The Good

One of the things I've learned in therapy is to recognize the days when the depression is deep and nasty. It's important to acknowledge when my brain chemistry is off because it helps me to put the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors of that day into perspective. For instance, when the depression is really bad, I have trouble even getting through a 30-minute episode of something if I know there is going to be conflict. When I'm depressed, even fake conflict is too much.

At the same time, I believe it's equally important to note how things go on the days when the chemicals work well. It's good to remember this happens and healthy to notice how different things can be. For instance, the normal little things that stress me out or make me anxious on days when things are chemically bad just slid off of me. I have some misgivings about something, but then quickly realized there was a solution. I enjoyed the sun and laughed and felt like engaging in conversations.

Moreover, there were moments when I wasn't just content, I was happy. This was so nice.

See, one of the problems with the depression/anxiety cycle is that it's pretty exhausting. When you're not getting help for it, it's exhausting because of all the hell your brain is putting you through. When you are getting help for it, it's exhausting because you're constantly having to fight back all the negative stuff your brain is trying to make you believe. On days like this, while my body may be tired, my brain is happy and calm. I feel creative and funny and loving.

I know that if the depression was gone, I wouldn't feel as good as I did today ALL the time. I have to say though, it would be nice to feel that way more often. See, the problem is, I know it won't last. It may not even last into tomorrow, and that sucks because it would be so nice to have a nice long break from the bullshit.

I'll take what I can get though. Today was a damned good day. I'm grateful for that.