Plotting

I worked up a plot for the Art Exchange story and tossed it over to the artist. It's kind of typical (a scavenger hunt) but I think it would be a lot of fun anyway. 

They're in a different timezone than I am, so it may be a while before I get feedback.

Satisfaction

The first time I read Carson McCullers' The Heart is a Lonely Hunter, the ending of it kind of broke me. But when I thought about it, given the setup of the story, given the worldview she was presenting, it ended the only way it could. The conclusion of the story stung my heart but left me feeling emotionally and logically satisfied. 

I finished a fic last night. The author worked on it for two years. The main character is a Patrick Bateman-level asshole in his original state. The author put him through worse than the original version. They gave reasons for why he was as he was, and gave reasons for all of his awful deeds. And yet, they also refused to allow him to remain emotionally stagnant. During the story, which takes place over almost 200 years, we watched as he grew. Sometimes his growth was beneficial to him and others, sometimes it wasn't. 

During the last section of the story, he finally falls in love. As many of us do, he falls in love with someone who seemed to be the wrong person (different side of a philosophical, cultural, and sometimes, ACTUAL war), but actually was completely the correct person. They approached the relationship on equal footing and could rely on one another in ways they couldn't with anyone else. 

This love doesn't transform him into a better person, but his lover does help to ground and center him enough to where he lets himself grow, lets himself get better, lets himself come to terms with some of his less savory behaviors, and decide if he wants to continue to be the person he is.

In the end, he loses everything. All of the wealth he's built over two centuries, all of his power, all of his station, and even his very first possession is lost. In mainstream media, I think the messaging would be that losing everything was worth it because he's found this other man to love and love conquers all.

But that isn't what happens here. There is a moment, near the end, when he sits with his lover and considers staying with him. But then he realizes that all of his other problems are still problems. Staying with him would put his lover in danger and threaten his own social standing as the leader of his people.

Instead of love conquering all in a childish and irresponsible way, love is allowed to transcend selfish desire. He accepts that the most loving thing he can do for this man is to leave. He will keep him out of danger that way. It hurts, but it's kind and responsible, and mature. 

I loved this ending. The story allowed the character to grow, to own his own damage (both what was done to him and what he did to others), and it gives him a chance in the end to make the right choice. He makes it. It IS a choice made for love, but love in an unselfish way. It's a beautiful ending.

Results

The writers got to make their Claims today and then watch in real time as the results came in. I got my fourth choice, but I am completely happy with that. It was only my fourth choice because I assumed everyone else would snatch it up given how good the subject is.

It was warmer today, but this morning was wonderful. It felt like a real Spring day. Lovely, cool, pleasant. I was pleased. More of that, yeah?

Adjustment

There were a lot of changes to my glasses this time and it's taking me some time to get used to them. I'm not able to wear them constantly because it's too much after a while, but I'm indeed wearing them more than I was in the last pair.

Basically, I just used the previous pair as sunglasses. They were just so bad. And they were a lot heavier than the new pair, even though these are the larger glasses. 

An Unexpected Surprise

Our new glasses were supposed to be in on Tuesday, but they arrived early! I have mine on right now. They're so much lighter than my last pair! It's neat.

Anyway, the plan I had, of having the glasses and the haircut just kind of redefine me for a while, I think it's working. So yay

Makeovers

My new glasses should be in on Tuesday. Between that and the new haircut, I'll have a new, kind of intense look for a while. New glasses can do that. After my hysterectomy, I switched glasses because I couldn't handle looking at the old pair. They reminded me of pain and blood and fear. Changing them out helped me so much.

Speaking of makeovers, no one asked for this, but the Sims team decided to give the Goth family a makeover. Which, okay, to be fair, they're one of the families I always makeover when I start a new save. But I don't like the way the company did it. They took all the personality out of them, especially Cassandra. I promptly madeover the newly madeovers.

I worked on my Grinding Ice story today. I like the way it's shaping up. I hope to have the bones of it finished tomorrow so I can edit it on Saturday. 

Sunlight and Relief

Today was a good day. All the anxiety and vulnerability I was feeling about therapy melted when her reaction to my letter to myself was positive. We talked about some of the more freaky parts of it, such as my rebranding of myself when I was in 5th grade as someone who was cool and Knew Things and slutty. Fifth-grader. It's disturbing that was my plan and disturbing that it worked. 

The rest of the day was good. My roommate and I laughed about a lot of stuff. I decided I'm going to make the Grinding Ice portion of my fanfic a horror story. 

