Moments of Control

I was reading over the blog for what was going on this time last year. There was a common theme of me just accepting that I couldn't do much to change what was happening around or with me. I was having a lot of trouble trying to sleep. Stitches were splitting in my arm's wound. I was facing surgery in a couple of weeks. Honestly, I was just a bundle of nerves.

A year later, I suppose I have more control over things, at least in some ways. Our the handle of our vacuum is broken so it is a real bastard to try and use. I had to do all the little difficult spots in my room today.The cats (creatures I cannot control) are staying in my room. The weather (another thing I cannot control) is staying wet, which keeps breeding up the population of fleas. The bastards are everywhere. Vacuuming is the best way to deal with them.

I also can't control my emotions. I've been really sad all day long, almost to the point of tears. I can't seem to escape the sadness. Hopefully it will go away tomorrow.

Singing

I went out last night and sang with friends. It was wonderful, bordering on blissful. It was, honestly, what I needed more than anything else. The last week has been hard and singing was cathartic. I needed my energy levels to be lifted. I needed my spirit to be lifted and filled. This was quite important for me.

It's been a while since I was out though and there were some significant changes. I know how to keep myself from having a hangover, but I wasn't prepared for the hip issues. Sitting in seats of questionable comfort doesn't seem like that much of a deal when you're having fun, but the next morning, you feel it in your hips. My hips have been protesting all day. Next time, I need to remember to take a nice pain killer when I get home.

Aside from that, however, it was awesome.

Sexual Autonomy

I would say that since I was a Freshman in high school and moved out of my mother's home, I have been in a position of having sexual autonomy. Before that, things happened to remove that freedom, but since then, it has been mine. When I chose to be sexual, I was. When I opted not to be sexual(this has been the far longer state), I wasn't. No one challenged this. No one tried to forcibly alter it one way or the other. No one made me feel sad or ashamed or frightened.

All of what I just described are simple things in theory. You choose to do something or not to do it and people leave you alone about the matter. However, the horrifying fact is, I know I am very rare and insanely fortunate in my privilege of living a sexually autonomous life. It's not something most people are allowed to have. I wish they did, but a whole array of circumstances keep them from it.

A lot of why I have this freedom is due to things beyond my control. I was born in a geographically good place for it. That helps a lot. Many people lack sexual independence merely because they are born in a country that doesn't allow it. Other people are born in countries that allow it, but born into religions or philosophies that do not.

I am also fortunate in that I had a safe harbor, a place to go where I knew no one would try to harm me. I've read about people who don't get why abused kids go into abusive relationships as adults or why they continue to put themselves in dangerous situations as adults. It's difficult to know safety when you've never experienced it. It's difficult to understand that things like 'peace' and 'security' can be part of your daily life when you've never had them. I had grandparents who provided a nice, safe, mostly stable environment for me. I was able to learn to expect this and how to achieve it.

I'm also lucky in  that I'm not conventionally attractive. I'm fat, weird and mean. I got some bullying for the fat thing, but it honestly never got out of hand as badly as it could have. And I would trade assholes making up songs about the size of my gut over people treating me like a public resource for my beauty any day. There is always this strange issue with being a woman. On one hand, they act like it's your job to be pretty. I don't mean beautiful. Beautiful is something people are by birth. I mean 'pretty,' which is a situation where you obey all the rules about how to look. The problem is, when you obey the pretty rule, it just sets you up for further problems.

Then again, the very concept of obeying the Be Pretty rule is allowing part of your sexual autonomy to be taken away. You're submitting to the idea that you're only worth having sexual attention if you conform to the system. Mind you, for a lot of people, this loss of autonomy is worth it. Or, at least, we lie to ourselves that it is. After all, why should we have to do things like shave in order to be attractive? If someone likes you but ONLY if you shave, that means they don't really like YOU. They like a version of you that has a willingness to conform, a version of you that has altered who you really are.

