The Orange Cat

When you put food out for stray animals, you never know what kind of animals will show up. Putting food out opens you up to stories and connections with the world around you. Sometimes these stories are fun and amusing. Other times, they are sad.

Recently, the cats who have been eating the food haven't been the kind you can touch. One of them (who is twitchy so we call him Meth Kitty) will let my roommate touch him on occasion. The other two, a black one and an orange one, wouldn't. They hang around, but they won't allow any touching.

Today, my roommate say the orange one sleeping in the street. He tried to get his attention, but the cat seemed to be ignoring him. He then went out to check on him, and realized the orange cat was dead. He moved him off the street and called the city to pick him up. We didn't know what else to do. Our yard isn't easy to dig in. Having the body taken was the best solution.

He was only with us a bit. He didn't even get a proper name. Orange Kitty. Psycho Kitty. We might have had a chance to make a bigger connection with him, but he was killed.

I feel awful about this. Poor cat. I realize this is the life of a stray, but with time, maybe we could have given him more than that.

Goodbye, Orange Cat. You will be missed and remembered. You were a part of my life.

Solo Happiness

Today is my dad's birthday and, as always, I called to wish him happy birthday. And, as always, he didn't answer. This is a tradition for him. My dad lets all of his birthday wishes go his answering machine and then whenever he feels down, he plays them. He'll do this for quite a long time.

I think sometimes people's harmless ways of finding happiness get dismissed by others. I hear people complain about other people's hobbies or the music they like. I have to admit, I used to be guilty of this as well. As I've gotten older, I find that if someone finds happiness in something harmless, this is a thing that should be celebrated. It's actually kind of beautiful that we can do that.

I think it's important to teach people the value of finding happiness in small things. Often we base too much of our happiness in other people. We shouldn't. Happiness is one of the ways where it's most easy to be independent.

Hmm. Actually, I bet the fact that happiness can be found independently is one of the reasons why so many people try it shut it down when others do just that. There are a lot of people who don't want other humans to be independent. They don't want us to celebrate the self and find comfort in our own minds.

I encourage you to seek out happiness that doesn't involve anyone else. I think the more of that you find, the more stable of a person you can become.

Couch Wars

One of my cats has decided she has to sit under the blanket that covers the back of the couch. This is pretty counter productive because the blanket is there to keep the cat from puking on the couch or clawing it to death. She's old though, so we're letting her do it.

By 'we' I mean my roommate and I. Her sister doesn't really agree she should be allowed to sit under blankets and is trying everything she can to keep her from doing it. Why? I really have no idea. Maybe it's because she can't stand it when her sister is doing something and she's not. Maybe it's because she seeks her sister's attention. Maybe it's because she doesn't like lumps that move around. It could actually be all of these or just the simple fact that she's a cat.

Whatever the case, when her sister is under the blanket, she'll go over to it and bother her. She'll either sit on top of her sister or lean next to her. Usually she'll fall asleep, but sometimes she'll just stubbornly stand there, doing her best to make her sister uncomfortable.

For a while, the kitty under the blanket tried to ignore her. There is only so much ignoring one can do.  Now whenever her sister gets up there, she'll bide her time for her sister to get comfortable, and then she'll launch up really quickly and try to knock her off the couch. It becomes this odd, and very entertaining little war.

The thing about any kind of cat situation is that it never lasts. Cats are fickle. They usually only stay in one area for a while. The couch war won't last for long. However, I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can.

Religions in Indiana

So Indiana passed some laws that they believe will protect everyone's religion from . . . you know, all the stuff the religious people feel they need protecting from. Normally, I would be totally against this, but this bill is so open-ended that it could have some very fun consequences. In fact, I think the state will soon find that it has some new religions going on.

For instance, I bet a lot of restaurants will soon be part of a new sect that does not allow children under the age of 12 to be seen. They'll find some verses about it. There are always verses to be found. The important thing will be that no children under 12 will be allowed to eat in any establishment they own. No questions. Gay people will be welcome there, but not children. In some cases, this may even extend all the way up to children under the age of 21.

