The Hard Side of Kindness

I've been seeing a lot of pithy, annoying cliche statements about suicide prevention lately. Little notes left on bridges that you're giving the pain to someone else. Little cheery messages about how you should opt to be happy instead of sad. Children with big sad eyes cast upward to let adults know that it will hurt them if you do it.

Guess what? That isn't helping.

There are a lot of reasons why people kill themselves, but I think one of the main ones is that they just feel drained. Emotionally, everyone and everything around them is sucking out their life force already. People keep demanding their attention, demanding their input, demanding they be entertaining, involved, the punching bag, the emotional worker, the physical worker. Those big sad eyes of kids probably do less to keep people alive and more to drive them towards their method of life ending choice.

Look, I know people mean well when they try to keep others from killing themselves. At least, I hope they do. But if that is really your goal, you need new tactics. LISTEN TO THEM. Why are they at the end of their rope? Are they tired, hopeless, drained? Don't just tell them to 'get happy' or to 'think about someone else.' It doesn't work that way.

Ask them what happy feels like to them. Ask them to imagine a moment when they felt pure joy. Ask them to think about what gives them pleasure in a non-sexual way. Is it digging their fingers into dirt? Is it ice cream? Is it a long car ride listening to music?

Happiness isn't a default state and it certainly cannot be a continuous one. Contentment can be continuous, though even that has its downside. However, with contentment comes a sense of being filled and emotionally sated, not drained.

Here's the hard truth though. Sometimes people just can't find a moment of joy to remember. They can't grasp the idea of happiness. With people like this, who have only contention and pain and anger and displeasure and misery and despair in their lives, you need to let them make their own decisions about if they choose to continue to live or not. I mean, some people THRIVE on constant miserable bitching and it's honestly the thing that makes them happy. But for others, perhaps ending the pain is the best thing for them. That isn't giving up on your part. It's being kind.

Sleepy Monday

It rained most of the day and this kept me sleepy. I rested as much as I could, but it wasn't easy. There is a lot of tension right now and it's annoying. Then again, with all this cosmic retrograde going on, everything is annoying.

I'm trying my best to just be quiet and keep my mind focused on positive goals. It's the best I can do, besides sleep.

Quick Post

It's in the 80s for the next few days. It's rainy and dreary. I wish it was cooler than it feels, but the humidity is very high right now. Bah.

I'm trying my best to stay positive. Actually, I'm trying my best just to stay still and pleasant and not be reactionary about all this cosmic stuff. I'm doing my best here, but then again, I did forget it was Saturday today and had myself a full day ahead of time.

Hopefully my newly found Sunday will be good, as will yours.

Blood Moon Anger Mood

I keep reading a lot about this eclipse/blood moon situation. Apparently, for the next two weeks or so, everyone and everything is supposed to be really intense. There will be a lot of insane crisis going on and many people will just be deeply emotional and mad.

Well, that's just . . . lovely.

What I found most interesting about this was the location of many of these posts. People were talking about this in groups where long-term illnesses are a common factor. It seems that many people with Lyme, Lupus, etc suffer from cosmic effects. Yes, I know many people probably rolled their eyes at that. People also used to not believe there was a link between washing your hands and getting sick.

Anyway, if things go crazy for you over the next few weeks, just ride it out. If you feel more annoyed than usual, try not to do anything drastic. It should probably calm down after a bit.

Double Standards

In my experiment of pretending to be male on a game, I've noticed a lot of interesting things. There is a certain level of respect I am afforded, due to my gender and country of origin that others do not get.

For instance, my ranking is never criticized. I work on my characters and their powers. I plan things, consider things, and do what I can to avoid mistakes. This has given me a very powerful character with a very high ranking. No one ever calls me 'ambitious' or 'greedy' for what I do. In fact, there have been many times when I was given things by other players because they respected how diligent I have been when working on my stuff.

