Stealing Sunshine

Sometimes I think one of the places where we mess up the most in school is failing to teach people how to properly communicate. A conversation is a balancing act that requires some skill. You can't just blather on at someone and expect them to ever be interested in speaking to you again. There is a give and take to it.  Unfortunately, a lot of people never figure this out and just dominate conversations.

Often we don't seem to understand the point of a discussion. If someone is trying to express an emotion to you of a positive nature, they are usually trying to share a bit of their life experience with you. It's an invitation. Now you may have related things to say to them, but you should consider whether or not those things will add to the discussion or detract from it.

For instance, if someone is sharing something with you and you can see they are feeling a lot of joy and happiness from what they are saying, consider if the stuff you plan to say back is going to add to that happiness and expand on it. If it is, then speak. If not, especially if you're just going to bring the conversation down, perhaps consider not sharing and just enjoy their fun.

Example:

Person A: I just found an article about the band I love the most. It details the time when they recorded my favorite album.
Person B: Ughh, that album is about doing drugs and as I'm trying to be sober now, I can't stand it. Reading that would just take me to this dark place where I'd feel awful. It sucks now that everything I loved about my teen years is tied to things that caused me so much pain.

Now, is the stuff that Person B says true and valid to them? Yes. Does it add to the joy that Person A expressed and make their relationship stronger? No. It makes Person A feel LESS interested in sharing things with Person B because while Person B's struggle with sobriety is important, that struggle should not overshadow the joy of Person A.

Better example:

Person A: I just found an article about the band I love the most. It details the time when they recorded my favorite album.
Person B: *considers talking about their sobriety issues, realizes it isn't the point at the moment, sees the happy look on Person A's face* Hey, that's great!

See, a lot of people talking about 'keeping it real' and always speaking the truth and being blunt and all. That's fine, but only to a point. Often people who do this don't see that in their mission to always be blunt, etc, they're making every conversation about them. Conversations should be about both people involved, not just the one.

A lot of the time when we talk, we just speak without taking even the smallest second to consider our words. I'm just as guilty of this as anyone else. Which, okay, if you don't give a toss about the person you're speaking to, I guess that's fine. However, if you care, perhaps a moment, even just the smallest moment of considering your next words will make a difference on whether or not you bring the person closer to you or drive them farther away. If you want no one near you, well, I guess that doesn't matter. But if you do, perhaps not being the cloud over someone else's sunshine is in order.