There are other reasons I have sexual autonomy that are completely of my doing, though, admittedly still jumpstarted by the stuff I didn't control. I have to add that part in there because the choices I make are only choices I CAN make because I've been born into a place where I can. A woman can choose to not go near straight men all day long, but if her culture doesn't allow that, it doesn't matter.

Anyway, here are some choices I have made that help the sexual freedom.

1. I would never allow a religion to dictate things about my body. In fact, I find that deeply creepy. The idea that some god would care what I do with my vagina just squicks me out. It's a private matter. My private matter, no one else's.

2. I am cautious about the people I allow in my life. This is made easier by the fact that I AM fat, weird and mean. Most of those who seek to control others tend to look for people far more compliant than me. I can honestly say that as an adult, I've allowed no one near me who tried to exert control over my sexual autonomy. And before you think I am victim blaming here, I am not. Like anyone else, if I was in the room with a rapist, that might happen. However, in the meantime, if someone is a misogynist asshole, I'm not going to give them the benefit of the doubt and let them near me.

3. I see the beauty in the results. I've known a lot of people who, at one time, HAD sexual autonomy, but traded part or all of it away because they were terrified of remaining single. They thought being single made them a failure or that it would mean being lonely. It's understandable they would feel this way. Society teaches us this because it has a vested interest in us all pairing up and following the rules. Being single may make me a failure in some people's eyes, but the freedom it allows me is certainly worth it. And just because you don't marry doesn't mean you have to be alone. People always need roommates.

I was reading an article about how truly terrifying the religious sect that the Duggars follow is. Women basically lose all sexual autonomy, again, because they believe some god thinks it's a good idea for them to put themselves in harm's way, to live in poverty and servitude, and to brainwash their kids into doing the same thing. As I read this, I thought about my own life, which is free from sexual demands and not dictated on the basis of my gender. I thought about how blissful this is for me and how I wish more people had this. I really hope more people can find their way to a sexually autonomous life because it is a damned awesome way to live.

Raincoat of a Different Sort

I read this article today and have a lot of thoughts on it. If you're not interested in following the link, the author asked two women (and their partners) to test out female condoms, because it's a form of birth control/STD prevention that people don't often talk about, even though they've been around for years. It was a small article, but it brought up a lot of stuff.

I read this because, as I said, female condoms have been around for years, but I rarely hear anyone talk about them. However, given the fact that so many states keep trying to limit women's access to birth control, maybe female condoms might become more popular. Having read the article though, I don't think that's likely to happen.

The problem is, female condoms kind of have a combination of the problems associated with female AND male birth control.

Like a lot of birth control for women, they aren't all that accessible. The author couldn't find them at any local pharmacies. They could be bought online, but the shipping made them expensive. Plus, anything that has to be shipped to you clearly isn't going to cut it for 'at  the moment' sex. One of the major benefits of male condoms is that they're inexpensive and easily accessed. Unless the female counterpart becomes more available, it will remain expensive and something you have to plan in advance, just like all other forms of female birth control.

Aside from the availability, the advantages of male condoms are very high. No medical professionals need be involved in their purchase. Men don't have to have anyone stick fingers inside them or get a prescription for a condom. They are not only good in pregnancy prevention, but also help to lower the chances of contracting HIV.

Despite this, a lot of people don't like them. We all know the reasons. It lessens the sensation. It's awkward. Putting on a condom can mess with the excitement that builds before sex. None of these change with the use of the female condom. People who use them still find the sensation to not be as strong as without. Putting it in is still awkward. And while the female condom can be placed hours before one decides to have sex, most women don't find it all that comfortable to walk around with one.

In the comments, some people pointed out some actual advantages to the female condoms versus the male ones. A woman with an allergy to latex said she used them because non-latex condoms tended to come in only one size and penises don't. A man stated that while the sensation was less than bareback sex, it was better for him than using a male condom, because his penis was still naked.

