This Deep

I am unaccountably depressed right now.  I'm qualifying that because I quite often stay depressed, but right now, it's deeper than usual. It feels like it's in my bone marrow and I'm not quite sure how to alter it.  Sometimes with depression, you just have to ride it out. At least, when it gets this deep.

Depression like this is very isolating. I feel so out of sorts with people. I feel like all conversations are disjointed and slightly off.  I'm having trouble talking to people. Quite often when I do talk to them, I come to the end of the conversation with a need to cry.  That isn't to say that anything in the conversation itself warranted tears . . . but that hardly matters when it's this deep.

I can't sleep. I go to bed and just lay there for hours.  When I'm anxious, I'll lay in bed with my mind racing, full of worry and agitation. Eventually, I can calm myself down from it and I will sleep. When I'm really depressed, my mind does nothing. I just lay there like my ability to sleep is caught in a vice. It's like my body forgets how to sleep and it scares me. So I stay up later, which is exhausting, but at least easier than laying in bed and nothing happening forever.  Eventually, I finally do sleep, but it takes forever.  I get to where I dread nights in my bed when the depression is this deep.

When you're this depressed, you have trouble with the things you love.  I'm having trouble writing my blog. It's hard to find my creativity. It's hard to find anything amusing or fun. It's hard to remember how to just let my thoughts flow and do what they need to do. Instead I sit here staring at a blank blog. I stare at a blank word processing document. And I doubt everything I write. I think it all sounds stupid and pointless. I doubt my talent and my abilities. I doubt everything when the depression is too deep.

I'm writing this because I know I'm not the only person who gets this way. I'm pretty sure someone may even read this one night at four in the morning when their depression is so deep sleep is just GONE from them as well. And if you do, know it's okay. Remember that sometimes the depth of the depression is so so deep that you feel like you can never climb out of it.

You do climb out though. You do. We always do. It just takes some time and a little faith in the idea that things can pass.