Unexpected Mercy

My roommate got a letter on Monday informing him he would be reviewed over something. It made him understandably panicked. This review didn't happen until today. It was over the phone, but even though he didn't have to go anywhere, it was still nervewracking.

When the reviewer realized I would need this done as well, she asked if I just wanted to get mine over with. I was not sure for like half a second, then realized this was for the best. Actually, it was a major perk for me.

This way, I got to deal with the issue without having to suffer through the days of dread leading up to it. Even when you know things are on the level, it's still terrifying when it's something that is this important. I was spared that hell and I'm very thankful for it.

Lights

We have these secondary lights in our living room, small lights that only add illumination to very limited areas. However, when we turned them on last night, I noticed a significant improvement in our evening.

People brush the idea off, but light really does play a huge factor in our emotional well being during the winter. Maybe that stems from generations of people who kept warm by firelight. Maybe not having enough light makes us start to panic because our bodies associate it with warmth. This is more than just the benefits we get from the sun because people find happiness and contentment in flickering candlelight or twinkling Christmas lights.

One lamp in our living room adds brightness behind the TV. It made a vast difference in that corner, one that improved things for both of us. We forgot to turn it on tonight, but I hope we do so in the future. It could help keep the winter blues away.

Winter Blah

Ughhh. The winter drear is just really getting to me today. It's dark, wet, and cold. It's making me tired. The cure to this seems to be petting cats and drinking warm things. It's the best I can do today.

Satisfaction

Recently someone posted a link to this blog where a former New Age guru who has turned Christian talked about all the evil things you can find in non-Christian belief systems. The post was predictably fearmongering, stupid, and culturally insensitive but she did make one valid point.

Well, kind of. She never exactly came out and STATED this because as someone who used to make money off New Age merch and now is trying to make money off Christianity, she didn't exactly want to say the truth.

People spend money on things and expect those things to make them feel spiritually whole. However, spending money isn't how feeling whole works. Now this isn't going to be a post where I rant against money. Money is a tool we have to work with. But it's just that. It's just a tool. Spending a lot of it isn't going to help you feel better. It may help to get some of the resources you can use in ways that will get you there, but most people never take those steps.

I'm not going to pretend to be enlightened (by any means) and I'm not going to say I have all the answers to feeling spiritually sound. If you read the blog (hi, 7 faithful readers!) then you know I have my very dark days. I also, however, have very good moments. I have had moments when I felt very complete.

These moments have always centered around creativity. Finishing a project. Even finishing part of it. Completing a task. Solving a problem in a way that used my creative skills. In these moments, I have felt very spiritually whole. I have felt very good.

Now, if my depression is bad, this won't work, but that is a time of chemical imbalance so honestly nothing is working. However, one of the ways I can pull myself out of the funk of depression is to look at things other people have created. That usually gives me the same feeling of soul satisfaction. It restores my faith in what we can accomplish as a species.

So next time you're feeling empty, instead of buying something, make something. If you don't need that something, donate it to someone who does. Allow that feeling of creativity to sustain you. If you have a problem in your life, instead of buying something new to fix it, take inventory of what you already have that could solve the problem for you. You save money AND get to use your skills. Don't feed the system. Feed your soul. 

Just our Luck

The hand-me-down tv we were given has decided to die. I have Christmas money left so we're going to get another one. I'm not happy about this, but I guess it's always the luck of the draw when you get a used product....or even a new one, actually. Sigh

Quick Month

It's already the 24th of the month. I'm shocked by that. It's going by so quickly. Normally January seems to last forever, but not this time. Hopefully, the next two months will fly by as well and we'll hit a nice Spring.

I mean, I'm not looking forward to the heat, but last Spring was SO GOOD for me. My mental issues somehow just leveled out and I was mellow and happy for weeks. It was just the best thing. Maybe I can get a repeat of that.

In the meantime, the blanket is going well. Tomorrow we have some errands and I need to do some folding of things. I'm hoping for a good night's sleep under the former electric blanket to help me handle all the Friday stuff.

Blip

Quick post. It's cold and I'm very tired. I have a lot of thoughts swirling around, ones that will lead to posts soon, but not tonight. Tonight, I just need to relax and recover some strength.

Old Blankets

I'm basically making a blanket right now and I shouldn't. I have tons of blankets. I'm doing it anyway because I feel that's what the yarn wants to be and what I want it to be. It's also helping me handle my depression.