For my part, I think female condoms should be more embraced. It gives women a way of controlling their sexual situations with something that congress can't legislate. It also helps to prevent HIV. Availability is still an issue, but we can find ways to make that change. Who knows, maybe one day they'll be as available and easy to purchase as the guy version.

The Benefit of Loudness

Yesterday, I just wanted a nice day to try and keep up with the recovery from the illness. Did I get that? Nope! What I got was a storm where a tree knocked into the power lines. I lost electricity for over 18 hours and it was hellish. I couldn't use my oxygen concentrator. I couldn't use my CPAP. Last night was basically just muggy sleepless hell.

I tend to hate all the noise my CPAP makes . . . or I did. Now I'm realizing how beneficial that is. The CPAP hides all the other countless ANNOYING noises that are going on. Roosters. Trains. Stupidities. All of it is just drown out by my machine. I realize how helpful this truly is to me now. I'm not going to complain about it anymore.

Small Gifts

Well, I am still alive. I won't say I'm 100% better because I am not, but I don't think the squick will kill me. I will admit that for a while there, I wanted it to. I guess I'll elect to live unless I get that ill again. Then all bets are off.

A year ago this weekend, I first spoke to the man who would remove the cancer from my body. He called me on Memorial Day weekend to discuss my case with me. It was the longest I had ever spoken to a medical professional and it gave me more hope than I'd had about this whole situation. It was an important day in my life. I think the Cancer Jitters went down to level 8 from level 97 or something. In that moment, it was really the thing I needed.

So today, I will remember and be thankful for that phone call. It was the biggest gift I could have been given and it changed my outlook on everything that was to follow. In life, we will rarely get a huge boost of strength or get a lot of bumps to get us past the obstacles. Sometimes though, just even getting a small bit of comfort is enough to make the difference. It certainly was in my case.

Ill

I am ill. I am nastily ill. I will blog more when the illness is gone.

Kobayashi Maru

We don't seem to spend any time teaching people about limit assessment. We get so caught up in the 'you can do it!' mentality, that any other option is often ignored. When total success isn't achieved (which is often the case), we feel like failures. Sometimes, we did fail. Other times, the part that we failed to do was to fully comprehend our capacity to achieve a positive outcome.

This is why I've always liked the Star Trek concept of the Kobayashi Maru test. It's a learning exercise in Starfleet that puts cadets through a no-win situation in order to teach them how to respond when failure is inevitable. The test gives cadets a chance to process their own limitations and accept this as part of life. Sometimes we save the day. Other times, we lose everything. Quite often, we lose, but the loss is even more bitter because we know with just a few more points in our favor, we could have won.

There are points when life feels like an endless series of no-win situations, where our choices are made out of desperation. It sucks. And often, to take the sting out of the fact that it sucks, we'll 'console' ourselves by berating ourselves (or others) on what we'll do next time or what we could have done with more resources or what someone else should have done. This kind of thing may sooth us from thinking about the fact that often life is unfair and we're pretty powerless, but it also wastes what small bits of emotional energy we have left.

You're going to have to make tough decisions. Sometimes, you'll have to make downright heartbreaking decisions, ones that, if you had the means, you would never make. Don't beat yourself up for this. Life rarely offers us the question 'what is the best thing to do?' but gives us a whole lot of 'what is the least horrible thing to do?' situations. Grit your teeth, select the least horrible option, and move forward. Keep in mind, everyone else is usually making the least horrible choice as well.

Good May

I would like to note that it's the 20th of May and we've yet to turn on the AC. In fact, we don't even have most of the fans out of storage. There have been some slightly uncomfortable days, but nothing serious. Tonight, in fact, it may even get cold again, at least for a bit.

This is not normal weather for the last decade of so of summer in Oklahoma though it is far more like the summers I remember from when I was a kid. It usually didn't get uncomfortable until August. June and July were usually warm, but not scorching. If we could get back to that kind of summer, I would be one quite happy woman.

