The Queen's Justice Musings

A lot of people were disappointed in this episode, but I wasn't. I guess I didn't invest all that much in the first few meetings of Jon and Dany. I didn't expect there to be rays of light and rainbows. It was formal and awkward. Everyone wanted something they weren't going to receive. At the end of the day though, this episode wasn't about Jon or Dany. This was the episode where Cersei and her allies shined. It wasn't something most people wanted to happen, but there we are. I think I'll go by location here because we don't have tons of them and a lot of stuff happens in each.

Ice and Fire at Dragonstone

Mel brags that she brought Ice and Fire together, but really it's Tyrion who connects Jon and Dany. He and Jon formed a nice trust and friendship in the first season and that is quite important in this episode. On the way up to the castle, they talk about how much things have changed. Tyrion asks about Sansa and confesses a lot of respect for her. A dragon flies overhead and it freaks out Jon and Davos.

Davos is really out of his element here, but how could he not be? Dragonstone was his home for many years. They don't address this on the show, though I hope they do, I'm assuming being back at Stannis's base of operations is difficult for him. If there is anything I'm not liking about the shorter season, it's the fact that a lot of emotional scenes that we need are being skipped. This can't be easy for Davos and I think that's why he's less charming when he meets Dany than he has been when addressing others on behalf of his king.

Dany and Jon have a lot of presumed bad blood. Her father killed his grandfather and uncle. His father's best friend had her family overthrown and sent assassins after her. Dany loses her cool around Jon and overcompensates. Jon just looks confused so he keep repeat/mumbling about white walkers. Tyrion tries to keep things moving, and in the end brokers the start of trust between the two of them by finding something Jon needs that he can reasonably ask Dany for, dragon glass.

Queen's Landing

Tyrion needs all the wins he can get because he's seriously screwing up Dany's invasion plan. When it comes down to it, this is really just a Lannister war. Tyrion planned Dany's side of it, Jaime planned Cersei's. Euron maybe planned some, but he's psycho so who cares? I kind of want him to die very soon. He parades Ellaria, Tyene, and Yara through Kingslanding while people scream obscenities at them and pelt them with rotten food. He hands the Dornish women over to Cersei, who agrees to marry him after he wins her war. Jaime is angry about this and even angrier when Euron quietly taunts him about the fact. Euron leaves with Yara to go magically be in a battle he really has no time to get to.

Lena Heady has two masterful Cersei scenes in this episode. The first is with Ellaria, where she doles out her punishment. She poisons Tyene with the same poison that Ellaria used to kill Cersei's daughter and tells the woman she will watch her daughter die and then watch as she rots. Now, normally I LOATHE IT when someone uses a family member to punish someone else, but only when that family member is innocent. In this case, Tyene was fully in on Ellaria's murder plans. Ellaria honestly had no cause for killing Myrcella and deserves whatever punishment Cersei gives her.

Cersei's next great scene is a meeting with the representative from the Iron Bank. Instead of acting like an idiot about the whole thing, she handles herself quite well, gives the rep plenty of reasons to back her and not Dany, and promises him payment within two weeks. This is the most professional and rational she's acted in a while. This is the woman who understands the world around her, the woman who spoke with jaded wisdom in the first couple of seasons. I wish this was the Cersei we get in the books and I wish it was the Cersei we always get in the show.

In between those two scenes, she also had sex with Jaime and doesn't plan on hiding that anymore. We'll see how that goes.

The North and Competent Women

They are pulling in some of Sansa's book storyline on how well she runs the Vale into how she's managing Winterfell now that she's in charge. She's focused on preparing for winter, making sure there is enough food and warmth for everyone. Sansa handles her scene with her advisers very well, even if Littlefinger is lurking around. He is right about one thing. She is a very good leader. She doesn't seem to pay Littlefinger much mind and even ignores him after word comes that Bran has returned home.

One of the things this series manages to do, on occasion, is to complete someone's quest. One of the things I like about that is that these quests are not just completed by men. Brienne completed her quest to get Jaime to Kingslanding. She completed her quest to find and protect Sansa (and almost with Arya too). Now we see Meera completing her quest to get Bran back home. They don't dwell on Meera as long as I wished they would, but there is a shot of her and her look of tired satisfaction. She completed her mission and more than likely never doubted she would.

Sansa's clearly overjoyed to see Bran. She hugs him lovingly and is clearly prepared to let him take charge of everything. She doesn't even seem to mind. Bran can't do that though. He's weird now, emotionless, and cryptic when he speaks. Sansa tries to understand, but can't. Then Bran starts talking about things that disturb her and she has to get away.

The Westerlands and the Reach have a lot of Bait and Switch

Greyworm takes Casterly Rock, using Tyrion's plan. Okay, I would like to point out that Tyrion's plan isn't all THAT innovative. It's basically how they took Meereen and also what Tyrion did to get out of the Red Keep to attack Stannis. Yes. We sneak in. We get it. This time it backfires though because Jaime uses the Rock as a trap for Dany's army while the bulk of his forces descend on the Reach.

In what is probably one of the best scenes of the show, Olenna and Jaime meet to talk about her defeat. She tells him Cersei is horrible and will be the death of him. Jaime is respectful to her, even pointing out that he talked his sister into allowing Olenna to have a quiet and merciful death. The Queen of Thorns drinks poison and as she waits to die, she confesses to Jaime that she's the one who murdered Joffery. She asks him to tell Cersei. While this will be a blow to Cersei, who can now get no more revenge on the older woman, more importantly, it proves Tyrion's innocence.

Also in the Reach, at Oldtown Sam manages to cure Jorah of his greyscale. His master maester scolds him for this because he could have screwed it up and infected everyone there, but because he didn't, he won't be expelled, he just has to copy a bunch of moldy old scrolls. Hopefully, they'll have information he needs to fight the white walkers. Jorah decides to go be with Dany, because what the hell ELSE can the man do? It's like his only plan ever.

Overall, I was happier with this episode than I was with last week. I'll miss the Queen of Thorns. I will not miss Ellaria. I hope Meera gets more screen time.