Speaking of blankets (and having so many of them), I put another one on my bed today because I've been getting cold at night. This blanket is a true testament to my grandmother and the way she shaped me. It used to be an electric blanket. My grandparents kept quite a few of those around because they didn't heat the house at night and it was a way to keep warm without dying.

They had a lot of thoughts about electric blankets. I wasn't supposed to use them because they thought the heat and wiring would mess up my ovaries and keep me from having children. Sometimes they would turn them on a few hours before going to bed so their beds would be warm when they decided to sleep. They also knew they were probably fire hazards, but risked it anyway.

Once the electric part of the blankets no longer worked, my grandmother would cut the attachments away from the blankets and fish out the wires. The blankets would still be used, of course, as they were more or less still perfectly good blankets. She didn't throw them away.

And of course, I'm not throwing this thing away either, even though it has little u-shaped holes in it where she cut things away from it. I'll probably have to be buried with all of these blankets.

1989

I watched Atomic Blonde this weekend. I loved it, but something about it was making me profoundly sad. The sadness lingered past the movie and last night it hit me what it was.

That year, 1989, was the last time I really felt truly positive about the world. This was the year the Berlin Wall fell. It seemed like we won the Cold War. It seemed like all the Communism was going to admit failure and go away. In my naivety, I thought things were just about to get so much better.

That wasn't the case. The fall of Communism unleashed chaos in the Easter Block states. Civil wars, destruction, genocide, rise and fall of dictators, and all other assorted hells began and in some cases really never ended. People suffered under communism and suffered more when it pulled away.

I bet people felt that same kind of hope after WWII. They thought that ending Hitler would make things better without understanding what allowing the USSR to take so much of Europe would do to it. The problem is that even when you end something evil, good doesn't just show up and rule. Other evil is always looking for ways to worm its way in. That's the nature of humans, I guess.

I missed that feeling I had in 1989, that moment of security and hope about the state of the world, the state of the human race. I guess I was just at that age where it all seemed possible. I can safely say I have never had that feeling again.

First Snow of the Year

It snowed. I didn't go out and look at it. I'm such a killjoy about snow. I mean, it's pretty but all I can think of is how difficult it makes driving and walking. I'm glad some people enjoy it, I'm just not one of them. I'm doing my best not to be a sour old bitch about their enjoyment.

Though when my roommate was holding the door open encouraging me to look at the snow, I was rather short in saying, "I don't care. Shut the door!" It was seriously cold though.

Doing bands on the blanket is starting to take longer. I'll be on the same color for days from now on. I guess it's kind of a blessing that even though I know I'll be on the same bands, I'm to the point of having to switch colors more often due to the size, so at least I'm not going to go insane trying to deal with just one color.

I hope everyone stays warm. Snow. Bah.

Weird Yarn

If you ever start working with yarn, one of the things you need to remember about it is that it's all different. Yarn may be from the same dye lot, even the same weight, but completely different in texture. This is true even if you purchase it at the same time. Actually, it may be different for expensive yarn, but I never really get that.

Other things can affect it as well. If you store your yarn in a dusty area, the dust will alter the texture of the yarn. To be honest, I really like the way dusty yarn feels, probably because that's what I'm most used to.

If you find yourself working on a project where you're using a lot of various bits and pieces of yarn, accept that it's all going to work differently. You may need to alter your gauge depending on how the yarn behaves with everything else, otherwise, it may throw the project off.

Don't worry about this. Just keep it in mind as you work and accept it as part of the unpredictable aspect to your project and adjust as much as you can.

Baskets

My roommate found some old baskets we've had since the last place we lived. He asked me if I could use them and showed me how they could fit into a cubby on my shelf. I didn't think they could, but my spacial sense is wonky. Anyway, I switched things around from what I was using to those baskets and it made everything so much better.

My best friend asked me tonight how the organizing was going. I told her it was slow, but what we'd changed continued to maintain integrity, which is always an important part of any organization project. If things just go back to being a big mess, you really accomplished nothing. In this case, things are actually working better.

I'm also happy that we're using things we already had instead of buying more. Now, the caveat here is that I do have two new storage items (the one under my monitor and my side table), but both of those were gifts and not things I bought myself. The only purchases we've made involved buying a new faucet set for the kitchen, but that is more of a house maintenance issue than part of the organization. It makes the house better, but it wasn't part of the plan.

Mind you, plumbing rarely is.

Progress

The plumber came today. He was supposed to show up yesterday, but plumbers, man. They never show up on time. He showed up today and fixed the sink. Now we have a better sink situation and that is a good thing.