This may mean more rain, but that used to happen a lot as well. May and June used to have tons of rain, enough to keep us out of drought for the rest of the summer.  Given that dry summers can lead to weeks of wildfires, I much more inclined to handling more rain.

If things keep going like this and we end up having a pleasant summer, it might just make me feel like a kid again.

Sacrifices

A year ago today, I was headed for bed, knowing I'd have to talk to my doctor the next day about going to Tulsa for the hysterectomy. At this point, I was still convinced I could talk her into doing it in Fort Smith. Actually, I was still convinced she would tell me she made a mistake and I didn't have cancer. It was a kind of 'hope beyond any reason of hope' that I was clinging to. I was having a lot of trouble trying to sleep, often I would console and soothe myself into sleep with promises of everything being okay. Sometimes it worked. Often, it did not. 

In the end, I did have cancer.  I did have to go to Tulsa. It was painful and awful, but it saved my life. There were a lot of sleepless nights and more fear than I thought I could handle. Somehow I did. I am glad I did.

Yesterday, we were in Tulsa. I've been a few times since my surgery, but the clinic where I go is on the outskirts of the city. The hospital where I had my surgery is deeper in and we drove past it on the way to my roommate's appointment. I had a very intense reaction to it. I really did think about how that was the place where I was sterilized. It's also the place where my life was saved, but still. This certainly was a situation where to be saved, I had to make a sacrifice.

The funny thing is, I didn't really see it that way at the time. I didn't actually care about my reproductive organs. They were causing me tons of problems and threatening my life. I didn't want kids so the idea of them being gone was perfectly fine. It's only later when I really considered the cost of that. As I've blogged before, losing part of yourself is never easy. I realized when I drove by the hospital that I'm still somewhat in mourning about it.

Reflections

We had to go to Tulsa today. It was rough and hot, but I don't want to talk about that. I want to talk about this beautiful thing I got to see.

My roommate's doctor's office is a large, glass building. The windows reflect the sky around them  It was really neat because instead of just looking at some boring as building, I was looking at this huge scene of clouds and sky, all magnified for me. It was glorious.

It was very hot, sitting there in the car. I didn't even really notice all that much because I was getting so much enjoyment out of this reflective view. It really made my day.

Small Bits of Progress

I was folding towels today and my roommate remarked how it seemed to go even faster than usual. It did, and that was even with me taking a bit of a break to look at something. I also had to snip a lot of loose bits. Some of the towels are falling apart.

This was interesting because a year ago today, I folded towels for the first time since the lipoma surgery. Even then, with staples still in my arm, I could feel the difference. It was so very freeing for me. I am left with a very massive scar and still have some nerve pain from time to time, but I know that surgery was for the best. It greatly improved the quality of my life.

I'm still very fat. Compared to most people, I'm vast when it comes to my fatness and losing that may very well take years of my life. However, one of the things I've learned is that even a little improvement is better than none. A small measure of mobility is still better than having none. A pound lost, even when  you have to lose hundreds, is still a pound lost.

This is a philosophy I try to apply to all aspects of my life. It is a way of being grateful for what I have, even when those things seem small in comparison to what I might want. I have a roof over my head. I have food to eat. I have shoes to wear. I am in a position to where no one can harm me. I have a bed to sleep in and ways to stay more or less comfortable. I am deeply, deeply grateful for all of these things.

Ticket for One

I'm 41 years old and I've never been to a movie by myself. Recently I realized I wanted to see a movie my usual movie companion hated. No one else had the time. It dawned on me that I was going to have to go by myself. It wasn't a happy dawn either. At least, not at first.

As I've written before, doing the New Things is always a process for me. My mind begins the What Ifs about all the things that can go wrong, usually things having to do with my mobility and weight. What if I don't park close? What if there is a line? What if I have to walk far? What if there is nowhere to catch my breath? You get the idea.

Of course, all of this made me realize I HAD to try. That New Year's resolution is still in play, after all. I would go to a movie by myself.

