First Event Down

We went to see the movie on Tuesday. It wasn't as difficult as it was back in the Spring, but I still had to use the walker. I'm still in some pain today, but not as much as I probably would have been a while back.

The movie was good. I enjoyed it a lot. There was only one other person in the theater. We got popcorn, which was novel for us.

Next on the agenda is the family get-together on Sunday.  After that, we go out for my birthday. At some point, the furniture is supposed to come in. Hopefully that will be on my birthday, but I'm not banking on it.

There is really a lot to look forward to. That's kind of unusual for my holidays. It's neat, really.

The Start of the Celebrations

Tomorrow we're going to see a movie for my birthday. My birthday isn't for another week, but it's fine. It's easier to see a movie the week before Christmas Eve than to see it that day. Fewer people.

I'll see my family on Sunday and then go to dinner for my birthday the following day. Our new furniture is supposed to be here at some point next week, but given that it's Christmas week, I won't be surprised if we don't get it.

The week after that, we'll spend New Year's Day with my best friend. All in all, it will be a full holiday for me. There is a lot to look forward to and a lot that my mind will probably try to be nervous about. I'll do what I can to stop that, but it isn't easy.

Plans

As far as I can tell, my holiday plans are made. We're trying our best to be practical and safe about things. There is a lot to look forward to.

And yet, the grief is still here. I just spend so much time feeling like I'm about to cry. I'm very grateful that people are being gentle with me and helping me through this time. 

It's going to be hard to celebrate with my family this year. It's going to be a situation where my dad isn't with me and with the exception one of year, I've spent every year celebrating the holidays with my dad. 

So here we go. I guess I'll have to find a way through this.

Almost

We inch ever closer to my birthday.

We're going to try and get some things handled tomorrow and it's a bigger thing than we've done in a while and it's scary. We've done our best to do research, but there is only so much research you can do about certain things. 

Hopefully it goes well.

Grief

I'm still grieving my father. Even if I don't do it out loud, my body grieves him. I feel horrible all the time. I feel laggy, tired, and broken all the time. I know it's just going to take a while to learn to live with this. 

It's been this way with other important deaths in my life. When my grandfather died, I was lost and in a fog for months. When my mother died, I went through a horrible and heavy period, years before that became a major issue for me. When my grandmother died, I bled for days from my navel.  I react very strongly to these deaths and I know that losing my father is no different.

I miss him. I want this to not have happened. I miss him so much. Christmas is coming up and it was a holiday I spent with him. I'm not sure how this is going to go. I'm trying very hard to distract myself, but it isn't easy.

Picture

When it comes to losing weight, I usually can't see it. My body seems the same to me. I get around somewhat easier. Certain equipment is easier for me to use. But for the most part, my mind tells me nothing has changed. It's hard for me to have real proof that anything is different.

Today I got in my new driver's license. I didn't hate the picture of me (I looked a lot like my mom) and when I looked at the one from four years ago, it was clear I'd lost some weight. I stared at both pictures for quite a while, noting the various differences. I also looked younger in the last one. My hair was fuller. Then again, it was four years ago. 

So yes. It is happening. Not as fast as I'd like but it is happening.

Fall

Thanksgiving was spent with my best friend and her family. I had a very good time and the food was great. 

However, when I was leaving, I fell down. This is the second year in a row that I've fallen down around Thanksgiving. There are some differences. Last year it took me a very long time to figure out how to get off the ground. In fact, I had a few panicked moments of wondering if I'd be stuck there forever. This year I was able to get up fairly quickly. I am in pain, but not as bad as I was last year. 

There is always a lot of fear after I have a fall. For one thing, I'm worried that I damaged something in a serious way. This has happened with some of my falls. I'm also worried that it will start a pattern where I fall all the time. I had to walk out to the car today and I was pretty scared about it. When I lose my balance, something in me starts to really panic about it. 

Anyway, outside of falling, the holiday was very nice.

Gotcha Anniversary

I'm a few days late, but this 21st was the Gotcha Anniversary of our kitty Machen. We were waiting for a friend to arrive when we started hearing mews outside. My roommate went out to investigate and found a cute little gray and white kitten. 

Our other cat was beyond not happy about this.

We tried to find another home for him that would be better than ours, but that didn't happen. He was meant to be our cat, I guess. I love him a great deal, even if he's not the smartest kitty out there. He's sweet and charming.

Past Appointment

I got the confirmation I needed about a certain subject. My medical provider and I talked about my father's death. She put me on a different med for my depression. I need to make some moves where the first topic is concerned but that can wait until after the holiday, I think.

In the meantime, I'll try to adjust to the new medication. Hopefully it isn't awful.

Appointment

I'm off to the doctor's tomorrow. We're going to be discussing interesting things. Hopefully it will improve my life. We'll see. I put too much faith in chemistry. 

So I'm trying to do some advocating for myself. Then I have to do some other errands. The nice thing about this appointment is that I know I've lost some weight since the last one so that won't be an issue. So yay.

Sick House

For about a week now, we've both been ill. We're coughing, running fevers, the works. It's not been fun. 

I'm still really frustrated by what happened. I think the worst part is that I just didn't think it would. I really thought things would turn out differently and now I'm stuck watching a nightmare unfold. It's really painful. I wish there were other alternatives.

In the meantime, I guess I just focus on getting well.

Tired

I'm sick. I've been sick for several days now. It's better than it was but it's still not great. My throat hurts and my sinuses are a mess and I have a shallow but persistent cough. It's not hellish, but it's far from fun.

I'm seeing people resign from discussion boards and just go completely silent on social media altogether. I think we're going to be seeing more and more of that in the months to come. People are really scared and they have reason to be. 

All of this makes me very tired. I'm not sleeping well because my mind is reeling with the potentials. I'm also just coughing a lot, which doesn't help. This is a rough time.