Also, as this is about to become a zombie story, I think it's time for the Zombie Asshole Rule to apply. The rule is that if you're dealing with zombies, if someone in your group is an asshole, kill them first because they're only going to make everyone miserable, betray you, and cause problems. Under ZAR, Littlefinger should be the first to go.

Emo Sunday

I slept well last night and wasn't too hot today. With that in mind, or maybe because of it, it was strange that I was really emotional. My roommate told me a story about a kid who got left in the system and it made me cry. The cat's hips were hurting and it made me almost cry. Someone posted something on FB and I almost cried about that too. I have no idea what was up with me today, but I didn't like it. Oh, and there was a glitch in our electric bill. My roommate fixed it but worries he didn't fix it right. I reminded him he did the best he could and felt so awful that HE felt awful that I almost cried.

I guess there are days when you just feel raw and on the edge. That was my day. I knew there was nothing personally bad happening to me, but I felt for everyone else. Again, I would like to say I'm glad this month is almost over. I'm glad this summer is almost over and I'll be glad when this year is over. I lost my cats this year and I just won't forgive the year for that.

The thing is, last year sucked too. Things need to get better.

Commitment

I loathe the idea of long term commitments to other humans. I hate the idea of vows, of oaths to other humans. I hate the concept of being stuck with stupid decisions you make in your youth. That should never be the case. I hate promises, but more so, I hate people who try to force you into making them. I hate their insecurities.

It isn't about loyalty. Loyalty is one of those manipulative words that people want to hold against you, but never want to hold against themselves. They want to wring it out of you and make you go along with their whatever plans, no matter what you may decide, no matter how you may change.

It's like this . . . if I want to be around you, I'll be around you. If I don't, I don't. Why would you want me to? Why would you want someone to be near you when they hate you? Why waste your energy with this when you could just move on and find some new friend/lover/whathaveyou that suits you better?

Of course, I did NOT get this when I was younger. When I was a teenager, and even into early adulthood, I thought that commitment was the best way. Somehow, I was ignoring how miserable it was making everyone around me. I guess I thought that vows and commitment would ensure I wouldn't be alone. For some reason, I bought into the lie that there was something awful about being alone. And it is a lie. Being alone is awesome, and if not awesome, still better than being with people who drain you or are just there out of some misguided commitment to a vow.

Now I believe if you want to be around me, be around me. If you want me around, be someone I want to be near. If I'm not someone you want to be around, go find someone more suitable. Nothing should hold people together except for a continuing choice to be there. It's the most beautiful way.

Quick Complaining

Last night was awful. I don't think I slept at all. It's supposed to cool down tonight and be cooler for the next few nights. I have no idea if this will happen. After all, even if it's cooler, the humidity is still hellish. I took a nap this afternoon while the AC was on and basically just passed out from exhaustion. Summer is really doing a number on me this year.

Last Wednesday in July

The heat was crazy, stupid, and awful today. We stayed inside and did our best to keep away from the hotter rooms. The house has hot spots we really can't ever cool down. The best we can do is avoid them. The kitchen is always the worst because it has the hot fridges in it.

We're still feeling the effects of the loss of Rowan and Rhiannon. Today we talked about getting a smaller trash container in the back. We have so little going into it now. It's a practical thing to do, but it made me sad. Every little change we make that marks the loss of the cats makes me sad. I still feel bad when I see only one food bowl in the back.

Anyway, we're nearing the end of July. Soon school will be starting again and hopefully, after that, we'll get some kind of cool down on the weather situation. I really need that to happen.

The Paint Crisis

My roommate walked over to me yesterday with this look on his face like someone had died. "They're killing Paint," he said. "They're not going to have Paint on Windows anymore." Someone had died.

See, Paint has been with us for a long damned time. Ever since I got my first computer, I've had Paint. I spent my first semester of college in the dorms. My mother had run off to god knows where and everything was scary. I was deeply depressed. I would soothe myself by messing around in Paint. I'd draw things, you know, badly, because most people draw badly in Paint. It helped though. Paint has always been a source of comfort for me.

Even now, though I have other graphics programs. There are still things I do in Paint. The kitty picture, for example, started out in Paint. I like Paint if I'm trying to capture emotion, trying to capture slinkly movement. I'm not alone. A lot of comics are done in Paint. Is it great art? Not in a technical sense, but in an emotional, Expressionistic sense, it certainly is.

The idea of not having access to this basic program seemed so wrong. I hated the idea of giving up something that was such a large part of my history with computers and such a large part of my own work. It felt wrong. I am sure most people wouldn't get this. Paint is VERY basic. But see, that's the point. Having something with such limited options allows you to really stay IN the moment. You're not stopping to set filters or alter colors or whatever else. It's just honest, visceral, you and the mouse, and Paint.

I wasn't the only person who felt this way. Luckily, enough people were heartbroken and vocal to where Microsoft is going to continue to offer Paint as a free app. It won't come with the package, but you can always get it if you need it. I'll certainly be getting it. You don't give up on old friends.

Stormborn Musings

Again, as with last week, this is full of Game of Throne spoilers. Don't read if you don't want to be spoiled. And, I guess, don't read if you don't care.

For the most part, I didn't like this episode. They did a lot of stuff to kill off characters and set up Dany for a more difficult time just for the sake of the story, not out of any kind of logic. Normally I would go through highlights of the episode. This time, I'll have to focus on what was wrong and then discuss the bits that worked.

Dany's Alliance and Its Lack of Believability

Dany letting the Greyjoys be on her side is one thing. I can accept that. They made some good points and she needed ships. The Queen of Thorns being on her side is reasonable. Olenna hates Cersei and wants her dead. However, this is no way, despite her comments about not listening to lords, that Olenna would have shown up without her best military commander. She knows this is serious. She knows this is her one shot. She would have brought Randal Tarly with her. The idea that she didn't and he went to see Cersei instead is just illogical.

It's still closer to the realm of reason than Dorne being on Dany's team. Dorne, at this point, should be on no one's team. Sure, in the books, they still have a lot to offer, but on the show, the whole Dorne plot was awful and the characters are written badly. They killed Tyrion's niece. He never would have forgiven that. He wouldn't have just chided them about it. The way they're writing the Sandsnakes, they're untrustable and psychotic. In the books, they're violent and unpredictable, but still, have a sense of loyalty and a code of honor. On the show, they're like a caricature of a multi-ethnic girl gang.