I got there early enough to park close. There wasn't a line, again, probably because I was there early. I handled getting concessions with ease and walked into the movie with little to no problem. It's a small theater, so walking wasn't an issue. I sat near the door and by the aisle.

Here's the surprising part. I didn't just go through with this, I actually had a very good time. I love going to see movies with other people, but going by myself was oddly peaceful and meditative. I could just bask in the movie all on my own, completely focused on what was happening on screen. It was all for me. I felt free and grown up. I probably should have done this a long damned time ago, but I'm not going to dwell on that part.

However, I am going to dwell on how happy being by myself for this was. I'm certainly going to do it again, and perhaps explore other options where I can go on solo dates. I think this may do me a lot of good.

Grouped Together

So some bastard was on Fox News talking about how women don't get paid as much as men because women lack ambition and would rather stay home with their children. He then told the women around him that they were miserable because they longed to be home with their kids. Yes, really. This happened.

First of all, I think maybe this goes without saying, or should, but no one ever seems to get this. The issue here isn't that I work 20 hours and you work 40 and I expect to get the same amount of  money as you. The issue is that if I work 40 hours and you work 40 hours and we both have the same qualifications and work just as hard, and are equal in every other way where the job is concerned, the fact that one of us has a penis shouldn't mean that one gets more money. Factors not being equal is a different matter. I don't see why that is do hard for people to understand.

Second of all, I wish the people opposed to equal pay would get their stories straight. Is it that we DO make as much as men and the reports are skewed or is it that we don't make as much as men because of stuff we clearly do to ourselves? Pick one. It can't really be both.

Third, and this is the most important issue for me because it goes beyond the equal pay thing. Stop equating motherhood with all women. There was a time, a few generations back, when almost every woman had children, perhaps this made more sense. That isn't the case these days. Many women remain childfree. The argument 'they want to spend time with their children' has no meaning in their situation.

Women don't all want the same things. Some want to stay at home with their kids. Some feel the best way to be good parents is to provide for their children. Some women hate their children and are better off not being near them. And some of them do not have nor ever will want children. We're not all the same person of the same mind. We can't just be grouped together like that and as long as people continue to do so, they're going to keep making these jackass arguments.

Tires

Two of the tires on my van have to be replaced. I'm somewhat annoyed with this, but  not really. Tires mess up. It's the nature of tires. And it's better that I know they need replacing at my leisure instead of being on the road, possibly at some early hours. Knowing my past history with this kind of thing, it's possible they could have both gone flat at once. This has happened before.

They're more expensive than they used to be, apparently due to some new tire tax. I know that part of that goes to dispose of ruined tires, which is fine. However, that was what the old tax was doing. The newer tax must be to some other increase in that. It's certainly not going towards fixing the roads. Every road around here is awful. From what I've been told, that's an issue around the country.

A while back, someone posted a video of a nearby bridge. You could see the road moving up and down where the cracks had worn all the way through. It was pretty scary. That's probably one of the more extreme cases around here, but you never know. Maybe it's just my wishful thinking.

Clowns after Midnight

My best friend has a six-month-old that I adore. Because of this adoration, I put some apps on my Kindle to amuse her. She can't do a lot with them yet, but in time, I bet she will. You know how they say no good deed goes unpunished? The good deed of the apps got to me recently.

I was in the dark and alone, fairly awake, and busy just going about my life. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I hear children laugh. I'll be honest here. I jumped. It was one of the most horror movie-like moments of my life. At first, I thought it was just my imagination. I forced myself to calm down and took a deep breath . . . just as the children's laughter happened again. This time, I yelped.

Before I could go into full out heart attack or wonder when the mutant children with giant teeth were going to eat me, I remembered one of the apps on my Kindle started with that laughter. I'd left the damned thing on and didn't realize I'd pressed it with enough force to cause the game to start.

