Facing a Fear

Today marks the first full week of two walks down the driveway. How is it going?  There are benefits to my back and I think I'm getting a bit more endurance. I'm in a lot of pain though. I tore something in my knee and it hurts like hell.  Actually, it hurts like LESS hell than it did a week ago, but it still hurts.

I've made this commitment to not let pain be my excuse to skip a session of walking. I gain too many benefits from it and it's not like, at this point, it takes very long. I've decided there is a larger reason for it though, one I need to start addressing.

I'm pathologically afraid of pain. And yes, I get it, most people don't LIKE pain . . . okay, SOME people like pain, but not the rest of us. Over the years though, I have developed this acute fucked up fear of experiencing any pain at all. I panic about it. Seriously, whenever I am in pain or even when I think I may potentially be in pain, I start panicking.

This, of course, is ridiculous and impractical. Living life without pain, at least on occasion, is impossible to do. We get hurt. We break things. We get cut. Our knee goes wonky. That is just life. Rationally, I know this, but for some reason, whenever I think about being in pain, I start freaking out.  Even though I know, for the most part, I can endure whatever pain I happen to be in. I know I can get through it, so why the panic?

At the moment, I'm not really sure. It's something I need to explore. I need to get to the bottom of why the concept freaks me out so much. This is actually a very necessary thing for me to do, because trying to live my life without any pain is very, very limiting on me.

See, the more I think about it, it's not just the physical pain I fear. I have the same kind of reaction to the idea of emotional pain, to the extent that I avoid many situations (okay, almost ALL situations) where I could be hurt emotionally. I avoid family members and friends and confrontations that need to happen and opening myself up to new people . . . because I am just really terrified of being hurt by them. Though, again, that is just part of the way things are. We get hurt.  And we survive it. We endure.

As crazy as this fear is, I'm glad I'm acknowledging it and facing it.  I really don't want this to continue to be part of my life. I am at this place where I understand that in order to move forward and take agency over my life, I will be required to take risks. Physical risks, emotional risks, intellectual risks, and professional risks. Any and all of these could result in a lot of pain for me.

I don't want to avoid them because of this. Fuck it. I refuse to avoid them because of this. Pain happens. I know it happens. It should never be about avoiding the pain.

It should be about making yourself strong enough to deal with it.