Sexual Autonomy

I would say that since I was a Freshman in high school and moved out of my mother's home, I have been in a position of having sexual autonomy. Before that, things happened to remove that freedom, but since then, it has been mine. When I chose to be sexual, I was. When I opted not to be sexual(this has been the far longer state), I wasn't. No one challenged this. No one tried to forcibly alter it one way or the other. No one made me feel sad or ashamed or frightened.

All of what I just described are simple things in theory. You choose to do something or not to do it and people leave you alone about the matter. However, the horrifying fact is, I know I am very rare and insanely fortunate in my privilege of living a sexually autonomous life. It's not something most people are allowed to have. I wish they did, but a whole array of circumstances keep them from it.

A lot of why I have this freedom is due to things beyond my control. I was born in a geographically good place for it. That helps a lot. Many people lack sexual independence merely because they are born in a country that doesn't allow it. Other people are born in countries that allow it, but born into religions or philosophies that do not.

I am also fortunate in that I had a safe harbor, a place to go where I knew no one would try to harm me. I've read about people who don't get why abused kids go into abusive relationships as adults or why they continue to put themselves in dangerous situations as adults. It's difficult to know safety when you've never experienced it. It's difficult to understand that things like 'peace' and 'security' can be part of your daily life when you've never had them. I had grandparents who provided a nice, safe, mostly stable environment for me. I was able to learn to expect this and how to achieve it.

I'm also lucky in  that I'm not conventionally attractive. I'm fat, weird and mean. I got some bullying for the fat thing, but it honestly never got out of hand as badly as it could have. And I would trade assholes making up songs about the size of my gut over people treating me like a public resource for my beauty any day. There is always this strange issue with being a woman. On one hand, they act like it's your job to be pretty. I don't mean beautiful. Beautiful is something people are by birth. I mean 'pretty,' which is a situation where you obey all the rules about how to look. The problem is, when you obey the pretty rule, it just sets you up for further problems.

Then again, the very concept of obeying the Be Pretty rule is allowing part of your sexual autonomy to be taken away. You're submitting to the idea that you're only worth having sexual attention if you conform to the system. Mind you, for a lot of people, this loss of autonomy is worth it. Or, at least, we lie to ourselves that it is. After all, why should we have to do things like shave in order to be attractive? If someone likes you but ONLY if you shave, that means they don't really like YOU. They like a version of you that has a willingness to conform, a version of you that has altered who you really are.

There are other reasons I have sexual autonomy that are completely of my doing, though, admittedly still jumpstarted by the stuff I didn't control. I have to add that part in there because the choices I make are only choices I CAN make because I've been born into a place where I can. A woman can choose to not go near straight men all day long, but if her culture doesn't allow that, it doesn't matter.

Anyway, here are some choices I have made that help the sexual freedom.

1. I would never allow a religion to dictate things about my body. In fact, I find that deeply creepy. The idea that some god would care what I do with my vagina just squicks me out. It's a private matter. My private matter, no one else's.

2. I am cautious about the people I allow in my life. This is made easier by the fact that I AM fat, weird and mean. Most of those who seek to control others tend to look for people far more compliant than me. I can honestly say that as an adult, I've allowed no one near me who tried to exert control over my sexual autonomy. And before you think I am victim blaming here, I am not. Like anyone else, if I was in the room with a rapist, that might happen. However, in the meantime, if someone is a misogynist asshole, I'm not going to give them the benefit of the doubt and let them near me.

3. I see the beauty in the results. I've known a lot of people who, at one time, HAD sexual autonomy, but traded part or all of it away because they were terrified of remaining single. They thought being single made them a failure or that it would mean being lonely. It's understandable they would feel this way. Society teaches us this because it has a vested interest in us all pairing up and following the rules. Being single may make me a failure in some people's eyes, but the freedom it allows me is certainly worth it. And just because you don't marry doesn't mean you have to be alone. People always need roommates.

I was reading an article about how truly terrifying the religious sect that the Duggars follow is. Women basically lose all sexual autonomy, again, because they believe some god thinks it's a good idea for them to put themselves in harm's way, to live in poverty and servitude, and to brainwash their kids into doing the same thing. As I read this, I thought about my own life, which is free from sexual demands and not dictated on the basis of my gender. I thought about how blissful this is for me and how I wish more people had this. I really hope more people can find their way to a sexually autonomous life because it is a damned awesome way to live.