Quiet

I hate the feeling that I should stay quiet. I hate the feeling that I should check out. I hate the feeling that I should just stop being. I hate the feeling that people would rather I did. I hate the feeling that people are gloating. I hate the feeling that they'll never learn. I hate the feeling that things just took a major turn for the worse. 

This is a bad day.

Hello Darkness

Fall Back happened and now it's dark far earlier than it had been. It was also cloudy and gloomy all day, which didn't help.

This is the time of year when our SAD really starts to mess with us. Both of us take steps to make sure it doesn't really undo us, but it isn't easy.

In better news, my Halloween was a lot of fun. I needed that.

Repeating

It seems like I keep talking about the same thing but the same things keep happening. The car is having issues. I took it to the mechanic. They don't know what's wrong with it. I feel like I'm being gaslighted about the situation. The car won't start. Clearly we should be able to see why? Right?

Honestly I don't know enough about cars to even know. It's just all very frustrating. He actually asked us if we had access to a towing service because it would probably come to that.

Here's the thing about that. I can't get INTO a tow truck. They sit way too high off the ground for me to even think about trying to get into it. So if we have to be towed, I'm stuck on  the side of the road until my roommate can get back to me. 

I'm really hoping it doesn't come to that.

It Happened Again

This time we took the van in and they couldn't find anything wrong with it  . . . even though the brake light was coming on. This is a really frustrating situation. It has to get worse to get better. Uggh.

Still, we trust the van right now more than the car. We'll be taking it to the city when we go on Wednesday.  I have to do a lot of traveling next week. Hopefully it all goes well.

Or Maybe Not

The mechanics said they couldn't find what was wrong with my car. It would have to get worse before they would be able to see it. This does me a lot of good when I might get stranded somewhere or die in the middle of massive traffic. I'm not happy about this at all.

Yesterday was difficult as well. Errands that should have taken perhaps two hours somehow stretched into almost three. We were both so exhausted by the time we got home. At least the car didn't screw up. 

I really am tired of feeling so stressed out about my automobile. 

Lucky Again

My car stopped in traffic today. It made a horrible noise and then I suddenly couldn't get it to do anything. I'm very lucky the car behind me was able to stop. I'm very lucky I wasn't it.

The car is at the mechanic's now. I'm hoping they can figure out what is wrong with it without multiple trips and multiple repeats of it stopping like this. 

I'm really screwed up about this. I came so close to being hit and I know things could have ended up a lot worse than they were. I hate it when the car is broken. Like my roommate says, we depend so much on them and they're so very old. 

Hopefully they can fix it. 

Hot Again

Despite the fact that it's October, the weather today decided to be 94. I was miserable for quite a few hours. It's supposed to cool down over the week, but this weekend isn't going to be any fun.

I keep a daily journal about what I eat and how I feel. The last several weeks have just been a repeat of "tired." I'm staying so very tired and I don't know why. I probably need to talk to my doctor about it, but even the idea of going to the doctor is making me tired. 

In the meantime, hopefully it will cool down sooner rather than later.

Sims Tasks

So every Tuesday for several weeks, Sims 4 has tasks they want us to do. It's Halloween-themed, basically. It's a long-form tutorial on making Ambrosia. Every week, you have some things you have to do to get closer to learning how to make it.

It's a very simple little set of tasks, but I find that I'm really enjoying it. I wish they would do things like this more often. It gives Sim players something to look forward to and a way to get some holiday-themed free content. 

Warmer

I was looking forward to October, but it's proving disappointing so far. It's been hotter than it should be. It's been in the 90s. We're still having to mow the lawn. It's so stupid.

I need Fall. I need colder temps and to wear my hoodie. I need to watch the leaves spiral to the ground as I drink hot cocoa. I do not need to have three fans on me this time of year. 

Fall really needs to get here.

October

Tomorrow is the start of a new month, the month that is usually my favorite month. It's when all the spooky fun stuff happens. I want to experience that. Hopefully we can find a lot of horror movies to watch. We'll put up our decorations and I'll get to enjoy those again.

I need to remember that last year October also had some nasty surprises for me. Those could repeat again this year so I'll be on the lookout for them. Still, September was so sucky this year that I really need a good, fun October. I really do.

Lucky

Today was a lucky day for us. My roommate happened to notice that the tire was low and we got it to the shop before it went completely flat. I am so very glad we didn't end up on the side of the road trying to change a tire as traffic flowed by. 

Outside of that, the day was pretty good. My roommate found something fun and new for me at the store. I got to  talk to my step-mom. Overall, not a bad day. We're just very lucky he is as observant as he is.

Sick Kitty

Along with the issues we had with Little Spot, our indoor cat Machen was also acting ill. My roommate took him to the vet and he's got meds now. It's taken a few days, but he's starting to act like his usual self. 

After what happened with the outdoor kitty, we were afraid we would lose this one as well. I'm glad we haven't. I love him a great deal. I loved Little Spot too though. It still hurts that  he's gone. 

A Hard Day

There are several feral cats in our neighborhood. If anyone could have tamed them, it would be my roommate, but these cats are just too wild to ever really be comfortable around humans. Despite this, we still watched them, did what we could for them, and loved them.

Today one of them died. It really breaks my heart that this happened. I would have given anything to be able to take him inside and protect him, but he wouldn't even come near us, much less let us hold him or bring him in the house.

Still, he was a beautiful kitty. He was orange and had orange eyes. He was tiny and he had a lighter spot on his back. For lack of any other way to name him, I just called him Little Spot. 

So goodbye, Little Spot. You may not realize it, but you were loved. You were noticed and adored. I hope your next life is longer, better, and full of good things. 

Quiet

Outside of a plumbing issue that will hopefully be fixed at some point this week, our weekend was quiet. I watched some stuff and wrote back comments to comments that I got on my fics. 