Varys would have never involved them with Dany. Speaking of our spymaster, the talk he had with Dany, while important, was very misplaced. They should have put that discussion on last season, like as one of the last scenes. Are we really supposed to believe Dany and Vayrs crossed the ocean ON THE SAME SHIP and didn't talk about their problematic past the whole time? Did she just give him stinkeye as he hid behind his fan? That was just bad pacing.

Where this really breaks down, and what made the episode the most annoying, is that everything I just addressed was clear, even to the showrunners. Instead of just not making them happen in the first place, they chose to have Euron brutalize the Sandsnakes and take Yara hostage. It's just all messy and left a bad feeling in my stomach.

Sam's Storyline is Gross and Predictable

So we find Sam and his trainer.....master? His Master Maester? Anyway, they're checking on Jorah and the Maester tells him they can't sure greyscale (DUH!!!) and that he should just kill himself. Sam realizes this is the son of his former Lord Commander at the Nightwatch. Sam is still a Brother and wants to do what he can to save Jorah. This begins the predictable part. Sam and his Master Maester are in the library and Master Maester is dismissing everything Sam suggests. I mean, this is supposed to be the place where learning and experimentation and knowledge are valued, right? Right? But no, let's be condescending and predictable and annoying.

Anyway, as with last week, Sam rebels. He gets all the stuff he needs and shows back up in Jorah's room. He starts cutting away the infected areas (there are a lot of them) and it is gross and unsettling. So far, I hate the Sam scenes.

Jon Not Only Knows Nothing but Learns Nothing
So after Jon was made Lord Commander, he went on a trip that no one wanted him to go on and made an alliance with people that his followers wanted nothing to do with. While he was gone, he left the person who questioned his decisions the most in charge. They killed him for it.

This season, he has decided to go on a trip that no one wants him to go on and make an alliance with a woman that none of his followers want anything to do with. While he's gone, he's leaving Sansa, the person who questions his decisions the most, in charge. I mean, granted, Sansa is usually correct in her reasoning, but still. Jon is making the same mistakes.

Actually, he's making bigger mistakes. At least when he was Lord Commander, he killed Janos Slynt, the slimy asshole from Kingslanding who betrayed his father. This time, he's leaving alive Littlefinger, another slimy ass from Kingslanding who betrayed his father. Janos had some loyal friends. Littlefinger has an army.  Uggh.

Moments of Good
Okay, Cersei and Jaime, for Cersei and Jaime, are actually doing pretty well. They're trying to make alliances and use their combined talents to keep themselves in power. She's not being as crazified as I thought she would be and he's being more charming and less snarky than usual. Tywin would be impressed.

Arya saw her direwolf again! I teared up a little at this. She seems a bit too wild to connect with Arya, but she may still. It's possible her and her pack will follow our youngest Stark girl back to Winterfell. That's where Arya's headed now. Once Hot Pie told her about Jon and Sansa retaking their home, she decided she could kill Cersei later and started heading North.

This episode touched on the concept of male sexuality outside the realm of the penis. It did so awkwardly with Theon, who still can't (and perhaps never will) come to terms with his penectomy, and then with Greyworm, in a positive way. Greyworm is accepting that he can be in love and in a sexual relationship with someone, even without normal male genitalia. His value is not in his penis, nor is his capacity to experience love/pleasure. I'm honestly not sure how many times we've even seen this explored in popular culture.

Penises are so fetishized when it comes to male sexuality that we forget men have all the rest of their body that can be used for intimacy. Castration, and certainly penectomy,  is considered a way of making someone NOT be a man anymore, which is insane. They're still men. I've had the majority of my female reproductive organs removed and I'm certainly still a woman. This idea that men have to have a certain level of body structure/masculine behavior before they are worthy of sex/love/what have you is a cultural issue that is perhaps beginning to shift.

Anyway, I wasn't that happy with the episode, but then again, next week Jon and Dany meet, so I'll forgive this one.

Death, Depression, and Spoons

There has been a lot of talk since Chester Bennington killed himself. People who are mostly in good headspaces are bringing up all the reasons why people who commit suicide are selfish and awful. If they are doing this because it's their way of processing the grief and fear they're feeling, it would be nice if they'd keep their little opinions to themselves. If they are doing this to try to discourage others from suicide, then they need to shut the fuck up. They're not helping.

I've talked about Spoons Theory on the blog before. In fact, I've probably even talked about it in terms of Depression. But just to remind you, to try to help people understand what it's like to be sick, the author asked her audience to consider what it would be like if stamina (energy, vitality, strength, etc) could be measured in an allotment of spoons. Healthy people have a lot of spoons. Sick people have very few and have to make choices about how they can maximize their spoon allotment and not completely run out.

When you have mental illness, quite a few of those spoons are always automatically allotted toward dealing with your mental illness. You have no choice in that matter. Your mental state places a certain level of energy from your mind, emotions, and body into whatever chaos suddenly decides to go down. For some people, this may mean you're bouncing your foot or twitching your face. For others, it may mean restless pacing and an agitate inability to sit down. It could mean a constant flow of babble you can't manage to stop. Or stomach pains. Or a suspicion about everyone around you. Or actually seeing and hearing things that aren't there.

With Depression, this energy usually gets wasted up in remembering all of the Depression Truths. These are statements that, to be honest, even on your best days, you can't shake. Life is a cruel joke. You will never be happy. This is the least amount of pain you will ever be in. You will never lose weight. It is all your fault. No one really loves you. People are using you. You are a failure. There is nothing to hope for. All the positives out there, feel like lies. All of the counter arguments feel like pithy bullshit someone tells you to keep you quiet. All of the darkness feels like the truth and you feel like you're at the bottom of a well you will never ever have the strength to climb out of.

I don't necessarily want to kill myself... I just want to become dead somehow.

When I read the above lines from Hyperbole and a Half: Depression Part Two, it was one of the truest things I'd ever seen. That line explained everything about the darker days of my life. In some ways, it explained things about even the better days of my life. Killing myself seemed too dramatic. Instead, just being dead sounded great. People fantasize about this death like other people would fantasize about a dream wedding. I go to sleep and I just don't wake up. I'm watching my favorite movie and my heart just stops. This dream death seems like the sweetest thing because it is an end to all the pain and hell and screaming and demands and failures and exhaustion.

