Forced Morality

The theory of a business having a morality clause is sound. By that, I mean that your company has people sign a clause saying that they will live by a certain standard of ethics that are connected to the profession and promise not to place value of money or power over that of human life. You won't fake electricity black outs that end up causing people hooked to life sustaining machines to die just do that you can make more money from them having to use other electric companies. You won't use your position of power to coerce people with less power to have sex with you.  You won't falsify reports to make it look like your unsafe product is safe.

Unfortunately, it seems like that kind of morality is never discussed when people get hired. The concept of NOT using the job to screw over people (literally or figuratively) just isn't something that seems all that important. If it were, I would be fine with it. It is, after all, honorable.

Instead, most often we see morality clauses attached to people's jobs when it's about the company's religion and the person's private life.  They want you to live according to their beliefs not only while you are at work, but also outside of it. If they don't believe in drinking, then they do not want you to drink. If they do not believe in sex before marriage, then they do not want you to have sex before marriage. Even if something is perfectly legal, they still want you to live by their rules or you will be fired.

I would never sign this kind of morality clause. Ever. I don't care if I agreed with everything they wanted me to abide by, I still wouldn't sign it. I believe it is a violation of my rights as a private person and quite unAmerican. People should be allowed to live by their own sense of personal morality. If they do their job well and aren't hurting anyone at your company, it's none of your business what they do when they're not there.

I know that a lot of people end up signing morality clauses because they feel like they don't have a choice. Times are hard and jobs are difficult to find. Still, I believe this is one place where we should draw the line. If you work for someone, you are there to perform tasks for them for a set number of hours. You don't owe them  your whole life.

If a company asks you to sign a morality clause, I suggest you don't. Inform them that working for their company isn't worth you being a slave to their beliefs. And, again, I don't care if you believe the same way they do. That shouldn't matter. If enough good workers turn these people down, maybe they will get the hint that they need to remove this policy. Maybe they'll realize they can't bully people into acting the way they should.

Because of the job situation in our country, the average worker is at risk of having a lot of bad things happen to them. I read countless stories of people having to go to three or four interviews and jump through all kinds of hoops, just to get a minimum wage job. People are upping the standards for almost everything, requiring more and more levels of education and qualifications for jobs that do not really need this level of certification. There is a kind of bullying quality to it. Perspective employers are starting to believe they can ask anything of people who want jobs, even, as in this case, a part of their souls.

Not only would I never sign a morality clause, I would also tell the person asking me to do it that they were pretty evil. They were trying to extort behavior from me 24/7. They were trying to force me to live in a way that didn't set right with who I was. If I didn't comply, even if I was the most qualified person who interviewed for their job, they wouldn't hire me. Like I said, it's fairly evil.

I have a moral policy against working for evil people.

GoT Geekery

Facebook has a new Game of Thrones game and of course I had to start playing it. It has some kinks that need to be worked out and it slows down sometimes, but overall, I like it a lot. It's a basic script game, but there are some advancements. In the spirit of 'choose your own adventure' books, each possible quest has various options, most of which lead you towards certain alignments. You build crap too and upgrade it, but that is kind of dependent a lot on how you are structuring your character. And, to me, that is the best part. You truly get to structure this character.

Everyone has the same basic setup. You are a recently widowed person who has managed to rise to minor nobility. You have at least two children (the oldest being an annoying daughter named Jayne) and have been awarded a small holding because you helped to chase out some slavers. Everything you do past that point is up to you.

My character is named Lady Blackwood, a former Whisperer (spy). She is very devoted to her family, follows the Old Ways, but does so in a very cunning manner. In any given situation, she will always put her family first, even brat daughter Jayne. It is her strongest motivation for everything she does. So if one of my three options has something to do with family, that is what is chosen.  Family will also include anyone who is in her inner circle, such as close advisers.

She will always opt for a cunning solution over a truthful one. Lady Blackwood doesn't feel the truth gets you very far, because no one else in Westeros is telling the truth anyway. She will also follow the Old Ways because in the books, the Blackwood family is still one of the families who do. So for her, following this path is still about following family tradition.

I have to say, having such a strongly defined code for the character makes it relaxing for me. Even if the options wouldn't be the one that I, personally, would take, I know how I've written up Lady Blackwood, so her choices are very clear. Her motives are very clear and why she does what she does is obvious to me. As much as I could never be someone in my own life who was limited by such a narrow code, I can understand its appeal.

So even if I totally screw the game up, I know I did so with motives true to this character. And, honestly, if she ends up with her head chopped off, that's actually in live with how the books go.

Patience: Could it be My Virtue?

I would love to say I've always struggled with being a patient person, but that would imply I ever gave it any thought. For some reason, patience has always seemed like some foreign concept that I had no part of. It was kind of like speculating what was happening in someone else's backyard. Interesting and full of possibilities . . . but not really any of my business.

Instead, I always kind of viewed life like Wile E. Coyote falling off of a cliff. Sure, sometimes I would have my fall broken by branches or rocks, but eventually, I was going to smash into the ground below. It didn't matter if I was patient about this. It was going to happen, it was going to be bad, and my thoughts were best spent on how I could salvage things after impact.

Patience always felt like some kind of distant luxury. It was for people who were moving from one good situation to the next. It was their rather easy struggle with handling their own anticipation. That just wasn't my life.  The closest I came to patience was learning how to stay sane in the midst of dread, and I really wasn't even all that good at that.

I've talked to a lot of people who grew up poor and chaotic. I've read a lot of stuff by them as well. One of the things we struggle with as adults is learning to measure out situations. The best example I can give you of this has to do with one of my eating problems.

See, I have a lot of trouble forcing myself to ration out fun food. For most of my life, if I bought a box of cookies, I ate them until they were gone. There wasn't any 'I eat one now and then there will be more for later.' Nope. I would eat them until the box was empty. This kind of binge eating happened because when I was a kid, treats were always at risk to be taken away from me.

