Thoughts and more Thoughts

I've been trying to wrap my mind around some theoretical stuff and it's not been easy. I know I can process it, but it involves math and my brain has this tendency to try and shut down when math is involved. It's a defense mechanism from years of mean math teachers. I wish it wasn't the case. In fact, I think I'm going to see what I can do about changing that.

I spent all of last night reading about theoretical physics and only processing what wasn't in equation form. Even part of that I got, but again, my brain was trying to scream "LALALALALALA" while I was looking at it. That is really frustrating and I need a way to train myself not to do this. I want to understand more about the topic. Stop freaking out about it.

I know this is possible because of knitting. You see, for years, I tried to learn to knit but my brain just refused to let me. Whenever I would pick up the knitting needles and open up my Knitting for Dummies book, part of my mind would just shut down. I have no idea why. Knitting isn't difficult. It honestly felt like some kind of stubborn refusal.

In the end, I literally had to move stitch by stitch, forcing myself to pay total attention to what I was doing. I have to admit though, even after I learned, I still have processing trouble with it. My mind rebels against any project and tries to blank out when I look at instructions. Whenever I talk about knitting with other people, my brain keeps telling me to shut up because I'm a fraud.

This has had some strange social implications. There is a knitting group in town that I think I'm refusing to go to because of this whole "brain against the knitting" thing. I know it is every Tuesday at five, but it seems like every Tuesday around noon, I forget about it. I think my brain is forcing me to forget for . . . whatever crazypants reason my brain has for not liking it when I knit. And I'm still not sure why that is.

In any case, I think there is some exploration to do here. I'm going to talk to my therapist about it and see if she has any theories. Hopefully there are some training techniques I can do or something.  You know, provided my brain doesn't shut down about those as well.