Pay your Artists

One of the Youtubers I watch went through quite the drama this weekend. He'd posted a vlog about his coming out story and got rather emotional about it (it was a bad situation). In doing so, he probably mentioned more than he intended about his current financial situation. Some people were kind about that. Others did what they could to help him. Some people, however, couldn't help themselves and be critical.

The next day he did a video where he talked about how people were coming for him because they don't think he's handling what money he has in a frugal way. They think he isn't trying hard enough to find work. They took every aspect he had revealed about his life and used it to try and rake him over the coals. It was sad, but not surprising.

Here's the thing. This man does videos almost every day. Some are edited, like his Rupaul reviews, others are live chats where he engages for at least an hour with his audience, answering their questions, and talking to them. In the midst of this, he also runs his Instagram and Twitter, engaging with people and posting content to both. In other words, the amount of hours he spends entertaining his followers (between editing, recording, live vlogging, and engaging) is MORE than the hours one would put into a full-time job. And I've noticed that people want him to do even more content than he's already doing.

So he IS putting in the work. He asks for patrons at the top of his videos and then quickly at the end. He gives links in the comments to let you know where to go. That's all he does. He isn't begging for money. When you 'beg' for money there is the understanding that nothing will be given in return. Instead what he is doing is asking to be paid for the work he's doing. He's asking to be paid for providing the content his followers have demanded. He's asking to be given compensation for the hours he spends on his art so that he can continue to do the art.

A lot of people GET this or at least they're starting to get it more than they did. Artists are trying their best to cut out the middlemen because said figures tended to take more than they were ever really providing to the artists they claimed to be helping. Some people believe they should get all their content for free, and the truth is, you CAN get it for free. So long as others are doing the patronage, you can watch people all day long and never donate a dime.  However, some people feel they not only have the right to get entertained for free but also to be angry that someone would ask to be paid for their work. That isn't right.

All that will do is drive people away from creating the things that are entertaining us. 

Late

Sometimes I go back to look at the posts I wrote last year. By this time, I was already starting to feel my emotions even out and my anxiety got really quiet. It was, honestly, the best I'd felt in years. It lasted for several weeks and I loved it.

It isn't happening this year. At least, not yet. There are differences, of course. Spring of '18 was peaceful. This year there have been hospital trips and massive car issues and all kinds of other stress. Last year was also very clearly SPRING by this point. Right now it still rather feels like the dregs of winter. So maybe my Mellow will come back.

I really, really hope it does.

Tired

I am so tired this week. I ended up having to do a lot more stuff (and a lot more stressful stuff) than I had intended. Now I need to spend my weekend trying to get paperwork sorted and trying my best to make sure things stay working as they have been. Blah.

Hopefully things will be calmer next week.

Good Impression

My medical provider recently moved to her own building and today was my first time there. I was seriously impressed. Everything looked clean, professional, and organized.

The parking is good and the entry looks inviting. The building is well-lit and has decent windows. The waiting room is large and no one has to sit too near anyone else. At the same time, the waiting room isn't so massive that you just feel overwhelmed by it. BEST OF ALL, the seating is made from plastic and metal, meaning that someone can clean it very, very often. I'm not sitting in a chair covered in fabric that is holding someone's flu germs.  The seating isn't all that comfortable, but it's a fine tradeoff for knowing it's cleaned on the daily.

I felt good there. I had a long wait, but I still felt good about the experience. I'm glad she made the change.

New comp

Okay I am on the new comp. It's a little wonky because the keys seem weird and my fingers don't want to go there. The t key seems really far away from where it should be. If I don't think about it I can do it, but it really isn't that easy. I did manage to get some writing notes finished and I think being around my best friend's kid will end up counting as movement. So things I wanted to accomplish today will happen. Yay

Ghosts

Watching one of the Conjuring movies tonight. What is up with ghosts? Why are they always angry assholes? How come ghosts never redo your house or bake bread or wash your dishes? I mean scaring the bejesus out of people has got to get awkward after a while and besides, all the other ghost are doing it.