If one of my step-fathers noticed I liked something, it suddenly became a weapon for them. The second stepfather was the worst about this. I can remember several times when he would get my mom to buy my favorite candy and then forbid me from eating any. I would have to sit there and watch the rest of them eat it.  I'm not really sure what he was trying  to accomplish with this. The only thing he did accomplish with it was making me want to rip out his throat. Oh, and I guess he accomplished to plant these seeds of "eat it until it's gone so they can't take it away from you' mentality. Asshole.

Anyway, in this process of trying to become a somewhat healed and sane person, I think I'm going to start exploring this concept of patience. It's been flirting with me since the beginning of the year. The whole Tax Thing was a lesson in patience. I had to keep myself calm and remind myself that it would be solved. The knit project is a lesson in patience as well. One of the colors is fairly dreadful to my sense of taste, but I know that it's going to look beautiful with everything else.

Most importantly, I think I need to explore patience as a tactic for sustaining long and involved processes, such as losing weight. I need to learn how to use this patience stuff to keep myself focused on the big picture, to console me when I get discouraged, and to keep me going as this process begins to lose its novelty.

This isn't going to be easy. It may seem strange to a lot of you, but I just honestly have very little clue as to how to be patient. I get agitated and nervous. I start to fall back into dread. Or, you know, I just get bored and say 'fuck it' to the whole process. That isn't serving me well though, so I want to change it. I want to learn to be a patient person, who can use this power of patience to get her through the day. Even the stressful shitty days.

I have no idea if I can do this, but I'm going to try.

Sunday Yarn

I made a lot of progress on the knit project. I think I'll actually stick to my schedule for it. I know how I want it to look, but I'm going to have to do some practice with part of it. I'm planning on crocheting the boarders and it's been a long while since I've done any serious crochet work. This could either prove to be beautiful or ruin the whole damned thing. I'm hoping it doesn't ruin it.

I love knitting, but I will always have a soft spot in my heart for crocheting. My grandmother taught me how and it was something that always bonded us. When I would work on something, I would always bring it over so she could look at it. In fact, the very first thing I ever crocheted (the product of when she taught me) is laying across my feet as I type this. It's the most ugly afghan ever, but I love it.

Aside from a strange skin rash, which I hope is unrelated, that has basically been my day. Any day spent in the peaceful company of yarn, however, is a good day.

Goals of the Day

Today I set a goal of getting my knit project to 15 inches. I did it. I also set a goal of doing my food diary before any late night snacking (because if I didn't have the calories to spend, I wasn't going to snack). I did this as well. Two goals accomplished, by me of all people. How very awesome.

I want to have this portion of the knit project finished and be started on the next phase of it by Monday.I would also like to continue the habit of the food diary. I want that to become just a routine part of my day. In fact, I'm more interested in it becoming a habit that I am in making adjustments. Although, I would like to keep up with the idea that if I don't have the spare calories by a certain point in the evening, I just don't use them. I have a feeling that will make quite a difference in my life.

Anyway, short post tonight, but at least it's a productive one. Goals, I has them. I even accomplish some of them.

And Knowing is Half The Battle

I will say this, tracking my food intake is both enlightening and kind of scary. Though, honestly, it is explaining to me a lot about why and how I've gained weight over the years. It's one thing to suspect or even assume there are a lot of calories in donuts. It's another thing to see the reality of how quickly they can wreck your allotted numbers. Dammit.

Despite the scary, I'm enjoying the awareness. I should honestly start trying to be THIS aware of everything I do. Keep in mind, this is the total antithesis of how I usually function. I'm the person who hasn't kept a checking account in over ten years because I couldn't make myself write down how much money I was spending and stayed constantly overdrawn. It was one of those situations where I realized it was just better to stop.

Now though, I'm thinking if I ever have enough money to actually spend it on more than just basic bills/rent/food, it would be a good idea to actually chart where all of it goes. That way I would have not only a better understanding of my spending habits, but also be less shocked when I had nothing left five days before my next payday. If I decided to make changes, I would have a larger amount of data to consider.

This is basically what I plan on doing with the food diary. When I begin to make the next round of changes, I will be able to do so with more than just 'oh yeah I should eat less of ______' because that rarely works for me. With the diary, I'll be able to see what days I eat more, how work outs affect my food consumption, or even which meals need the most work. I'll have more answers so I can ask more questions. I'm really excited about this.

I'm a firm believer in creative problem-solving. I think the big mistake most of us (myself included) make when we're trying to solve our problems is that we keep trying the same thing over and over again. We get mad when it doesn't work. We blame aspects of the problem for not changing to our solution. Somehow the fact that this is illogical escapes us.

Look, if you keep doing the same thing and the situation doesn't change, then you need to change what you are doing. Don't keep frustrating yourself by assuming if you do it that way (and yell louder) one more time that's going to change. If your solution isn't working, it just isn't working. Stop it, reevaluate, and alter your plan. You're a creative person. You can do that.

The amount of weight I need to lose at this point can overwhelm me. Sometimes I get really freaked out about the length of this process, most because I worry that I won't stick to it. Then I remind myself that one of the reasons I started this journey was because I realized that if I'd kept with a 'lose the weight' plan that I started ten years ago, I'd have been at a healthy weight for a few years by now. The time is going to pass no matter what I do. I can either spend that time trying to work on this problem, or I can just sit back and let the problem get bigger . . . literally.

A New Project

I've added a healthy living app to my life. It's MyFitnessPal and it was suggested my my therapist. Actually, she suggested a different one, but I like this one more. You can access it both from the usual internet and from your mobile device. In my case, 'mobile device' is my Kindle.

You tell it how many calories you want to use in a day and it logs that for you, taking in what food you eat and how much you exercise. They have a blogging option. I won't blog there every day like I do here (okay, almost every day here) but I think I should do one at least once a week. This was my first one.

Hi there. My name is Lil and I'm new to MyFitnessPal. This is the first time I've ever used a fitness app and the first time I've taken an active role in documenting my food. It's scary to me, but I think it's also very necessary.

