Skillsets

This post rambles. TL:DR version: Childhood gives you the skillsets you use as an adult, even if that skillset is flawed. You just have to accept this and work with what you got.


My roommate wrote about being a kid and living with this sense of unwantedness, of being a burden. I get that. I often believe that the best foundation for a home is a commonality of raising. Ours may be a common childhood of pain and loneliness, but it helps to ground us.

There are moments of miscommunication, of course. After a lifetime of being the subject of other people's blame and the focus of their anger, I still have twinges of fear and the need to retreat when he's angry about something. Or when something breaks. Or when things just don't go correctly. Hell one time the neighbors were robbed and when they told us about it, I wondered if they thought it was me. Please. I probably couldn't make it to their yard without passing out. Still, when you're the accused party a lot, it's difficult to move past that.

Someone posted this Christian woman talking about how wrong it is to focus on self-love. Fuck her. It's so easy for people who have been loved all their lives to not grasp the importance of self-acceptance and self-love. Whatever.

Here is the conclusion I came to as an adult. When I was a kid, even into my teen years, actually, even into my 20s, I struggled, grasped, needed someone else to love me, to give me validation, acceptance. But as I got older, I learned that wasn't needed. Are there people who love me? Actually, yes. And I'm grateful for that. However, their love is not the foundation on which I've built my self-identity. That's me. It can only be on me because at any given moment, everyone else could die or disappear.

When we're kids, the adults teach us the skills we'll use to get by as adults. Sometimes they teach us those skills through active parenting. Other times, they teach us things through neglect.

I learned to patch things when they're broken and you can't afford to fix them. I learned this because there was always SO MUCH DRAMA when something would break, I learned it was best to just sort it out as I could and not mention it was broken. I learned to entertain myself because everyone else was paying attention to anything but me. I learned to slide through the rough moments, shutting down if I had to, using distraction otherwise. I learned to daydream, to fantasize. Even if the practical part of me knew the fantasy would never happen, I'd still allow myself to do it, because it helped me get through the moments.

I had this crappy job right out of college. I hated it, but it was the job I got so I would go, endure my crazy boss, and try my best not to make waves. When I was alone, I would console myself by looking through the catalog for the office supply store and design out my dream office. What if I had tons of money and could just get whatever I wanted? While my boss was in there being an awful person, I'd focus on the dream office and just let it ride. It was the best way to keep myself sane.

Some people would say that was irresponsible. Some people would say my need to zone out, play in my fantasy worlds, and pursuit of self-love are stupid. Let them. This is how I'm staying alive. This is what I choose.