If I'm a ghost after I die, I'm going to be harmless. I'll just knit and teach the children about good music.

Storm Blah

We had March storms today. Lots of wind and lightning. I was still kind of in a daze about the One More Thing and just lacked all focus. I forgot to do stuff I should have done. I felt insanely tired. I'm hoping for better sleep tonight and maybe a better day tomorrow.

The One More Thing

In the midst of all the other stress that's been happening since last Fall, I guess I forgot that time had crept up to the point where I have to do early paperwork. When I got it today, I just kind of wilted inside.

I mean, it isn't that I can't do this. I have the stuff I need. I have the items they'll require. I can fill everything out just fine. The problem is that this is just one more thing on top of a cycle of other things that have been stressing me out for months now.

I was in a daze for the rest of the day. I just sat here and stared. It felt like way too much.

Minimum

I managed to get through my basic daily goals today, though it kind of felt like pulling teeth to do so. How can I be so creative in my brain but unable to put it on paper? Seriously I've mostly been working on one story for two weeks now. Uggh.

Anyway, I also had to make an appointment to see my health provider. That's next Wednesday at 3. I'm hoping it doesn't wear me out completely.

Fat Girl Problems

Conversation at McDonalds

Me: No wait, I just ordered the 10 piece Nuggets. You charged me 5 dollars.

McD: Yes. The ten is 5.

Me:.....no, the 20 is 5.

McD: The 20 piece is 5.69....I think. The 10 is 5.

Me: That makes no sense.

McD: Do you want the 20?

Me: No, I want to know why the 10 piece is almost the same price as something twice as big as it is.

McD: You can get 6 for 2 dollars.

Me: .....okay, fine.

Me: *later as I'm still in line* Dammit that six for 2 isn't a good deal either!

Off the Plate

I didn't post yesterday and I know I've not been that consistent with it. Monday was A LOT. We had to go shopping, deal with car repairs, still try to assess the state of the freezer, and then try to locate the dude who mows the lawn.

That last part proved more difficult than usual. He changes phones frequently and often doesn't send out what his new number is. His parents live near us, so my roommate stopped by there to see if he would do it. It's a mess with him in the beginning. It always is.

Anyway, for the moment and probably only for the moment, it seems that things are sorted. My nerves are raw and I'm kind on the last of my emotional spoons. I'm also pretty pissed off at the universe. I need Spring to be easy, quiet, and healing. We both need some time to recharge before summer shows up and is evil.

Stressed Again

When I woke up this morning, my roommate informed me that he thought our freezer was dying. It had moisture outside of it when he went to feed the cats and things seemed to be unfreezing. He took everything out and set some bowls of water in there to see if they would freeze, just in case it was the not closing the door right or something.

As of right now, it looks like it was just the door thing. The freezer was opened yesterday and sometimes it's difficult to get the thing to close. The water is frozen and looks to be staying that way, but he kept everything out of it overnight just to be certain.

The thing is, this freezer is almost 20 years old. If it goes out, that is a long, long run of service. It isn't so much the idea of it dying that bothers me, it's the timing. We're still in the middle of trying to deal with all of Blair's repairs and right now I have no idea if we're finished with them or not.

So, hopefully, the freezer will decide to hold on for another year or so.

Brave Souls

I'm a coward.

There are people who came to this country in slow ships across vast oceans looking for a better life. They had nothing. The conditions were horrible. Some of these people are my ancestors and I am proud of them. I also know I never could have done this.

There are people who walk miles and miles and miles to safety. They carry all they have on their bodies. They know they are coming to a place where no one wants them, but they also know it's safer than where they were. I could never do this.

There are people who go where everything about them is misunderstood, even hated. They go to countries where people believe they're only there to destroy things. They go where their religion will always be in the minority. They go where people will use any excuse to blame them for things. They go anyway because they know these places are still better than where they were. And I could never do that.

Sometimes I think people hate immigrants because they, like me, also know they're cowards. They know they could never endure the hardships it takes to get to a new country. They know they could never push themselves to walk the miles or suffer the pain to go to a better land. I think they know they fear the idea of not being in the majority, of not knowing the language, of being seen as The Other.

