In all of our lives, we have wars. Sometimes these wars are the kind with other people and there is blood and killing and death. Other times, the wars are metaphorical, with metaphorical blood and killing and death. . .usually. The metaphorical wars are more common, but no less frustrating while happening and sweet when won.
One of my lifelong wars has been with pencil sharpeners. For many, many years, my art happened due to pencils of both the #2 and colored variety. Because of this, homework, and just the general life of someone who lived before computers were common, I tended to dull a lot of tips.
Because of this, pencil sharpeners became the bane of my existence. They were never sharp enough or they were the wrong size or just had some other kind of general fuckuppery about them. And when I would find a good one, somehow they would always disappear.
The main sharpener in my life as a child was a standard manual one my grandparents had screwed to the wall. It looks a lot like the one found here. I hated this thing. It was constantly dull and constantly wonky . . . as in, it would sharpen half the pencil, but somehow the other side would be all screwed up. Wall mounted sharpeners at school always bothered me as well. No fat child wants to get up and sharpen a pencil, a motion that will cause them to twist and jiggle. Any attempt to handle a dulled pencil was met by snickering laughter. Fuckers.
The little handheld ones weren't a lot better. As an artist, I've gone through millions of these. Half the time, the size was just slightly off, causing the pencils to sharpen in this kind of skewed way. The other half of the time, the body of the thing wan't stable, so after only a couple of weeks, it would break . . . usually in some way that led to me getting cut. Sometimes the blood wasn't so metaphorical.
The worst handheld ones were the little bastards used for sharpening eyeliner pencils. Oh my god, the horror. I could never get those damned things to work. I probably wasted half the pencil of liner just on trying to sharpen the damned thing. It would always end up with a jagged edge . . . not something you really want to put into your eye. The day I found eyeliner you never have to sharpen was one of the best days of my life. And I don't mean that stuff that you just liquid onto your eyelid. Until I was 30, all I could do with that shit was flood my eyeball with it, which really hurts.
From about the time I was ten, I started requesting an electric pencil sharpener for Christmas/birthday. No one took me seriously because they thought it was a stupid gift. I would try and point out to them that no, it wasn't, because I draw and have tons of pencils . . . well, you know. Still, they never listened, not for many, many years. Finally, and I'm guessing here she just couldn't think of anything else and happened to be in the office supply part of the store, my mom bought me one for Christmas/birthday.
!!!!!!
You know, my mom was never great on gifts, but I will never see that because she bought me an electric pencil sharpener. It was what I wanted. It was what I wanted for years, and it truly changed my life!
I loved everything about that sharpener. I found its putty colored plastic exterior to be dashing. I found it's loudass grinding sound to be poetic. I loved the smell of the shavings from its little dumping box. Best of all, so much the best part of all, I loved the beautiful, perfectly sharp pencils that would come from it. I loved how whenever that tip was no longer perfect, I could just stick it back into the machine and without any hassle or fuss, I got my sharp pencil back. It was so easy, so wonderful.
You know, there is some kind of sexual innuendo fueled Blues song in all of this.
Now I got me a pencil.
Need a place to sharpen the tip.
I say I got me a pencil
And I need a place to sharpen the tip.
But all my sharpeners now now now,
They can't manage to sharpen it.
I got me one mounted on the wall.
But it just left me all sideways and dull.
I got one I hold in my hand
But the results are crooked and bland.
I need me some electric power
To make my tip sharp, straight and grand.
Wow, it writes itself. Anyway, long story short, the electric pencil sharpener made my life better and now no one uses it because computers and pens. But still, I will always love it to the depths of my soul.
No comments:
Post a Comment