Moments of Surrender

I think the worst part about the last month is that it started out with such promise. I was helping someone do something and I really loved it.  There was even a chance it could have turned into something productive for me. Then it all went to fuck, fell apart, and ended. To be honest, that was about the best part of my April.

I'm not one of these people who believes that when things break that some cosmic evil has befallen me. Things break. It's part of life. And, yes, sometimes things break because of cats. I'm the human though, and it's part of my job as the human to understand that, again, the cat wasn't trying to do something TO me when she broke my stuff.  She was just being a cat.  Still, things need to be replaced and when funds are limited, that is stressful.

Sometimes, a lot of stuff breaks at once. I had to have work done on my computer. Work was done on the roommate's car. Other things have broken over the month to the extent that I'm freaked out to even touch anything.  I shouldn't be this stressed out about it.

We've been working to keep the house clean and the roommate has been putting Flea Be Gone on the yard. Yet, despite our best efforts, the cats still have fleas. The house still has fleas. I spent quite a long while cleaning a certain area of the living room today, vacuuming, spraying it down, Lysol, the works. Even after all of that, my roommate had fleas jump on him when he walked over there.

I know it will be okay. I know problems can and will be solved. I know it's all just some complex puzzle I have to find my way through . . . but sometimes, knowing that isn't enough.

And that's okay.  It's fine to have moments when you're completely disheartened. As long as you don't harm yourself or anyone or anything else in the process, it's fine to have times when you just surrender to the total hell that life can be. And that's where I am now.....in surrender mode. I'll give myself some time recover and then start trying to swim through the fuckatude again.