I think this religion may extend way past restaurants after a while. Many grocery stores will soon become followers as well. Parents can shop there, but their children have to stay at home, out of respect for the religion. Movie theaters will have to designate days when children aren't allowed, just to insure that people don't have to see them.

I bet those places would make a fortune. Think about it. Going places without hearing the whining, screaming, crying, and complaining of children. Just quiet, happy adult energy. It would be awesome, wouldn't it? Even for people who have kids, this would be awesome. You'd have LEGAL REASONS not to let your kids go with you. How great is that?

Of course, we know this won't happen. People aren't going to start religions to ban children just because they allow the shit out of everyone. They won't do this because we know it's wrong and kids are just part of life and we have to deal with them. Was that my completely NOT subtle comment on the law in Indiana? YES. It was.

Just because people offend you, if they're not causing you harm or damage, you really have no right to tell them to go away. They're part of life. Maybe not a part you like, but they're still here. Get over it.

Kitschy Comforts

I think I may be hitting some new phase of midlife crisis. Recently, to comfort myself, I've started to look at pictures from the 70s. When I'm anxious or depressed, I'll Google images of kitschy 1970s stuff and look for things my mom or grandma owned. I'll think about it and get a little less sad.

Mind you, this doesn't mean I want that stuff in my house. I do not. I still think it's tacky and fugly. However, it does hearken back to the time of my life when I still had a measure of innocence and hope for the future. Even when things were bad, I still felt there was some security.  Because I was just a little kid, I still believed the world was far more good than it truly was. That illusion was shattered rather quickly, but for a small time, it was there.

Case in point. When I was really little, there was an item that many women carried that I saw as the mark of sophisticated womanhood. This item happened to be the cigarette cases that my mom and her friends would carry. For those of you who don't know what these are, it was somewhat like a coin purse, only big enough to hold a pack of smokes. It usually had a pocket for your lighter. Some of them were plain, but others were adorably decorated. To my little girl mind, nothing said 'well accessorized' like a cigarette case.

When I would play Grownup, I would always have a job, a couple of baby dolls who were my kids, a pretend husband (who looked like Mark from G-Force), and my various dress up items, including one of my mom's discarded cigarette cases. It was green. And see, to me, smoking wasn't an Unhealthy Thing. It was a Bad Thing because my grandmother didn't approve of it, but she didn't approve of a lot of things.

Of course, these days, you rarely see women with cigarette cases. Smoking isn't as common as it used to be, and even when people do smoke, it's less socially acceptable. People tend not to set their gear out in front of others.

This is an interesting thing though. Even though I felt that way as a kid, I didn't become a smoker as an adult. I experimented from time to time, as I've written about before, but it never became a day to day part of my life. The things of childhood may leave an impression, but often not the one we would expect. Sometimes it just gives us comfort.

Spring Is Here

Today was the first day we were really able to keep the doors and windows open. It was very nice, at least for a while. Then, it started to rain. We didn't get the big storms (at least not at the point I'm writing this), but they hit in other parts of the state. I feel for the people there. Tornado season is never fun.

We got a lot of wind. My roommate had to chase a trashcan lid down the road. We thought about using bungee cords, but we've somehow misplaced our collection of them. We looked in every logical place they could be. It seems they are in some illogical place we've not thought of yet.

Anyway, the sky is full of lightening and we may lose power. I should finish this post and hope for the best.

Better vs Bitter

One of the things I see quite often when it comes to the success (or even social acceptance) of women is that they have to be better than men. They need to work harder. They need to go out of their way to get along with people. They need to ignore slights, ignore insults, ignore threats, and just keep a cool head no matter what the situation. Women need to try harder in the work force, in the world. Women need to look good and smell good and be pleasing to those around them.

What is often left out about this, however, is that even if you ARE better than the men around you, that doesn't really mean it will help you. It doesn't mean you'll be liked (sometimes it means you'll be hated more) and it doesn't mean you'll get the promotions or acknowledgement. If you try your hardest to look pretty or be pleasing to others, it doesn't mean you'll be treated better. If you display your talents and do everything you can to make your art, it doesn't mean you'll be respected. In fact, the shitty punchline at the end of 'doing better' is that often people accuse you of 'trying too hard.'

