The Great Marriage Protesting Compromise

It's election season in the US and we will spend our time until the election in November having rational and enlightening debate over the best way to fix the economy and get our nation back on  track.

HAHAHAHAHNO!

We'll spend the next several months in heated and angry debates about gay marriage, because it looks like that is where the line has been drawn in the sand.

Look, I'm not saying that everyone having the right to the marriage they want is a nonissue. It's very important and it should be legal. However, when I hear politicians talking about gay marriage (for or against it), I tend to be pretty jaded. What I really hear them saying is, "Look, I have no clue how to fix the economy and get everyone jobs without pissing off you mob of people or angering my corporate masters . . .so let's talk about the gay marriage."

Of course, it gets everyone else involved as well. People on both sides start talking about it and arguing. People act like if gay people get married it some how makes their marriage less of a marriage or . . . something. Honestly, I've never really understood the reasons against gay marriage (other than just the general reasons against marriage completely, which I do get), but then again, I've never suffered from head trauma, so maybe I can't.

However, I do feel there is a nice compromise to be made here. I say, we let all the consenting adults get married.  We give them all the same rights, responsibilities, and protections. This will settle the pro-gay marriage side of it.

As for the anti-gay marriage, I'm thinking you guys just really like the idea of protesting people getting married, so instead of it being the gay people, how about protest the marriages of other types of people. Who knows, maybe even some of the gay ones fit into these groups.

PEOPLE WE SHOULDN'T ALLOW TO GET MARRIED

• Desperate people. This almost seems unfair in a way, because usually what these people are so desperate about is the fact that they're not married. However, we all know that anyone who is acting out of desperation is probably making a shit ton of mistakes. They're not getting married in a rational way . .  or even in a passionate way. They're getting married because they're panicking.  This is no way to built a long relationship.
• Manipulative people.  Anyone who manipulates anyone else into marriage is  violating that person.  There is no equal footing in this situation. One person is being trapped and the other person is a lying fuck. This will never get better.  At best, the trapped person will learn to fight back. But that isn't a marriage. That is a war.
• Closeted people. OH LOOK! This is a group of gay people you actually would still get to protest!  Of course, it isn't the gays marrying the other gays. It's the gays marrying people of the other gender. Wait. WHY would you want to protest this?  Because no one should enter a marriage out of fear of being found out for who they really are.  Anyone who is gay but feels compelled to play straight just for the sake of being accepted is having to live a lie. Lying is actually a sin, as you recall, so by making them marry someone they don't love "in that way," you're basically condemning them to a life of lies. This also sucks for the other person in the marriage, as they are condemned to a life of not being that sexually desirable.
• People who can't commit.  Does it seem odd to people this on the list? Maybe. However, even thought people hate commitment and suck at it, quite often they still end up married. Most of the time, this is usually due to the Manipulate people (see above), though sometimes they are the manipulative people themselves. Anyway, people who can't commit set themselves and the marriage up for failure. They may go into it with good intentions, but very soon afterwards, their need for independence kicks in and everyone is fucking unhappy.
• Those assholes who are never happy. You know the kind. The people who bitch about the car but then bitch when they get a new one. The people who bitch about the way the furniture looks in the living room but then bitch about it when it all gets rearranged. My grandmother bitched about living on a farm instead of in town and then bitched about living in town and not having her farm anymore when she moved.  Seriously. THESE PEOPLE WILL NEVER BE HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS EVER.  If they wish to indulge in a life of constant misery, more power to them. Just don't drag anyone else into it with you.
• People who can't control their temper. I know I have said this before, but it needs to be repeated often. Angry people should live alone. They should stay the hell away from everyone else and just have their little hiss fits in private. It's safer for everyone else in the world if this happens and it certainly does them no harm, as they most often just use those around them as props for their anger addiction. Want to be pissed off all the time and never give a second's thought to maybe NOT blowing up every chance you get? Awesome. Just don't involve anyone else in your mess.
• Passive/aggressives. Passive/aggressive people live in this complex fucked up dance where everything is some bizarre mindfuck.  It's actually kind of an interesting idea to keep passive/aggressive people from having relationships, as this seems to be the way they flourish. It will be quite difficult for them to function without other people to screw with........of course, this just bans them from marriage. They can still join social groups and fuck everyone over.
• Lazy people. Marriage is not for the lazy. It's hard work. It's everyday work, sometimes it's every minute work. If you can't be assed to get up and participate in that, then, seriously, don't get married. To be honest, this should make you happy because it means you don't have to go through that ceremony.  You can get cake from somewhere else.

See? SEE? There are SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE you can ban from marriage!  So many other people who truly, honestly have no business inflicting their screweduppedness on others. This could be so much fun for you protesties! You can have meetings where you get all angry about these groups and have people come in and talk about how much this kind of marriage can ruin people for years.  You can spend lots of money at HobbyLobby making up new protest signs and you can tweet about all the bad marriages out there. It would be a never ending source of things for you to protest.

And think of the unlimited examples. After all, gay people make up a very small percent of our population. These other fucked up people more or less make up the majority of it.