My guildmates have followed my lead on this. Any of them who are also male and native English speakers have been treated with the same respect I'm given. However, any of them who are not those two things are criticized for what they do. They're called greedy for playing hard and taking high ranking in things. They are criticized for beating the 'in' group. They are insulted, targeted, and bullied for playing the exact same way that I play. It's such bullshit.

What amazes me about it is how the people who are criticizing my guild don' understand how they're exposing their own fear and insecurities. As always, people tell you exactly who they are.

Memories of Cats

Since I have lived with my roommate, we have had many cats in our lives. Tonight I want to honor their memories.

Julian was a black and white tuxedo kitty. He came from Heavener and he and his brother Salem gave me ringworm. They were the first to have the traditional magical names. Julian was sleek and patient. He had a temper, but it took a lot to get him to bop someone. And he would only bop, never claw. He was sensitive to the humans around him and when my roommate was ill, Julian sat with him and tended to him emotionally. Rowan loved him dearly. We used to joke that she was a widow after he died.

Salem was black and white like his brother, but his fur was fluffy and soft. He had strange little prrrt noises and tended to be rather clueless about the world around him. He did like leather boots and would flirt with anyone who wore them. He lived a very long time and brought us much joy. He often misunderstood how things worked. For instance, he thought that if he got warm laying on my legs in the winter, naturally he would get cooler if he laid on me during the summer.

Rowan was handed to us by a neighbor. She was so tiny she fit in my hand and still had to be bottle-fed. She was white, with orange tips. Her fur was slick and very fine. She didn't meow so much as bark orders at us. Rowan was smart, insistent, and jealous when others got attention. She showed her affection by nipping people. That cat probably bit me every day of her life. When she was very tiny she would sleep curled up in my shirt.

Her sister Rhiannon was handed to us the next day. She was the most beautiful kitten I'd ever seen, cream colored and fluffy. She was grumpy and opinionated. She hated any cat that came from outside and hated riding in cars. Rowan loved her so much we worried Rowan wouldn't last long after Nanny died. She didn't. Nanny loved my roommate the most. She would sleep with me sometimes, but she sat with him a lot. She liked to bury her head against his side.

Alice was the first cat to move in once we lived in the current house. She was missing a lot of fur and had many health issues, but her personality was amazing. She was very photogenic. Our cat Tinkerbell loved Alice a lot and adopted her as her mother. Alice was a fighter, strong and resilient. She was very happy once she had a home with us and loved my roommate a great deal.

It hurts a lot when cats pass. I've never had an easy time with it. However, the joy they bring to my life (and hopefully the comfort I bring to theirs), has enriched me so much. I love my cats and celebrate their lives. Hopefully, their little ghost selves know this.

The Good Points

As much as I hate on summer, it's kind of sad that it's coming to a close. Sure, we still have August to make things hot, but everyone will be back in school and things will start gearing toward Fall.

My roommate pointed out that I'd been crabby about the season. Honestly, I shouldn't be. That does me no mental or emotional good. To that end, I'll point out some things I DO love about summer.

I love the night sounds. I like the crickets, the whippoorwills, and the frogs. Their songs at night used to lull me to sleep when I was little.

I love the fact that I get good water pressure. Our cold water always has far better pressure than the hot. Because of this, during the winter, you have to turn the cold down to almost nothing. During the summer, you can crank that cold all the way up. It's glorious.

The light levels are better during summer. It isn't just that we have sunlight for a longer amount of time, we also have better light during the day. It hits us at a far more pleasing angle.

I love the instant relief of the AC. Seriously, in some ways, that is the best feeling, just that delicious cold hitting you and your mind soothing away all the hot spidery thoughts because you know, at least for a while, things will be okay.

See? It isn't all bad.

Good Monday

Today was awesome! We had errands that went okay and then a trip to the city that also went okay. The food was good, we both laughed a lot, and the weather wasn't evil. It was still warm enough to have the AC on, but not so evil that the AC didn't matter. I'm actually comfortable now and anticipate good sleep.

I just wanted to document this day in summer when I wasn't being Complainy Bitch.