I never thought of that laughter as creepy, but out of its usual context, it was terrifying. It just goes to show that even the most innocent things can twist around into something frightening. The darkness, being alone, and the unexpectedness all turned that innocent little app into something that will haunt my dreams.

I'm serious about that. I'm mentally scarred now. I will never be able to hear that intro laugh without jumping just a little.

Short Post of Annoyance

Looks like I'm going to have to get a new doctor. My old one, a person I liked and felt had a lot of skill as a doctor, can no longer treat me. I'm pretty annoyed about this on a lot of levels though most of them have to do with her lack of professionalism. She didn't even send out letters saying she was leaving. I only know because I caught her moving out. This just drives me crazy.

And now I have to start seeing someone else and we all know how I feel about meeting new people. I've been frowning all day. All day.

New App

I downloaded Grammarly in order to write more attractive blog posts. I'm not sure how I like it yet. In some ways, it's very nice to have the added backup. On the other hand, it is a bit distracting because any time something goes wrong, I am alerted. It tends to jar my train of thought. I'm going to keep it going for a while though.

It's an interesting app. It shows up on any place where you can publically post and spins in a little green circle. When you mess up, it turns red. You hover over your mistake and it gives you suggestions. I wish I could be one of those people who could just wait until the end before I looked at the mistakes, but I can't. Maybe that should be a goal.

In that case, I certainly should keep the app.

Mother's Brother's Day

My mother's brother went to one of those schools that was so small that they do a collective reunion every year. For the last several years, he's gone to the reunion, making a whole mini-vacation out of it. On Sunday before he would go home, he would spend the day with me. This Sunday, due to when  they would schedule the reunion, always fell on Mother's Day. As I no longer have a living mother or grandmother, Mother's Day basically became Mother's Brother's Day for me.

This year, however, he wasn't able to come down. I have to say, I missed him. Since my grandmother died, this has been our tradition. I liked it because I got to have this some time with the person who is the last remaining link to the older generation of my mom's side of the family. He's really all I have left of people who are older than me . .  . at least in the immediate family.

I sent him a message today, telling him how much I missed him. I know he felt the same way. I don't know if he'll get to come next year, but I really hope he does.

Mother's Day Guilt Tripping

I remarked on International Women's Day how people kept talking about celebrating men (why don't MEN have a holiday?) and whining about why women would need one. It was as if the very idea of a day to celebrate women just offended so many people they couldn't keep quiet any longer.

I'm seeing this same kind of stuff happening as Mother's Day gets closer. Post and articles basically designed to make mothers feel BAD about the holiday. "How to be Motherless on Mother's Day." "What it's like to be a Childless Woman on Mother's Day." "Why I told my Kids not to get me anything on Mother's Day." It seems like I spent today hearing the same messages over and over again. Mother's Day is awful because some people don't have mothers and some people don't have kids and we all have too much stuff anyway so why would you want something else? Aren't you grateful for what you have?

Really? This is what we do now? We make women who maybe just get a card and five minutes of 'atta girl' feel bad over things they can't control? What IS this? Why would we take this one holiday and try to make women feel bad about it? OMG, is that an organic card? Was it made by slave labor? How much weight will you gain from that candy? Are those almond chocolates? How many Californians died so you could have those?

FUCK. THIS.

Seriously, what the hell?

Listen here, mamas out there. You are a mother, however you came by that. Being a parent is hard and you deserve a nice day of someone pointing that out. DO NOT LET the world make you feel guilty about it. It's not your problem if other people don't have kids or don't have the things you have. It isn't your fault where people buy the gifts. It isn't your fault that other people's mothers have died. And aren't those chocolate covered almonds awesome? Mmm! They taste like drought! Yummy!

Enjoy your day. You earned it. Be happy and ignore the debbie downers out there. Happy mother's Day. Seriously, VERY Happy Mother's Day.