While I don't know how much I weighed for sure in January of 2012, we think it was close to 560 lbs. Years of trying to lose weight and then just giving up in despair, then not caring as an act of defiance, had gotten me to that weight. But last year, I started trying to take small steps to change things. Literally.

I started walking my driveway. I walked it once a day for a month, then twice a day. I added an extra lap to the first round after another month. Slowly I began to build strength and started doing other kinds of exercise. Physical activity isn't easy when you're my size, but it's not impossible.

In December of 2012, my doctor weighed me at 506 lbs. This is a significant change in my life, though most people don't really notice it that much. I feel so much better about things now and find I have a positive outlook on how things may change over the coming years.

In some ways, I've always functioned under the false assumption that things have to be perfect for me to lose weight. I have to eat perfectly and do perfect work outs. That isn't true. I have to eat less and move more. Over time, yes, more changes will have to be made. In the beginning though, the important thing is that you just start changing something.

Anyway, that's my new project. I feel rather positive about it. Heh.

A Blessing in Snow

I started on my cousin's baby blanket today. I should have started on it like two months ago, but that didn't happen and better late than never. This isn't a yarn I have ever worked with before, so some experiments were done to see what method would be used to make the blanket. The roomie and I discussed it for a bit. I finally decided on traditional sticks. It looks pretty good, though my gauge leaves something to be desired. Still, I managed to get it working quicker than expected. I think being around other knitters has made me a better knitter.

It snowed, sleeted, and iced today. This is so funny because it was so hot yesterday that I drove around with the window down and seriously considered washing/putting away the winter blankets. Glad I didn't do that. Maybe it's good that it's snowing though. I always feel better about starting a new knit project when it's cold as hell. It gives me more incentive.

Speaking of the snow, my SIL posted this on Facebook earlier:

Well the weather may have ruined my plans of going to Ft. Smith after work for a dr appt & running errands BUT it gave me time to have hot chocolate with my kids & snuggle up for a movie. I'll take that.
When I read this, I started thinking about how snow, despite it's inconveniences and potential dangers, can truly be a blessing in people's lives.  My SIL is a very busy woman. She works full time, raises the kids, and is having to handle aspects of her brother and father's businesses. There are days when she doesn't get home until seven or eight.

The snow day allowed her to slow down, stop doing all the errands, and just enjoy her life. Snow can shelter us from the chaos that normally happens because it covers up all that chaos, often just stopping it. Snow blankets everything in a uniform color, allowing us to just appreciate the beauty of line and form. Snow, when one does not have to be out slipping and falling in it, can be very calming, peaceful, and safe.

Of course, it would be nice if we didn't have to wait for snow days to let this happen. In life, we should have times where we just put a stop to all the running and doing and obligations. We should have time set aside that is just for us or for those we love, where nothing more happens beyond just something fun and comforting.

As frantic as I was yesterday, as frantic as I have been the last few weeks (months . . . years. . . ), I feel very good today. The snow fell in large billowy clusters, fat poofs of wetness. It was beautiful to watch. And while I know that life will resume its usual pace as soon as the snow has melted away, we've been given somewhat of a much needed break and I am so happy about that.

I was also happy when I saw the school closings, even though I no longer go to school.

Day After Thing

I wish I could say that the excitement and elation I had about solving The Thing lasted 24 hours. It did not. I'm still all raw edges about The Thing and life didn't give me any breathing time. Today, other things jumped up to set my teeth on edge. Things I can't fix. Things I can't even really solve. In most cases, I'm just going to have to wait the situation out. I hate that, but that's how it is.

I realized the other day that the 'scarf' I was working on doesn't have enough yarn to become a scarf. Today plans for what it shall become instead popped into my little brain. So at least I have that. Once I'm finished with it (or at least have it off the loom), I'll start working on my cousin's baby blanket. I'm so excited about it. I love all the yarn so much. I really think she's going to be pleased with it.

This is going to be a short post because I'm tired as hell. There are some inklings of possible proactive plans in my future. I'll tell you more about them when I'm less stressed out.

The Thing Explained

Okay, so here's the deal.

If you are someone who has debts, I am sure you know they can, under certain circumstances, be canceled. It is a PROCESS to do this. It's never easy.  There is a lot of paperwork and worry and stress. In some cases, you even get investigated. I could have been paranoid about that unmarked vehicle driving by my house at the same time every couple of days, but you never know. Anyway, at some point, you are sent a letter telling you one of two things . . . either you debt has not been canceled and the hell of late fees and calls and all that will begin again. OR they will tell you the debt is cancelled and leave it at that.

You will be happy for a while, relieved that this isn't weighing you down anymore. That is, until the next tax season rolls around. In that case, if your cancelled debt is over six hundred dollars, you will get Form 1099-C that shows you the amount of the debt and tells you that it is considered taxable income.

And . . . you will just stare at this form, in shock and disbelief. Then, as it begins to sink in, you will be consumed with fear. This fear will depend a lot on the amount of money on which they are saying you are now responsible to pay taxes. If it is almost $80, 000, you will possibly consider suicide for the first time in a while. One way or the other, this horrible feeling will begin to take over your life. And it will become The Thing.

Or at least that is how it was for me. My student loans were canceled due to my disability. Cancelled, of course, because I had no way to pay them off. Logically it would follow that if I couldn't pay the debt, I wouldn't have the money for the taxes. I was baffled and angry and probably more scared than I have been in a long while.

I stayed scared for the weekend. I made some calls and found out nothing that helped me too much. 1099-C is a recent addition to the hellish things that can be sent to you and no one was that familiar with it. This scared me more, to be honest. For a whole weekend, I just sat there in fear. As you've read in some of my recent blogs, this caused so much stress that I wasn't eating well and I almost couldn't sleep. It was bad.

Once I calmed down, I started reading what I could about this situation. I knew educating myself was the only weapon I had. There had to be a way to handle it. Turns out, there were quite a few.

First of all, IF you get a cancellation of debt form, the first thing you need to find out is if the amount they are saying has been cancelled is really the amount you borrowed. See, if you borrow $10,000, the government sees that as income. They don't tax you on it, because they know you will be paying it back. If this debt is cancelled, they view it as income.