Grr Grrs

It's only 76 and it only feels 81, but for some reason, my body just can't adjust. I should be happy right now. I should be cool. I'm not. I'm hot, sweaty, nasty, and as uncomfortable as hell. It's awful.

In an hour it's supposed to be 75 and only feel 75. Maybe I'll be happier then. I don't know. Maybe it's just the house holding heat. That's annoying. It doesn't hold heat in the winter. All the doors are open right now. All the windows are opened to the screens. I've killed at least ten bugs. This house does precious little to keep things out of it. Right now, I'm not all that impressed with the state of my shelter.

Also, I'm still pissed off about the doctor's appointment. I don't want to go back next month. They said I was on a yearly schedule last year. I've shown no signs of re-occurrence. I think I should still be on my yearly and I'm angry this was changed without even discussing it with me. It makes me feel really out of control of the situation.

It doesn't help that I've been having the occasional surgical trauma dream. Last night I dreamed about robots digging into my belly. I could hear the drills, smell the gore, feel as they ripped me open. I mean, in all actuality, I was knocked out for that part, but still.

I'm just adorably positive tonight, huh?

Bad Weekend

The person I usually spend my online weekends with was gone. With my usual distraction from the heat missing, I was pretty annoyed. This weather is doing me in. Even today, when it's cloudy and slightly cooler, the humidity is so high that it's torturous. I haven't been dry in days. I hate summer so much.

I'll be glad when it goes away.

Hot

It's hot and I didn't sleep well last night. It's hot and I'm in a weird place emotionally. It's hot and I'm disturbed by some stuff happening in the world around me. It's hot and I feel kind of empty tonight. It's hot and I feel kind of anxious tonight.

It's hot.

Own It

Today I had to deal with a situation in my guild. Two of my guild members have an arrangement for kills in one of the cross-server events. This is a very common practice and one people tend to ignore. However, my guild member is also very good at getting other kills and things, so he often ends up on the Leader Board.

This angered some of the old lions and today they started attacking him over and over again, claiming he was cheating for having a prior arrangement. He asked me about it, worried he would be kicked from the guild. I told him he'd done nothing wrong.

I see this kind of thing happen a lot in the game and in real life, of course, but I see it most often in the game. People will look for any excuse, any small infraction, even imaged ones, and use that to justify their actions. 

"I see what you're doing as cheating so I'm going to target you."

"You killed someone who agreed to let you kill them and that makes me mad so I'm going to kill you without your agreement just to show you how right I am. Over and over again."

"Someone didn't properly thank me for helping them so now I'm going to be selfish."

Whatever, people.

Look, if you want to be selfish, if you want to kill other players, if you want to do whatever else in the game that makes you look like an asshole, do it. BUT OWN IT. Don't try to justify the behavior that is benefitting you by saying you're doing it to correct someone else. That isn't your place and you have no right to do so.

This is like people justifying raping someone based on that person's behavior beforehand. This is like terrorizing someone and then claiming you did so because of their actions. No matter what these people did, no matter how horrible it may have been, you are still doing things that would make you a rapist and a terrorist. There are no actions done by someone else that justify you doing that kind of thing.

This is part of human nature, of course. I'm just as guilty as anyone else. If someone starts targeting me in certain events, I'll target them back. I'll smile when they attack me and lose. I'll laugh with glee when their plans go awry. However, I always remind myself that I am in no way the better person for my actions.

I'm just as spiteful, selfish, and sneaky as anyone else.

Appointment Hell

I got a letter from the cancer doctor saying they'd been trying to contact me and I needed to schedule an appointment. I secured the times when my best friend could drive me up there and started trying to make this happen. For about a week, we played phone tag.

Finally, they called me and no, my appointment will NOT be in December as it has been for the last several years, it will be next month. August 20th, I'm headed back to Tulsa. I'm pretty sure this is NOT what my doctor wanted and I'm thinking someone got confused along the way. Whatever the case, my appointment is months ahead of when it should be and now I'm trying not to lowkey tizzy about it.