I've been seeing a lot of articles lately about how people don't trust women. My roommate and I talked about it and my response was 'whatever, I don't trust men.' And I don't. I know I have issues with men. I'm working on them, but you know, slowly and at my own pace because it's for my own edification and not for anyone else's.

Men don't trust women. Hell, women don't trust women. It sucks, yes. It most especially sucks when people don't take you seriously about your medical issues or whether or not someone is sexually harassing you at work. It's frustrating when you have to collect tons of proof before anyone will see your point. Sometimes, even if the other person in question is a child.

I don't know. Sometimes I believe the answer is the opposite of 'doing better.' Maybe the answer to happiness is just to let people know up front that you WILL be an unreliable, untrustworthy, lazy, selfish bitch. If they hang around, it's clearly because you have value in other ways, in other aspects of who you are. This means that despite the fact that you don't fit the 'good girl' or 'respectable woman' mold, you still have value as a person.

Am I an unreliable, selfish bitch? Oh god yes. I will never pretend NOT to be. Not from now on. Not when being seen as otherwise is so often used against me. Not when there isn't one damned thing I could do to prove it to some people other than to jump through hoop after hoop after hoop. I don't like jumping and I don't like hoops. If you want to be around me, be around me. If not, there is every direction in the world away from me.

People stay though, because they know there is more to me (to any woman, to any person) than the sum of how well they fit the mold. Staying is their option. I'll never beg or go out of my way to prevent them from leaving. And neither should you. Never beg someone to stay with you. Never alter who you are or what you do with your life to keep someone there, even if the stuff you're doing is destructive. If you want to change, change for you. After all, at the end of the day, you are the one person who never walks away.

Spoilers

In a recent interview (that I watched, because I'm obsessed), the showrunners of Game of Thrones admitted they had no choice but to push ahead in the story, even past where the books are. In all likelihood, they will tell the end of the story before the books do. Given that it takes GRRM at least five years to write each book, I think they're quite right about this.

A lot of people were upset. They don't want to find out what happens from the show. They want to read how the story unfolds and have a better understanding of how that happens. I have to say, I'm not one of these people. To me, the show is the show and the books are the books. Even if we know how things will end on the show, that doesn't mean the books will follow the same path. Yes, the same players may end up in the same positions, but then again, they may not.

Then again, from my perspective, the show and the books are alternate universes from each other. Yes, some of the same people exist there, but they exist in different ways and will take different paths. I'm pretty open to what those paths might be.

In a way, this is actually a relief to me. I've invested a lot of obsession into this story. I'd like to see it finished in one way or the other. I'd rather see it finished in BOTH ways, but I'll be happy with at least one.

Distance

As I grow older, I find that one of the hardest things I can do is watch people become so dogmatic about their beliefs that they begin to lose contact with those around them. I've seen this again and again, actually. Someone will be rather moderate, in one direction or the other, and then slowly begin to move towards an extreme view. As they do this, they stop being open to other ideas. And as this openness stops, they also cease contact with anyone in their lives who sees the world differently. They do this even if it is someone they loved.

I'm starting to believe that self-identity politics is the most evil force in our world. People are allowing abstractions to justify why they are rude to others, why they hate others, and even why they are willing to kill others. Abstractions. Things that are not truly tangible rule their lives. And all the while, the things that are tangible, like other people, are just cast aside. It's sick. And it's very sad.

Our philosophies are interesting, but we can't hold them in our hands. So why is it that we let them outweigh the reality around us? When someone gets married and you claim to care about that person, how could you allow your abstract notions to be more important than sharing in the joy of that marriage?

When you notice that someone on your Facebook page "likes" an article that you disagree with, why would that disagreement be reason enough for you to distance yourself from this person? The person is real. The philosophy addressed in the article is up for debate. Given that one side might be wrong and that side may be yours, why would you value that more than the actual person?

The things we hold in our hands are the only things we know to be real. This is the truth. We may wish to put a lot of faith in the abstractions, but that does not give then weight or substance.