I think my haircut has a lot to do with my improved perspective. Instead of letting it just grow and grow again until next year, I'm going to keep closer to how it looks now, maybe redo it every few months as needed, assuming that can be an option. I feel good like this. 

The Last Full Week of May

For days now, it's been dark and dismal. It's been cooler, which is nice, but the lack of sun is concerning. I know it will reappear, but the darkness is starting to weigh on me again. As much as I disliked being hot, the extra light was really doing wonders for my inner turmoil. I was even brave enough to go to the eye appointment.

I did a writing exercise with a friend tonight and started working on my Finrod story. He has an interesting headspace. I also started mentally preparing the story for the art prompt I hope to claim. I have so many grand ideas for that.

Anyway, I think I'm going to have to snooze some more people on Facebook. I'm tired of everyone's conservative blah. It's really annoying the hell out of me. I need to focus on the positive and beautiful.

Finished Chapters

My first Maglor AU story is complete. He and Thuri Sid and Nancied their way into a relationship. I think he came off as worse than I anticipated and she came off better. Celegorm of all people came off as having some level of emotional intelligence. 

This was a lot of fun to do. It opens up some paths for me as to why Maglor's actions and motivations are as they are. I also have plans for Gil-Galad now. No, he won't be theirs.

Did I possibly do this just to delay starting the Angband section? Maybe a little. That needs more thought. 

I'll be headed back to the Grinding Ice next, this time from Finrod's POV, mostly because of the above image by WisesnailArt as it is one of my favorite pieces of Tolkien art. Finrod's pain and his internal struggle are so evident in this piece. 
 

Much Better

It cooled down today and will stay cooler, hopefully, for about a week. This is probably our last reprieve before summer begins. 

Even when it does, it will be easier on me because my very talented roommate shaved off the majority of my hair. My life improved like 80% because I no longer have my stupid, ugly, hot-ass hair. 

I hate that for so many years I fell into the gender normative trap of thinking I shouldn't shave my head. I really love it when my hair is gone. I love the feel of the buzz and neatness of it. I love my hairline showing. As I said, my hair has always been ugly so shaving it is actually a big improvement on how things look. 

Kind of overjoyed right now.

All Stars

So. The All-Winners Season on RuPaul is amazing. In the second episode, we got two Snatch Games and they were SO good. Just really funny as hell. The energy of this season is great.

Anyway, today was also the day we got to see the artwork for the fandom event I'm participating in. I narrowed mine down to things I thought I could reasonably handle and then numbered them by what I wanted.

Despite the heat, it was a damned good day.

Writer Answers

 1. what font do you write in? Times New Roman because a friend of mine insists on all chats being in that font because it's easier for her to read and I just got used to it.

2. if you had to give up your keyboard and write your stories exclusively by hand, could you do it? if you already write everything by hand, a) are you a wizard and b) pen or pencil? I am old so backs in my day that is how I wrote. I'm so old, I was excited when I got an electric typewriter. I'm so old, I was deeply happy when my roommate got a word processor (amber colored letters ftw!)when we went to college. Could I go back to writing pen to paper? I COULD but I do not want to don't make me.

3. what is your writing ritual and why is it cursed? Basically, anything I do is cursed because cats wish to be held.

4. what’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral? Lately, it's been the word 'own' because I'm really bad about overusing it. "My own people. My own clothing" 

5. do you have any writing superstitions? what are they and why are they 100% true? I believe every writer is actually a seer channeling details of other worlds. Even fanfic writers are doing this because they're seeing alternative versions of the world the official author saw. 

6. what is your darkest fear about writing? Everyone will hate it.

7. what is your deepest joy about writing? When people leave comments and tell me how much my work meant to them.

8. if you had to write an entire story without either action or dialogue, which would you choose and how would it go? I would cut out action and I think it would work fine. 

9. do you believe in ghosts? this isn’t about writing i just wanna know Yes.

10. has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? has your own writing haunted you? what does that mean to you? My own writing only haunts me when I don't finish it. A lot of other writing has haunted me because it was so very good. Some pieces of writing have broken me so deeply that it basically changed how I viewed that character/situation/the world/myself

The Appointment

My plan for how to handle the appointment didn't go as I wanted, but it was okay. The people there were patient and kind to me. They worked with me and let me take my time. It really meant a lot.

There is a mirror that covers half the wall in the appointment room. I could see myself the way they see me. Haggard. Old. Fatternhell. It wasn't a pretty sight, but at least they were kind to it. 