My roommate decided to go with me. This is close to his birthday so we can do his birthday dinner up there after the appointment. Past that, I have no idea if they'll want to see me in a year or six months or what.

Honestly, all I know is that this is annoying and I have to drive to Tulsa in August heat. Dammit.

Shelter

Hey Qween interviewed Mayhem Miller this week. She was talking about coming out to her religious parents and as is the case with a lot of religious kids, they didn't accept it.

When she was 18, she got into a huge fight with her dad and knew she could never go back. She talked about going out to the club and just dancing and dancing, trying not to think about what would happen when the club closed. When it did, she headed out into the street, thinking she'd just try to find someplace to lay down and figure out what to do.

Fortunately, a friend of hers drove by and found out what was happening. He took her to the store and bought the basic items needed for someone to get by and told her to stay with him for the time being. Mayhem could name every single item he bought and did so with a voice full of grateful wonder.

I cried at this point. Shelter and acceptance are so vital to our existence as people. Shelter isn't just about the roof over your head. It's also about the sense of safety, of belonging, that everyone needs. A tube of toothpaste is common and to most of us, just some mundane item that we pick up to perform a function of basic hygiene. But the tube of toothpaste her friend bought for Mayhem was, at that moment, everything. It was part of her safety items, part of her acceptance into his home. It was part of what kept her going.

Again, again, and always, I will say, kindness is the greatest form of anarchy. Selfishness is our default. Violence is common. But kindness, even the smallest act of it, is transformative, beautiful, and imprints on people in ways beyond what we ever intended.

Validation

I think I'm beautiful.

I fully well realize I'm also massively overweight with tons of extra chins and boobs that sag to another country and lots of bulging this and thats. I also know my hair is thin and whispy. I sweat a lot. I have a weird nose. My eyebrows are disappearing. Honestly, it doesn't matter. I still think I'm beautiful. It's just one of those things I've always believed.

I also don't think YOU have to think I'm beautiful. That's completely fine. It didn't use to be. I used to be mad when people rejected the truth of my beauty. Now I realize that beauty is rather subjective and what I see in the mirror or from the perspective of my eyes or feel with my hands isn't what other people will experience. I can lounge naked on my bed and feel beautiful. Possibly no one else would see it that way. That's fine.

I will never force acceptance of my beauty on anyone else either. To me, body acceptance means YOU accept YOU. It doesn't mean everyone else has to. Now I don't think this gives them the right to kill you over it, but at the same time, they don't have to date you either. People have the right to decide who they love and who they have sex with. We've fought too hard and too long for those rights for someone to run over them with 'I'm forcing you to love me.' That just isn't how things work.

Do I believe that if you love yourself then you will find someone who also loves you and get married and live happily ever after? No. That's magical thinking at its worst. The thing is, if you really love yourself, you don't have to have the marriage and someone else. You have the validation you need already. I don't have that every second of the day, but tonight I do and it feels amazing.

Grumpy Again

I need to start writing posts earlier. This waiting until it's late, humid, and the AC is off . . . this is a bad idea. I'm always in a crappy mood by now. Earlier I was in a pretty decent mood (because the AC was on and my temp was in a better place). Now I'm just crabby.

Anyway, on a positive note, I found a beauty blogger with a face about the size of mine. It was interesting to see her do makeup from a larger perspective. I learned quite a few things. I got my hair cut again. It's super, super short and I'm completely okay with this as it's also the least hot my head has felt in a while. I would say I was sacrificing comfort for beauty, but to be honest, my hair always looks like crap when it's long anyway, so this is probably my best option.

I'll try to write earlier tomorrow.

Humid

I had positive fun stuff to write tonight, but I can't do that. It's just too damned hot. The humidity is insane. I hate this and I hate being here right now. Ughh.

Stupid summer.