Glass Houses

The thing about Facebook is that it connects you to basically everyone you know, and a lot of people you don't know.This can be a really great thing. After all, some people keep better contact with others than we do. There have been several times when I rediscovered people I had forgotten even existed. They stayed close to other people we mutually knew. Some of those people have become favorites of mine on FB.

There are downsides to this. I saw an example of this today. A woman I went to college with saw that someone had posted a picture of a girl who works at their local Walmart. The girl was sitting on a mini-fridge while on shift. The woman wrote a nasty comment about how this girl would help customers, but then go back to sitting on the fridge. She didn't exactly call the girl fat and lazy, but it was certainly implied. One of the ways that fat-shaming often happens these days is by people taking unauthorized pictures of the fat person and posting them in public settings.

The thing is, the woman I'm friends with just so happens to be the aunt of the girl in the photo. The girl is 16. She also happens to know the woman who took the photo. The woman is a grown adult. She screen saved the picture and the nasty comment the woman posted about it and put it on her own Facebook page. She wrote about how this was her niece and how cruel it was that the woman did this, especially when she basically started a mini online hate mob about the girl.

Now, I'm not going to debate about this girl's work ethic. Should she have been sitting on the mini-fridge? No, of course not. Do teenagers slack off? Yes, they do. A supervisor should come along and give her a reprimand. That's how people learn. They certainly don't deserve, nor will they learn, from being publically shamed on Facebook.

I suppose it should be of note that, as is the nature of FB, several of my friend's friends also knew the woman who posted the picture. They knew many details about her life, including times she'd slacked off at jobs or done other things that people would consider objectionable. And they mentioned them. Was this the best response to the whole situation? I have no idea.

It might make her reconsider posting shame pics of other people though.

Changing Meaning

One of the things that people who are against same-sex marriage often bring up is that it will ruin the meaning of marriage. People who support the marriage equality dismiss the argument, as it doesn't seem to even make any sense to them. I am starting to wonder if it might be true . . . but in a good way.

For many years, marriage was a merger of resources and a commitment between two people. This allowed for them to pool money and energy to create a safe home for themselves and any possible children. Sometimes, other family members would be involved as well, most often older parents who needed care. Romantic love didn't have to be part of the equation though often people liked the idea of it.

With same-sex marriage, none of this has to change. It can still be about a merging of households, money, and energy. Children and other family members can also be involved. It is the romantic love part that doesn't really have to be there.

People don't have to marry for love. And while that may seem sad and cold, it doesn't have to be. Some people never fall in love, but that doesn't mean they have no important or significant relationships in their lives. This could allow best friends of the same gender a chance to have a legal contract to bind them together. Maybe this wouldn't involve sex with each other, but it would have all the other aspects of commitment and security. For people who are asexual or sexually traumatized or incapable of being near the other gender, it would open up a way for them to experience the non-sexual, non-romantic benefits of marriage.

We could very well see straight-presenting people participate in same-sex marriages. We might see them create new types of families and new definitions of what it means to be joined in matrimony. I know this will make some people balk. Consider the joy it could bring to people though, especially ones who don't wish to live alone, but find the idea of sex to be repulsive.

Simple Life Stuff

The bees seemed to have left. I'm not sure if it's a forever thing or just for right now. There is no way to tell. I guess I'll just be happy that the house isn't swarmed. That's always something to enjoy. It's the small things, you know.

Today we paid the last of the bills and took out the trash. A pretty sedate Wednesday. Certainly better than last year. Last year at this time, I had surgery to remove the lipoma from my arm. I had a drainage tube and tons of staples. I was facing uncertainty about what would happen with the cancer. I was pretty drugged up, kind of horrified, and in a lot of pain.

In some ways, I think I was at my lowest point.  The pre-op situation was a nightmare and I'd been told the hysterectomy would have to happen in Tulsa. Had I been in less pain and on less medication, I may have had a meltdown about all of this. Actually, I did have one in pre-op. My roommate, the poor man, had to see part of it. It was so bad.