Even though things went well, I was still pretty exhausted when we left. I slept for several hours when we got home. 

I wrote my first Maglor chapter for Damage Done. It was pretty enlightening. He's miserable and complains a lot and says some stuff in his misery that really hurts his wife. I didn't realize that in this AU, he would be such a, well typical self-centered musician, but I guess that makes sense.

I knew we needed to get that letter from Melkor delivered. The clear choice was Thuringwethil. I didn't even think that much about it at first...then Maglor started reacting to her. Suddenly I had an unexpected ship on my hands...which is fun!

I really like his wife, but I always knew they'd be estranged. I just didn't realize things would start falling apart so quickly. But here we are!

I am completely sticking with this. It adds an intense dynamic to Maglor when it comes to the attack on Doriath. He won't just be trying to get the Silmaril back. He's also avenging Thuri. 

Glasses Stuff

Picked out the pair of glasses I want. The appointment is tomorrow. I have plans on how to keep things on track. The equipment doesn't work well for me, but I will advocate for myself to do my best to make sure it does.

I'll have to watch what I eat and drink because I don't want to get sick or anything while I'm there, but that is at least to an extent, something I can control (by just eating very little). 

My therapist wanted me to write a letter to myself. I did it, but.....I don't want anyone to read it now. It is very, very personal and very intense. It did me a lot of good to write it, but I'm not sure I'm ready to share it. Though, perhaps sharing it is a needed part of the process? I'm still debating.

Cooler Sunday

We have some kind of storm thing either coming in or it already did. I'm not sure. Either way, it cooled down and that was nice. My reading was really good this weekend. Several people updated some amazing stuff.

My own writing is slow-going. I have to really handle things correctly in this part. I need to just write a bit, then plan, then write some more. I need the proper flow.

Twitchy

I'm trying not to get nervous about the eye doctor appointment on Tuesday.  It's going to involve a lot of mobility that is rather past my threshold. I wish that wasn't the case, but here we are. I guess the most I can hope for is that everyone does their best. Whatever that happens to be. 

I wish I could be calm about this. I wish things like appointments could just be routine, simple tasks. I hate that I've gotten to the point where something like this becomes an ordeal. It is what it is. 

I'll be happy when it's over. 

The Hell Days

Today was a Summer Hell Day. By that, I mean one of those days when it wasn't quite hot enough to justify turning on the AC, but still (due to humidity, a cat that won't sit elsewhere, and my weight) several very miserable hours for me. My stomach is still pretty twisted up about it. Hopefully, the weekend temps will let me turn it on or just be cool enough to where it doesn't matter. 

First Time This Year

It was so hot today that we had to turn on the AC. This was the first time this year and I'm sure it won't be the last. I'm glad we did though. I was starting to feel nauseous again. The heat is really messing with me.

We also made appointments to have our eyes examined. Once we did this, we started the process of looking for new glasses. I want to completely revamp my look this time. I've had the same kind of glasses for too long. If I'm going to put myself through the bs of an eye exam, I want something neat to show for it.

Because I am a damned child sometimes. 

Anyway, perhaps it was the AC cooling things down or just the talk I had with my therapist about how I can get panicky about appointments, but I'm feeling okayish about the appointment now. I may panic closer to the day, but I'm trying my best to soothe my brain into not freaking out about it.

Dark Days

It's getting hot already, the kind of hot that twists my stomach into knots and makes me sick for hours until it cools down enough for me to function again. We're going to have to turn the AC on in May and that makes me unhappy. It doesn't make me as unhappy as my stomach twisting into knots and being sick for hours.

Also, the fleas are back. And all the other bugs. Fuck all the bugs, just...god I hate summer. It's not even summer yet and I already hate it.

Also, the asshole GOP Senators and even bigger asshole Joe Manchin all voted no on a test Bill to codify Roe  Wade. They're not even making exceptions for ectopic pregnancies, which happen in about 2% of all pregnancies. So guess what we'll soon have! More dead women. 

Then again, I think dead women is the goal all the way around. Fuck all of them. Fuck everyone who is in support of this. Fuck the fact that in 2022, we still have to have this conversation. 

 

Blue

It's getting hot and that is basically ruining my stomach. I assume. Maybe. It could be that or the insanity of the world and everything trying to take away every freedom that people have fought the last 50 years for. 

