Cool Morning

Even though it was hotter today than anticipated,  the morning hours were nice and cool. This is a welcome change from the thick insistent humidity we've had for weeks now. It was nice to just bask in the comfort of a cooler morning. 

I hope this is a trend. It would be nice for September to actually start cooling down like it used to. The last several years, September has basically been the fourth month of summerhell. I'd like to see it go back to its roots.

Clarity

In the process of trying to change my mental picture about how I approach food, I'm trying affirmations. I've never done them before and quite frankly as it's clear my fitness failures stem from mental blocks, this seems like a good place (one of the many I'm exploring) to try and change things.

One of the affirmations is as follows:

I have clarity about my fitness goals.

This one really stood out to me. I think I've had VAGUE and abstract and handwavey ideas about my fitness goals before, but never actual clarity. Like, right now, I can tell you at least three goals concerning my fitness that I try to achieve every day. They're small things, but they do exist and on most days I make them happen. 

When I started this, I looked for something I actually COULD do successfully. I settled on college. I made that happen. I remember college worked because it was a series of clear and achievable goals. There was the large goal of 'Get the Degree,' but then smaller goals like 'complete  the semester' or 'work on that paper.' 

Right now, my goals involve movement, better eating, and a daily evaluation of my thoughts about this process. In a few months, I think there will be more things happening in terms of the mental part of this, but right now, my focus is on accomplishing these three things. 

The Thing Holding You

Last night I talked about how you shouldn't be lead by anger, fear, and sadness. I want to clarify a couple of points. 

First of all, sometimes you WILL be lead by these emotions. There will be times when they will be all you CAN feel because the situation warrants it. Sometimes things happen and your grief or anger or fear will become a part of you that never really goes away. I am aware of this. I have parts of me that are marked by these things. 

However, if you can (and I realize sometimes this is a complex process), you should try other things as well. You deserve MORE in life than just being angry or hurt or scared. You deserve happiness too. You deserve contentment. You deserve joy.

And again, I'm not saying you should force those positive elements. The thing is though, often when we are lead by anger or fear or sadness, we don't really let other emotions filter into our awareness. Even in situations where we could feel happiness, we don't. Sometimes even when we should feel anger or sadness, we don't. 

And sometimes there are chemical imbalances that cause this. It's certainly something you should explore. It's something I explored and I'm glad I did. I learned a lot about how to manage myself. I get to feel happy now and I'm grateful for that.

Brain Battles

Despite my best efforts, I've been trying to fight back paranoia the last several days. I can feel it lurking at the edges of my mind. It's annoying, especially considering I've been actively fighting the negative places my brain often wants to go. 

I think I've learned enough to understand happiness isn't always an option. I'll also never say that anger, sadness, and fear don't have a vital place in our minds. They are needed for a variety of reasons. 

The problem is, far too many people let those three emotions guide them. They let grief or rejection overwhelm them. They stay in such a fearful state that they either hide away or try to bluff others into believing they're tough (rarely works). Some people start getting angry about things before the thing even happens. They rant about how many things can go wrong and then when the thing does happen, it never lives up to whatever expectations they decided to have, meaning they don't really have an experience, they just have a reaction. This isn't the way to live a full life.

Mind you, fake perkiness isn't the way either. Before I understood what toxic positivity was, I was guilty of trying to push it. I don't anymore. No one should feel positive when they flat out don't feel positive. 

However, in my current case, there is no reason to be fearful or sad or angry. I can be content. My brain is just trying to work against me. I won't let it.

Silky Silky Silky

I'm not happy with All Stars.  Silky won so many of those battles. For her to lose at the end was just wrong. But, it is what it is. I'm proud of her. She bested a lot of people and it was glorious. She impressed me in a way that she didn't on her regular season. 

I hope people give her the props she deserves.

On Consideration

So I've been thinking about the question I posed last night. DO I think I deserve to be healthy. 

For most of my life, for most of the time, I'm quite certain the answer is no. No. I do not think I deserve to be healthy. 

Here are two of the reasons why. One leads into the other. 

The first reason had to do with the perspective I most often approach weight loss with. Most often when I would start trying to do the things needed to lose weight, it was always about anything OTHER than me. Fear. Getting people off my back. Shame. Maybe sometimes spite. Approval. It was rarely about 'hey I have a body and it deserves optimum function' or anything practical like that. So even from the start, my reasons weren't rooted in anything practical or sustainable. Rooting a big process of changing your life can NOT be based on emotions. Emotions change. 