HOWEVER, they ONLY view the amount you borrowed as income. Not the late fees. Not the overcharges. And most of the time, not the interest, though you have to really check and see about that part. So even though you may have been forgiven for the loan and all its charges, not all of that counts as something that can be taxed. I did not borrow $80,000 to go to school. It was more like $30,000. However, fees and whatnot jacked it up. If you get a 1099-C, the first thing you need to question is the amount. And from now on, any time you borrow money, make sure you keep records of how much you actually borrowed.

The second thing you can do is file for the Insolvency Exclusion. If you were insolvent just prior to the debt being cancelled, then you may not have to pay all or any of it. See, the government actually realizes that if you are too broke to pay for something, there is a good possibility that you're too broke to pay taxes on that something as well.

It works like this. Let's say you have a debt on your credit card of $6000 and it gets cancelled. Normally, you would have to pay taxes on that. However, if you owe $20,000 to various entities ($10,000 in student loans, $4000 on your car, plus that $6000 credit card) and only have $8000 in assets, then you are insolvent by $12,000 (20,000 worth of dept -8000 worth of assets). You take the amount you are insolvent and subtract that from the taxable debt income. In this case, you would owe nothing.

Sound confusing? It isn't really, but when you're dealing with money, everything is confusing. When you're dealing with tax law, it's even more so. I read over this stuff again and again. I thought I knew what it was saying, but then I'd just get confused again. Probably because I was so nervous and it was unfamiliar territory.

There is a list of assets and debts that you have to count. The list of debts is pretty obvious and all the stuff you would consider. The list of assets might surprise you. You have to include anything you could reasonably sell. Jewelry, cars, houses, household items, books, hobby equipment, even your clothes.

I don't own much. Actually, in the process of this, I realized I own very little. My computer died a few years ago and I'm borrowing one from my roommate, so I don't even own that. I have my van, books, some clothes. I talked to a local car dealer about how much the van would have been worth at the time of the cancellation. I called the bank and got the exact amount of my savings account on the day prior to the cancellation. In other words, I had a good list of my assets for doing this insolvency.

On Thursday of last week, I took my tax mess to a CPA. It was an organized collection of papers, but it was emotionally a mess. She sat with me and plugged everything in, asking me all the questions I knew she would ask. When she was finished with the insolvency and considered that against standard deductions and everything, she told me what I had suspected to be true but feared was not. Due to my lack of funds, I owed nothing.

I still had her send it in though, because I wanted documentation of this.

She wanted to have it double checked because it was a pretty complicated deal so I had to wait until today to know for sure. I worried the whole weekend that something would go wrong. I tried so hard not to be hopeful about it, because I didn't want the crushing feeling of everything going wrong.

Today I stopped by there and signed my paperwork. Everything was still as it was on Thursday and I felt like I could breath for the first time in weeks. This tension I was holding in the back of my neck melted away. I could have cried. I may still cry, to be honest. This was so damned scary.

I'm still paranoid enough to worry that the Thing will cause me problems. I'm not that worried though. I didn't lie about anything or do anything wrong. I had everything checked by a professional and I sent all paperwork in way before the deadline.

And as I wrote in a post last week, the most important thing I did was not ignore this and hope that it would just go away. I tackled it. I handled it. I faced it. Somehow, I managed to deal with it without having a heart attack or some kind of nervous breakdown. I'm a little shocked about that last part, but I'm grateful for it, as I am grateful for all of how this turned out.

Saturday Night Meh

I downloaded Sims Free Play for my Kindle. It took forever and I'm not sure if I'll be able to play it because it somewhat made me dizzy. Normally that kind of thing would be no big deal to me, but lately I've been having some migraines and I don't want to risk having another one. I might get used to it though. I did with Glitch. And look how THAT turned out.

I talked to my cousin today. Both she and baby are doing fine, though she's still in a lot of pain after the c-section. I'm glad they're fine though. Having a baby is a great joy, but there is so much potential danger in the process. Honestly, until the kid got here, I was going to be a bit on edge about it. Thankfully, everything worked out okay.

I was happy I talked to her, in fact happy I managed to talk to several people in the last couple of days. Dealing with The Thing has kept me so emotionally spent that I  really haven't had much to give to other people. I've just been one raw nerve. Stupid Thing. This needs to end soon.  Monday. One way or the other, I will have an answer on Monday.

Tomorrow I'm going to a party at my best friend's house. One of my favoritest people is going with me, which makes me even more excited about the whole thing. The party is one of those 'we're trying to sell you stuff' parties. I'm poor and not going to buy anything, but I'll go and be a warm body in attendance.

We're in this strange place with the cats. Old Man Fluffy is super old man skinny right now. Everyone else ranges from 'winter weight' to 'about six winters' worth of weight.' Some cats need on a better diet. They won't like that. I think Old Man Cat is considering eating one of them. Lots of protein AND it shuts them up.

Over all, it was a good Saturday. I'm hoping that next Saturday will find me in less fractious spirits. And by then, the whole Thing should be over and one with. Even the blog posts about it.

Renewal

Yesterday, I got a text from my brother.  He'd seen our former step-grandparents and they told him that our former stepfather had died. This is the evil dictator one we had when I was in fourth and fifth (into sixth) grade. He was a horrible person when I had to be around him. Today, my youngest cousin on my mom's side gave birth to her first child. Children are a rare event in my family and this was a cause for much celebration. I loved looking at the pictures of my cousin holding her new baby boy. The picture of my aunt holding him is one of the most beautiful images I've seen in many years.

My stepfather died two years ago, but I'm just finding out about it now. So even though he's been gone for a while, the link that my life shared with his (however unfortunate) has only recently been severed. I've not met the new baby in person, but the bond I have with him is already established through the love I have for my cousin, and the joy he is bringing to the people I care about.  One tie to my life is gone and a new one is created.