See, I think exhaustion is the key. I think a lot of people kill themselves because they are exhausted.

You have so many spoons every day, and with mental illness, some of those spoons are being taken away so the illness can do what it does. If you want to try to function, you have to allot other spoons to fight the voices in your head (heart, body, spirit). You have to try and rationalize away the crazy. You have to soothe yourself. You have to run through all the techniques to try to stay calm. To try and be positive. To try and move forward. Keep in mind, this is while you're trying to do everything else. You're trying to deal with other people and trying to meet your responsibilities and trying to keep your body running. There are days when all of it is too much. You run out of spoons before you run out of day.

That's why you'll see people at a dinner table and stare, unable to finish the meal.
That's why people will sit on their shower floor and let the water hit them, unaware of anything until they snap back into reality and have no idea how long they've been there.
That's why people will get into cars and drive and drive and drive, sometimes to never return home.

I won't presume to know what was going through Bennington's head. I do know that for many people who commit suicide, there is often this moment when they realize there is too much pain to just keep riding things out until they 'just become dead somehow.' They realize they have to take action because it's the only defence they have left. That isn't selfish. That's just all they have.

July Box Spa Items

Beauty Staycation's main thrust is a collection of masks, scrubs, and other items people use to detoxify and revitalize the skin. From what I understand, everyone got two of the various items they had up for selection. When I watched the video, I kind of wished I would have gotten the one with cucumber in it because I LOVE the smell of cucumbers. I was pretty happy with my products, even if they don't smell like the cleanest freshest of cucumbers.

In fact, the first product I'll be talking about is, by far, what I viewed as the most coveted item in the box. The boscia Charcoal Pore Pudding Intensive Wash-Off Treatment, retailing for 38$ (2.8 oz) is probably the thing most people would want. Charcoal skin treatments are really trending right now. I've seen a lot of people using the masks that dry on the face. I wasn't really keen on those since, well, I don't like pain.

Fortunately, this product doesn't cause pain! It really does have the consistency of pudding and washes off with ease. It's also a stripe of white charcoal and black charcoal. The black detoxifies while the white adds moisture. This keeps it from drying you out too much. I will warn you. It's messy. You'll need to be near your sink or wet wipes when you use it.

I've mostly used this on my nose. Because I have to sleep with a CPAP, my nose has larger pores. Dealing with them is an ongoing battle for me, but I think this is working pretty well. I'm not sure I would buy it at this price, because I liked the clay based mask I got the first month better. For people who are super interested in charcoal, however, this might be fun for you.

My final product this month is MILK MAKEUP Cooling Water. This gel stick sells for 24$ and just happens to be the first beauty gel stick I've ever used. I will admit, that part is weird. It's like rubbing gel deodorant on your face. I'm not sure I like that as a delivery system. You have to use more of it than you think you should and it is a little awkward. Now, having said that, once it's on your face, you don't notice it. One of the many, many unpleasant aspects of summer is when you have a heavy, hot moisturizer sitting on your face. With the Cooling Water, you get to avoid that.

Now I was excited about this product because it's a de-puffer. It has caffeine and seawater, both of which contain anti-inflammatory properties. I loved the idea of putting caffeine on my skin because it's something I truly believe in. This also has some mint notes to it, so you wake up when you apply it.

One of the things I noticed in reading reviews is that people who live in hotter climates are finding this to be more beneficial than people where the weather isn't as awful. In places where humidity isn't a factor, I'm seeing people just be indifferent to this product. People living in really humid conditions are finding this to be quite useful.

Would I buy it again? I'm a little on the fence about that. On one hand, I think it worked well for me. I did find it soothing and it helped with eye puffiness. On the other hand, as I said above, I don't like the delivery system. The gel doesn't go on well. Then again, I like it a lot once it IS on. So I don't know. I'm thinking the good outweighs the bad here.

Overall, I really loved my July box. I found the curation process to be logical and enjoyed the products I received. The mascara was a revelation and probably my favorite of the month. Everything else gave me quite a lot to think about. This is always important when I consider the art of my face.

July Box Painting Options

July solved a problem for me with these boxes and actually challenged me on something at the same time. This is exactly what I wanted, really. I signed up for this, in part, to expose myself to make up options I just never would consider otherwise. In that way, July paid off well for me.  The funny thing about this is that the July box (Beauty Staycation) was designed to highlight various spa items. I liked the ones I got, but I think the lip and lash items I'll be talking about turned out to be what I liked the best.

If you read the blog, then you know I have all kinds of problems with my eyes. They are really bratty when it comes to me putting anything on them. The main thing I tend to avoid is mascara. When I pulled one out of my box, I sighed a little, as I assumed it was a product I just wouldn't be using. One of the nice things about reviewing these on the blog, though, is that it ensures I'll experiment with the product, anyway. At least enough to where I can write about it.

The thing is, IT Cosmetics Superhero™ Elastic Stretch Volumizing Mascara really surprised me. In terms of lash paint, this stuff is great. For one thing, it was developed by plastic surgeons and it's supposed to serve not only to make your lashes look longer but to give them their own kind of skin care. When you use it, it supplies the lashes with biotin and collagen. And while I said yesterday that you really can't heal your hair, you can certainly feed it stuff to make it look more healthy.

Normally mascara smells horrible to me. As soon as I would smell it, it would make my eyes begin to revolt. This stuff smells like nothing and my eyes handle it just fine. In fact, while normal mascara would just make my lashes look goopy and bad, this honestly does make them look longer. It's shocking.

Would I purchase this? Actually, yes, even if it is 24$. Now the thing is, as I type this, I'm thinking about a conversation drag queens Katya and Trixie had on their show one time when Katya said you should never pay more than 10$ for mascara. Trixie disagrees with her and Katya says, "WHO HURT YOU!?!?" It's funny, but the truth is, my eyes, hon. My eyes are what hurt me. If a mascara can keep from doing that, you bet your rubber chicken I would buy it.