Second of all, and this one stems from the first one, I believe I don't deserve this because I have, for almost 50 years now, FAILED to make it happen. Because I continue to not only fail but also to make the situation worse, I don't deserve for it to get better. And why would I think I did deserve that, as it is impossible for me to MAKE it happen? So, again, basically, shame. 

Okay so......more often than not, I felt ashamed about my weight and tried to lose weight but failed to continue to lose weight because sustaining my want to do so in shame didn't work because eventually, I would get over the sense of shame and just stop what I was doing. Uggghh. This is just a bad way to live one's life. It needs to stop. 
 

The Lifelong Question

I'm still fat. Why? I know the steps I need to take to NOT be fat. Why don't I take them? One of the things that they always talk about in affirmation lists is how you need to believe you DESERVE to be in good health.

Do I believe I don't deserve it? Is it that simple? Not that this concept is simple. It's a rather disturbing idea if true. Is it true though? 

I need to explore this.

August Winding Down

This was the first month since Biden was elected that felt like it stretched out forever. I'm sure this has to do with the devastating news happening here at home and around the world. 

I think extremism, in all of its forms, is the most potent and dangerous addiction in the world. Once people are radicalized, it seems there is little to be done to change their hearts and minds. They feed off of the extremism and will do anything for it, even when it's very obviously wrong. Even when it will cost them their lives. 

On a lighter note, my grapes came in. I love them.

Good Reading Weekend

I read a lot of really good stuff this weekend. Quite a few people posted new installments of their ongoing work and all of the installments were great. I also read a few shorter works that I really enjoyed. Banner weekend for my fiction. 

And when you have good things to read, how can your weekend be bad? I'm even willing to forgive that boring ass Mortal Kombat movie. 

The Neighbors Again

It's past ten and the neighbor is using power tools. Again, this seems to be A THING with the people who live in that house. For some reason, fire and noise are a constant for them.

It's super annoying. I'm glad I have headphones.

The Step Before

They say you need to love yourself and I don't disagree. I think loving yourself helps you a lot in the path of life. Do I love myself. 

Sometimes. 

Love is complicated, you know? 

I think there is a step before loving yourself and that step is where I'm trying to be right now. I think before you can love yourself, you need to know who you are. I think loving yourself requires you being honest with yourself. It requires you to see the truth of the person you are and finding the patience to accept that person, nourish that person, and enjoy that person. 

I think a lot of the time people, me included, think that 'loving yourself' means just one time saying you do. But it's more than that. Loving yourself is a process. It requires analysis and realistic consideration balanced by gentleness and forbearance. 

Sometimes loving yourself means admitting you just won't be able to accomplish something and accepting that. Sometimes loving yourself means you CAN accomplish something but it's going to take the rest of your life to make that happen. 

Sometimes loving yourself is just getting enough sleep.

Sun Kissed

Sometimes I deny myself something for so long I forget I'm doing it. Sometimes I deny myself something for so long I forget to even analyze why I'm doing it. This is the sort of thing that needs to change in my life. 

For years and years, I have not left the house without covering my shoulders and upper arms. I could say it is because I worried about sun damage but that isn't really true. 

I did it because I was ashamed of my own choices. I wasn't strong enough to just own who and what I am. I'm a fat woman with fat arms and fat shoulders. Also I guess I for some reason thought no one would notice when I had sleeves on?

Something?

Anyway, so yesterday, it was hot as hell. I went out with just a tank on. My shoulders, for the first time in years, got to be exposed to the sun. And they vibrated. My shoulders and my upper arms felt like they were singing because of the warmth and attention. It felt amazing. I felt beautiful. I loved it.

That isn't to say I'll go sleeveless every day of summer now, but when I feel like it, I certainly won't deny myself.

There is always this push toward self-care and loving yourself. I think a lot of this is market-driven and it gets very overwhelming. Sometimes the best way to show yourself love isn't to DO something so much as to stop denying yourself something. Sometimes you just need ten minutes of the sun kissing your skin.

Neighbor's Obsession

For some reason, I always have this neighbor who wants to burn toxic-smelling stuff at night. It's not always the same neighbor. I think it's been a series of Neighbor Woman's Husband, then Boyfriend, then maybe Other Husband, now Son. But always, always, they feel the need to burn stuff. It smells horrible. 