This is one more bit of progress for the house.  Yay!

Goal Update

So my goals for the year were to organize my desk area and to use up things I've been keeping around for years. We're a couple of weeks into the new year and I thought I'd assess how I'm doing.

Organization: I'm doing well here. So far my desk rearranging is retaining integrity. I had to find some sticks today and they were a lot easier to locate than they would have been in the old setup. I didn't feel frustrated and defeated when the task was finished.

Right now, my main problem with my desk involves a couple of solutions I did a while back to keep cables and headphones reasonably organized. My new chair is making that solution rather unworkable. I need to suss out some new solution for that.

Using Things: I have managed to use through two of my gifts from Christmas and I'm working steadily on one of the infinite chapsticks I've stashed around me. I also repurposed some old empty kitchen storage. It's being used now instead of just taking up space.

Look, I know it's just a couple of weeks into the year, but honestly, for me, this is a major level of continued goalkeeping. I am proud.

TV Stuff

The roommate and I have been watching Sabrina on Netflix. I'm pleased with it. The aunts are delightfully funny and the overall tone of the season is good. I find some of it hokey, but I guess that's just the nature of the tone the show is trying to set.

They also posted that the last season of Game of Thrones will begin on April 14th. There was a small teaser with it. I have to admit, I felt a bit excited.

A Dad Story

I talked to my dad the other day and he told me about one of his crazy musician friends. As someone who has been in bands since he was a teen, my dad has A LOT of crazy musician friend stories.

This dude was an addict, who got off on three things. 1. Vodka. 2. Controlling how much vodka was in his system. 3. Petty theft. Dad said he would purchase the largest bottle of vodka he could. That was part of his ritual. Massive amount of vodka buying and then this strict adherence to how much of it he would consume in a day. This amount would be enough to get drunk, but not so much that he got sick levels of drunk and then puked. This sounds crazy, but not as crazy as the stealing part.

Ol Boy loved to steal but realized early on that he really didn't want to be bothered with fencing off stolen goods, so he decided he would only steal small amounts of things. He would steal candy from closed candy dishes. He would steal cans of soup he assumed no one really wanted. Sometimes when music work was slow, he would get jobs at rest homes and steal change from the patients.  It wasn't about the stuff, so much as it was just the act of stealing.

Jan Assessment

So far, this year has been weird. The government is shut down. A lot of things are in flux. It's wet and gray. I'm in a fairly good mood.

I planned out my next phase of my blanket. I'm rather excited about it, to be honest. This blanket is turning out more lovely than I thought it would, but I suppose that makes sense. I believe yarn WANTS to be something.

I got new headphones today. I needed them because the old ones were dying and dead. The new ones have a slight design on them and they're cute.

Work in Progress

I started my next row on the blanket. It's the last variegated row I'll be doing until the very end. The next section will have a different kind of thing going on, then it will end, as it started, with the variegated. This will be several weeks away, of course.

I'm glad I'm doing it. It's making me happy to just work on my little ten stitches at a time. It's also helping me to get better because it's a continuous practice of your basic knit stitch. It's been good for my mental health.

I think that's the best think about this technique. It's easy to learn and it's a constant repeat. The only complicated part involve short rows and they're technically not difficult, you just have to pay attention to your count.

Impostor Syndrome

In my knitting group, someone posted a pic of their working ten stitch blanket and invited others to do the same. I didn't post mine, though I had this delightful urge to. I stopped myself and I wish I hadn't, but I seriously doubt I'll be able to make myself do it.

See, as much as I love my yarn groups and support the people who post their work, I have never posted my own. I get super shy about it or just make excuses like how my camera isn't that good or this is just a throwaway project to use up yarn. The truth is though, I never feel like my work ranks with the groups.

I mean, it isn't that good, but that shouldn't matter. My work doesn't have to be beautiful or perfect. That isn't even ever the POINT of what I'm doing. But still, I shy away posting t the groups, even though I'll even post on my own page.

Stupid impostor syndrome.

Shoulders

Tomorrow will be two weeks since Christmas Day when I injured my arms and shoulders. I was reminded of this very keenly today as I folded towels. Even though things are better than they were, by the time I was finished, both upper arms were on fire. It took quite a while for them to calm down and I never got completely comfortable afterward. Still, it's good that the towels are folded.

Given how much pain I was in the day after the movie, I know there has been progress. In a couple of weeks, they should be back to normal. I can knit now and do most stuff, just not everything I can usually do.