Dumb Shipping

I needed a new massager (not that kind, you pervs!) and my roommate found one at Walmart online for a decent price. The problem was, the price was just good enough to slide under the free shipping option. He searched around for something to make up the difference and got a 2 dollar thing of chapstick.

This is where things get really stupid. The free shipping for a minimum order implies that it's a way for the store to make sure they get money enough to compensate for the free shipment. The next thing we know, the massager and the chapstick will be sent separately, so already, they're spending more money than they would make on the shipping.

Then I get the boxes in. Both boxes are far larger than the products sent. I get that you need to make the box somewhat larger to add padding, but these boxes were massive compared to what was inside them. When you consider that the shipping fee was based partially on box size, this gets even more expensive.

I mean, I didn't have to pay for it, but still. If you're going to ship two products so people meet your minimum price, Walmart, make sure you put them in the same box.

Freak Storm

When my roommate was cooking dinner, there was a weird, sharp crack of thunder. With little to no rain chances in the forecast, this was odd, but at first, we assumed it was just random. It was soon followed by another equally strange thundering and soon the rain was falling with a fury.

It didn't last very long, so I just blew it off as a small, freak storm, but apparently, things were easy on us. Downtown, roofs blew off buildings, trees were downed, a lot of limbs broke. The crazy thing is, this storm only lasted a few minutes. Such a strange day.

Ugggh

I'm angry right now, so keep that in mind when you read this post.

In the game I play, there are a couple of cross-server aspects that have to be done as daily goals. One involves several tasks with the Capture the Flag game as its basis. You get rewards for accomplishing certain set tasks and for only those tasks, with one exception . . . you still get points even after you reach your daily limit on rewards. The purpose of this is to encourage people to help others to reach their goals.

Unfortunately, there are some people who are assholes and they spend their time racking up points at the expense of everyone else getting their rewards. Not only do they continue to do this throughout the day, but they will ridicule anyone who tries to protest what they're doing. It's basically like an angry child screaming at everyone when they're eating all the donuts and no one else gets one.

Their justifications are so lame. One of them was quoting The Matrix (BECAUSE OF COURSE HE WAS!!!) and acting like he and his fellow dickbags were enlightened by loopholing the rules and being greedy instead of just doing their daily tasks and leaving. No. You're not enlightened. You're just a bastard.

At the end of the day, King of the Dickbags had raked up just under 100,000 pts. The thing is, he got no more rewards for this than he would had he been a decent person and played the game as such. I suppose that is impossible for some people.

The Yard

My roommate pays a lot more attention to the animals outside than I do. It's a gift of his, to notice all the birds and squirrels and dragonflies. I'm rather uncomfortable with nature and try my best to just get out of it as soon as possible. He, however, allows it to be part of his life.

He noted that lately, animals have been avoiding our yard. We used to have quite a few birds living around us, some squirrels, porch cats, and the like. He's noticed they don't come here as much as they used to. In some cases, like the squirrels, they will avoid our yard to go to others.

It's weird. See, this is after several years of plants dying. We've lost bushes my grandmother had kept alive for years. This used to be a yard of prosperity. My grandparents would plant two gardens every year. There would be snap peas and corn and potatoes and watermelons (and squash, so much squash). She would have flowerbeds full of color and planter boxes with so many things in them. I would see fireflies at night and dragonflies during the day.

There are some places where things still thrive. One front flower bed has a mass of tiger lilies and our little elephant ears. In the Fall, we still get a mass of mums that fall over drunkenly at the other end of the house. Our back flowerbed is full of mint and it serves as an oasis for butterflies, bees, and wasps. There is still color and there is still life.

I'm so strange about this. I don't want to BE outside or near any of this stuff, but at the same time, I want it to still be there. I want it to live and thrive and carry on its little dramas. I guess it's because it makes people I care about very happy.

Humid Day

This was one of those days when no one was happy. It was just too humid. We weren't fussing with each other, but it didn't take that. Honestly, I think the weather kept us all so tired, we didn't even feel like putting THAT much effort into it.