It's supposed to get hotter this week. I'm not happy about it but hopefully it will be the last blip of summer before we go into the cooler weather.  

Sinus Issues

My sinuses are a mess right now. My throat is mostly raw feeling and I'm staying blurry eyed. I'm really tired, though I'm not sure if that's from my allergies or the shot. It's worse than it usually is during shot day, so I think it's the allergies as well.

Outside of that, it's been okay. The weather has been good and everything has been quiet. 

 

Good Weekend

It was so nice all weekend. I only had to run one fan, and I could sleep under a blanket. Bliss! I know it's going to get hot again (even back into the 90s), but at least we got a couple of days where things were lovely.

A project I worked on all summer finally happened. The Tolkien Reverse Summer Bang revealed its collection for 2024. Basically the idea is that you are paired up with an artist and you write a story based on their art work. I had a really fun time with it this year. It's one of my favorite events.

Anyway, that,good food, and good talks with friends made for a very grand weekend. I'm ending it being pretty happy.

Cool Days

It's been cooler the last few days and that's helped to improve my mood quite a lot. It's nice not to hear the constant roar of many fans happening at once. I just have my smallest, quietest fan on at the moment. It's peaceful.

We accomplished quite a few things in the last few days as well. We paid bills and celebrated my roommate's birthday. We made some plans for what will be going on during the rest of Fall. 

GRRM posted in his Livejournal about the first two episodes of the second season of House of the Dragon. He criticized it a lot and has sense deleted the post. Apparently he gave away some spoilers for what would happen in future seasons. It probably wasn't the wisest decision on his part.

The State of Me

Today my therapist and I talked about how I've not been writing in a while. I posted a story to a collection today, but it's the first thing I've written in months. I can't say this is because of my father's death. I'd more or less stopped writing fiction before that. I did stop my journal afterward though. I just couldn't face my own inner thoughts.

My father's death has had a profound effect on me though. I don't even feel like myself a lot of the time. I feel like I'm somewhere off in the distance. I don't know how to get back to me. 

Perhaps time will heal this.

Summer

It's been a while since I posted. The end of summer has been hard on me. I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping and even functioning half the time. I think I have some kind of chronic fatigue now. It's getting worse.

This is affecting my mental and emotional state. I keep a daily track of my food intake and jot down a line about how I'm doing. The last several weeks of entries have been various states of sad.

Then again, this shouldn't surprise me. My father passed away. How can I be anything else besides sad? 

Hopefully things will be better in the Fall.

Rain Again

Out of the blue, it rained again last night. It knocked the temp down a lot, though we still had to run the AC. I'm doing my best to endure August, though it's not easy. 

I'm still very much missing my dad. I think that isn't really getting any easier. I dreamed about him again last night and woke up just missing him so much. 

I have a project due at the end of the month and I'm ready for it. It's interesting to be prepared ahead of time. I'm glad I'm in that place.

Rain

We got rain today and yesterday. It was enough to keep things coolish for the last few days but probably not enough to sustain through tomorrow. That sucks because we have to go out tomorrow.

This is going to be the third week in a row I'm having to drive to my least favorite place to drive. It can't be helped. The van needs fixing. Still, I hate that parking lot with a passion. Plus, I'll have to be out at the absolute hottest point in the day. Sigh.

Anyway, hopefully the next couple of days go well. I would really like to going to the mechanic every week. 

Relief

The next three days are supposed to be decent. We'll still have the AC on tomorrow, but this weekend we might hopefully just have fans running.  This will be a nice change.

Past that, well, it's supposed to be nasty for the rest of the month. I guess I can't complain too much (yes I can) because it's August and it's always our hottest month.

I'll try my best to savor these next three days.

Quiet Weekend

Other than some cat issues, this weekend was fairly calm and good. I'm glad about that. We needed it. Last week had THINGS going on and this week will as well. This is also bill paying week and that always makes things more complicated. 

This is the last night of House of the Dragon season 2. I think this season lagged some because they're having to structure episodes around battles and a lot of those battles happen later in the story. They needed things for people to do and a lot of that ended up being filler. Hopefully they won't make this mistake in future seasons. 

Easier

For a long time, going to the eye doctor wasn't easy for me. I was too big to handle the equipment productively. It's one of the reasons I would always dread that appointment.

But having lost some weight, I have to say that the whole appointment went far better. I was able to deal with all the equipment and never had an issue with any of it. The usual struggle wasn't there.

This ended up being a pretty decent appointment for me.

A Rough Week

There are a lot of things planned for the upcoming week. Some of them involve me being up very early. Some of them involve me dealing with a place I hate. Still, it must be done and somehow, all in the same week. 

I'm not looking forward to this. For one thing, it's supposed to be really hot all week. For another, well, as I said, up early and to places I don't like. 

Hopefully this time next week, things will be better.

Sabotaged

I was so excited to see my best friend today, only to have the whole thing go wrong. My body decided it had to be queasy beyond reason and I had to go home. I felt so bad about this. I felt like a failure. I couldn't just handle a simple visit with a friend. 

I really hate it when my body betrays me like this. I just wanted to have some good conversation and be somewhere that wasn't my house for a while. But no. Not allowed. 

Next time, I'm taking my anti-nausea meds with me.

2 Months

My dad died two months ago today. I managed to get through without crying, but I was on the verge of it quite a few times. A month ago today we had his memorial. It doesn't seem like it's been that long since all this happened.

I think I'm still in shock about the whole thing. I dream about him pretty often and I still feel like he's still alive. It just doesn't seem like this could have happened. 

I feel lonely without him. I miss my dad so much.  

Beautiful Day

Even though my back was giving me issues, today was wonderful. The weather was mild and our errands went quickly. 

I spent most of the day under just my quietest of fans. Not having to listen to the roar of the stronger fan was so nice. The big fan really gets on my nerves after a while. It was peaceful today.

