Shame

There has been a lot of talk about shame lately. In Wisconsin, a news reporter was sent an email by a 'concerned citizen' who wanted to know why she was still so fat  and how she could have the audacity to show herself on TV when she was being such a bad influence on 'the children.' At a homecoming dance, girls were barred from going in because their dresses were slightly above the knee. On South Park, the characters continuously asked why fat people, especially Honey Boo Boo and her mother, were not ashamed of themselves for . . . well, for being themselves.

In all of these cases, you will notice a running theme. People want others to feel ashamed of how they look. In the United States, in 2012, people want others to feel ashamed of how they look. You will also notice in the first two cases, the people who others want to feel shame are women. In the South Park case, it's about 50/50 on the fat people, but of course, the emphasis was on Honey Boo Boo and her mother, especially her mother, for not feeling shamed of looking the way she does AND for not feeling ashamed of her child.

Shame isn't JUST a feminist issue, but it most certainly IS a feminist issue. Shame is a huge tactic people have employed over the centuries for controlling others, especially in terms of conforming to social and sexual norms. Women were made to feel shame when they weren't 'pure' or not attractive enough. Males were made to feel shame when they acted in ways that were considered feminine. As we all know, in some countries, a woman's life is still worth less than the 'honor' of the family.  She can bring 'shame' on the family by, you know, being raped or something. Once that happens, her life is worthless.

People will try their best to make you feel ashamed of yourself. When the reporter in Wisconsin called the writer of the email 'a bully,' a lot of people argued that this person really wasn't bullying her. That's because they see bullying as something that is OVERTLY caustic. However, the reporter was correct. This person is a bully. It is a more subversive form of bullying, a more old fashioned form, where they are trying to control you by trying to convince you and others and perhaps even themselves that they are acting in  the best interest of you and the community. Think of the children, after all.

But . . . they are still trying to control you. They are still trying to disarm you, take away your power, and most importantly, make you feel shame. The more shame you feel, the more easily you will stay in the background, allow others to make decisions for you, and get taken advantage of.

There is only one appropriate response when someone tries to make you feel shame. Look at them, smile, and then tell them to fuck off. If you're one of these people who is more polite than I am, you might want to tell them to fuck off 'in so many words,' but for the rest of you, yes. Just tell them to fuck off.

That doesn't mean you won't always be able to escape the shame. Being controlled socially via this shame emotion is very much wired into us. It can be crippling.  It can keep you from feeling like you are worthy of being treated well or having a safe life. It can make you feel like you have no rights. And that, of course, is exactly why people made you feel that way. After all, the less people standing up for themselves, the more resources out there for the shame-inflictors.

Don't let them win.