To be honest, I'm not even sure if it's him tonight. I don't see the fire. However, someone around here is burning something because I smell smoke and awfulness. 

I don't think it's the house. 

I guess time will tell.

The Grapes

My dad used to be an antique dealer. When he and my mother divorced, I was five and didn't handle it very well. To console me, he gave me a small set of jade grapes. I loved them deeply. In fact, they became the physical symbol of my love for my father. 

The jade grapes were AN ISSUE with my mother and grandmother. My mother viewed them as some kind of betrayal of her and insisted they be kept on the mantle. She said they needed to be out of my reach because I would just break them like I did everything else. While the point was valid (I was a small child and small children break things), I knew she mostly hated them because I connected them with my dad. I would pull a chair from the dining room into the living room and stand on it so I could touch them. 

My grandmother hated them because she felt like I was devoting some level of blasphemous attention to them. One day she caught me talking to them, saying "I love you" and stuff like that. She didn't realize I was talking to my dad. The grapes just represented him. I tried to explain this and somehow that made it worse.

The next year, our house was burned. I never saw the grapes again. I wanted to dig through the rubble and see if they survived, but I wasn't allowed. I was sent away to stay with various relatives while things were handled. If my grapes survived, I was never told. And given everyone's reactions to them, I'm guessing they wouldn't have saved them for me anyway.

Today, I bought myself a new set of jade grapes. 

More Complaining

Today the company was nice, but the rest of it sucked. It was so very humid and my stomach was a mess. There was a small reprieve of rain for like an hour, then it went back to being miserable. 

Tonight I really can't let the cat sit on me anymore. I'm just teetering on the edge of a hot flash and I think she'll push me over said edge. 

Not Purrfect

I've tried to be in an emotionally good place, but the last two days, the cat is working my nerves. First thing yesterday, she jumped onto the chair, missed it, and anchored her claw into the tender spot where my fingernail and finger meet. It bled. Now it just hurts.

As I type this, she's sitting on my chest. If I move her, she just jumps back up here and parks herself on top of my breathing tube and my headphone cord. I grew tired of having to adjust all of that so I'm letting her stay. 

At least if she's on me, she's not in front of my monitor. 

Going Up

The Covid numbers in my state are going up again. The unvaccinated are filling the hospitals, all the while screaming that the whole thing is a lie. 

Our schools are starting without mask mandates. Already a lot of kids are being sent home and quarantined. Our state government doesn't want to do anything about it because they are convinced the worse the situation gets, the more people will turn against the Democrats. I don't think they quite grasp that their obvious plan is obvious. Ugggh. 

The Country Drive

My roommate's van wasn't being driven enough, so we've started a thing on Wednesdays where we take the van out for a drive in the afternoon. We're never out for long, mostly we just make a circle through the various backroads around us and look at people's land. 

I find that I look forward to this trip. With Covid going on, and let's face it, even before then, I wasn't much for outside-of-the-house activities. The occasional visit with a friend or maybe seeing my family members was about the extent of things for me. In the last year, for quite a while, that more or less stopped.

So this little drive around the backroads is a lot of fun for me. I get to look at nature (good) without having to BE in nature (for me, bad) and it revives a little bit of my soul substance. 

Old Cat Progress

Tinkerbell is very old. We're not sure how old she is, but we do know she was an adult before we moved here and that was 12 or so years ago. She didn't handle last summer well and we were afraid this summer might be her last.

However, this year she's doing pretty well. My roommate has changed up how the cats get their food and she's eating a lot better. Her fur looks healthy. She's interactive and emotionally connected with both of us. She spends a lot of the day either in his room looking out the window or hanging out with me. At night, she's sleeping in his room again.

Summer can be difficult on kitties. Keeping the temperature decent is necessary, but it's important to make sure the cats thrive in other ways too. Right now, despite her age, Tinkerbell seems to be thriving.

Considering

I bet it is pretty much every day now that I think about wireless earbuds. I know there are a lot of reasons NOT to get them. They're expensive. I could easily lose them. In many cases, the quality isn't super great.

However.....

Daily, DAILY, I fight with my chords. Daily, the cat manages to pull my headphones out of the jack. Daily, I manage to drop them on the floor and slide the footing of my desk over them. Or they get stuck somewhere else. Or the cat is laying on them. It's just such a hassle.

The thing is, I can get decent headphones for less than 20 bucks. I would have to spend a lot more on wireless ones and what if they annoy me still, just in new and different ways? That is a lot of money to spend on dissatisfaction.

