On an emotional level, I've been every where the last couple of days. It's varying from moment to moment. I started out therapy today in a fairly positive move and by half-way through the session, I was in tears, weeping my brains out because everything lately is scaring the hell out of me.
Like I told my therapist, I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not even really looking for comfort. I guess, more than anything, I just need security and some direction. The crazy thing is, I have both security and direction. Maybe I just don't believe in it.
Belief has always been difficult for me. Half the time, I'm not even sure if I know what it means. I hear people say they believe in things, like God or aliens or whatever....and some of the time, I can even see that something inside them really DOES believe. I'm not sure I have that. I'm not sure if I'm even capable of that.
Do I believe in things? Yes. Do I really believe in them? Maybe. And I'm not just talking about the abstracts here. Sometimes I even question the physical. The older I get, the more liminal everything seems. Oh, and you know that old saying "If you don't believe in something, you'll fall for anything?"
Bull. Shit.
If you don't believe in something, maybe you'll fall for things, but not for very long. Eventually, you start picking part the fabric of everything you come in contact with. I think the more apt saying would be "If you don't believe in something, you're never really that shocked when things start to fall apart."
Hmm. I guess maybe if I am totally sure of anything, it's destruction. And I'm not saying that in a "let's go write a boring poem about it and OMG why didn't Neil Gaiman marry ME" kind of way. I don't see destruction as bad. I don't see the ending of things, the breaking of things, as a horrible moment. Even as much as I hate unraveling, as much as I dislike rearranging my puzzles, deep down I know it's for the best. After all, destruction leads to more creation, often stronger creation with a firmer foundation and a clean slate.
I think this is one of the reasons I have such a fascination with volcanoes. Volcanoes can, and usually DO, destroy everything in their wake. The land is covered in pure molten blackness with all traces of what was there utterly gone. But then, after a while you begin to see new life, plants grow, animals come back. In some cases, you get whole new ecosystems. All from what began as total destruction.
I feel better now. Weird, huh?
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