At the end of the day, I just feel good about things. I know this is because I didn't have to deal with much noise and my body stayed cool. That's so awesome, especially in the middle of July.

More Writing

After a few days of just doing 250 words at a time, I was able to really write a lot tonight. I think I wrote close to 1000 words. I was finally inspired for the first time in quite a while. 

Mind you, I'm not sure that anything I wrote was all that good. I may end up trashing the whole lot of it. Still, it felt nice to be in a place where the words were flowing again. It's like I felt like myself again for a while.

Writing

I've been working on a story for an event and it's been difficult for me. With my dad passing away, my creativity is pretty zapped. I've been making myself work on it for a small bit every night and hopefully this will get me to the deadline. I mean, I know it will. I'm mostly there anyway, but it's still a rough emotional process. 

I'm working on the project with a friend and I think if I wasn't with a friend, I probably would have bowed out by now. I'm just not in the place to do this on my own. Having someone else there to support me helps quite a lot. I'm glad I have that. 

Still Sad

I called a relative that I was supposed to call on Saturday and told him I didn't call because I'm sad. It's true. I'm so sad right now. I'm not really handling this situation with my dad well. I'm not sure, at the moment, that I ever will.

Things have been a blur. July 4th happened and we did nothing. We didn't even eat anything special or anything. The most we did was look at fireworks out the window. It was just another blank day for me, I guess. 

Most days just feel awful. I lost my father and I'm just not really doing well. I hate this so much.

Missing Him

I really miss my dad. The grief for him hasn't settled in any way. It's still very raw and catches me in moments and breaks my heart all over again. 

This hurts so much. I would have rather it had been me. I don't like living in a world without him. It's too hard sometimes. 

Powerless

I've avoided writing about how much I hate summer because it usually does no good and it's early days. Plenty to hate in the months to come. But I thought I would write this because something occurred to me about the issue.

I hate summer because I'm so powerless against it. There is very little I can do to change the situation, outside of turning on some fans. In the winter, I can put on more blankets and more clothes, but there is only so much you can take off during the summer. 

I think part of this powerlessness makes me start to panic, which in turn makes me hotter than I need to be. I think it's something I should try to be aware of and stop when I can.

Back to Normal

Guests have traveled back home. Things should start settling down now. I don't think things will ever feel RIGHT again, but at least they'll go back to somewhat normal. 

I miss my dad. I still can't believe he's gone. There are things I shared with my dad that I can't share with anyone else. There is an emptiness now and that isn't going to go away. 

The Service

The memorial service for my dad was today. It was beautiful. My stepmother's family really came through with the food and the band did a great job with the music. I think I did pretty well with my eulogy. 

I'm tired but we managed to get through it. It's a day I'll always remember.

Father's Day

This was my first Father's Day without my dad. The day felt really gray and awful. It isn't that I used to do much with my dad on this day, but still. I hate this so much. I hate that he's gone. It's really rough and I don't know how to really process the grief of it.

Meeting

Last night we met to finalize the stuff about the Memorial. I think it's all ready? Mostly? There are a few details that won't get settled until later on, but for the most part, we're good. 

We also talked about the issues with my dad not having a will. I think that will get started soon and be dealt with. Hopefully. Everything is still so up in the air.

On a lighter note. I went into A PLACE I'd never been before and handled it okay. So yay for that. 

Rough Day

I had a rough day today. My emotions were raw and everywhere. It was muggy and the back door broke. The last thing we needed was something else breaking. It put me on edge and I'm not sure how to relax out of it. I hope I don't nerve myself out so much that I can't sleep. I need to sleep because I have things to do tomorrow. 

Nothing feels right anymore.

Sleepless

I didn't sleep well last night. In fact, sleep was almost nonexistent for me. I'm really hoping that changes tonight. 

Sleeplessness is so difficult to deal with. It's almost like you forget how to sleep. For hours I just laid there, wishing things would change. Nothing did. 

Needless to say, I was really tired all day. I hope this leads to me sleeping tonight.

Committed

We now have a time, date, and location for the memorial service. We haven't ironed out the details of it yet, but those will be done soon enough. Right now, it's good to know we have a basic idea about what will happen and where.

 There are a lot of odd questions you get asked about a memorial service. My stepmom asked me if I wanted my father's cremains at the service. This struck me as an odd question, but then later I realized that it was possible that some people would. I'm fine with him just being there with us in spirit, but maybe that isn't enough for my brother? I don't know.

Planning

We're slowly planning the memorial service for my dad. It's all still up in the air. My brother wanted it to be at a park by the river but it's going to be hot by that time so my stepmom wanted to do it at an event center. I hope everyone is okay with this. 

I feel like things are just in flux right now. No one knows anything about what's going on. I guess it will be that way for a while. I just hope people show up.

Paperwork

My dad left all of his paperwork a mess. It's going to take lawyers and probably probate to sort it all out. It shouldn't come to that, but it probably will. I'm not sure how long this will take. Probably forever. 

Long story short, get your will and other paperwork sorted before you die. Don't put your loved ones in a bind about all of this afterward. 

Orphaned

My dad passed away today. He was 72. I loved him dearly. He was one of my closest friends. 

My dad always treated me with respect. If he didn't approve of my life choices, he never said anything about it. He just accepted me for who I was, flaws and all.

This isn't eloquent and I'm not sure I can be for a while. It's too sudden and I'm too close to it. I just know I miss him and wish this whole horrible situation hadn't happened. 

The Worst News

Someone very close to me had a series of strokes and it's very bad. I'm concerned I may be losing them and it's really breaking my heart. I'm trying to keep this vague to protect their medical situation. 

I love this person very deeply. They're part of the very definition of who I am. I hate the idea of losing them, but I know it could very easily happen. This was all just so sudden. 