I'm just so tired of all of this. Plagues and wars and people who want to drag us back to the 1600s. People who want to harass people's websites just because they find happiness there. Why do people see the need to just keep ripping away everyone's happiness?

Fuck them.  Seriously. If you are going to contribute nothing but misery and anger and sadness to the world, I want nothing to do with you.  I mean, mostly because I'm perfectly capable of producing my own misery and would really not have to waste hours fighting myself to stop that just to have other people drag me down.

Go away. Go find something that makes you happy and leave everyone else alone. You'll be happier. We all will. 

Good Reading Weekend

I saw two friends this weekend. It was very nice to see them, although our conversations were laced with concerns over the SCOTUS decision. One friend is very worried. She has a daughter who might have to navigate the world with this looming over her.

I distracted myself from the shitshow that is the world right now with my own writing and reading the works of others. Some people updated with amazing stuff. It kept me sane.

The Stash Buster

So this is the ten stitch blanket/throw using double knitting with wrap and turn short rows for the corners. Basically, I just took whatever yarn had been in the house for literally years and used it until it was gone, then I would add another color. The designs are just random/whatever I felt like working on at the time.

It contains yarn from my stepmom, my grandmother, one of my friends, and the yarn my roommate bought for me. I am very pleased with the results.

Blocked

I need to finish a fic and I'm kind of in the middle of writer's block right now. Nothing is coming together. I keep writing and it doesn't feel correct. I'm not sure what to do, other than just write more and see if I can fix it.

It's probably because the conservatives are trying really hard to ruin everyone's lives. I wish I could just ignore their bullshit, but they're making that really hard. 

Bottomline though, forcing someone to have a baby without their consent is rape. Anyone who passes legislation that removes a woman's right to choose what to do with her body is a rapist and should be branded as such. 

The Letter

My therapist asked me to write a letter to my mother. I did. It wasn't easy. I'm sure it wasn't easy for her to read, she did ask for it.

It wasn't a wasted effort. In writing the letter, I realized certain things that I want to give a great deal more consideration. I think it's important that I decide how I really want to handle these things as I continue living. 

I think it's important to remind people of something that I addressed in the letter. I didn't come up with this, of course, but I do feel people need to hear it often. 

What someone else has gone through does not negate your pain. The fact that my mother was neglected by her parents and abused by her grandmother does not negate or excuse the ways she neglected and abused me. What she went through should have informed her choice to not have me or to at the very least give me to someone more capable of raising me. It did not. And while her suffering does explain what happened with her children, it doesn't alter the fact that it happened. 

So yeah, keep that in mind. If someone hurts you and then says "oh but I was hurting too" well, okay. Yeah. They're hurting. That does not give them the right to harm you. If they're hurting, they should find ways to heal. If they can't, then they should stay away from situations where they may hurt someone else. 

Don't go spread the damage just because you're lonely.

Thankful

I live a quiet life. I spend most of my time in my head or talking to my friends. For the most part, my time is my own. I do not wake up obligated to others. I do not wake up in fear. I am deeply, deeply grateful for this.

I am deeply grateful for this because due to being AFAB, for most of history, I wouldn't have had the option to just live a happy, quiet life. Even in many countries around the world, I still would not have that option. All because of something that was not my choice. 

My body will not be affected if Roe v Wade is overturned. My reproductive parts have (again, thankfully) been removed. However, I want the life I have chosen, the quiet life where I get to just be beholden to myself and to friends, to be a choice all people can make if they do desire it.

I do not understand why it threatens others when people choose to just live without children or marriage. I do not understand why it threatens others when people opt for a life of quiet and simplicity. If the traditional path brings you happiness, awesome for you. It would have never brought joy to me. The life I have is where my joy is found. 

Why would you want to take away joy from others?

First Mae

I wrote my first Maedhros POV fic today. Well, I published my first one, anyway. I've got some stuff on the backburner already written from his POV, but I felt I needed one more chapter before I put him headed toward Angband. 

This chapter covers his thoughts concerning his father's death and the ceremony they have to honor all of their dead. Mae is, understandably, in a bad place. Also, scarily enough, this is probably the most positive I'll ever write him. And that is odd, considering in some way, he's my favorite character. I have his portrait hanging on my wall. 

Then again, I guess that's what appeals to me the most about him. He is a deeply broken, deeply flawed tragic character. He does absolutely horrible things and he's so good at doing them, and yet, there is something so noble about him. 

Anyway, first Mae fic is up before I start the twisted path toward Angband. Hee.