For many, many years I have held onto the anger and outrage I felt for my stepfather. I couldn't think about him without being angry. To be honest, my first reaction to him dying was relief. "Oh good. He's not around hurting other people." The thing is, the man is dead. Any anger or resentment or fear I had that connects to him some be things I let go of. They should be stones I drop out of my bucket so that I can continue on my journey. I've kept these burdens long enough. It's time to let them go.

As for the new baby, I am quite happy he is in the world. I'm happy for my cousin, who has always wanted to be a mother. I'm happy for my aunt and uncle, who love their grandchildren deeply and have suffered many loses over the last four or five years. They need more love in their lives. I wish this child every blessing and I hope his life is full and meaningful. Most of all, I hope he knows how much he is loved and wanted, because he truly, truly is.

That Dreaded Question

Pretty much any time you're given a job interview or whenever you fill out those essay portions of online dating sites (not that I've ever been on an online dating site . . .),you are always asked to describe your greatest flaw. On the surface, this request is designed to see how self-aware you are. You are asked this to see if you can give a true self-assessment. It's good in theory.

However, almost no one answers it truthfully. Good theory or not, telling perspective employers that your greatest flaw is stealing from employers isn't going to land you the job, even if it does display a great deal of self-awareness. Stating that you have the foulest farts of anyone you know isn't going to get you a date. It could be true, but you don't really get points for true.  The problem is, people say they want this kind of assessment, but they really don't.

So instead, most people frame the answer to this question in a way that makes them look like they're a great choice. "My greatest flaw is that I'm SO DEDICATED to my work." "I would say my greatest flaw is that when I'm in a relationship, I spend all of my time trying to make the person I love as happy as possible." And it's all bullshit, because neither of those things are ANYONE'S biggest flaw. However, it is part of the job-getting/relationship-getting game.

Now, right now, I'm not trying to get you to employ me and I'm not trying to become your significant other. Because of that, I think I can give some open and reflective answers to the question. What is my biggest flaw? Well, I have a lot of them. Tons, in fact. I can be quite a coward sometimes. I tend to view the world and most situations in terms of economics. I'm somehow both deeply perverted AND a prude. I can also be very smug.

However, recent events have caused me to think about the one flaw in the core levels of my personality that has most often caused me the most damage. This flaw is the fact that I tend to ignore the big problems.

When The Thing happened a few weeks ago, my first instinct was to read the letter and then pretend like I never got it. If my roommate asked me about it, I would just blow it off as if it were nothing and then ignore the problem. I would tell myself that it wasn't a big deal, it couldn't harm me, and nothing would come of it. You know, tell myself a bunch of lies that I didn't even believe as a way to avoid the problem.

In the past, I have gotten very bad about this. At one point after I has lost my job and ran out of other sources for money, I pretended like I'd paid the rent, even though I hadn't. I just . . . pretended like it had happened. I knew I needed to ask for help, because I had no other choice, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was terrified of the reality of how bad my situation had gotten. This reality was so horrifying, I just went along like it never happened.

One day when I was visiting a friend, the landlady came by and very sternly told my roommate that the rent needed to be paid. This came as a shock to him, because he assumed it had already happened. The discussion I had with him later was one of the low points of my life. I had to admit how bad things were. And it wasn't even really a matter of admitting them to him. He knew things were bad and was a real sweetheart about it. He just wanted to know why I didn't tell him. The fact is, I didn't tell him because I couldn't admit how bad things were TO MYSELF.

Over the years, I have accepted that this character flaw is part of who I am. However, I have also learned to compensate for it. When things start to go sideways, I make it a points to tell someone about it. It's important that I do this because it means that the reality isn't something I can ignore. Someone else knows, so the problem, no matter how big it is, is real. When I tell someone else, it also eases things for me, because I know that even if the problem is MY problem and my problem alone, outside of the context of that problem, I am NOT alone.

This has meant admitting a lot of things I didn't want to. It means telling someone when I am scared. It means telling someone when don't think I can't handle something. I means asking for help when I need help.

Today I went to see a professional about The Thing. I'd told my roommate I could go by myself, but it seems that my nervousness was enough for him to ask me to reconsider that decision. The more I thought about it, it seemed best that he drove me to the appointment. I'm glad he did because I was so freaked out my teeth were chattering. That could have been the cold though.

And despite my instincts to just try and pretend like The Thing wasn't a THING, I find that because I admitted to myself and to others that it was real, did research, and have actually committed to solving it, there is a light at the end of the Thing Tunnel. In fact, I should have an answer my Monday, and then I will blog about it in a more open way. I will have a solution and a plan for my big scary problem, which is far better than just having this black hole in the pit of my stomach where all fear about The Thing is sent.

So what is my most destructive flaw? I ignore the scary problems and let them fester into bigger and scarier problems. This has caused me a lot of hell over the years and because I know it is a problem (due to being marginally self-aware), I've taken steps to correct it.

And not that any perspective employer or possibly love interest will probably ever accept this, but the truth is, no matter WHAT your 'biggest flaw' happens to be, it is fine that you have it. You're human, after all.* The thing about flaws is that they're not set in stone. They can be worked around, compensated for, and even changed.  Being self-aware is great. It is a wonderful first step. The next step, altering the behavior, is fundamental to you having a less screwed up life.

No matter how things end with The Thing, I'm happy that I didn't ignore it. I'm happy that actively worked towards solving the problem. I'm glad I overcame the level of stressed out paralytic fear that threatened to sabotage the whole process. Now could I ever talk to a perspective employer about this? You know, I really wish I could. I wish there were employers out there who wanted someone who did know how to take their internal lemons and squeeze a little bit of juice out of them.

Probably not going to happen though.

*If indeed you are NOT human, I did not mean to exclude you.

Just Wow

There are a lot of things I could have wrote about today. I could have talked about the 22 male GOP members of Congress who didn't vote for helping to curb violence against women. I could have wrote about the State of the Union Address and why I never watch it. I could have wrote about North Korea being North Korea and doing crazy things. I could have even written about how annoyed I am that people are mocking Mama BooBoo for losing 100 lbs.