I don't know what to do. 

Post Mother's Day

I had a dream about my mom the night before Mother's Day. I dreamed she was renting a house and had convinced me to live with her. The house was weird. It had the kitchen in what was clearly a bedroom space and had three very large bathrooms in it.

Somehow in the middle renting this house, she decided she would sell it. We started seeing prospective buyers, and all the while I was wondering how this was going to happen when we were renting.

Mother's Day itself was quiet, as it should be given that all the women responsible for my birth are dead and I have no children of my own. I'm glad it was quiet. It used to be pretty stressful. Any day I had to spend with my mother and grandmother was always stressful.

Past Mother's Day has been fine. The weather is dark and dreary, but it isn't too hot. The trailer for Rings of Power Season 2 happened and I remain rather unimpressed. 

Closeness

The kitten doesn't understand closeness. He wants to. He'll sit near you and then try to lean against you. But then he always pulls away as if it confuses him.

He also doesn't understand petting very well. We've pet him since he first came in the house, but he seems confused as to what it's supposed to do. 

His main form of affection is to rub against your legs. The problem is, he usually does this during times when you'd rather he didn't. For example, he loves to rub against people's legs when they're walking. 

Right now he's on the back of my chair, hovering close to me, but not quite touching me. Sometimes he'll lean in close enough for contact, but then he'll pull away again.

Kitten Toy

The kitten has managed to find every toy that we had stashed away in the house. Every ball, jingle, and stuffed mouse that other cats have hidden over the years, the new kitten has found. 

Of these toys, the stuff mice have suffered the most. We'll see a stuffed mouse in his mouth one day, then find the stuffing in one room the next. Sometimes it takes us a while to find the outer layer of the poor toy. 

Today the kitten was hanging around the back screen door, looking forlorn. I wasn't sure what his deal was at first, but I noticed something pink and furry when I put on my shoes. The screen door doesn't close very well, and somehow the kitten had managed to push the body of one of his toy mice outside.

Needless to say, the body is back inside with us now. I have no idea if it will stay in here.

Let It Be May

I was talking to my best friend about how March and April just flew by. It's suddenly May and that seems really quick. So far this month has been dreary. Hopefully it will brighten up. I really don't want it to get too hot yet, but some sun would be nice.

We're headed toward summer and I'm not happy about the heat but I'm happy about the potential to not be SAD anymore. That would be great. 

Car Issues

It isn't that the AC on the driver's side doesn't work. It works, kind of, but just not well. We took it to the mechanics and hoped they could fix it.

They couldn't.

Well, okay, they could maybe fix it but they weren't sure and it would cost a lot of money. 

So for now, I'm just going to deal with things as they are and hope it doesn't get worse.

Pain

I'm at that age where weather can put me in pain. We had storms all evening and now my back feels like it's one solid piece of brick. I'm in so much pain right now. I took meds for it but so far they're not doing me a lot of good.

We have to take the car into the mechanic's shop tomorrow. I'm hoping the problem with the AC is fixed quickly and that it works this time. We took it in last year for this exact reason and I don't know. I hope it's not something stupid making it be hotter than the other side.

I like our mechanic but I hate the packing lot of the shop. It's really narrow and there are always a lot of cars around. It scares me, honestly. I dread going there every time we have to go there and I'm trying not to panic about it.

Needless to say, I'm not having a great evening. 

Almost Over

We're coming to the end of the month. I'm pretty impressed with myself this month. I did a lot of stuff. I actually went inside places and socialized with people. It's been a long time since I did that and I'm happy that I did. 

There were costs. I've also spent quite a lot of this month being in pain. I didn't make the progress that I wish I would have in some ways and I didn't do any fictional writing. 

Still, I went places. I had more experiences in the last month than I have in the last four years. That's impressive.

The Scary Moments

When you live on the very edge of things and every bit of resources that you have are vital, any threat to those resources is scary. That happened this weekend. There was a situation that threatened our household. It was assumed it was due to a mistake on the part of others, but until this morning there was no way to prove that.

The situation is handled and we're okay, but those hours of not knowing have really done some damage. I don't think we'll be calm for days now. We're just not good at handling the scary moments anymore.  

Loss

Today my best friend and I drove around the area to enjoy her new car. It's pretty great. It's the newest car I've ever been in.

We went down a lot of backroads that we used to travel as kids. In some ways that was nice, but in others, it was hurtful. There are a lot of changes.

The biggest change is that I finally saw the vacant lot where my grandparents' house used to be. Like I told my best friend, that house was the first place I ever felt safe and now it was gone. That hurt a lot.

I'm still processing this loss. I mean, I thought I had. The house has been gone for years now. Still, it's the first time I've actually seen it. It's a lot.

Exposed

I have now lost enough weight that people outside of my small circle can tell. They can tell by how I move and by just the way I look. They're commenting on it. I know it's to be expected and I know they mean well, but it still makes me feel very exposed.

I'm not upset or offended by any means, but it makes me nervous because part of me still thinks this will stop, that it will go away. I think nothing scares me as much as trying this, it works, and then it completely fails and I end up like I was before. 

Having said that, I went into A Place tonight that, this exact time last year, I had to use my wheelchair to get through. This time, I was able to walk the whole way and not even get that overly winded. I'm very proud about that.

Revealing

I slept so poorly last night. I tried napping today and it just never really caught up with me. I wish it had. It's been so hard not sleeping. It's really the worst part about being on my meds. My sleep isn't as bad as it was before I got my CPAP but it almost is.

I'm doing a challenge on FB where I list the top ten albums that have influenced me. I'm doing it to where it's recent influences. I've done it before where I listed the influences of the past and I think I was too revealing about it. At the time it felt like a good writing assignment but now it feels like I gave too much of myself away. I just don't want to do that on social media anymore.