With that in mind, yes, I will be fine with bees and bills. That's great. That's easy. That's not painful or devastating or anything else. It's just common and simple life stuff.

Swarm

There is this wild roving swarm of bees that shows up at our house sometimes. Most often, they end up on the south side of the house, which can be problematic, but usually isn't. This time, however, they were on the north side of the house and started flowing into the windows. It was a bit scary.

My roommate did his best to scare them off. We don't want to kill them. Bees are needed to do all of their bee-stuff, but at the same time, we don't want to be stung or lose the house to a horror movie level of swarming.

I hope they took the hint and will move on. I really don't want to share the house with bees.

May the 4th Be with You

Sometimes I hate all aspects of my culture. Other times, I absolutely adore it. Today is one of those days. I think it's really cool that we made up a holiday to celebrate a fictional universe based on a pun. May the force be with you isn't exactly the same as May the 4th, unless you have some speech issues, but it's close enough.

I've loved Star Wars all of my life. In fact, some of my earliest memories are of seeing the movies and having my hair put up in buns. They were my first alt world fandom and this shaped a lot of what I would love in years to come. I've watched all the movies, debated with friends about aspects of the story, been inspired by the characters, and felt pain when they died. I think the later writing of Clone Wars is some of the best anyone has done in years, especially the story arch that involved the nature of clones and what it means to be a manufactured soldier.

And now I get to have a day where many, many other people talk about this as well. People have EVENTS on this day. It's awesome.  Happy Star Wars Day.

Selfishness

I saw this video today about childless women and how people shouldn't think of them as selfish or shallow. The video showed countless women who are successful and give to charities and blah blah and just happen to also not be mothers. It interviewed a woman who runs a company and goes to Kenya to help with refugees. And that is awesome that she does that. It's also true that just because a woman chooses not to have a child doesn't mean she is selfish. I've blogged about this before.

However, I want to make one thing very clear.

Women who don't have children are not obligated to prove anything to anyone. If they are selfish, fine. If they are shallow, that's also fine. If they hate children, that's perfectly okay. They are not required to be generous or saintly or giving to somehow justify their existence. They are here and there is no explanation needed.

So long as you're not screwing up someone else's life, it's perfectly OKAY to be selfish. It's fine to want things for yourself. It's fine to enjoy your time as YOUR time. It's great to have hobbies and activities that please you and ONLY you with no benefit to anyone else. It's cool.

Some people are selfish. Some of those people are women. And their selfishness is no more wrong than that of men. It isn't being selfish that is the problem so much as how that self-oriented perspective affects people around you. So long as you take care to insure others aren't harmed by your nature, then it's fine. In fact, if you are selfish by nature, it is certainly best that you do NOT have children.

The Noise Noise Noise Noise

I think the older I get, the more I value the purity of silence. It's steady and soothing. It's calming and steady. Glorious. When it is quite I can just be in my head to think and to read and to plan. And that's what I wanted today. I just needed me time. Nothing annoys me more than when things force me out of my brain.

I didn't get that today. I got motherfucker machines making noise. I got sirens in the distance and children screaming and lawn mowers and all kinds of other noise that I did not wish to hear or care to hear. I just wanted silence.

I think most people are afraid of silence. I think they hate the idea of just sitting in a room and not speaking or being in a house without constant noise. I have neighbors who seem to believe that their lives aren't complete unless they are making as much noise as possible. It's almost as if some people believe that if they don't make a lot of noise or constantly run their mouths, they will stop existing. I feel sorry for those people. I feel more sorry for those who have to be around them.

The irony is, I think we find MORE validation in the moments of silence. I think if people would spend more time just being and less time making noise, they would find more meaning in their lives. Instead of babbling to hear themselves babble or screaming at the top of their lungs or trying to get someone else's attention or running some damned loud machine, they could find comfort in their own thoughts, contentment in their own minds.

They could also find that I wish less evil to befall them.