Instead, I'm writing about this.  This woman is suing her university because she got a C in one of her grad classes.  Because she got this C, she changed career paths and feels like they OWE HER because it will mean a loss in income. I have to say that I am absolutely shocked by this. She is suing the college for the grade that she, herself, earned. She's not repeating the class to alter her grade that way. She is SUING.

This woman went to university for free because her father worked at the college. When she would have meetings with the officials about her grade dispute, her father would come with her. Now she is telling a judge that she really hopes he sets a new standard for how grades can be disputed by awarding her over a million dollars because she got a C in class.

I think, honestly, it's best that I don't comment any more on this. I'll just let all of you mull this over.

More 3D Printing Geekery

A company in Canada is now printing cars using a 3D printer. The car has three wheels and is electric. They plan to make it an economy car, though the price is a bit difficult now, due to just the fact that 3D printing is such a new technology. They're sure it will come down soon, and have cars available for people who are strapped for cash.  The cars still have a metal chassis, but almost everything else is done via the printer.

The car thing doesn't make me as happy as the 3D printed house thing, but almost. I  hope to have both in the future. My printed out car and my printed out house. I love this idea so deeply much.

I also love the fact that 3D printers have recently printed out stem cells. The medical possibilities of this technology are huge. Imagine being able to print out a hip replacement designed specifically for you. Even if you don't want something like this inside you, so much medical equipment could be produced this way. Instead of keeping tons of extra supplies (which are always subject to being stolen or destroyed in disasters), things could be printed on an 'as needed' basis.

Though, over all, it is still the aspect of house 3D printing that appeals to me the most. You design your house to your needs, do the work you need done to the land and the rough plumbing, and then watch as the machine prints out your new home. The house would be finished 20 hours later. This is such an amazing thing.

Hee! I love this stuff.

A Dream of Spring

My weekend was nice. It's been a while since I've been able to say that, due to The Thing.  However, as I've done just about as much research as I can on the damned Thing and kind of gotten past the shock of it, I'm starting to actually function in a normal kind of way again. Well, you know, normal for me.  I'm hoping for a lot of progress this week. I want The Thing over with. At least, settled as much as it can be. I'm sick of it  hanging over my head. It needs to end. There are other things I should be doing.

My roommate wrote recently that he doesn't feel like he's accomplished much this year. I don't feel like I have either. In fact, I feel like I've only managed to keep marginally sane and research The Thing. I'm not going to be upset about that though. My roommate and I are still in mourning over Alice. You don't just lose someone you love and then just get back on with your life like everything is normal. Everything isn't normal. A loved one is gone. It takes time to adjust to this.

Though as much as I dread summer, I have to admit that I'm ready for winter to end. This was a hard winter emotionally. I think we need to be cleansed from it. I want open windows and fresh air blowing through the house. I want the winter blankets washed and put away again. I want the sky to have some other color besides gray. And, oddly enough, I would like to have sunlight past five in the evening. I just need that again because this has been too sad and too hard.

As for now, I'm going to get some sleep. I hope I have good dreams and I hope you do as well.

You Find Them Under Every Bridge

My favorite gas station in town no longer exists, but every time I drive by the abandoned building that used to house it, I always think about my encounter with the Concern Troll. I always stopped at this station to fill up my gas tank before making the almost 2 hour drive to my grad classes. As I was waiting for the tank to fill, an old woman pulled up on the other side. I didn't pay that much attention to her at first, as I was raised to mind my own business when people are busy doing things like getting gas. Clearly this wasn't the case for the old woman.

This many years later, I'm not sure of the exact words she said. It was something along the lines of, "wow, you are so fat" or "oh honey you need help" or some shit like that. I do remember the look of concern mixed with disgust on her face. I do remember her not leaving me alone, even after I told her, in so many words, to go fuck herself. In fact, even as I was leaving the gas station, she was still trying to bother me.

A Concern Troll is a person who will always take the opportunity to overstep their bounds and give their opinions about you and your situation. To you. They see you living your life, free of any attention being paid to them, and they decide they just HAVE to change that by making you aware of their existence so they can inform you that they don't approve of this unhealthy stuff you are doing. They see it as their duty and feel absolutely no remorse about how this may affect you. After all, they are trying to make your life better.

You will find Concern Trolls lurking in the comment section of any article pointing out how shitty fat people are treated. No matter how much the article discusses the horrible crap that can happen to fat people in our country, the Concern Trolls will always be there to point out 'but being fat is unhealthy and it costs the country so much money and besides it is so unattractive.' In their minds, I suppose, all of these factors justify the horrible crap that fat people have to face on a daily basis.

Of course, Concern Trolls don't JUST troll people about fatness. Any socially stigmatized issue that you can think of will have its own set of trolls lurking around to ruin people's day. They seem to have no concept of minding their own business or comprehension of bad timing.

My brother was bothered my a Concern Troll at my grandmother's funeral. My brother is a smoker and felt a lot of stress during my grandmother's death. It had only been a little over a year since our mother died and the idea of dealing with the death of another woman in his life was very difficult. During the meal after the service, he went outside to smoke. When he returned, a woman, who was a distant 3rd or 4th cousin and someone he had never met before, started talking to him about how he needed to quit smoking. Yes, in front of everyone. Yes, at his grandmother's funeral.

Did this cause my brother to stop smoking. Of course not. All it did was make his already horrible day even worse. Now his memory of my grandmother's funeral is tied up with this memory of having to pay attention to some Concern Troll in the middle of it. He didn't need that and he certainly didn't deserve it.

Concern Trolling is a very bad form of communication. If you find yourself in a situation where you are tempted to talk to some total stranger about something they are doing or happen to be that is objectionable to you . . . DO NOT DO IT. It's rude. It does not help them. It makes their day worse. It will not stop their behavior. Just mind your own business. Don't force people to pay attention to you just because you think you have some important message for them. They don't care, they don't want to know you, and you certainly won't be changing them.

Coping with The Big Problems

I didn't blog last night because of The Thing. I was doing research on The Thing and got caught up in that. However, the information I found out was good and helpful. Honestly, that has been somewhat scarce in  this process. It was nice to have it go my way for a change.