I also got the usual lipstick they put in the bag. As you know, I've not been pleased with the lipsticks because I'm so picky about colors. When I pulled out the bareMinerals GEN NUDE™ Matte Liquid Lipcolor in Swag I didn't hold out a lot of hope. For one thing, it was another matte color, my third in three months.

But this time they got it right! The shade, called Swag, is the perfect level of pink for me and I love it so much. I don't even mind the fact that it's a matte because it actually still looks decent when I put it on. Now mind you, this might be because this lip color contains all of the stuff they put in primers so it's far more moisturizing and hydrating than most of the matte products I've tried. It looks velvety and soft, not heavy and overwhelming. It's a tease of lip color and that's just the kind of thing I like.

I honestly would pay the full 18$ for this, especially if I didn't have another primer to work with. If it does both and looks this good as a result, I certainly think it's worth the price.

As I am sure you can tell by now, I'm really enjoying the July box. It came with a lot of nice surprises for me and I've not even gotten into the featured items for the month. I'll be doing that tomorrow, including a review of something I've been wanting to try for quite awhile.

July Box Hair and Scent

The July box actually got here last week, but it's taken Sephora this long to update the page with all the links I need. I mean, I could have gone and looked them up myself. I could have, but let's face it there is no way I was going to do that. Too involved. The theme this month was Beauty Staycation.

I'm starting with the only hair care product this month, Briogeo Rosarco Milk™ Reparative Leave-In Conditioning Spray. Normally this conditioner costs around 20$ for a 5 oz bottle. I had a talk with my roommate, who knows a lot about hair, and we both agreed the basic idea of this was bogus. You really can't repair hair that is damaged. You can restore the health of a scalp. You can protect hair from more damage. However, there isn't something you put on your hair and it just goes back to being healed and unbroken.

Now, even though 'reparative' is in the name of the product when I researched it a little, it didn't actually claim to repair anything. The spray only claims to bring moisture, protect from UV rays, make things shine, and do all of that without weighing the hair down. I honestly think it would have been better to push these aspects instead of the 'repair' thing. Anything that makes your hair sleek and manageable while keeping it safe during the heat is a great product.

I like the product. It smells nice but it's hard to go wrong with something that has rosehip as its main ingredient. My only problem with it is the fact that it's a spray. Sprays are hard to gauge when you're putting something directly on your hair. Having too little goes to having too much in like one spray. My roommate suggested I just spray it into my hand. I'll do that next time because it left things a little crunchy.

The scent this month was Atelier Cologne Orange Sanguine Cologne Absolue Pure Perfume and normally you pay 130$ for the 3.3 oz bottle. I feel like this scent hit the mark better than the one from last month in terms of the theme. A citrus scent during the summer makes a lot of sense. This has lots of zestiness and freshness to it. It has bloom oranges, bitter oranges, sandalwood, amber wood, jasmine, geranium, and tonka beans.

Did it work for me? No. And I find that interesting. Not because I'm challenging the fact that it didn't work for me, but just how amazingly wrong a citrus can be for you when another one can be so right. I love fresh limes. I think there is nothing that works as well with my body chemistry as fresh lime. A close second to this is regular oranges. I don't like it quite as much as lime, but almost. I had assumed the same would work with blood oranges but I was very, very much mistaken.

The whole blood orange/other stuff mix just clashed horribly with me. It did not work at all. But that's the nature of perfumes. Some work for you and others just seriously don't.  This isn't to say I hated the scent. I thought it was nice in abstraction. It just didn't work for me.

Blip

I had a lot of stuff to say tonight, but I just can't put it into words. Instead, I just listened to "Small Town Boy" for like a billion times and cried. Oh, I also painted huge eyebrows on myself. They were glorious.

Raven Talks Emmy

This is a link to Raven (David Petruschin talking about getting the Emmy nod for his makeup work on RPDR.  Raven can sometimes be a bitch, but always a highly charming bitch. I will say this. I have never seen him be so emotional, humble, and open about something.

Then again, under the circumstances, how could he not be? He talks about how Mathu Andersen is his idol where makeup artists are concerned. He talks about how honored he felt when Mathu first noticed his skills and how they developed a friendship over the years. Andersen had told him that he if he ever reached a point to where he couldn't do Ru's makeup anymore, Raven was next in line. He felt honored but never thought too much about it past that.

That day finally came, and Raven was asked to step in. It was sudden and overwhelming. There were missteps. However, he was still asked to come back and now there is the Emmy nomination. It was quite clear that this is the last thing Raven ever expected.

The video is really beautiful. It's so neat to see someone's delight at being recognized for their work. It's lovely to see someone's joy at reaching such a level in their art. The video made me very happy.

Dragonstone Musings

Game of Thrones is completely into territory outside of the books now. And for once in my life, I'm not reading anything ahead of time or letting myself be spoiled. I thought it would be fun to write out my impressions and musings as the episodes happen. With that in mind, a warning that this WILL contain spoilers.

Arya and her life with the thrill kill cult.

In our cold opening, Arya, wearing the face of Walder Frey, has a dinner set up for all the males of the Frey line and poisons them as she explains to them why it was such a bad idea to leave Starks alive. On the show, the Freys are basically all just awful bottom feeders so when she does this, it feels justified and correct. In the books, some of the Freys are more nuanced, even to the point of having been so loyal to the Starks that they were sent away during the Red Wedding. On the show, however, the most sympathetic Frey we get is Fat Walda and she's already dead anyway.

I think we're going to at least explore how deep Arya's murder tendencies go. After killing the Freys, she meets up with a group of Lannister soldiers. They invite her to eat with them and all seem like decent people. One of them is even Ed Sheeran and what could HE possibly harm? So will she kill them, even though they are Lannister men? We will have to wait and see.

Variations on Experience with Jon and Sansa.

Jon is king and what he says goes. Jon has one priority and that is to get everyone through the winter without everyone turning into the undead. Good goal. He has seen war, the horrors of winter, and the army of blue eyed monsters. He wants people to focus on dragon glass and training (both boys and girls, which is practical and awesome).

