The Edge of the Deep Green Sea

I am now to the ninth time I have restarted this post. It's really not been a good weekend for me. My mind has been drifting badly and staying focused on anything was almost impossible. At moments, even painful. My brain would blip from this to that, babbling about pretty colors or scattered noises, only to meander off into another direction and sing songs to me from my childhood.

Equally, my emotions have been jumbled. On one hand, I've been in the throws of deep romantic love.....with the idea of tragic romantic love. I watched a movie with high gothic romance (right down to hiding behind a tree in the misty moors while the monster-your-lover is tracking you by scent alone) and kept The Cure's "The Edge of the Deep Green Sea" on constant play, my heart cringing in hurt a little every time Smith would sing, all lost and hopeless

never never never never never let me go she says
hold me like this for a hundred thousand million days
but suddenly she slows
and looks down at my breaking face
why do you cry? what did i say?
but it's just rain i smile
brushing my tears away...

I've also been missing my mom. One of the rules about having dead parents is that you can't talk about them all the time because people think you're faking it to get attention.  I try to stay quiet about it, but her being gone is really hitting me hard lately.  It all started a few days back when I thought of something I needed to tell her and remembered I couldn't.  Most of the time, the loss is quiet, but in that moment it screamed out at me and gripped me with both hands.

Maybe all of this together is why the song has been on such constant play of late.  Even though it's about loving someone and wanting with all your heart to stay sane (or sober or whatever) for them and knowing you probably won't, there is also the idea that quite often, we are both sides of the song. We are the one wanting to keep our sanity and also the one, the lover, begging us to keep it.

For me, it's always such a tightrope. My meds keep my brain jumbled, though most often this is on a bouncy happy note.  When I'm off of them, I slip back into the quagmire of depression and anxiety. Not as bad as they once were, therapy has worked wonders, but still there.

Honestly, sometimes I feel like I have these two monsters lurking just outside the gates and the only thing keeping them away is a protector who....well, who sings and babbles about random stuff, and brings me back into topics of non-sequesters.

I know it gets frustrating for people. I'll hear what they said and think about my reply, but then my mind will leap to something else related to that reply and then leap to something else. This happens in nanoseconds so by the time I speak back, I say something that sounds completely unrelated. Or worse, my mind will grad onto something in the midst of the stream and I'll watch it spin and take shape in my brain and completely forget what the person said in  the first place.

Well, will you look at that? I actually made it through a post without losing my grip on it or randomly wandering off the page without hitting the Publish button.  Good for me.