A Better Situation

I am in a better situation than I was with my meds. I am now on a different strength that is easier to find. This means that hopefully, I won't be going through the crisis every month trying to get my prescription filled. 

In other news, the kitten has learned to fetch. We now have to play fetch with him for a while every day, then he goes to sleep. It's a pretty good system.

Eclipse

Today my father asked me if I thought anything crazy would happen during the eclipse. I told him we were too boring for anything to really happen. Good, bad, or otherwise, we just have too mundane an existence for anything to happen during an event like that.

Having said that, the eclipse was beautiful. The world as a whole didn't change, but I'm better for having seen it. I'm glad I experienced it with my roommate. It freaked one of the cats out. The other one didn't care.

Progress Finally

I have my meds. I got them in a couple of days ago. I'm so happy I have them. I was preparing for how things would go if I didn't get them but thankfully that isn't something I have to worry about, at least not this month.

I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday. We'll be discussing the meds along with other topics. I can't think of a reason why she would change my dosage but it's always possible. If she does, at least the strength up from the one I'm doing right now seems to be easier to locate than the one I'm on. 

One way or the other, at least I have them.

The Med Woes Continue

I called the pharmacy today and they still didn't have my meds in. It's possible that they might have some in tomorrow but it's unlikely. I have an appointment to see my provider on Tuesday. Perhaps we can make some kind of progress here. I'm starting to really worry.

Outside of that, I did more walking than I normally do yesterday and I'm in a lot of pain today. I even snarked at someone on FB for not using a comma. I shouldn't have done that but whatever.

Net Failure

So the internet is out again. I'm doing this on my phone. I managed to handle all of my chatting, even though it was through 3 different apps. My brain was all over the place.

I went into a place tonight. I did okay with it. I think I  am getting better about this.

Med Woes

Due to increased demand and not enough supply, my meds won't be available until sometime mid-month. I still have some shots, but not many. And if this continues, I may get into a situation where I don't have meds at all.

I'm hoping I'll be okay. I'm hoping that I'll just continue to do things the way I've been doing them and ride this out until the situation calms down. But I'm not sure how easy that will be. 

To be honest, I'm scared. I've made some modest progress here and I don't want to lose all of it. I'm really scared.

Yesterday

Yesterday was a big day for me. I went to a movie and also out to eat. I've not been in TWO buildings on the same day in years. I've been so bad about just staying in the house and maybe going to A place once every six months. During Covid, I didn't go anywhere.  Past that, I just never got back into the habit of it.

I went to the Two Places with this cloud over me like something would go wrong. Nothing did* but I was worried that it would. The day went well and I'm very happy about it.

*Nothing went wrong while I was out. When we returned home, the internet went out for 24 hours, but I'm not going to see that as some kind of punishment for going out and having a good time, even if my inner voices are trying to tell me that's the case.

Ups and Downs and Downs

We're doing a Thing on Tuesday and despite the physical demands of it, I'm looking forward to it. I'm still nervous, but not in a dire level of panic.

Speaking of panic though, I had a low level panic attack on Thursday and didn't do some stuff I should have done. Things are better now, but because I put off what I should have done then, I'll be doing it on Monday instead. Hopefully I won't panic about it then.

While we're on the subject of panicking, I had to do an interview on Friday and ever since I've been questioning every answer I gave. Even though I mostly just answered yes or no, I'm still worried I somehow messed it up.

I wish I wasn't scared all the time. It's very exhausting. 

Springlike

It was warm enough today for us to open the doors and let some air in. It was actually a lot warmer outside than it was inside. I went out with my crocheted hat on and regretted it.

I packed away some winter clothes. Aside from a couple of hats, most of my winter things are washed up and ready to be stored again. I'll try to finish that up this week. Some of them go on my shelves and some into the closet.

Am I looking forward to Spring? Yes. In some ways. I like the extra light and I'm tired of it being so cold. I am, however, not looking forward to the bugs, the mowing, the allergies, and the eventual summer of it all. 

There is nothing I can do about it though. Time marches forward.

Rough Day Again Again

My sinuses were causing havoc on my body today. It wasn't fun to be in my skin. My stomach still isn't settled from all of it and I'm not sure how well I'll sleep tonight.

On a brighter note, I got in contact with our lawn mowing guy and he'll still be mowing for us this year. Hopefully there will be no glitches with that. 

Successful Continuing

I realize that most people's lives have returned to normal after Covid, but mine really hasn't. I still mostly stay in my house. If I go out, I usually don't leave the car. Outside of seeing my family once a year and the occasional doctor's visit, I don't see other humans.

I'm trying to change that though. The process is slow. We're occasionally going out to places to eat. Recently we've eaten out twice. The place was very small though so I did alright.

Today we went to a larger establishment. Part of me was really frightened by this. It was more people than I've been around in years. They were everywhere. I did my best not to stare and not to act timid. My roommate noticed this and asked me about it later. I reminded him that he goes out to the store and can handle being around people better than I can.

So I count today as a big success. I was out. I went into A Place and existed around Other People. I'm physically sore and mentally spaced out by it, but it's one more step to getting back to normal.

Successful

My roommate took Machen to have his neutering surgery yesterday. The procedure was successful and he's recovered quickly. In fact the first thing he did when he was out of the cat carrier was to jump on a table he's not supposed to be on. 

Millie was very happy when he was gone. She sat on my roommate's lap or mine basically all day, basking in the quiet and the joy of being the only cat in the house. 

She was very disappointed when Machen returned. She hissed and growled at him and hasn't forgiven any of us that he's back. 

Spring Foward

Am I looking forward to the extra sunlight? Yes. Am I looking forward to waking up an hour earlier? No. 

I didn't have to use my light box much this year but I think maybe that's because I knew it would be a hassle to get it down with the cat involved. Now it needs to be put away and stored along with some of my winter clothes. 