Sansa has lived those same years surviving the Game. She knows the price of mercy. She knows the price of forgiveness. She's seen lots of people say they will do one thing and stab anyone they need to in the back as soon as it suits them. Bannermen betray you. Small folk will betray you. While Jon is thinking everyone will rally behind this Horrible Thing he has seen, Sansa knows that some people will rally and others will use this as their way to move forward.

The only thing Cersei trusts is the wine.

Jaime Lannister is in a bad place. His children are dead. His sister, the love of his life, has committed an act so horrible he once killed a king to keep him from doing the same thing. They have very few resources and no allies. The only ally Cersei can scrape up is Euron Greyjoy. He shows up and he's a jackass but promises ominous things. Jaime is beside himself about all of this. His sister seems to be making things up as she goes along.

The thing about Cersei is that she DOES do that. Her plans are usually effective in the short term but cause problems in the long run. Cersei is drunken chaos and that isn't a good description for a ruler. Jaime knows this, but what will win out, love or duty?

Old Town is full of annoyance. 

Sam's part went on for too long and it was gross. We could have skipped several minutes of disgusting duties and just had him talk with the Maester about books. Even the Maester's reaction seemed needlessly annoying. These people KNOW things are about to go bad. Protocol should be stopped so they can figure out how to help. This felt like conflict just for the sake of conflict. The only interesting part was getting to see the dagger used to try to kill Bran show back up in a book.

As if that wasn't enough, we find out Jorah is there. From the look of his arm, his greyscale is advancing quickly. Really Jorah? You met a woman back in Qarth who clearly had some knowledge of how to handle this condition and instead, you run as fast as you can to get to Westeros because you know that's where Dany is headed? Really? This was not only stupid, you obsessive dickbag, it was irresponsible.

With Sandor, it's complicated.

The man formerly known as The Hound does his best to keep his life simple. Kill things. Stay happy. Eat chicken. Stay away from fire. Instead, he finds himself in the middle of a moral redemption arch while surrounded by fire-worshippers. He seems to have listened somewhat to the Septon from last season. When he's confronted with his sins, he accepts them and does what small bit he can to atone. Honestly, that was a beautiful scene.

More interestingly, when asked by a red priest to look into the flames, Sandor seems to have actually had a vision. He knows the white walkers are coming and from where. The whole process added to his conflict. The last thing he wants to do is be a prophet for fire. It's hard to deny his skill and hard to deny the fact that he seems to have a role to play in all of this.

Sometimes you can go home. 

Dany and company made it to Dragonstone. It was very emotional to see her get out of the boat and touch the sand of her birthplace. She doesn't have an emotional memory connection to it because she left when she was so young, but she knows this is hers and she knows what this means. As much as I loved this moment, I did not love the following five minutes as we watched her and all of her people climb what seemed like miles of stairs to get to the castle. That got old. I mean, she has dragons. Fly the people up there.

Stairs or no, Daenerys Targaryen is home. The young girl who started out with nothing but a horrible brother and a pedophile barbarian husband now has three dragons, an army, a fleet, advisors, and the castle where she was born. That is quite an accomplishment.

Final musings.

The white walkers have giants in their army. This is bad.
Meera and Bran are back on the south side of the wall. This is good for them but potentially bad for everyone else as often as Bran screws things up.
Euron's ships are cool.
I wonder if anyone has told Tyrion that his niece and nephew are dead.
I wonder if anyone has told him that Sansa is at Winterfell and seems to have married (and widowed) again.
Sansa shut Littlefinger down beautifully.
Sam and Gilly have a cute little house.

Sunday Somewhat Pleasantness

My stomach, while somewhat settled, is still in that delicate stage where I know things could go wrong at any given moment. I'll have to be careful about things for the next few days and watch what I consume. Yes, I know I should do that anyway. And I should. I will also have to try my best to regulate my temperature.

So far today, that isn't such a problem. It's in the 90s, but the humidity isn't awful, so while it isn't COOL in the house, it also isn't unbearable. We might possibly be able to go without turning on the AC. In some ways, that's actually better because it means we're not having to close all the stupid windows and doors. In an old house, windows and doors become stubborn old bitches.

Tomorrow will make the two months since Rowan passed.

The Other Junk

I've been reading articles about men and their penises lately. I don't mean like the letters to porn mags, I mean articles where men speak quite frankly about what it's like to be a person with a penis. This wasn't the usual bravado "I has penis heh heh heh" stuff. These were frank, honest, very vulnerable and very human discussions about what life with a penis can be like. As someone who has never experienced that, it was an interesting read.

Some things I found out. Penises can sometimes touch toilet water. This is certainly an upsetting thought if the person is pooping into the toilet at the time. That has to be an unsettling experience and one I'm glad I get to avoid in life. They can be quite betraying at times, which I'm sure also isn't a lot of fun. I mean, I could be horny all day long, no one would know unless I insisted on telling them.

On an emotional level, one of the things that really struck me is how alone a lot of men feel when it comes to talking about their penises. There are some issues they wouldn't want to discuss with the women in their lives because it is either embarrassing or just impractical (as the women, without penises, would honestly have no idea). However, with most of the men they know, discussing penis issues is difficult because of it might come off as unmanly.

This is certainly a place where I know I have an advantage. While there are women I might not be comfortable having a vagina (and assorted goodies) talk with, there are many others with whom I would discuss every aspect of it. I would see nothing shameful about asking questions or giving details. If someone wants to ask me questions about it, I would do my best to answer them. I certainly would give every little detail about hysterectomies, because there are a lot of things where it helps if you just know the hell of it in advance.

Anyway, I hope articles like this are a sign of things to come for men. Accepting our bodies (and the bodies of others) as a normal part of our human experience can only lead to a better understanding of ourselves (and others) as people. It's okay to feel weird and awkward about our bodies. That kind of vulnerability makes us more charming.

Sick

I've been sick all day. I really have no idea why, though I suspect the anxiety medication I took night before last. Oh well. I'm miserable and seriously want my body to return to normal. More later.

Out of the Fog

I'm not good with drugs. My doctor gave me a script for panic meds a while back, stating that most people tend to handle life better just knowing they have them. This is the case with me most of the time. I like the peace of mind. The last couple of days have been rough and triggery for me, especially at night. After several days of not really sleeping, last night I decided I would take one of the pills once I felt the panic setting in.

