The Mind Twitchies

I tried to make the best of today, but I'm not sure how successful I was. Things started out okay, but then went to shit before noon. It wasn't anyone's fault, really, just a bunch of stuff hitting at once plus continued anxiety issues. I'm still having a lot of trouble forcing myself to talk to people.

Of I'm also having bouts of paranoia. STUPID paranoia. The kink where you basically have to make yourself go through with the action, knowing, rationally, everything will be okay. Oddly, you somewhat don't even believe it when it happens.

If you've never experienced paranoia first hand, this is basically how it works. Imagine the simple act of driving some place and parking the car.  As you get out, you check to make sure you have your keys because you don't want to lock them in the car . . . .

Suddenly, part of your mind takes that train of thought hostage and begins to run with it. The simple, if annoying, act of locking your keys in your car is now A VERY BIG HORRIBLE THING. Your mind races with everything that would follow, but in the worst possible light.  You call someone to help. And they get really angry and scream. And then they can't get to you because the other car won't start. And now things are worse. And it's going to cost money you don't have, and you'll go broke and starve!

All the while, the rational part of your mind is trying to calm you down, talk about how this is just paranoia, how it's okay. You can make mistakes without it becoming major drama. Everyone makes mistakes. It's perfectly okay.

Eventually, hopefully, you calm yourself down enough to get out of the car. However, even calm, you find yourself looking at your keys every few minutes, just to make sure they're still there.

If you don't calm yourself down, you usually tizzy yourself into a fullscale panic attack.  Trust me, you don't want to do that.

Sometimes the only way to combat the rising panic and paranoia is to do what I call the Full Emotional Lockdown. Basically, you just force yourself not to feel anything and not to respond. You move through the moment somewhat distanced from what is happening around you, trying to feel as little of it as possible.

Is this the most healthy way to handle it?  Probably not.  However, learning to cope with paranoia and panic takes time and practice. Until you master the process, shutting down may be your best option.