As badly as The Thing has been on my general state of sanity and well being (such as it is), I am very grateful for the problem solving skills I've developed over the years. Even though this has been quite overwhelming, I've managed to use what I have to get through it. Well, you know, as much as I can. It's not over yet, but we're getting closer.

Okay, so here are some tips for when you get hit with some huge scary problem.

1. ALLOW YOURSELF SOME TIME TO PANIC. This isn't always possible. In some situations, you have to respond within second and your time frame for panic is very limited.  However, if you have time on your side, let yourself freak out.  I found out about The Thing on a Saturday. As hard as that was, my roommate remarked later that it was good because it gave me the whole weekend to just be emotional about it. I needed that, or rather, I needed to get that out of my system so I could focus.

2. DO NOT ACCEPT THAT THERE IS NO WAY OUT UNTIL YOU HAVE EXHAUSTED THE POSSIBILITIES.  When a bad thing happens, quite often we assume there is no way out of it. It's part of the panic and despair. And, okay, somethings, there really isn't a way out of it. However, do not accept that until you are 100% certain of it.

3. RESEARCH AND ASK QUESTIONS. Yes, I know, this seems very basic. The thing is, when something bad happens, quite often we don't find out enough about it for ourselves. There is an emotional component to this, because it's scary to know for sure. It's difficult to even make yourself face the research because it makes you face the situation. That isn't something you want to do when the situation is bad. However, it is the major thing you have to do.

4. TACKLE THE PROBLEM AS YOU CAN. I've been researching this for a couple of weeks now. When I first began, the scope of all the stuff involved in dealing with The Thing was vast. There is so much information about it, so many rules, so many exceptions, and so many little details. At first, my brain would just go fuzzy when I'd try to read about it. After a while, I promised myself I would just  look up one aspect at a time. I would focus on one detail, process it, and then, and ONLY then, move on to the next detail. That has made things easier. This is all foreign territory to me. It's like trying to learn a whole new language.

5. MANAGE YOUR TIME. The Thing has a time limit on it. There is a certain date by which it has to be handled. The date is a couple of months off, which has good and bad points. On one hand, it gives me time to do all of the stuff above. I CAN research. I CAN ask questions. I CAN tackle things as I am able. On the other hand, it makes it tempting to procrastinate. I have time. It doesn't have to be done tomorrow. And emotionally, I do NOT want to deal with it. Because I know part of me feels this way, I'm being very aware of how I spend my time. I have set down rules about how things must be handled (if at all possible) and keep reminding myself of my personal deadline.

6. DON'T LET IT CONSUME YOU. This is the hardest part. For the first week, I had so much trouble sleeping. I had so much trouble functioning. When I would sleep, I would wake up in the middle of the night and just freak out all over again. Even now, when I'm not talking to someone else, my mind is on The Thing. I have to keep talking myself down from panic.

The best way I have found to keep from staying in a constant state of panic is to calmly remind myself of what I have found out. I sooth myself with details of my plan. And then I remind myself that there is only so much I can do. This doesn't always work, but even when it helps just a little bit, it's better than nothing.

On Monday I go to pick up some more information about The Thing. Past that, it's worksheets and then probably some professional assistance. Once that happens, for better or worse, The Thing will be over. I have to admit, I am really looking forward to that.

One Less Day

So the US Postal Service is wanting to end mail delivery on Saturdays. They'll still deliver packages and the post office will still be open, but no mail carriers will be bringing mail to our homes. Congress hasn't exactly approved this yet, but it's probably going to happen. Sigh.

You know, I'm not a conspiracy theorist and I'm not really trying to be one right now, but I have to admit that the idea of this fills me with a bit of trepidation.  The long standing institutions of this nation, like news papers and the USPS, are starting to lose ground and fade away. I love technology and am quite happy with its advancements, but it strikes me as disconcerting that our core and fundamental methods of communication are beginning to fade.

Sure, this is just one less day of mail coming to your house. What if it's not enough? What if the USPS decides to stop delivering on Wednesdays too? What if more and more people begin to opt for online mailing services and eventually we just lose the USPS completely? Yes, yes, I know I'm slippery sloping the situation, but I have to admit, it bothers me. We've already all but lost print media. Now we're limiting our capacity for physical mail service.

I love technology. You know I do. I blog almost every day, so really, the vast majority of my writing and musings exist only in cyberspace. There are no physical copy backups. We lose this technology, my writing is gone. My writing is ONE thing, but what happens when we have almost everything online and the physical copies are harder and harder to locate?

There is something very important in the physicality of knowledge. There is something wonderful about holding a book, something more serious about receiving a bill, something more secure in having a check in your hand. We're losing this, more and more. Every day, the physical security of our documents are slipping out of our grasp. I really do not like that.

Devil in the Details

Due to the issues of me being me, I missed my 666 post. I wanted to write something about the Devil when it rolled around. I had it all planned out and everything. Of course, I got sidetracked and missed my chance. Damn. I would write it now, but I'm on lost 672 or something. The moment has passed. Sorry.

I was probably too distracted by The Thing to remember to write the 666 post. Uggh, The Thing has SO taken over my thoughts. I will be so happy when The Thing is over with. Hopefully that will happen either later in this week or the beginning of next week. I'm still trying to find a viable way to handle it between then and now.

Speaking of The Thing . . . and, actually, of the Devil . . . I learned today how the old saying "the Devil is in the details" is certainly true. There was a part of The Thing that concerned me that turned out not to be as bad I as assumed it was going to be. The way to solve this part of The Thing was actually on the back side of one of my papers. Of course, it was in a place I never would have considered looking.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to find a way to calm down whenever you have a crisis. While you panic, while you are emotional, you can miss so many details, so much information. The best way to solve a crisis is to go into it with as much information as possible. You have to know your options. There is no way to know your options when you're freaking out. Your mind just won't accept them.

I realized today that the part of me that is still panicking about The Thing is doing me far more harm than good. I have to find a way to situate my mind and calm down. If I don't, I may end up missing a lot of details about how to solve The Thing. Trust me, I need all the help I can get.

