The Same Deep Water as You

There's been a lot of upheaval lately.  My emotions have been all over the place . . . well, okay, my emotions have been in the Great Dark Forest, my mind somewhat up ahead, basically stirring things up as we go along. I've been barky, angry, snide, and in general broken. I've written five posts that I deleted before publishing. One that I deleted after publishing.   It's just been that way and this sucks because things were so damned victorious on Valentine's Day.

Then I read this and it somewhat changed things for me.  I didn't feel less fractured, but I felt less alone in it.  I think the problem is that I tend to try and move forward FORWARD FORWARD all the time.  I try so hard, want to see proof of change, want to know I'm a stronger woman than I was yesterday and the day before and the day before.  And not just that. I also want to be funny and creative and insightful. All at once.  All the time.

Which brings me back to one of the best lines of any song ever, and my favorite love song. If you can call it that. Of course my favorite love song would be about people's last moments before they drown.  Anyway, The Cure:

"Swimming the same deep water as you is hard."

How can I express, and accept (in a non-emo and defeatist way) that, quite often, it is rough to be me? All the brain activity, all the physical pain, all the poverty, all the chaos and past crap and tubing and unrequited dreams and EVERYTHING EVERYTHING and not supposed to be bitching about it and supposed to be changing it and supposed to be getting better....that composes me....it is hard.

I'm sure to an outsider, being me isn't that hard. I mostly just sit here, play Facebook games, and make snide comments.  That's just the surface though.  That's not all the worlds of other stuff going on.

Of course, I wouldn't want to be anyone else. There are some decisions I wish I would have made differently, or, more often, things I wish I would have actively decided about instead of just passively letting them happen.  I know my life is good, despite all the stuff mentioned above. I'm usually quite happy.  I'm even happy writing this.  It's just that my mind gets so bored with my surface thoughts. My mind loves to lure me back into the depths.  We swim deeper and deeper, hitting the maelstrom of everything at once, all the little bad spirals I've found for myself.  And as much as I know I need to pull myself out of the pattern, and as much as I know I CAN, sometimes I get so tired, or so overwhelmed, that I just can't.

Oh, darling brain, Robert Smith was so right.  Swimming the same deep water as you is hard.