Poor People Food

There is this person on my friends' list who is always posting about poor people and welfare. I always find this funny because she's on disability and probably gets some marginal level of foodstamps because of it. Usually people who are on disability do get some.  Anyway, today she posted this thing about how one state wants to ban people on foodstamps from getting items that they consider snack food. She thought this was just a great idea. I don't.

For one thing, people who are poor have very little outlets when it comes to enjoyment and pleasure. They can't afford to go see movies. They can rarely buy books or take trips. Food is really about the only enjoyment they can get. A candy bar on one day or the other. A bad of chips. Some coffee. It's not much, but a small bit of pleasure can be the difference between having no hope and having lots of hope.

Second of all, usually poor people aren't buying the expensive junk food just to eat right then. Quite often, the recipes used by poor people involve such items as ingredients. For instance, you can take a couple of chicken thighs and.......have one meal off of them. Or you can take the meat off the bone, pull it, and cook that up with a bag of corn chips, some cream of chicken soup, and cheese. Now you have a casserole that will feed several people for at least a couple of meals.

Now, you could do that casserole with potatoes too, perhaps. But that takes more time. And time is always a factor when poor people are cooking.  Even though no one likes to think about this, many people who are poor and receive foodstamps are working. Often, they work more than one job. This doesn't leave a lot of time for major food prep. The quicker you can get something thrown together, the better an option it is.

It seems like when people think about the poor, they view them from the perspective of these being people who have the same resources that they do. They think the poor have access to lots of things they can enjoy, the education and resources to make great healthy meals, and the time to do so. This just simply isn't the case.

On a deeper level, I believe the poor have become a scapegoat for others. It's so much easier to look at someone else and blame them for your own misery.  'Oh if the poor people would just do this.' 'Oh, if the rich people would just do this.' 'Oh, if my spouse would just do this.' Stop it. The poor people have been dealt cards just like everyone else. Don't get angry when they play them well. It is your responsibility to play your own cards and take care of your own happiness. Stop paying so much attention to everyone else and just focus on what you can do to improve your own life. And yes, that goes for me too.

Side Eyes at Politicians

I think this article is disgusting. Well, not the article itself, but what the article is about. Some 4th graders in New Hampshire put a bill before the state senate to have a bird named as the state raptor. The bill didn't pass. Okay, fine. If they didn't want the bill to pass, there still could have been a teachable moment there. The Senators could have told the kids WHY the bill wasn't going to pass and explained it in reasonable, respectable terms. Instead, they were mocked and ridiculed by the people who were supposed to represent them.

One senator, who was clearly so obsessed with 'them abortions' couldn't get passed the fact that the bird killed with its talons (as a raptor is wont to do) and said that the bird would be better as a representative for Planned Parenthood. Really? REALLY? You bastards object to teaching sex ed in school but you think it's perfectly okay to bring up Planned Parenthood and allude to abortion in front of 4th graders who were just innocently trying to get a bill passed to name a state raptor? What the hell is wrong with you?

No matter what the party affiliation is, I am getting very sick of the lack of decorum and respect our 'leaders' are showing these days. Call me old-fashioned, but it used to be that those who represented 'the people' were held to a high standard of manners and decency.  Honestly, when politicians act like rude ninnies,  they should be fired. There is no reason at all in the world for them to be assholes to children who are trying to learn something.

All this did was make these kids fill disenfranchised at an even earlier age.

Distractions

I'm really scared of the next few months. We're heading into the time of year when I found out I had cancer and I'm terrified. I have a doctor's appointment in Tulsa next month and I'm terrified. I have no reason to expect things to be bad, but I just am not sure how to cope with Spring. Last Spring was just so scary for me. There were so many nights when I couldn't sleep at all. There were times when I was pretty sure I was going to die.

As usual, I try to cope by just distracting myself. I've been watching Archer. I got out of the loop of the show a few seasons ago, but I'm getting back into it. Once I finish this, I need to catch up with Night Vale and then finish Sons of Anarchy.

See? Distraction. It will get me through Spring.