It helped. I slept better than I have in a while, though that honestly isn't saying much. I needed the sleep, but I paid for it. I woke up dehydrated and aching. I also woke up in a mental fog.

This is why I'm not good with drugs. No matter what they can to me otherwise, the mental fog that certain medications cause just drive me bonkers. I hate it so much. I'll let myself be in pain for as long as possible if it means I can avoid that fogginess. It's like I'm sliding underwater and can't reach the shores of myself.

About ten minutes ago, the fog started to lift. There was a second where it was there and then the next second, I felt like ME again. It was such a relief. One of the fears I always have with any medication that does this is that the fog won't go away. When I was younger and recovering from stomach surgery, I stayed in that haze for months. It was horrible.

I'm so happy that I'm back in the mental building that I may stay in a good mood for the rest of the day. No promises.

Summer

It was a long day. My car burned me twice. The lawn mowing dude was supposed to mow and he did not. It's hot and even with the AC on, it's still not that comfortable. I tried to nap for a bit this afternoon and it just didn't work. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Stealing Sunshine

Sometimes I think one of the places where we mess up the most in school is failing to teach people how to properly communicate. A conversation is a balancing act that requires some skill. You can't just blather on at someone and expect them to ever be interested in speaking to you again. There is a give and take to it.  Unfortunately, a lot of people never figure this out and just dominate conversations.

Often we don't seem to understand the point of a discussion. If someone is trying to express an emotion to you of a positive nature, they are usually trying to share a bit of their life experience with you. It's an invitation. Now you may have related things to say to them, but you should consider whether or not those things will add to the discussion or detract from it.

For instance, if someone is sharing something with you and you can see they are feeling a lot of joy and happiness from what they are saying, consider if the stuff you plan to say back is going to add to that happiness and expand on it. If it is, then speak. If not, especially if you're just going to bring the conversation down, perhaps consider not sharing and just enjoy their fun.

Example:

Person A: I just found an article about the band I love the most. It details the time when they recorded my favorite album.
Person B: Ughh, that album is about doing drugs and as I'm trying to be sober now, I can't stand it. Reading that would just take me to this dark place where I'd feel awful. It sucks now that everything I loved about my teen years is tied to things that caused me so much pain.

Now, is the stuff that Person B says true and valid to them? Yes. Does it add to the joy that Person A expressed and make their relationship stronger? No. It makes Person A feel LESS interested in sharing things with Person B because while Person B's struggle with sobriety is important, that struggle should not overshadow the joy of Person A.

Better example:

Person A: I just found an article about the band I love the most. It details the time when they recorded my favorite album.
Person B: *considers talking about their sobriety issues, realizes it isn't the point at the moment, sees the happy look on Person A's face* Hey, that's great!

See, a lot of people talking about 'keeping it real' and always speaking the truth and being blunt and all. That's fine, but only to a point. Often people who do this don't see that in their mission to always be blunt, etc, they're making every conversation about them. Conversations should be about both people involved, not just the one.

A lot of the time when we talk, we just speak without taking even the smallest second to consider our words. I'm just as guilty of this as anyone else. Which, okay, if you don't give a toss about the person you're speaking to, I guess that's fine. However, if you care, perhaps a moment, even just the smallest moment of considering your next words will make a difference on whether or not you bring the person closer to you or drive them farther away. If you want no one near you, well, I guess that doesn't matter. But if you do, perhaps not being the cloud over someone else's sunshine is in order.

Glimpses

I realize this is blurry and has rust on it, but it's a very old photo so that isn't surprising. I was going through a box of random crap and found this picture in a Christmas ornament frame. This is a picture of me and Cat Unknown from when I was clearly under two. I have no idea why this is a black and white photo. I may be old, but I know they had color photographs in the 1970s.

I think it's really neat that Unknown Cat and I get along. I wouldn't think the cat would let me touch him/her like that unless she/he liked me. I think it's adorable how engaged I am with this animal and I can only imagine the joy I probably felt. I also think my little feet are adorable.

However, to me, the best part about this picture is what is in the background.  Those are the windows from my grandmother's kitchen. When I was little, those windows and everything else connected to that house added up to my greatest source of joy and comfort.  It was where I was the happiest. It was where I was the safest. I can almost imagine her looking out of those windows to check on me. Most of the time, even at a very young age, I was left to wander around on my own, but the occasional look was thrown in my direction to make sure I wasn't about to touch the electric fence or something. I mean, I still touched it, but only that once.

I've not seen those windows in over 30 years. My grandparents moved from the area and you really couldn't see them from the road. Now the house has been demolished and that view is gone forever. With this in mind, I'm glad I found the picture.

Free the Nip . . . but Not Yours

It seems that plastic surgery for nipples is on an upswing. The reason why? Well, now that Free the Nipple is a thang, some women are feeling pressured to not show the nips they have naturally, but some society standard of the Perfect Nipple. Because, of course they did. Because, of course, some standard of the Perfect Nipple somehow becomes the only socially acceptable nipple to show.

This completely COMPLETELY defeats the purpose of what this movement was trying to do. Free the Nipple was about making female nipples no more sexualized or forbidden than male nipples. And when I say 'no more than'  we have to recognize that male chests are still sexualized, just not to the extent that people feel they have to be covered up and shamed.

This movement was meant to ease the burden of the sexual pressure on women. It was supposed to help women to normalize on social settings, so what they wear and how they look would be less of a factor.

But no. No, it can't be that. The more the female nipple becomes free, the bigger cage someone is going to put it in. There just really is no damned way to win with these people.

Better

It rained last night so things were better today. I got some reasonable sleep past the rainstorm and managed to wake up hating the world a little less. I also made some decisions about how to better get water into my system. This may improve more than just my disposition, but at least hopefully improve that.

Hazel the Cat wandered through the house twice today. Once to avoid birds. The next time just to be seen. She's still not ready to become an inside cat, but perhaps one day. Oh, and we're still not sure if she's a she. It was nice to get to pet her. Tink still won't let me touch her willingly.

I watched the first season of Castlevania and liked it. I'm on Dracula's side though. I tend to be.