Am I happy we won't have any more snow? Yes. Am I looking forward to all the bugs and heat that come with Spring and Summer? No. 

We ordered meds for the cats and soon we'll be washing all the winter blankets. I'll miss the comfort of cozy warmth as it changes into uncomfortable warmth. 

I'm ready for winter to be over but I'm not quite ready to endure Summer. May Spring be long.

Enemy Within

The house has been having some issues and I can't make myself calm down about it. There is this creeping sense that things will go wrong again and that it will be something I did. I just can't keep the anxiety at bay about this. I'm not sure what to do.

I have meds, but they really work best under the assumption that things are fine but my brain chemicals are out of whack. It's completely different when things are NOT fine and my chemicals are also out of control. My brain is basically torturing me right now. I hate this.

Outing

We went out yesterday to try and have something to do. Mostly it was just about looking at the pretty blooms on the trees and getting something to eat. The trees didn't disappoint. The food did.

I'm more cautious these days about what I get to eat because I know I can eat too much and make myself uncomfortable. But even with that in mind, the food was still far more expensive than it used to be.

Yes, I realize everything is more expensive these days, but it's basically to the point where places that used to be accessible to us are out of our price range. I just can't justify spending more money on one meal than we used to spend on two. 

The frustrating thing is that post-Covid, due to a lot of reasons (mostly health-related), we really didn't go out at all. I can count the number of places I've been inside of last year on one hand. That probably isn't very healthy. So we're trying to start venturing out more and find the normal that we used to have. But the expense of it is making it almost impossible to do this.

Drama Day

I'm on a medication that is very, very popular right now. It is so popular that when I called in my reorder, they told me they were out and didn't know when it would be back in. 

I called around to other pharmacies to see if they had any. Only one pharmacy in town had my medication and they only had one package left. This caused a scramble of me contacting my doctor and getting my prescription switched over to that place. 

I mean, this only ate up like an hour of my life, but it was a very trying hour. 

Special thanks to my roommate who did all the footwork here. I don't know what I would have done without him.

Rough Day

I was sick all day and still not feeling that great tonight. I hope I get sleep because I really need it. My sleep has been really bad lately and I'm not even sure if there is anything I can do about that. I wake up suddenly and have trouble going back to sleep. It's troubling.  

Warming Up

It's warmer now than it usually is in February. I'm in shorts and a sleeveless tee and I'm still too warm. It's because of my oxygen machine, I'm sure.

I'm dreading the coming warm months. I never do well during them and this year probably won't be any better. As much as I dislike winter, the warmer months cause their own problems. 

Fan Things

In the Tolkien fandom, it's Maedhros and Maglor Week. I'm participating by writing a story (and publishing) every day. That part has been a lot of fun. It's been good for me because I've actually had inspiration to write the whole time. 

It's also been really great to read other people's fics and look at their art. Some of the fics I've read the last few days have been so amazing. I'm really impressed with all the stuff people put out for this celebration.

A Good Day

My back hurt today. It hurt a lot today, but outside of that,  the day was pretty good. I published a fic and wrote another one. I watched a video over a book I wanted to read. I talked to my friends.

 I've been in this pretty dark headspace for a while now. And there are things going on that are leading to that. I'm scared, honestly, most of the time I'm just really scared. I try to talk myself out of that, but it's difficult. 

So when I have days when the fear and the depression aren't too bad, I like to point it out to myself. Today was that kind of day. I was in pain, but otherwise, it was good.

Slowly Coming Back

I'm starting to get a little more inspiration to write. It's been slow but it's returning. I only wrote two things last month (though one of them just came out yesterday) and this month I'm working on my third fic already. 

I don't know. Maybe it's the dreary days that have been getting to me. Perhaps now that I'm getting more sunlight my inspiration is coming back. Maybe I just needed some direction in terms of what to do next. Either way, it's good that I'm spending a little time working on stuff. I needed it. 

Valentine's Day Eve

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I don't know that we'll be doing anything for it. We might pick up something fun for lunch, but I'm not sure. It seems there should be some acknowledgment. We deserve to celebrate holidays just like everyone else.

Today was nice. It was sunny and that was such a change from the darkness and cold of the last few days. I'm very much ready for Spring even though I admittedly am not looking forward to Summer. 

Blocked Still

Okay my writer's block is back. I'm even having trouble writing anything, even my daily journal. My brain is just stuck so hard and I don't know how to unstick it. I hope this goes away as it starts to warm up. Spring can be a good time for me. 

Well, sometimes Spring can be a good time for me. Other years it's stressful and full of storms and fear. Hopefully this year it won't be stressful. I would love to have a Spring that's just mellow and lovely and full of creativity. 

This Time of Year

My roommate talked about how he feels scattered this time of year. I completely agree with that. It feels like I can't focus and like I can't keep things going. I mostly just want to sleep and find sleep difficult. I'm scared but then again I've been scared for a while now.

Things are frustrating. I'm not meeting my goals. I don't have any energy. I'm taking lots of meds for my mental health and none of them seem to be working. Or worse, maybe they are working but this is just as good as it's going to get right now.

Several years ago when Spring arrived I felt all mellow and wonderful. I wish that would happen again. I need that.

Bills Paid

My bills are paid for the month. This is a little earlier than usual but we needed to be out today so everything got handled. I'm happy about it. I always feel better when the bills are paid and I don't have to think about it for the rest of the month.

Outside of that, I'm dealing with some damage to my face from the mask I have to wear at night. I'm trying my best to deal with it, but it isn't easy given that I put the mask on every night. Oh well, if it doesn't get better maybe my doctor can help me with it.

101

I recently wrote my 101st fanfic and it's doing rather well. I think people were pleased with the direction I took it. I rarely write something strictly romance but this time I felt that I should. It turned out to be enjoyable. It's a one shot. I don't think I would even need to expand on it. And in its own way, that makes it even better. I like the idea of writing something that is complete in and of itself. 