The Slow Breaks

There are a lot of crappy things about being poor, but one of them is how the little things that get neglected can become these occasional (to constant) annoyances in your life. You wear shoes until they are absolutely falling apart, which means that for a while, you wear crappy shoes that are in the process of falling apart. It's not bad enough to justify buying new shows, but it's also not fun.

Actually, in most cases, this is usually what happens. Something starts the process of falling apart of malfunctioning, but it doesn't just outright break. When you're poor (and trying to be frugal), you tend not to fix something until it's totally broken.

The heating/cooling system in  the van is a good example of this. The AC works OKAY. It doesn't cool well, but it cools just enough to take the edge off of the hellish heat we get during the summer. Except, of course, when it's REALLY hot. Then it doesn't do much of anything. However, because it works most of the time, we really can't justify getting it fixed.

I'm not sure if the heater's issue is the heater itself or just a problem with the vents. When it's time to switch everything to heat, the driver's side heats up really well. The passenger's side blows cold air for a while. This while always varies. Sometimes it only does it for a day or two. Sometimes, it's a few weeks. Finally, however, the vents on the passenger's side accept that they're supposed to be shooting out WARM air now and start doing just that. In the mean time, sitting on that side is not fun.

It's also not fun as the weather starts to heat up. During this time of year, we jump from freezing weather to pretty darn warm weather. And while those warm days would be easier if we could switch the air back to cooling, we really can't until we are certain no more cold days will be happening. The vent thing starts up again if you switch the car to cooling, meaning until we're sure we won't have frigid days, you just have to suffer with no cool air.

And yes, this is annoying, but like I said, it's not completely broken, so we really can't get it fixed. It has a work around, albeit, not a fun one, but still. We manage.

However, days like this make that management a little difficult.

Possible New Project

I haven't really been that inspired to make anything of late, but today, that changed. I found some crochet patterns that I liked quite a lot. In fact, they're rather beautiful. I'm thinking I'm skilled enough to do them. I may need to review a few things, but for the most part, I think these are things I can certainly do.

As you know, it's been a while since I've felt all that creative. However, I'm rather excited about this. If I can learn to make these well, I will have a pretty decent gift for people because these are awesome. It could really be a nice skill for me to have.

Of course, I am aware it may take me quite a few tries to really make it work. It will be fun to challenge myself with this.

A Good Sunday

I had gotten to where I was avoiding most of the Game of Thrones Forums, because they'd mostly gotten stupid. It was complaints about characters (usually the female characters) and theories that only made sense in the minds of spoiled children Look at me not judgin!

Anyway, much to my delight, the last few weeks have been far better. People are posting very complex analysis of things that make a lot of sense and seem plausible. It's made me very happy to look at the books from this perspective. And we all know how much I loves me some book analysis. I've been a happy ball of joy about this for a few days now.

This has been good because the depression is trying to come back. Whenever it does, I've been pushing my thoughts back into the book analysis so I can think about that instead. I won't say it works EVERY TIME I try it, but it works some of the time. I'm in this place where I feel that SOME of nothing is better than nothing of nothing, so I'll take this.

Anyway, when I get finished with this post, I found a new article about it to read. HEE! This is so awesome.

Rule 19

Rule 19 of the Rules of the Internet states that the more you hate something, the stronger it gets. I think this is something most people need to know. I think it's something we need to always keep in mind when we find ourselves indulging in hours on hours of negativity directed towards others.

For instance, I saw the title of an article that someone posted today about how the atheists are fearful or mad or something about more people coming to religion. I was like, whatwhat? Really? As a rule, while atheists don't like religion and wish people would see the folly of joining them, I don't think they spend their time being butthurt over people joining them. What is the point of being free from religion if you're just going to obsess about it?

In terms of communicating about the things that you want to have other people listen to, I think it's important to remember what you're really empowering with your words, posts, and time. After all, the more you talk about something, the more people are aware of it. And if you come off as fearful, angry, or crazy, the less inclined they will be to see your side of things.