But instead of admiring people who are far braver than they could ever be, these people lash out. They get angry at the people who did what they know they could never do. They try to minimize their accomplishments. They try to make other people hate them.

All they are really doing is exposing their own insecurities.

Bits

I like Notion.  It's not that difficult to set things up (and I was super lazy about it) and it's easy to keep some microblogging there. I like having a calendar journal where I can just log whatever progress I may (or may not) have going on.

I have been on there for 5 days now, which means there have been five days of 30 minutes of my life focused on writing and 10 minutes of my life focused on movement.

That isn't much of either, but right now, even doing just that is hard for me. Hard to put it in the routine. Hard to force myself to do the things that a. I want to do and b. I know are good for me.

So yeah. Five days. Still fat. Still in pain. Still only halfway through a story. I am, however, closer to my goals now than I was five days ago, which is better than I've done in a long while.

Wednesdays

Okay. So nothing bad happened today. However, I'm almost kind of nervous on Wednesdays now. My roommate was put into the hospital a month ago on a Wednesday (he is better now). Last week, my car decided to cause hundreds and hundreds of dollars and stress. So yeah, the middle of the week has not been my friend.

Anyway, I'm just going to be grateful that nothing happened today. Yay.

Update

After all of the hell and money, we're in this place where SOME of the car is now fixed but another part of it isn't. They had to order more parts. Parts won't be in until Monday. The car is back home, but basically we can't drive her until after this next phase. My god this is a nightmare.

Steps

Okay.

I almost hesitate to even post about this as it may jinx me. But hopefully not.

I installed the organization app Notion as a kind of accountability journal for myself. I put two goals, only two, as what I would focus on. Then I installed a calendar on the page with checkboxes on my two daily goals.

The first goal is to make progress on my writing. Blogging does not count. Even if I don't actually WRITE something, I at least have to spend 30 minutes thinking about plots, planning, taking notes, or SOMETHING. The point being, it has to be actually focused on one of the two book ideas I am currently trying to make happen.

The other goal is to do some movement. Shoulder rehab, leg rehab, something. I want to start with ten minutes of this and work toward more as time passes.

God. I have started these goals so many times. I never keep them up. I'm trying again and I'm going to try my best to analyze why I DO NOT do them when I know I should be.

There may be days when I don't feel like it, but I'm going to try and push anyway. Even if I just write crap for 30 minutes.

Maybe Notion will make the difference.

Making Peace

I've not really talked about it on the blog, but I've had this lowkey goal this year of making peace with some people/concepts/ideas/events that I keep me angry. I've started to realize the anger is just harming me and honestly does not affect the people/concepts/ideas/events at all. I mean, is it really smart to be angry when you think about Amy March or Aaron Burr?

Okay, the Burr one is going to be hard to get past.

Anyway, one of these useless emotional battles is my feud with Daylight Saving Time. It still almost kills me when it happens, but like everyone else, I adjust and just go on with my life. Sure, I love having that hour back in the Fall, but the concept is not at fault here.

Okay, PLUS, this year, I was very keenly aware of my own bouts of Seasonal Affect Disorder. I had several days of emotional flips and wanting to weep when, honestly, there were no reasons at all warrant that. My roommate is also affected by SAD (fortunately not as bad this year) and I know the longer days of sun help him a lot.

Normally on the Sunday after we Spring Forward, I am an angry, bitter, seething ball of spite. On some level, I'm still that. I especially was this morning. However, I will let that go and just embrace the change.

So, welcome, Spring Forward. Welcome, more hours of sun. Welcome, earlier mornings. Welcome, warmer weather. I extend my hands to you and invite you back into my life. We may not always get along, but I accept you and the benefits you bring.

Acceptance

I didn't post last night because I was too stressed and over the real life situation. The car needs more repairs, which means more money. Some of those repairs HAVE TO HAPPEN on days when I had other things scheduled and now everything has to be rescheduled.