Saturday Reflections

Today I mentally spent some time assessing where I am in my current goals. Things could be better, but the fact that I'm still pushing forward is progress for me. 

CountraPoints put out a video about envy. It's very thought-provoking. Envy is something I've always struggled with. I find that maturity helps me to grasp that, but it's still difficult. Recognizing envy in yourself isn't easy because there is a lot of shame and embarrassment connected to it. No one wants to admit they're envious of others. 

However, I think accepting the emotion for what it is and analyzing it as such will help me to keep the envy from festering into something worse. A lot of people start with envy and end up doing some horrible things to themselves and others. 

There are a lot of things I want to shed. Envy is one of those things.

Family Stuff

My father's father was a selfish and thoughtless man. I know you shouldn't speak ill of the dead, but I also don't think you should lie about them either. He was selfish and considered no one else when he made decisions. 

Three years after my grandfather's death, my father is still dealing with the consequences of this. It's frustrating and annoying. It's costing him money, time, and goodwill. 

My grandfather lied to my dad. He told him the farm was his when he died. He said this because he wanted my father physically invested in doing stuff at the farm. My dad would drive down there and fix fences and chop down trees and other bullshit, thinking it was an investment toward his future. It wasn't. 

My grandfather should have been honest and just said "look I can't do this thing, can you help me?" or better yet, he could have HIRED someone to do it. But no, he had to pull some scam on my dad. Mind you, this is the same man who used to take my dad to his (my grandfather's) favorite fish buffet place for his birthday. My dad is a vegetarian. 

More Sticks

Welp. 

It looks like I'll be seeing a booster shot in October because people are stupid and won't get vaccinated so the stupid virus is evolving and things may get sketchy again. Lovely.

Other than that, today was fine. It was cooler, which was nice. The cat found another place to sit for a few hours so I had some freedom. I have new sheets. 

I also have a new hoodie. I adore it and I can't wait for hoodie weather.

The Old Hotel

When I was very young, under 5, I'm sure, my grandfather used to tell me scary stories about an old abandoned hotel on top of one of the nearby mountains. I don't remember a lot of the details. I remember being scared and I think he said he used to work up there, though maybe only for a summer or so. That part certainly may have been made up.

Anyway, the hotel was supposed to have been glorious at one point. It was richly appointed and fancy people would stay there. He would tell me about that too. I have a memory of a woman in a green dress and a shining broach at her waist. But, again, that could just be something I imagined and nothing he said.

What I do know he said concerned the creepy parts. People were supposed to have been murdered there. Scandals happened. Now the hotel was in ruins and haunted by drifting ghosts in lovely outfits. 

I have confirmation from my dad that this hotel DID exist and WAS abandoned, but he couldn't confirm anything else about it. He had no idea my grandfather told me these stories. I only remember it a little bit because, after a certain age, he never talked about it again. 

I'm thinking he just told me all the ghost/scandal/murder stuff to entertain me. And that's fine. It's lovely, really. I tell kids stories to entertain them and none of that stuff is real. 

Although, I almost wish all of it WAS true and only he knew about the murders (because they were covered up) and only he had seen the ghosts. Like it was this big, weird secret in his life and he figured he had to tell someone so why not tell this little grandkid who probably wouldn't remember anyway? 

It's also an intriguing idea that there are some things we tell only ONE person and no one else. In some ways, we are a collection of stories that a lot of people would have to piece together before they could get the full picture of us.  

Amazon Show News

Okay. There is more official news on the show, plus a promotional shot. The show should be out in the month of September of 2022. 

The promotional shot is supposed to be from the first episode of the first season. And in the picture, you can see the Two Trees in the background. So, at least the first episode is going to be shot in Valinor during the time of the Trees.

There is a figure in the shot but it's difficult to tell who it is. The person is wearing white and their hair is either short or up in a bun. It's also kind of impossible to tell the gender, but given the Second Age characters who could be on this show and also saw Valinor, my guess is that we're either looking at Galadriel or Celebrimbor.

The promotional shot is the first official look they've given of really ANYTHING where the show is concerned. I'm excited, even if this is a long wait. 

Mercy

Even though today had some unpleasant moments, for the most part, it has been a relief after the last several days. We didn't have to turn on the AC and there were times when it was almost cool. 

I suspect I'll be able to sleep better tonight. Or, at the very least, the weather won't be the thing keeping me from sleep. 

That is a lovely prospect.