Advice for the Advice-Givers

In all of our lives, we have people we go to for advice.  This is usually one to maybe three people.

THEN there are all the other people who feel they have to give you advice anyway. And you usually don't like them.  For one thing, you didn't ask. For another, their advice usually sucks.

Now, if you find yourself quite often dispensing your wisdom to others and they didn't ask you . . . it's not that they forgot . . . they really didn't want your opinion.  Really, they don't.  However, I doubt you will believe that. So I'm going to try and help you to find a way to better communicate your wisdom.

RULE ONE: IF YOUR ADVICE WILL END WITH ANY VERSION OF "AND THEN YOU'LL BE SO PRETTY" DO NOT SPEAK.

Oh, I'm sure you are a major fashionista/o and are just oozing with how everyone can look better, but telling someone how to improve their looks and adding some form of "and then you'll be so pretty" gets you no where.

When you say "and then you'll be so pretty" to someone, they hear one of three things.

1. You think I'm ugly. 
2. You want to make me conform.
3. You are threatened by my looks and want me to look less hot.

No matter which of these thoughts happens, you've completely lost the person on taking your advice. Either you've sent them into spirals of self-doubt, or they no longer trust your motives.

Instead of trying to give your advice with the "and then you'll be so pretty" ending, try working on their self-esteem.  Play up their positive features, everyone has at least one.  Tell them when they look nice. This is slow, very slow, but if you establish a rapport with them, eventually they may ask you for advice.  Then you can help, but without that phrase.

RULE TWO: IF SOMEONE HAS BEEN HURT, DO NOT PLAY CAPTAIN HINDSIGHT.

How many times do we hear of someone being raped and then some jackass saying, "Well, if she hand't gone outside, maybe that wouldn't have happened." Or whatever they say. The point is, many people have this tendency to blame people when bad things happened to them. "Oh, if he'd been nicer to his boss, he would have kept his job." Never mind that 300 people go laid off. "Oh, if they would have gone through their kids' room, they wouldn't have been doing drugs." Even if most junkies have very clever ways of hiding things.

Look, even when whatever tragic thing happened to this person was their fault and it's very clear what they could have done to prevent it, still keep your mouth shut. More than likely, they've figured this out themselves already. They don't need more people braying at them.

Considering what you're trying to really do here is help, do just that. Help them. Bring them over some flowers. Buy them a coffee.  Lend them a book to distract them. Just let them know things can still go on and be good in their lives.  When something tragic happens, this is the very best thing you can do for them.

RULE THREE: IF YOU FUNDAMENTALLY DO NOT AGREE WITH SOMEONE ABOUT SOMETHING, DO NOT GIVE THEM ADVICE ABOUT IT.

I kind of have a deep loathing for child beauty pageants.  I think they're creepy and exploitive and just deeply disturbing.  With that in mind, I know that any advice I would give to someone on the topic of "Heaven Destiny Madonna isn't lettin me wax her brows so she can be in Little Miss Potato Wedge" would be snarled from my mouth as "WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD GIVE HER OVER TO CHILD SERVICES BECAUSE YOU SUCK AS A PARENT YOU MONSTER." Which, while I do feel this way, it's not exactly helpful advice.

If our goal is to communicate, my example is a complete failure.  The parent of Heaven Destiny Madonna will see me as someone who only places negative value judgments on them and will avoid me.  Anything we could have talked about outside of pageants will now never happen.

The solution is to find common ground.  This doesn't mean compromise about your own beliefs, but you can make it clear that you don't agree about subjects in a calm and rational manner, then find things you do agree on.   This builds trust and true communication.  You may begin to understand more of why this person does the thing on which you disagree.

For instance, maybe the parent wants Heaven Destiny Madonna to get into a good school.  You will agree with them that this is a good thing.  Over time, you might bring over applications for contests outside of the beauty realm she can enter, like essay contests or other non-baby-shakes-her-sequinned-booty talent contests.

If you help them in finding ways to achieve their goals without doing the thing you so hate, all the while not dispensing your "I REALLY HATE THIS" advice on them, over time, you will probably see true results, and have a strengthened relationship with this person in the process.

RULE FOUR: NEVER GIVE PEOPLE ADVICE ABOUT ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS.

I'm not going to address this in terms of one or both people are being harmed. That is a whole other post, probably just one to itself.

I'm talking more about the general day to day stuff of relationships. "Oh, Sam never talks to me anymore." "Oh, Helen goes out with her friends all the time."

First of all, if said person has not asked your opinion about their relationship, do not give it.  There are many reasons for this, but they mostly come down to the fact that when it comes to romantic relationships, most of us give crazytalk advice.

This is because we filter all relationships in general through our own bias.  Of course, this applies to all the situations I've mentioned, but with relationships, it's even more cut and dry.  We all have strong opinions about men, about women, about how men should be in relationships, how women should be, what should happen, what shouldn't happen. And all of these opinions boil down to one thing: We always think what we most want is what is best for everyone.

Now, in some cases, this may be true, but in others, it's really not.

For example. I hear women all the time saying things like, "Oh, you need a man who really communicates with you and talks all the time about how he feels. You want to know what he wants and what he is thinking."

This is what they want and how most of them would probably frame advice. But it's not what I want.  Even though I blog a lot about communication, I know that in a relationship, especially one where you live with someone, constantly telling someone what you think and feel can be draining to the point of toxic. I would hate that.  So in this case, their advice just won't work for me.

OR....you have motive about this relationship specifically. This is a down and dirty little thing to face about yourself, but it might just be true. What if you have feelings for one of the people in the relationship? What if you have a desire to not be the only single person in the office/family/church? What if you want one of the people in the relationship to be involved with someone else? What if you are jealous of the attention this person is giving to their relationship when they should be paying attention to you?

Any motivation you have about the relationship is going to taint your advice. You might try to keep that from happening, but eventually, you'll probably rationalize why it should.

The solution here? Simple. DO NOT GIVE RELATIONSHIP ADVICE. It always backfires in one way or the other.

Which, I guess is somewhat caustic, but it's still true.

By the way, to conclude this, I do see the irony in giving all this advice about giving advice when it wasn't asked for. However, I'm guessing that if you're 40+ entries into my blog, you're probably actually interested in my advice, so this counts as asking as far as I am concerned.

And also, I do grasp that many people are not trying to be harmful with their unsolicited advice, but the sad thing is, often we still do harm with it.  I don't think that is really our goals.  And if it is, I suggest you go get a more positive hobby. I hear balloon making is fun.