I'm calmer about it today. It is what it is and the fact that I have understanding folks around me and the funding (at least at this point) to make the repairs happen is a true blessing.

I'm continuing work on my blanket. I guess that's all for now.

More and More

Yesterday we found out we had to pay almost 700$ on my car to get it stable. I was upset, but it was the first major thing wrong with the car, so okay. Still, whenever cars go into the shop, there is always that lingering feeling that something else might be discovered.

It was. The computer system is dying so that will be more money, more time, more uncertainty, more of trying to organize appointments and trips around the people who repair things and the obligations I already have. I know this happens to everyone but right now it's just exhausting and overwhelming.

I just can't with this.

Adult Woes

You know how I talked about every adult I know being in pain? It was a few posts back but the basic idea is that almost everyone I know is always in some level of physical pain.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized there were other aspects too. Almost every adult I know is also constantly tired. Almost every adult I know is suffering from some level of depression or anxiety. This isn't making a lot of sense.

Maybe I'm being paranoid. Maybe it's always been this way and people never talked about it. I'm not sure. It just seems like misery and pursuit of trying to just escape that misery shouldn't be the meaning of life. I just feel like maybe something else is going on.

The Million Other Things

Last night my oxygen concentrator died. They have a 24/7 call in so I had a new one within an hour of realizing I needed to have the situation handled. I was grateful for that, but still weirdly emotional.

By the time I went to bed, I was in full out depression mode. I felt horrible and hopeless and saw no point in anything. I knew it was depression, but it still wasn't fun.

I woke up around 5 because I needed to use the bathroom. While awake, I realized just how senseless that bout of depression had been. Someone brought me a new breathing machine within an hour of me requesting it. Sure, I could be upset that I need one or upset about a million other things,  but why, when there are so many things that constantly go well for me? I woke up feeling better about things.

Delayed Damage

Several people close to me have, within the last few months, experienced trauma. In some cases, it was medical in nature, in other cases, it was the loss of a loved one. All three of them faced new experiences during these events and had to handle things they've never had to handle before. I have talked to them about something and I hope I'm not coming off like some kind of Debbie Downer about it. I'm not trying to make things worse, I'm doing my best to prepare them for what may follow.

Sometimes when we go through a crisis or trauma, the emotional toll doesn't show up for a while. I think our bodies go into a kind of automatic mode and we just function as best we can to get through the difficult days. It's what I did during my grandmother's death. It was awful and I grieved for her, but at the same time, I was trying to handle extended family and arrange things so I could move. The brunt of the grief and the horror of watching her death hit me later, months later, when I had settled down and rested for a while. It was like this after all the surgeries surrounding cancer I had when I turned 40. I functioned, though not well, and the magnitude of all of it didn't hit me until later in the form of a panic attack that left me covered in hives.

A BBC cop shows I watch handled this issue. One of the main characters was kidnapped and held at gunpoint. She did some therapy afterward but felt it wasn't helping her and she was fine. Honestly, right after the incident, she probably was fine. But months later, she began to question her judgment, to drink, and to lash out at people over the tiniest of things. The impact of the trauma didn't hit her until way after the situation. Perhaps if she had been warned to anticipate this as a possibility, she would have gone back into therapy. As it was, she ended up taking early retirement because her mind and body got to the point where she just could NOT handle her job.

So look, if you go through a big scary something and then months later find yourself doing strange things or freaking out or panicking or weeping for what seems like no reason, remember that this is normal. Often our minds will compartmentalize things so that we can survive a crisis. This doesn't make the trauma go away. It just delays it for a while. If this happens, talk to someone about it. Acknowledge that it's going on. Don't let anyone make you feel that you don't deserve to process your emotions just because what happened was in the past. Get what help you need and give yourself time to heal. Pain and fear don't really show up and go away at our convenience.

Healthy Relationships

I see a lot of stuff about love being posted. Well, okay, mostly I see a lot of stuff about people complaining about people making bad choices in relationships, making their own bad choices, complaining about not BEING in relationships, or why they should be deserving of relationships but society says blah blah blah.

