Pretty much any time you're given a job interview or whenever you fill out those essay portions of online dating sites (not that I've ever been on an online dating site . . .),you are always asked to describe your greatest flaw. On the surface, this request is designed to see how self-aware you are. You are asked this to see if you can give a true self-assessment. It's good in theory.
However, almost no one answers it truthfully. Good theory or not, telling perspective employers that your greatest flaw is stealing from employers isn't going to land you the job, even if it does display a great deal of self-awareness. Stating that you have the foulest farts of anyone you know isn't going to get you a date. It could be true, but you don't really get points for true. The problem is, people say they want this kind of assessment, but they really don't.
So instead, most people frame the answer to this question in a way that makes them look like they're a great choice. "My greatest flaw is that I'm SO DEDICATED to my work." "I would say my greatest flaw is that when I'm in a relationship, I spend all of my time trying to make the person I love as happy as possible." And it's all bullshit, because neither of those things are ANYONE'S biggest flaw. However, it is part of the job-getting/relationship-getting game.
Now, right now, I'm not trying to get you to employ me and I'm not trying to become your significant other. Because of that, I think I can give some open and reflective answers to the question. What is my biggest flaw? Well, I have a lot of them. Tons, in fact. I can be quite a coward sometimes. I tend to view the world and most situations in terms of economics. I'm somehow both deeply perverted AND a prude. I can also be very smug.
However, recent events have caused me to think about the one flaw in the core levels of my personality that has most often caused me the most damage. This flaw is the fact that I tend to ignore the big problems.
When The Thing happened a few weeks ago, my first instinct was to read the letter and then pretend like I never got it. If my roommate asked me about it, I would just blow it off as if it were nothing and then ignore the problem. I would tell myself that it wasn't a big deal, it couldn't harm me, and nothing would come of it. You know, tell myself a bunch of lies that I didn't even believe as a way to avoid the problem.
In the past, I have gotten very bad about this. At one point after I has lost my job and ran out of other sources for money, I pretended like I'd paid the rent, even though I hadn't. I just . . . pretended like it had happened. I knew I needed to ask for help, because I had no other choice, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was terrified of the reality of how bad my situation had gotten. This reality was so horrifying, I just went along like it never happened.
One day when I was visiting a friend, the landlady came by and very sternly told my roommate that the rent needed to be paid. This came as a shock to him, because he assumed it had already happened. The discussion I had with him later was one of the low points of my life. I had to admit how bad things were. And it wasn't even really a matter of admitting them to him. He knew things were bad and was a real sweetheart about it. He just wanted to know why I didn't tell him. The fact is, I didn't tell him because I couldn't admit how bad things were TO MYSELF.
Over the years, I have accepted that this character flaw is part of who I am. However, I have also learned to compensate for it. When things start to go sideways, I make it a points to tell someone about it. It's important that I do this because it means that the reality isn't something I can ignore. Someone else knows, so the problem, no matter how big it is, is real. When I tell someone else, it also eases things for me, because I know that even if the problem is MY problem and my problem alone, outside of the context of that problem, I am NOT alone.
This has meant admitting a lot of things I didn't want to. It means telling someone when I am scared. It means telling someone when don't think I can't handle something. I means asking for help when I need help.
Today I went to see a professional about The Thing. I'd told my roommate I could go by myself, but it seems that my nervousness was enough for him to ask me to reconsider that decision. The more I thought about it, it seemed best that he drove me to the appointment. I'm glad he did because I was so freaked out my teeth were chattering. That could have been the cold though.
And despite my instincts to just try and pretend like The Thing wasn't a THING, I find that because I admitted to myself and to others that it was real, did research, and have actually committed to solving it, there is a light at the end of the Thing Tunnel. In fact, I should have an answer my Monday, and then I will blog about it in a more open way. I will have a solution and a plan for my big scary problem, which is far better than just having this black hole in the pit of my stomach where all fear about The Thing is sent.
So what is my most destructive flaw? I ignore the scary problems and let them fester into bigger and scarier problems. This has caused me a lot of hell over the years and because I know it is a problem (due to being marginally self-aware), I've taken steps to correct it.
And not that any perspective employer or possibly love interest will probably ever accept this, but the truth is, no matter WHAT your 'biggest flaw' happens to be, it is fine that you have it. You're human, after all.* The thing about flaws is that they're not set in stone. They can be worked around, compensated for, and even changed. Being self-aware is great. It is a wonderful first step. The next step, altering the behavior, is fundamental to you having a less screwed up life.
No matter how things end with The Thing, I'm happy that I didn't ignore it. I'm happy that actively worked towards solving the problem. I'm glad I overcame the level of stressed out paralytic fear that threatened to sabotage the whole process. Now could I ever talk to a perspective employer about this? You know, I really wish I could. I wish there were employers out there who wanted someone who did know how to take their internal lemons and squeeze a little bit of juice out of them.
Probably not going to happen though.
*If indeed you are NOT human, I did not mean to exclude you.
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