Bad Day

Today was difficult. It was really hot and very humid. I couldn't even nap because it was so hot. We finally turned the AC on, but the damage had been done by then. I got overheated and now my body is still nauseous and woozey from it. I've been drinking lots of water and doing what I can, but damn, this is hard. Summer needs to end soon.

The Fattest Woman in the Room

Roxane Gay is one of my heroes. See, I didn't really have people I looked up to when I was growing up, not in a conventional way. I loved Siouxsie Sioux and Kate Bush, but I didn't feel that kind of deep, intense connection with them that one feels with a hero. I admired them and I respect their talent, but there was always a fundamental something missing about me really feeling that WOW thing on a personal level.

With Roxane Gay, it's different. This woman gets it. Like me, she's fat. Not just a little fat, but very fat. The kind of fat where you just can't accept things on a body positivity level and go on with your life. Mostly because everything in the damned world is made too small for your life. The article that I posted above explains a lot of this. She talks about the annoyance, the humiliation, and most of all, the pain.

I think where she reaches hero status for me is that despite all of the pain and hell, she's still OUT there. She still writes her books. She still says what she wants to say. She still travels by plane and makes speaking engagements. That is far more brave than anything I've ever done with my life nad I admire the hell out of her for it.

I'd like to meet Roxane Gay. I'd like to tell her how much I admire her. I'd also like for her to have the nice experience of NOT being the fattest woman in the room for once.

Summer Complaining

I hate summer so much. Even the little joys I could get out of it in the past are dwindling.  Last night is a good example of that. Normally on the 4th of July, we sit outside and watch the fireworks. It's a small thing, but it's our thing. It's been a tradition since we moved to this house.

This year, we didn't do it. The displays were in a different location and harder to see. It was so muggy sitting on the porch would have been uncomfortable, and there were too many night bugs crawling and creeping around. Like I said, I know this is a small thing, but it meant a lot and this year it just couldn't happen.

I also like the strange, off-season TV shows that happen during the summer. This year, aside from Face Off and American Ninja Warrior, there just isn't a lot on. We've tried several other shows, but aside from a few talent search contests, none of them were any good. This leaves us with days on days of nothing on, which always seems like such a waste of money to me.

I get that for many people, summer is a fun time of year. I am not trying to drag your enjoyment down. I'm glad you have it.

For me, however, it's like summer weather amplifies all the shit that is difficult in my life. My pain intensifies. There are nights when I honestly cannot find a comfortable position. Sheets and pillow cases in humid conditions stick to you, begin to bite into your skin, and are often itchy. I'm always hot, always wet, and always irritated because of it. Because of this and my CPAP mask, I never get good sleep during the summer.

My feet keep a special level of swollen to them. Right now my shoes are on and they are making my feet feel like fire. I don't want them on, but if I walk and step on something, my swollen feet make it feel ten times worse than it normally would. Going anywhere, which is always an ordeal, becomes a bigger ordeal when it's hot. I never feel clean, even just after a bath.

I get that I'm not in the level of pain that some people are, but I am in pain. Sitting is painful. I have to keep a sheet on my chair to keep the itchy material from touching me, but during the summer the sheet will bunch up and start digging into my legs if I'm in shorts. I have to be in shorts because it's too hot to deal with things otherwise. Every part of my body hurts. There is no 'not in pain' there is just a sense of temporarily being in less pain for a few moments when I find a position that isn't awful, but it never lasts. My legs hurt when they're down but fall asleep and begin to cramp when I put them on the ottoman.

It will be a little easier when it gets hot enough to turn on the AC. At least then the humidity will leave the house for a while. At least then there will be some level of comfort. It won't stop all of the awfulness, but it stops a bit of it.

Until then, I'm in pain, anxious, irritated, lacking in sleep, and generally bitchy. I'm sure I'm pure joy to deal with right now. Fuck summer.

Cards

I can be pretty sentimental about things. Sentimental to the point of hoarding. I was sorting through a box of crap and found one of my stashes of greeting cards. I have quite a few stashes of them, here and there. Birthday cards. Christmas cards. Cards sent from people when they just wanted to lighten my day. I don't keep absolutely every one of them, but I keep quite a few. Some of them I've had since I was a very small child.

So I'm not sure what to really do with them. What DO people do with cards? I certainly don't want to throw them away. Some of them were very carefully considered when given to me. Others have messages from people who have since died. The idea of losing them hurts my heart, but I do have them kind of just stashed around. They need something better than that. I'm just not sure what.

Perhaps when it's less horribly humid I can think of a good place for them.

The Hank from Hell

There are times when I have to accept that my ability to work with yarn is limited. As much as I would like to dream that I can do anything I want with it, I most certainly cannot. In fact, sometimes I shouldn't even be allowed to touch it. A while back I had to put up a skein of yarn because I lacked the skill to make it look like, well, anything that anyone would want. It saddened me, but I was also relieved because the whole process had gotten so frustrating that I somewhat considered setting the yarn on fire.

So earlier this week, I decided I would make a gift for a friend. I got out a twisted bunch of yarn and began to undo it. I think I touched it all of maybe three times before it was the biggest, most chaotic hellmess of yarn I had ever seen. It was horrible and overwhelming. I'd seen boxes full of 30 discarded ends of yarn less matted together than this was. For a few minutes, I honestly considered just stuffing it back in its box and forgetting it existed. However, I wanted to use it so, instead, I resolved to organize it.

I found an hour long mix of the Mortal Kombat theme and promised myself I would only tackle it an hour at a time. It was so horrible. I've never faced a yarn mess like that. Sometimes I would unwind and pull things through loops for like 15 minutes, only to get the most minor of progress. I kept at it, but it was seriously on my nerves. I was thinking some seriously evil thoughts by the time I was into my second hour.

Later my roommate came out and asked me how the unraveling was going. "I do not want to talk about it" was all I could say. I have no idea if my voice sounded as broken and soul-destroyed to him as it did to me.

Two days later, when I finally made it through the whole insanity, I watched a video about the proper way to deal with a hank of yarn. I realized my mistakes . . . some of them . . . and tried again. I still ended up having to unravel some of it, but it was nowhere near as bad.

I'm very glad this yarn is crocheting up pretty because otherwise I might set things on fire.