Not Alone

It seems that basically everyone is in a horrible place right now. Elmo asked people how they were doing on Twitter and it sparked an avalanche of responses. Everyone is doing awful. Things aren't good. People are scared. 

So it isn't just me. It isn't just my little bubble of hell that is acting up right now. It's everyone's. I don't exactly know how to feel about that. 

Levels of Anxiety

The car was still working today. Yay. I'm glad. I have to admit I didn't expect it to. I don't expect it to from now on, honestly, because that's just how my brain works now. I've gotten such horrible anxiety lately. Even though I have meds to help me with it, they just barely scrape the surface of all the hell that is going on inside my mind.

It leaves me so exhausted. I know I've been anxious before but this just seems so much worse. I'm so tired of it. 

Car Woes

My car has been acting up since the snow and today the battery finally died. I took it to the mechanic and they put a new one in. 

The car is working better now, but I'm nervous. I know that cold weather can drain batteries that are starting to get low anyway, but I still get nervous when I take things into the shop. Usually other trips have to be made. I hope that isn't the case here, but my nerves have been so shot I can't really calm myself down about it.

Foundation Season 2

Just finished Foundation Season 2. Overall I liked the season, even though I felt like certain plotlines were dragging through part of the season. In the end, I think things ended well. 

There were characters that I wanted to live who didn't and a few who lived that I would have rather they didn't, but for the most part, I can live with how things turned out. It was truly satisfying to see Day's fate. 

As always, the costume design was great. The scenes were beautifully done. Visually, the production was stunning. I will never fault the show on that side of things.

There is a certain backstory that they gave to a character that doesn't exactly run contrary with who this character is, but it certainly takes liberties. I can live with it, but only if the character still ends up being who they're supposed to be in the end. 

Despite some flaws and one very, very annoying character, I was more pleased than displeased with the season.

Water Issues

As if things weren't bad enough, our city is now experiencing issues with the water. Some areas of town have no water, while others have low pressure. They're asking people to conserve water, though I'm not sure how that works when everyone has to run drips to keep the pipes from freezing. If people don't have drips and their pipes freeze, we'll have a bigger water crisis on our hands, as all of that will need to be fixed.

This is just so stressful. And the worst part of it is that this is the 4th or 5th water shortage we've had in the last 12 months. It's getting old.

Snowing

The snow has arrived and brought freezing temps along with it. The kitten trilled at the snow and seemed excited about it. He's the only one pleased.

We went shopping early, hoping to miss the start of the snow. Unfortunately it started about halfway through the trip. My roommate drove us home, thankfully.

I do not like this.

No Muse

I have not been inspired to write anything for a while now. I wrote two things last month and one of them came out this month. Right now, the well is dry. I have no inspiration at all. Maybe this will change when I'm less stressed out. Right now I'm worried about the weather. 

Hopefully it will change in a week or so. I have an assignment for an event due by VD. I need to have it written soon so I can edit it and submit it. 

Avoided

Today was predicted to be our first day of snow and that didn't happen. It's possible it could be Friday. Right now it's just saying rain, but it was saying snow earlier so that could change. 

What is looking more likely is that it will snow on Sunday night and into Monday. Hopefully it will be Sunday evening because that way we can shop on Sunday morning without too much danger. Yes, I realize that lots of people drive around in the snow with no problems but I am not one of those people.

Anyway, it's supposed to get bitterly bitterly cold next week. I need to fold some clothes because all of my warmer stuff has recently been washed. Right now I'm wandering around in red leggings which are not the kind of thing I would wear out in public. Again, it's fine if other people do, but I only go out in black.

Bad Weather Ahead

We're expecting snow twice this week. We'll have to find ways to work around this as far as shopping is concerned because I am not driving in the snow. I will not. It's too hard on my nerves and quite frankly it's too hard on the car. 

This year things will be different. We can buy a whole week's worth of groceries or we can wait until the snow melts and just use up what we have in the house. I don't care which, I just know I am not driving in the snow. 

Issues Settled

Yesterday I had two issues settled that had been looming for a while. I wasn't sure how either of them would turn out and the potential for them turning out bad was certainly there. Thankfully, both of them turned out well for me. I feel a great sense of relief even though it made a good deal of yesterday stressful.

The story I wrote for the Secret Santa has been published so I officially have 100 pieces of published fanfiction. It's not as many as I wish I had published, but it isn't a bad number either. 

On an interesting note, the prompt that I had for the Secret Santa was taken by two different authors and I really loved what both of them did with it. That was a really neat experience. 

Still Apprehensive

I've been dealing with a lot of fear lately. A lot of panic. My therapist has some theories about it and I'm somewhat accepting of them and somewhat not. I wish I wasn't so scared. I'm going to try her techniques to calm myself down. Still, it would help if the fear wasn't there in the first place.

Even sitting here and writing this there are half a dozen things my mind is trying to make me panic about. I'm on medication for this! I shouldn't be dealing with so much mental torture.

First Day

People didn't post their blankets and other yarn projects like they usually do. Maybe no one finished theirs this year. 2023 was hard on a lot of people. Maybe no one had the spoons to really get through their projects. 

I entered the new year with a lot of trepidation. The first of the year always scares me. I've had a lot of bad things happen during the first few months of the year. Ten years ago, it was when my body decided to try to bleed to death and I found out I had cancer. Other years it was my roommate's health that fell apart. One year it was a tax issue. 

As I said, last year was rough in a lot of ways. I just don't have the spoons for big scary things right now. I don't have the courage to deal with a lot. I need things to be calm and quiet. I need some time to recover from all the things that have been stressing me out for so long. I need a quiet, easy year. I probably won't get that, but it's what I need.