Requiem for the Dream

Gawker is running a series where they allow people who are or have been unemployed during this economic downturn talk about their experiences. As you can imagine, the stories are often depressing, sometimes frightening, and very often filled with desperation. The quality of the writing varies, but to me, that is not really the point. These stories are about the current American struggle, one that I think could potentially alter the way we think and how we live our lives.

The American Dream is something we grew up believing. Go to school, obey the rules, get into college, get a degree, and then find a good job. Work hard and stay loyal, be smart so you can have what you want in live. Do all of this, and you can be secure and happy. Do all of this, and everything will work out okay for you.  We were taught to believe that this path was open to everyone. Education and hard work would get you where you needed to go in life.

What bothers me about the Gawker stories is that one message is coming loud and clear. The belief in that dream is dying. There are people out there who did all of the steps, who obeyed all the rules, who followed all the plans . . . who are now struggling to even find where their next meal is coming from. There are people who feel like they are invisible, lost, and without meaning. There are people who have worked for many years who lost their jobs when the companies went out, and now are trying to find someone to hire them when they are 40, 50, 60. Loyalty and hard work mean nothing when the people at the top can't keep things together.

The Great Depression was horrible, but the path out of it was found. By the 1950s, there was a sense that America was on her feet again. People were finding prosperity again.  There was hope. Right now, I'm not sure where that hope is going to come from, or if it can even return. I think for a lot of people, the perception of the American Dream has died. The concept of how to find success in this country has forever changed.

I know that  this can be seen as a scary thing, but it really doesn't have to be. When one dream dies, especially when it dies because reality showed up and beat it to death, there is always another dream that can take its place. This is a time when new priorities can be found, a time when a new identity can be created. This is the time when goals for a more practical and simple life can be set into motion. This is when we can change things around.

One time when my grandmother was talking about growing up during the Great Depression, she remarked that she never knew she was poor. Even though her family lost their farm and everyone was struggling, she didn't understand that there could be another way of life. I think it's important to keep in mind that while we have less than others, we can still have a rich life. Even though we were sold on the idea that our security and happiness were tied into how much money we had, it doesn't mean that is the only way. And yes, even as I type that, I know it's hard to contemplate, especially when rent is due and you don't have the cash to pay it.  But right now, altering the perception is all we can do.

Revival

I believe in kingdom come where all the colors will bleed into one.
                                                     ~"I still haven't found what I'm Looking for" U2

My sister-in-law bought me Skullcandy headphones for Christmas and they are wonderful. They're so good that I've been spending time listening to all my old music again, just to hear the powerful difference they make. And trust me, they DO make a difference.

This has been a very interesting experience for me, because in a lot of cases, it is music I've really not listened to for a long time. Do I still love it? Yes, of course. The thing is, I'm almost 40 years old and that is a long time to have favorite songs. There are things I listened to obsessively for a while, but then set aside so I could obsess about new things. That didn't change my love for them. It just wasn't as immediate.

The thing is, listening to this music again is very much a revival for me. I'm not only hearing all the amazing little details due to the Skullcandy, but I'm also getting to hold myself in the moments that first lead me to these albums in the first place. I'm getting to relive all the times I drove around with my BFF, singing at the top of my lungs, quite often altering the lyrics for our amusement.

I'm also getting to remember my mom. That's more the case right now, because I've been listening to U2 music. U2 was my mother's favorite band. I still remember the day she first heard The Joshua Tree. She'd been out at the lake with some friends. One of them had just bought the cassette and Mom got to hear it while they were boating. I remember when she came to get me, she just had this amazed look on her face.  All the way home, she talked about the album, how different it was from the last ones, yet at the same time, it was what it needed to be. It was the album the band needed to make and the album she needed to hear.

When I first heard it, it was under the influence of her joy. My mother was a dark person, drunk, depressed, and often devoid of all happiness. When she found something that took her out of that dark place, she held onto it like a little kid clinging to its only toy. She knew that the happiness would be fragile and fleeting. It was something to be cherished. I think it was her only truly pure religious experience.

She was 34 at the time and had put herself and us through a lot of stuff.  I could stay so angry with her. I could be so frustrated with her frantic energy. Music though, was the one place where we really connected. For both of us, it was a place of purity, the place where we understood and appreciated each other.  It was the place where I really loved her and I would like to think she really loved me.

Friday Night Catchups.

I have to say that ever since I used the blog to acknowledge the issue I'm going through, I've actually been sleeping better. I'm not sure if it was just the physical act of putting my fears down on the intertubes or just finally succumbing to exhaustion. Either way, sleep has returned to me. I'm thankful for that. The issue still isn't resolved, but I have some better ideas about it. Trust me, once it is handled, there will be a full blog post about this because I don't want any of you going through this situation.

Recently, a research group in Finland found that married people suffer less heart attacks and are more likely to live through the ones they do have. It seems single people die more often from heart attacks and have more in general. I'm curious if the same holds true for people who aren't married, but share a home with others. I bet it would, because my guess (and really, the guess of the researchers) is that people with a stronger social circle are more likely to get timely medical attention if something goes wrong. I doubt that the mere fact of being married alters all that much about your heart. If anything, it seems that the stress of marriage would contribute to heart disease.

Old Man Cat is still teetering a long. He spends most of the day staying pretty close to my roommate. This isn't surprising. My roommate has been in the cat's life since he was a kitten and he probably feels the most secure when he's near him. Old age is somewhat of a scary situation for Fluffy, especially when he snags his claws on stuff. I'm trying not to think too much about the situation, because it makes me cry. Old age isn't something we can avoid though.

Between my Thing and my roommate's Thing, life has been pretty stressful for us the last couple of weeks. We're both ready for the Things to be resolved so that we can move on with our lives. I feel like I'm in limbo right now and will be until the Thing is handled and I know it's been handled without unexpected consequences.

I'm going to end this post and get some sleep. I hope everyone has a comfortable, quiet weekend.