Old Papers

Today my roommate decided to go through the file cabinets and remove all the stuff that we no longer needed. I thought this was just going to be a few things. I was SO wrong.

We had a massive amount of unneeded stuff lurking in there! Things we'd just kept for years. By the time he was finished, the stack was high. It will be removed from the house in due time.

It just goes to show how easily things can pile up. It made me think, again, about how almost all rooms in the house have items that serve no purpose other than just taking up space. The less of that we can have, the better off we'll feel.

I mean, I can't even see into the file cabinets but I still feel better knowing they're organized now.

Organization Update

I did some basic organizing this week that will hopefully lead to more structured organizing soon. I have things in the general location I want them to be, now to fine tune that and get them in exact and most useful spots. Some areas haven't been tackled as of yet and some won't be until I have a bit more strength back in my arms. For now, things are going well. It's just going to have to just be a little at a time.

In the coming week, we're sorting through our paperwork for the year and getting all of that as organized as possible.

Pro tip as you age: I'm sure you've noticed that as you age, you begin to forget more things. When it comes to things like paperwork, it's a good idea to occasionally go through it, remind yourself where things are, and maybe make a note of that someplace you'll look. It saves time later on.

Anyway, the weekend will hopefully be quiet and peaceful. The cats are sleeping a lot due to the weather. Not having them underfoot is helping us get organized in a much less frustrating fashion.

Protection

The first of the year seems to be about maintenance for us. Today we had the breaks fixed on the van and paid some bills. Tomorrow we'll be shopping. The weather is gray on gray and it's making me sleepy. I napped in my chair today with a very happy cat sleeping on my lap. It was so nice.

I'm still maintaining good mental chemicals. I think this is because I've been editing what I'll see on FB. People who just post about drama, politics, or negativity are being snoozed. People who post about their lives, interests, crafts, and other positive things are kept.

I don't feel bad about this. People have the right to post what they want. I also have the right to not have to deal with it. I'm not stopping them, but I'm doing my best not to let them affect me.

When I was a kid, I had no choice in this matter. My grandmother and mother were always negative and wanted to just bombard you with their poison. Even when I felt awful already, I couldn't stop them. Trying to even say something as simple as "I don't want to talk about that" would be met with A LOT of anger. Trying to say "I'm not in the mood to discuss with you" would be cause for hours of drama. And people never seem to get the hint that you just want them to shut up.

So as an adult, I'm doing my best to keep away from that. It's not so bad when I'm mentally and emotionally fine, but in times like this, it's just not happening. Needless to say, I now see a lot of posts about yarn projects and people's meals. I'm okay with that.

Yearly Ritual Evaluation

My roommate and I were both raised by grandparents who lived through the Great Depression. This has a large influence on a lot of the things we do. For instance, we hate to get rid of things. We turn food containers into storage. We repurpose items for new uses (such as a computer desk that is now a sewing center). We also keep things around 'just in case' we need them. Mostly, this involves boxes.

I mean, you never know when you may need a box so it IS a good idea to keep them around. The problem is that we both have medical supplies that arrive in boxes so by the time we get to our yearly 'remove the boxes from the house' ritual, we have A LOT of boxes to deal with.

This year, as we were working through the process of dismantling the boxes, he commented that we never do actually use ANY of those boxes for anything, and he's right. There really is no point in hoarding boxes for a whole year and letting them dominate the larger portion of a storage room.

We pay our water bill by the paper recycling bins in our town. The best solution here is to simply alter the yearly ritual to a monthly one. When we go to pay water, we'll deal with the boxes at the same time. It isn't out of our way and helps us to have more room in the house.

NYD

I ate my blackeyed peas today. I knitted. I did some reorganizing in my room and in my area of the living room. I napped. I talked to my roommate. I worried about a very ill friend. I gave comfort to the cats.

I also found out about a neat project that a lot of people who work in yarn arts start on New Year's Day. It's called a Temperature Blanket. You can read about it here. I can't start this year, as I have other projects, but next year I may try to do it.

Five years ago, I stated that I wanted my new year to be one of purging and ended up almost bleeding to death from my uterus and then had to have it removed. Ever since then, I've been careful about how I phrase things on New Year's Day.

With that in mind, I want this year to be one where I savor things. I want to really love my cats and love my art. I want to laugh and nuzzle and spin stories to entertain others. I want to make lots of good decisions that lead to good results.

I also want to get through my stash of yarn.