride up due to my boobs, that pants needed to be bigger because they were digging into my belly so much it would leave cuts.

All of this stuff was embarrassing because almost all of it was due to the fact that I was fat. The thing is, they KNEW I was fat. It wasn't like me reminding them of it would suddenly place the idea in their heads. I had different clothing needs than other people.

When it comes to your own comfort, as it is with your own safety, you need to communicate with the people around you about what works for you. You can't assume they will know, especially if you come in a category they're not used to. Speak up. Say what you need. Say what doesn't work. You have a right to go through life with the tools that work for you.