Admittedly, I used to be in that last group. Back when I was interested in relationships, I thought I wasn't in one because Society and otherwise I would be in one. This is not true. For one thing, there are plenty of people fatter than me who have relationships. For another, society isn't the issue.

The issue is, and the truth of the matter is, IF you want a chance at a healthy relationship, you need to BE healthy and choose to be with someone else who is also healthy. I'm not just talking about physical health here. In fact, often physical health is the least important factor in this, though it can be affected by your lack of health.

No, I'm talking about all the other stuff. You need to be mentally healthy. You need to be emotionally healthy. You need to be stable both financially and in the kind of environment you create around you. You need to be sober and rational. You need to know and celebrate your own worth. You need to be responsible, reasonable, and mature.

Otherwise, one or both of the people in the relationship is going to suffer.

I'm not saying if you don't have those qualities you are a loser who doesn't deserve happiness. However, I AM saying that if you don't have those qualities and do not plan to/cannot actually achieve them, then it's best you find happiness in ways that do not involve relationships that will lead to love, marriage, that stuff. If you are not healthy, you will not be able to create a healthy life with someone else. It's impossible. One or both of you will be miserable. One or both of you will be destroying years you could have spent in other, more productive, more contented ways.

This does not make you a bad person. It just makes you a person who would be bad in relationships. This does not make you a hopeless person. It just makes you a person who needs to refocus their goals to exclude other people in long term romantic ways. And that is a fine thing to do. It can be a really rewarding way to live your life because you're not having to devote all that energy and time to a relationship. That stuff takes effort, often effort that people who aren't that healthy really don't have. It could leave you exhausted.

When I was younger, I fell into the typical trap of thinking I could ONLY be happy if I was in love and loved by someone else. I would make myself miserable when this sort of thing didn't happen with the person I wanted at the time. The worst part about that is that I wasted so much time thinking about it, worrying about it, complaining to others, feeling awful.......when I could have used that time to be productive and happy about all the other things happening in my life. I had a million blessings happening and chose to focus just on the things I didn't have.

Some people think relationships will heal you if you're not healthy. They don't. Some people think you will get past your depression and feelings of self-loathing if you're in a relationship. You won't. That is chemical stuff that needs meds and therapy. Some people believe you are only accepted in society if you're in a relationship. Actually, sadly, there are situations to where this one is true. However, I think you should ask yourself why you really think being in said situation would even be in your best interests. If they can't accept you on your own, why?

Anyway, try to heal. Try to love yourself. Try to make the best of the life you have right now. You may not have someone else, but you have YOU and your microbiom. That should be enough.

Thoughts I had watching the new NKotB video

• I can't believe I'm watching this.
• Lance Bass is not in NKotB....or was he? I'm old. I don't remember.
• Ohhh, he's just a cameo. 
• Whichever one has the walker is stealing the show.
• These kids look so bored.
• Walberg is a great old coot.
• Oh my god, their dancing is so funny.
• Jordan looks so much like Donnie Osmond on the 70s part it's scary.
• For a pop song, this actually holds up.
• Is that Debbie Gibson?
• We are namechecking/songchecking so many people. 
• OH MY GOD THAT IS Debbie Gibson. 
• Okay, her part is going to stick in my head.
• I wish they would have done the diagram of the boyband types on all of them like they did on Walberg.
• Had to catch his breath! HAH!
• Yeah, this actually does hold up as a pop song.
• Modern Jordan looks like that cuter Jonas brother. Jordan is kind of the mold of 'cute boy' in boy bands.
• Jordan should always wear fur coats and sunglasses.
• That one boy in the front just figured out he was gay.
• I bet that happened more often than not.
• Yup, Debbie's part is now stuck in my head, goddammit.
• Okay, it isn't to my taste, but it's solid and they might as well embrace it. Awesome. 

Feb 2019

This month was very, very long and life-altering for several people I care about. There were a lot of big shocks, much grief, things to be terrified about, and death. It was A LOT and we're all walking away from this month tired and wounded.

I need March to be okay and easy. Everyone does.