So when you post about things, especially if you post about them a lot, are you doing so in a reasonable manner? Are your arguments sound and logical? Or are they laden with emotion? Do they pit one side against the other, with one side CLEARLY being wrong and the other side CLEARLY being right?

Hatred is a strong emotion. It isn't one we should just fall into. Hating something takes a lot of time and whether we notice or not, it takes a lot of energy and commitment. These are finite aspects of us that could be used in better ways.

Grey Rage

So I spent the day actively trying not to judge myself, others, or situations. I tried to do the Radical Acceptance thing and just let things flow along. How well did I do? How well do you think?

I think the best example of how well I did DOT do happened when I was driving home. It was raining. The rain was grey and heavy. The streets were grey. The sky was grey. Needless to say, visibility wasn't that great.  It wasn't raining so hard that I had to pull over or anything, but I did consider it a couple of times.

Anyway, there is this hill between here and small city. I can never remember the actual name of the hill, so I call it Whatthefuck Hill  and tend to rather hate it. And yes, this is one of the first points of me failing at judging things. After all, the hill is just a hill. Whatthefuck Hill  is not trying to go out of its way to cause me problems. It can't . . . because it's a hill.

However, it's also a long hill and a bit on the steep side. It always makes the van unhappy when we go up it. It's also always a pain because it is at the end of a speed trap town, so no one is ever going very fast. And because everyone was going so slow, by the time you get to Whatthefuck Hill, there is always a huge line of cars in front of you.

So today, I'm headed home and it's grey. I'm annoyed because it won't quit raining (as if the rain was doing this to piss me off. It wasn't. It's rain) and I am smack in the middle of the big line of cars headed up Whatthefuck Hill. And suddenly, as I'm trying to gain speed, the whole line comes to a halt because someone has to turn. This annoys me because I know it's going to mess with my speed gaining ability. As soon as the whole line starts moving again, we suddenly stop AGAIN because someone else has to turn.

And what comes out of my mouth?

"I HATE EVERYONE WHO LIVES ON WHATTHEFUCK HILL!"

I hate them. Because they decided to go home.

Yes, this is my logical, rational, nonjudgmental response to people who are just trying to go home. Sigh.

Of course, I know that no one who lives on Whatthefuck Hill was trying to ruin my day. I know they weren't trying to slow me down or do anything to me personally. They were just humans, going about their business. It's me who has the problem.

This trying not to judge thing is both enlightening and frustrating.

The Road Less Traveled

I was mulling over the place where I wanted to start this whole thing. It hit me when I was reading my new chapter for therapy. One of the sentences in there was "Judgement is the royal road to misery." This is so absolutely true. In our society, we have become obsessed with judging people, addicted to it in a way we've never been before. It's like a poison.

The internet has brought us many wonderful things, but it's also added some new and sickening aspects to our society that we've not really had to face before. There are websites (such as People of Walmart) where the whole point is to take pictures of people who do not fit into the norm and make fun of them. There are sites where people do this about fat people, about people who lack the skill to dress themselves 'proper' or spell tattoos. Some people go there every day and laugh, all at the expense of someone else.

I think it's fairly clear how this would affect the people who are the subjects of the pictures, but what we often don't discuss is how it's affecting those who look at them. There is this massive amount of judging going on. A huge lot of feeling superior to people. That kind of emotion can become addictive. It is a state some people like to stay in, and it makes it pretty difficult for them to relate to others.

I am not going to say that being nonjudgmental is easy. It is not. In fact, part of my work for therapy right now is keeping a list of moments when I'm being judgmental and analyzing my emotional state during it. I was shocked at how often I'm doing this. I was also shocked at how much negativity I was building every time I would do it. The two seem to go hand in hand. The more negative things are, the harder it is to expend energy on anything besides just being negative.

So how do we approach a subject from a nonjudgmental perspective? To be honest, I'm not sure. I think maybe recognizing all the moments when this is taking over our lives is the first step. Try it sometime. Just for a day, right down every judgement you make. I think you'd be shocked.