I'm not well and neither is my roommate. Our health is often affected by changes in the weather and unfortunately, our house is so open and old, we don't really have a lot of ways to keep control over the humidity levels. As for the cats, well, they are covered in fur. Fur and humidity are a bad combination.

On the plus side, I've been listening to Hamilton again. That soundtrack is amazing. Wish I could go see it.

Nightmares

I've been in a strange place lately. My sleep has been filled with nightmares. You know, I seriously miss nightmares about monsters. Those were easy. These are horrible.

One night I dreamed my grandparents were still alive and constantly accusing me of things I didn't do. No matter what I said, I couldn't convince them otherwise. The night after that, I dreamed I slipped and fell in a dirty public bathroom and had to walk around with other people's urine soaking my clothes.

Last night was the worst. I kept having post-trauma dreams about my hysterectomy. Because I was on pain meds at the time, the details of what happened to me tend to be blurry to me. My mind, for some awful reason, seems to have stored details I can't usually recall. Last night, it kept sending out memories of some of the more physically painful and terrifying moments. Thanks, brain.

Needless to say, I'm in a rather dark little place right now.

Reflective Friday

July continues to defy expectations and be a decent month. It's odd, but good. We got our favorite pizza today and I'm glad we did. It's been way too long. In related news, I love limes.

I think there is something to said for easy days. Often people think things need to be crazy when they really don't. A safe place to rest, a safe place to vent, a safe place to laugh . . . often life needs no more than this. I'm glad I have this.

Summer Blah

Actually, it's rather cool right now so I can't complain THAT much, however, as my roommate said in his post, summer is really getting the best of both of us. He was sick with some heat issues yesterday. I was sick with them this morning. After I napped and things cooled down, it wasn't so bad, but before that, I had a few hours of awful.

I hate summer. I didn't used to. I used to love it because of the no school thing. Now it's hellish. I'm not sure if it's because it's hotter or I'm fatter or if it's just because I have nothing fun to do and my house is unpleasant. Though, I'm not sure how it could be the last one because this is the same house I lived in back then. All I know is that summer is literally making me sick.

Rise Up

As usual, we stayed on the fringes of things today. I watched people's fireworks from the comfort of the living room and did my best to console the cats. We had soup for dinner. We took out the trash. In many ways, it was any other Wednesday.

I did post the article about Lola on my Facebook page and talked about how important freedom is. Freedom to have dignity. Freedom to have safety. Freedom to walk your own paths and plant your own gardens.

I'll leave the 4th with this quote from Hamilton, some of the last words Alexander says before he dies.

America, you great unfinished symphony, you sent for me
You let me make a difference
A place where even orphan immigrants
Can leave their fingerprints and rise up

Why Not?

Amanda Palmer wrote that Neil Gaiman once told her that you can't ask for something if you can't imagine that something. This is very true and I believe it's one of the reasons there always seems to be this effort to limit people's imaginations.

I think one of the most potent questions anyone can ask is "Why not?" I honestly believe that is what started this whole America thing. People believed they couldn't defy the king and some other people asked: "Why not?" People thought they couldn't win a war against the might of the English Empire and some other people asked: "Why not?"

This happens every day. People say fat people can't be beautiful, and suddenly you have fat people (and others) challenging that idea. People say men can't be amazing, sensitive stay at home parents but there are men who are challenging that. People say we're incapable of change and yet some people strive to alter their destructive behaviors. If there is a concept that people believe is finite, why not challenge it, just to see if you can?

I live in my head a lot. I'm many people in my mind, some of them even spill out into the real world because I opt to let them interact with others. Why limit me to one person? This has, many times, saved me, comforted me, and healed me. If there is something you want to do, do it. If there is something you want to imagine to be possible, let your mind explore that idea. Keep pushing.

July

Bah. It was hot, muggy, and sticky today. The humidity was horrible and I'm in an awful mood because of it. Bah! Anyway, that's all for today. Hello, July. You smell like wet dog.