Filtering

There is a person on my FB list who is having a slow meltdown. She's someone I've known for a long time. She can't sleep right now due to being in a lot of pain. I don't think she realizes she's ranting on Facebook, but she is. It's really sad and kind of scary. I know she has people tending to her. I wish they'd take her phone away from her. I don't think she's going to be too happy about what she's posting when she's in a better state of mind.

If there is anything scary about being online so much, it's the fact that the things we write aren't erased. For people who have the where with all to understand how to THINK before they post things, this isn't such a problem. But for people who don't have that ability, things can get embarrassing.

I see people write stuff like "this is ME!" or "I'm being REAL" as a kind of defense about the stupid shit they wrote. And yes, perhaps it is you, but when did we stop discouraging people from having some kind of 'Crazy Filter?'

If you're balking at the idea of having a filter, please consider this. I would assume you're trying to communicate with other people? Right? Will you actually communicate with them if everything you say just annoys the hell out of them? Do you honestly think your points will seem sound or reasonable if you just keep barraging them with typing? Would that work for you?

Just because we mostly type at each other these days doesn't mean we should lose the art of conversation. In fact, I think it's something we should work on, even more, because communication so vital to our lives. We all come online and head to these social media places because we crave contact with each other. But often when we get there, things just fall apart.

Hmm. I think I've stumbled onto a longer topic here. I'm going to discuss some of this over the next few nights and see where we can go with it.

Balances

I feel a lot more human than I did yesterday. I knew I would.  At least, I hoped I would. There is always that lingering bit of doubt. This is how it's been with my depression. I knew it was just a temporary thing. I knew it would ease up after a while. Of course, in the depths of it, you're never certain. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if it never went away. I don't like the idea of having to find out.

My therapist and I addressed the depression. She reminded me that despite the Evening Primrose, I am still on the downhill swing of hormonal adjustment. Even when I'm being very good about taking my happy pills (which I have been), there will still be times when my emotional chaos overrides that. The chemicals are all on the floor of my brain right now, making a big ol' mess. Sometimes it's okay. Other times, well, other times you get to read blog posts of doubt and uncertainty.

On the plus side, my skin feels really great right now. I think I've finally found the right combo of stuff to slather on it to make it work like real skin and not like dried out leather that is still weirdly oily. Stupid skin.

Hopeless Causes

Fun fact: More heart attacks occur on the Monday after Daylight Savings Time than on any other Monday. Maybe that isn't such a fun fact. I actually signed a petition to end this madness. I doubt it will happen. After all, a few years ago, they actually shortened the time we get to Fall Back. I sighed anyway. It's a hopeless cause, but my activism was.........er, activated.

You know the thing is, I bet more Americans are actually interested and united on ending DST than they are on just about anything else. You know, one day a politician will come along who actually tries to unite people on the stuff we all agree on and it could change everything. Again, that probably won't happen, but a girl can dream.

Anyway, I have errands to run tomorrow. They're going to cause me to be up early, of course. Damn you, DST! I'll write more when I can think with more of my brain.

IWD

I spent most of International Woman's Day looking at Facebook posts about how unfair it is that we don't have a day for men. There IS an International Men's Day, of course. There is also that annual penis festival. Still though, every time we try to honor a group that isn't white men, people get into some kind of tizzy about it. So annoying.

For me, I think the biggest issue with women, on all fronts, is the idea that people (and I say people here because both men and other women do this) often view women as some kind of resource for them. What can we get from this woman? Sex? Is she a subject of gossip? Will she do work for us? Will she provide us with money or children or services?

People get it into their heads that women are supposed to be DOING something for THEM. They make plans on how they woman is supposed to do this. And when she doesn't comply, quite often, this is when the conflict begins. People get frustrated when they realize the woman has her own plans and goals.

This doesn't happen exclusively to women. Men have this happen to them as well. Gendered expectations always suck and they are never fair on anyone. If you find yourself in a situation where someone is EXPECTING you to do things just because you happen to be the ____ in the relationship, the person you are with isn't all that enlightened.

And if you are a person who finds yourself constantly frustrated because someone isn't going along with your plans, then walk away. You can only decide things or make plans for yourself. When you start doing that for other people, you're just stacking the deck for the end of the relationship anyway. You can only control and change you.

Obligatory Time Change Post

As happens every year, Daylight Savings Time is upon us. As also happens every year, I hate it. I hate losing my hour so much. Yes, I realize I've blogged about this for years now. Yes, I realize nothing will be done about it. It doesn't matter. I still hate it. It's still taking away my hour and messing with my life. Bastard hour-stealing menace.

Other than that, the day was okay. I didn't have to do anything and it's warmer than it has been in a while. This means that spring is on its way, and you know how much I hate that.

So I've been thinking about this depression I'm having. I believe that the dread and anxiety aspects of it may be due to all of the trauma I experienced last year. We're going to be heading into anniversaries of very scary times for me. It isn't going to be easy.

Last year changed me. In some ways, for the better. In other ways, for the worse. I'm more brave than I was, but I'm also lacking in memory. My body goes through weird phases. I have strange pain here and there and at different times. My sinuses even behave in a way they never really did before. I know I'm still ME, but it's a different me. I guess in the midst of trying to come to terms with that, there is this fear that I'll have to do it all over again. I don't want to do that.

I want that about as much as I want Daylight Savings Time.

Small Friday Post

The snow has mostly melted off. Of course, it was still icy on my stoop, but that's to be expected. WHY they decided to put the door one would go out of the most on the North side of the house is beyond me. We went shopping and I lived bringing the bags inside. No slipping. This is a good thing.

I had a dream that we adopted two more outdoor cats. I told my roommate and the cats about the dream. I don't think anyone approved. This is just one in a series of very vivid dreams I've been having lately. It's been odd. Still, I suppose it could be worse.

I'm still not all that good emotionally. I'm better than I was yesterday though.

Seasonal Loathing

Winter is winding down. Given the fact that I've had to drive (BY MYSELF) in the snow twice, you'd think I'd be happy about this. I'm not. Spring is always really stressful for me. Bad things happen. Actually, in some cases, traumatic things happen. I'm not looking forward to it. At the very least, Spring will bring allergies, bugs, and lawn mowing. At the worst, it will bring car problems and cancer, like it did the last two years. I just don't know that I have it in me to handle the stress of it.

Okay, yes. I do have it in me to handle it. I think. I'm really not sure. The PTSD from last year is still pretty strong. I have a doctor's appointment in Tulsa next month and I'm already dreading the possible panic attack this will cause. I'm trying not to obsess about it, but I am afraid I will.

My depression is really strong right now. I've been taking my meds, but sometimes it's more extreme that others. Right now, it's pretty rough. I'm in one of those places where I feel I'm just kind of enduring life. I'm not really enjoying it much. I don't see much hope in it. I'm just enduring and I know I need more than that. And I don't mean more responsibility or obligations. I need something to desire. I need something to inspire me. I need something to fill me instead of things that drain me.

As I said, it could just be the depression talking.

Crabby pants

I have noticed I don't seem to be aging gracefully. I do not mean as far as my looks go. I never had that. This is more about the mental process of aging. I'm not good at that part.

For one thing, I notice that I do a lot of comparing between 'kids these days' and me. While I try to be open minded about them, that usually only lasts until they start annoying me. Then I turn into Crabbyass Mcbitchalot. I wish I was 't like this, but quite often I seem to find my generation as the best one. I think my only saving grace here is that I don't make these observations to the young people. Then again, I rarely speak to anyone.

I also seem to have far less patience than I used to. Things that used to just roll off of me now seem to be hitting my last nerve. I'm trying not to be snappy about it, but you know how that goes. You can tolerate anything as long as you don't think about the fact that you're having to tolerate it. Once you become aware that you're forcing yourself to be nice, it's really hard to continue.

Anyway, at least I'm trying to be aware of my own crabbiness. I'll do what I can to try and subvert that. 

Bah

I should have written earlier today because I have to call it a night by ten. I wanted to write around 5, but got distracted. Sometime I think the distractions are the worst part of my day. There's nothing I can do about it though. Anyway, a lot of errands were accomplished. I'm pretty strung out. I'll write more tomorrow.